What I Am Responsible For

I cannot pinpoint what day this happened. In the past 30 days I am sure.

It had something to do with me and mom arguing again. I am sure he won't remember. He barely remembers much of anything that is actually important. Where he leaves things. Appointments that he has. Work schedules or even events that isn't work related.

Whilst spitting some "holier, wiser, smart and better than thou" bullspit, he goes "no wonder your wife left". He said it so quickly and moved on to the next thing he was bitching/griping/complaining about something ( yes it started with me and mom debating or potentially bumping heads about something ).

Like I said, he probably won't ever remember saying it or if he does, he'll half-assly say he 'very well might have said it', or something weak like that.

This is where he is. He is always right. Even when he is wrong he is right. He angers me so much. He disgusts me so much. Not before, but when Simon showed me how manipulative he is, especially to those in the house, I want to puke when I think about it all.

So why am I still here. Why didnt I leave then when he said what he said ( obviously to hurt me )?

Sue, Tyler and Nakoma.
Because of L ... LaFall. It is the least I can do for what happened. What I am responsible for.

What I Fight For

Yesterday was the 4th of July and honestly it means more to TOWians than to U.S. but yet we still celebrated our own liberation from a tyrant that wanted to conquer our world.

The Darkness.

And even with the revelation that that same tyrant is also a persona, which made the celebration a sober one, it is a celebration of freedom none the less. Even for me, an old solider of The Darkness.

Luckily, this year, I didn't have to drive the damn QWIK ROCK bus like I did last year ( which I hated people it was during a parade that people are absolute dicks in this area it seems with h them throwing things and saying shit and junk ). I didn't even have to watch the damn parade.

But I did watch it from the tower whenever I heard her baton squad walk through. And even though she isn't my actual daughter, I was so proud of her and what she has accomplished so far in her life.

She came over after the parade and told me how her school year ended. She told me more about her boyfriend/girlfriend, Seth ( which is another can of worms I am dealing with ... and mainly because of Seth's attitude towards me ) and how hard it is living with her foster family.

And while she is telling me all this, I realize how much I have missed of her life while she has been away. It saddened me, but I am glad that she made the time and effort  to see me. It made "my heart swell 3 times its normal size".

So even though I could talk about how the cost of freedom for  the masses comes to at a steep price to the few that fight for it, or the link that to my life in Haven ... or how I feel trapped here in TOW and the Myers Househould ... but my UoA daughter, Sarah, made everything worth it for now. Right now, she showed me the human element ... a glimpse at my fatherhood skills. She reminded me on why I put up with so much. What I fight for ...

I hope ... I hope I can be better for Xavier. Way better. I hope he looks at me and talks to me eventually like Sarah does. 

Not Again

My agner right now it so high. I mean so high.
Misit came over ... what? On Wednesday. I was excited but it was odd. She felt distant. Like ... Idk, like she didn't want to really ... I don't know how to explain it. Be close I guess. Just that she was trying to keep her distance from me. I guess I was overly happy to just have her back for the moment that I didn't think too much about it.
But last night, we argued about the fact that she never really help me talk through anything. She just ... bitches at me and when I try, she ignores me by being on her phone o r she changes the topic. She got mad, then silent ... and then changed the topic.
I then said I was going to bed and she said that she wasn't tired. Figuring that she would come to bed shortly, I went to bed and fell asleep. When I woke up 6 hours later, she hasn't come to be. She was still at the fpot of the bed with her phone and her back to me.
And that was it. I realized that I couldn't do this anymore. I ... I had flashbacks of Jasmine not coming to bed. ON her phone or in the living room on YouTube or whatever she was 'really' doing. Flashback of Vincent telling me about Theo and what happened when he brought Lori to his place years ago ( in the middle of the night, she left to go and see someone else ).
It was then that I realized that I didn't want to be the fool anymore. That I am not going to spend energy on something or someone that doesn't care. WHo would rather be on their It is upsetting, and I am sure that the PU are going to bitch, but I honestly do not want her around me anymore. She ... she is tainted. And it hurts just to see her right now. At elast I feel better that she is leaving in a few hurs. I'll just not invite her. I am sure if she was up all night doing gawd knows what, she'll be ok not having to come back.

We'd Leave the Greater to Suffer for the Few

Sue is starting to actually have dreams of LaFall alive rather than dead like that night of the car wreck in August 2012. She said that she had a dream last night where everyone was on some sort of vacation and they kept changing the rooms on her after everyone got settled. After the 5th move, she got frustrated and asked why they kept moving us. They ( or Chuck ) told her that there was something in the rooms and if she stayed there for too long then she would want to stay.

So Sue, in the dream, got everyone preoccupied and started to snoop around in the room and found a closest in which she and her kids had whenever they were younger. They would use to hid in the closest when they were younger .... and Sue thoughts she heard something in this closet that magically appear.

She opens the door and LaFall jumps up. Then she asks Sue to not leave her. Then Chuck comes in and starts to pull her away from this LaFall.

Sue told me this dream she had last night ... and she told me she would leave all of us to stay with her.

Chuck and Sue translate all of that into Sue not forgiving herself for the death of LaFall. I see it that Sue is one more step closer to seeing that death is the ultimate choice to be with LaFall.

I want to be made that she would leave all of us in a heartbeat for LaFall. 6-7 ( 3 hers and 3-4 dad's depending on if she can tolerate Lynnanne or not that day )s children. 1 Husband. Friends and Family. House. Home. Better life. But obviously all of that means nothing without LaFall.

But I cannot be that angry. I would slaughter all of them if I knew I could rewind time and get my family back. If I could get back Jasmine and Xavier. When we were a good family.

Because the 'alive dream' that Sue just got, I have had ever since July 27th of 2014. Every night ... save a few.

I hope some angel or demon never comes to both me and Sue with the same offer of sacrifice to get what we truly desire. We share that pain and hurt and carry it with us every day ... but it isn't the same ... and she'll never notice.

She barely notices the change now.

I Hate to Love Misti

When I first 'hired or employeed' Misti, it was to convince me to sleep. In hopes that the dreams/nightmares would go away. And it helped. But like most things that occur in private, things are personal. Sadly more so for me than her.

I didn't want a relationship but I wanted to know that ... I guess that whatever 'this' was kind of mattered. We bonded. Exchanged favors. Even introduced her to the family ( obviously had to ). And I wasn't looking for a relationship. Neither was she. I just .... wanted to matter to someone, ya know.

But I couldn't get that. She eventually admitted that she only got with me to sleep with me. A momentary lapse in judgement. This wasn't anything that she really wanted. But week after week she would return to help me sleep.

Until I realized that sleep wasn't worth the heart ache and the arguing and the constant disappointment to one day think that I mattered and then the next day she would say something that would prove that she didn't.

An eternal cycle of hell.

So I have been separating myself from her bit by bit. To save my ego and my emotions. If I make the choice, it is easier than her just disappearing. But Chuck and Sue do not understand, and they berate me for 'firing' her or treating her poorly in their presence. Something I only do in their presence to prevent suspicion of things getting more serious only to have them fail.

But lately, even marking today, I have found myself looking at FaceBook messenger, and hoping she replies with some sort of affection. Even something similar to actual friendship would be welcoming at this moment. But more and more we separate, and more and more I realize it isn't what I want ... and more and more I realize, I never get what I want.

I have gone as far as to archive her messages so I do not get reminded on how little our communications have gotten. But maybe I should do something more ... drastic. Perhaps I should block her. Keep her at a further distance as to not have reminders of my own failure ... my repeative failures ... again.

I am the NoBody that gets Blamed for Everything

I hate living with people. Why? Because of my morale and personal ethic, I do a lot. I see something needs to be done, I tend to do it unless someone else can do it better or I am busy with something else.

However, in this household, Dad ( Chuck ) finds it comical to say that random things are my fault. He finds it funny. But it is funny at my expense. Hence why I find it annoying ... and another reason I hate living with people.

1 other person, very doable, especially when I pick them through a list of candidates. But not a bunch of people with so many different personalities, needs, wants and agendas.

So it is annoying that when something is done wrong and I am involved, not to hate the idea that I am involved in situation that I originally had nothing to do with. Some of that is my fault. The ones I volunteer myself for, completely my fault. The ones that I am recruited to handle, I get pissed when it is only given to me because no one else wants the responsibility. And that includes the person that it is centered around.

Case in point, Josh had work today. Dad asked me about his work schedule. Honestly, I couldn't remember cleanly ( or quickly enough for dad ) to be confident about his answer. Also, since I was in the middle of something else, I am sure that he would have wanted me to go to Josh ( who sleeps until his clock in time ) and ask him, which I hate doing because Josh in the morning makes me want to throw him into the Pit.

Well, luckily for me today, Dad went to ask him and found out that there was a conflict in the schedule. So he recruited me to find Josh a ride ... to his work ... which is about 8 - 10 blocks away. But I went through the assets I have but I do not have any last minute assets set up. Most I ask a few days a head of time. So most of them were either at work already or to have them drive all the way here just to drive Josh 8 - 10 blocks ( and no gas money mind you ) would not only be foolish but also a waste of time.

I ended up asking CJ to find someone. He said that Brandon's friend could do it but we didn't know that until dad had to drive back and pick up Josh for work. CJ even came back to drop off Sadie's fucking dog but couldn't send a text message or leave a note about Brandon being able to do the 10 block drive.

Yet, I get grilled and hassled about knowing and not knowing and getting information wrong and shit. Oh gawd, when they talk like that in front of me ( or even behind my back and I overheard ) I swear I'd burn them all alive if Protocol S wasn't in place.

I am just getting tired of dealing with people ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And I hate even more that I have to deal with other people's bullshit and crap.

And Mom ( Sue ) always asks me why I want to move out?!

I barely own the area I sleep in. And it is annoying. Simon says that they are gonna want everything that they ever gave me back. Saying that they only let me use it. But honestly, I am getting to the point where that will be ok with me.Very few things are keeping me here.

Like L ... and the promise I made to her after what happened.
And Nakoma ... damn imprint

Birthday that They Don't Believe

Today is my birthday. MY own birthday! Something that a lot of TOWians seem not to be able to get when it comes to seeing my identification papers. At least the ones I am suppose to allow anyone to see.

It was a day I honestly forgot about in Haven and because of the time and space difference, I am not even sure how accurate it is. It is the closest U.S. could get to,an exact approximation of it.

And coincidentally, it was also the date of the start of my introduction and imitation into U.S. and the NJS Project.

The date didn't mean too much to me until I meant Jasmine. Her birthday is 6 days after mine. Xavier's birthday is 6 days after that! Honestly, to me, it all felt and seemed destined. And I never believed in fate and destiny ... until them.

Until both of them. They made me into a believer. They gave me a reason to celebrate the survival of another cycle of this hellish existence here on this other world.

Now with them gone, it is a constant reminder of my failure to MY family. MY birth month is a reminder of MY failure to MY family.

And the Myers' clan help no better. Half of them wouldn't or couldn't care less and the other half thinks I am lying because my identification papers ( that survived ) say different. Even though mostly everything else on them are wrong too.

It hurts that Sue made it seemed that even though I have told her respectively, that my birthday that I celebrate is on the 12th of June, I feel she'll try to celebrate the date of The Lost Original.

That disappoints me. But Simon says that TOWians are experts at disappointment ... and with each passing day / week / month / year ... THEY never really cease to prove him wrong

Car Accident

Last night was a long night. Since dad didn't like doing Board Ops, I worked board op for like 5 hours because of weather delay and didn't leave the station until 1 in the morning. Immediately leaving the building, I got the car in a ditch. :(

How you may ask?

Dad says not to tell mom it was from lack of sleep. I'll let him believe it was. I tried trekking my assistant that I saw something but she has been more and more difficult to communicate with.

But honestly, I'm not sure. Before, while in the office, I was dealing with Haven crossovers so that might have something to do with it.

But who can I even tell that to m not the PUs. They'll over react or not understand. Both my therapist are MIA for a week.

Regardless, even though Zach was hard to get a hold of, I was able to with dad's help since he knew their house number. Zach and Uncle Larry pulled the car out of the ditch and I was able to drive home after an hour.

When I came home, I got bitched at because dad didn't have insurance on the car yet because he was slacking on it. I just ended the conversation early to go to bed.

I wasn't planning in going anywhere today but dad needed someone to drive him to state college, even though I cancelled going to skills so I can have a moment to myself.

Gawd, I know I can say no but I said No 3 times yesterday and 1 time prior to that and I believe one this morning before I realized he wasn't going to let me rest about it.

I'm starting to really hate everything here.

I'm losing almost every and all reason to be here.

Suffering Quietly

I doubt they see how I suffer. They think they know but they don't how exactly often when I'm around them that I wish to just not be around. They have no idea how being around them simply makes me miss the family I had.

My wife
My son

The house we had.
The fun we shared.
The love that we grew.

Sitting with them, these people who I have adopted, to attempt to fill in the hole Jasmine created ... their actions and behavior only adds more salt into the gaping wound that was created when my family left me.

But honestly, I hope they never know how much I love them but that being with them kills me. Seeing Sue and Chuck together. To see Nakoma as a child. To struggle with the relationships of my brothers and to see them succeed and struggle with their significant others and their relations.

This constant reminder of a life that isn't mine. That I didn't help create. That'll never be Jasmine and Xavier. They'll never by my family.

And the worse thing is that I'll never have anything like them ever again.

Deserving of the Title

I have very few people under the "friends" category that I actually consider friends ... as you can see from my last post. But there are those that have earned the Title. Those that I know will raise me up when I need it ( especially when they are not aware that I need their strength the most )

Brandi has been the secret love of my life since Jasmine separated from me. She has been not only supportive but loving and always  uplifting. She is truly the best friend I could ever ask for. Ever. Of all time.

Katherine ( Kay ) reminds me very much of my friend from Haven and it almost brought me to tears the more she talked about herself and I realized how closely this new person is like my oldest and best friend from a place that is Haven. Jackie and Kay share horrible stigmatas in life, both hold a huge heart an  hope and faith in humanity that I have given up on so many times before. Kay is the embodiment of someone who I cannot see for a while, but having Kay has a friend fills me with awe and wonder. Maybe something is reminding me that thus world still has good people in it ... good people in my life ... That transcend even dimensions.

Zach is my adopted cousin. He is strong, both in strength and in his heart. Sometimes he is hard to get a hold of but he is that guy to get a hold of if you Wang something done. He is like me but not quite. And that is how people would say about my friend Tye. Another friend from Haven. I never would have believed in some sort of cosmic plan ... by  to have my 2 best friends from another world come into this plain of existence. Something has my ... our development in mind.

Paris (Vincent ) has survived through generations. But he was mainly associates to Theodore the Loser. However, his consult, advice, foresight and ambition has made him invaluable to United Separation and especially my own journey in TOW. He was knowledge of what was going on, even before Theodore himself was aware. I hope to allow him to be the GodFather of the LEGACY. No-one else  any world deserves the Title more so than him.

In my darkest of nights and the strictest of struggles, I must remember that besides Me, Myself and I, that I do have these 4 TOWians. These people I trust with my own development and care of affairs of United Separation ... and more so ... myself

Why I Am Selective

I do not choose people easily to be close to me. Maybe because people are truly unreliable at their core. And what I mean by people, I mean mainly TOWians. Michael got me to trust these people but more and more Simon's thought of these people are truer than anything else.

Misti, my assistant ... well now my ex-assistant, told something to the Queen of the Household that I told Misti in confidence. She told her something that Simon said I shouldn't have shared with her to begin with.

She shared the fact that Jasmine messaged me. Granted, I didn't reply because of the PFA, but her communication has significance. Both negative and positive.

She had no right to tell the Queen that information. Especially with our recent conversation of friendship. She wondered why I kept people at such a distance. And now she has pointed out on why.

She made a move that concerted her demotion and personally decline to me. Sadly, I feel I have lost an asset. However, if she is willing to break that level of confidence, I cannot even consider her a friend.

Same with Jennifer. She asked me to come and visit / help and she brought other people around and keeps trying to get me to explore Clearfield and even had someone over. Some one I never met or know her associates.

Keeping me in an unsafe and uncomfortable environment.

And this is why I choose to be alone over anything else

Tower Security and Something Lost was Replaced

Yesterday, Zach took me and CJ to DuBois to get him a game and eat Chinese Food ... on his dime. Having other people pay anything for me never sits well with me. However, Zach is like Tye in TOW form. Hard for me to say No to him.

I was even able to get a foundation weapon for MAD's "Ebo Aku" since Lynnanne and Co. lost/sold/gave most of what we had away ... and his Ebo Aku was one of the things that wasn't waiting for him when we came back.

I gave it to him last night. He was in the storage cubbie hole in the attic ( my room, the Tower ). He seems ... happier, when he reached out for his new 'pencil'. Hopefully, he works for him.

However, coming home, Mom ( Sue ) informed me that she gave Tyler a key to get into my room. He lent me a cable cord so I could try to get the PS3 to work again since I finally got that back from Matt ( Zach's friend who now lives with AJ ). But I ended up just buying a HDMI cord for it so I didn't need it anymore but he said that he'd let me know if he needed it again.

Well, he needed it yesterday and instead of trying to send me a message or anything, mom just gave him the key to get into my room without bothering to try to contact me for my permission or just to let me know.

Times like these makes me wish that Spencer wasn't right. He said he swapped out our key for a fake one. If she ever actually needs to get into the Tower for an emergency, we'd eat that 'bullet' ( so to speak ). But she didn't need anything in the Tower. Tyler wanted something and they were going to go into my room to search for it. It wasn't like the damn thing was visible. I put it in a drawer that anyone who wasn't US would have known it was there. They would have had torn the room apart to just find it.

I hate it when he is right. I hate that Mom ( Sue ) had no respect for me, even though I have tried really hard to respect her and her space and her rules and who she is.

Spencer always hates TOWians because they just do whatever they want. And with each passing day, week, month, year ... he seems more and more right.

Is this what I want?

So I figured that best thing to assess Misti Quick will be as a personal assistant. Might be what I need more than anything else.

A few days ago, she said she didn t want to have sex anymore and that frustrated me. Like, "Am i doing something wrong?" And she didn't explain much of anything so I went back to Work Mode and focused on Things To Do.

Then she came over yesterday and we got into like 3 arguments.

1. About whether I am what she wants to hang out and do shit with
2. She expressed that she only got with me at first cuz she just wanted to hook up ( aka she was horny ). I waited for her to say something like, 'but things have changed since then' but that never came
3. I said when I got with her, it was because James suggested that I needed a cuddle buddy because he thinks that I needed physical contact that was 'safe'

3 arguements in 1 day ... this isn't a good thing.

And she doesn't ever want to talk things through. She doesn't want to make an effort for much of anything. I have to ask myself ... if this what I want?

What I Fight for ...

my anger gets more and more each day.

first, let's talk about chuck, my adopted dad. i had a 'better me committee meeting' yesterday. had time to finish most of it yesterday but had the meeting a few hours late because i had to gather more information. i work hard trying to figure out finances and personal goals and life directions. actually working on me for the sake of me.

tonight, they got me to the dinner table again and he says [ paraphrasing of course ]:

"The reason I cannot take your meeting thing seriously is because you don't value your life enough ..." - Charles Myers

Now, in context, Josh was saying that he was worried about Spencer slitting his and Lynnanne's throat when I was living with them in State College and they were going to send us away. I do not remember any of that but I can understand that he was simply protecting US. Something that no one in this household seems to understand that United Separation is everything to me and my brothers. It defines freedom and liberation and opportunity in our word. Not a utopia but the opportunity for things to be better than what they were. And things were bad.

They'll never understand.

And obviously, with mom and dad fighting all the time now and mom coming to me to talk to calm herself down ... he has been a lot more ... ignorant and disrespectful. The fighting and the inability to understand US is killing my campaign to stay with or near them. So must staked against them ... against me ... and sometimes ... I wonder what I am even fighting for anymore.

When Anger Gets Thrown Into Question

Sometimes ... most times, I struggle with my anger. Not because I feel being angry is bad. I have learned that anger is a normal and healthy emotion to experience.

No, my problem is identifying why I am angry. Or to figure out if it is worth getting angry about.

Jacques helped me understand that sometimes, an isolated situation can have a cut and dry solution but other times, other factors can make something that seems small have more importance.

For example, last night at dinner, I was thirsty. So, seeing that Bobby had a glass of Moutain Dew that he left behind for over 15 minutes to dick around with no hint that the dicking around was not gonna end. So I leaned over, picked up the glass and commenced the drinking of the glass of Mountain Dew.

So, this trigger Sue ( mom ) and Chuck ( dad ) to absolutely jump on my shit about me being it getting sick. In which I have explained that in the past year, I have gotten sick once. And that once time, I still managed to work and drive whoever around to whatever. And not only that, just about everyday, Bobby, CJ and Tyler drink each other's drink on the table when everyone else sees abd no one gives 2 shits, moans or fucks about. Bobby even said ( at that very time of the parental freak out ) that he does that regular and gives no shots about it.

Then they started on the idea that it isn't about me getting sick ( even though, once again, everyone else has done what I just did just once ) but it is that I could be a conduit for spreading sicknesses. As Bon chimed in with the saying "it is like playing hot potatoes with sickness" ( or something like that ).

However, I returned to the idea that everyone gets on my shit for something everyone else does on a regular abd no one bats a fucking delta's tots about. Then Josh chimed in that because in a group of about ten, me saying everyone is politically incorrect since not everyone does that. And to that I brought up how every family discussion starts with the idea that everyone is blamed and punished for what 2-3 people have done.

And as usual, no one seems to have given a sugar frosted fuck about what I said.

Then dad brought up that even though I have been sick once a year and everyone else gets sick once a day ( slight exaggeration ), I am more important and more paramount to the functioning of everything.

So with everything said and done, dad finally said that he didn't care either way. Which made everything fucking mute cuz he was the ringleader with this argument but succeeded in passing me right the fuck off.

And granted, they might have had valid points but what about me? I don't want to be wrong but how can I be right when I am wrong? And I think that is where I get angry.

Yes, I probably shouldn't have drank someone else s drink based on the fact that I could get sick from it. But to make such a big deal from it. To put me down and tramp on me like that ... but maybe I am blowing things out of proportions.

I feel like the big muscle guy in Sin City. The guy who forgets or doesn t understand why he kills people. Hell, he isn't malicious about it. It just ... something that he does and might even be semi justified by it. But because he cannot exactly remember how or why he is doing it ... the whole thing gets thrown into question.

No One Understand

Too much shit has happened lately. And it isn't monumental. Just a series of small shit.

Got a girlfriend named Felicia over Monica, but obviously Felicia last until mid December where she dumped me for this random mother fucker closer to her named Calvin Smith.

I left that behind.

James suggested that I just get someone to be around. He reminded me that he used to have Cuddle Parties and Nap Dates. So I found a girl named Misti to come over to sleep. To force me to lay in bed with me and just make me stay in bed and sleep.

However, since I am in this household with other people, she now is getting attached to the people her. Making her stay more. And honestly that is also my fault because I wanted something to come out of it.

I started to get attached.

And then some real shit started happening. Like she is starting to have an opinion about my life. When she is curious, she asks questions and I answer. And I see her drift. I see her mentally look for exits. I see that she is going to leave eventually.

Just like all the others.

But it is easier. And even though it is sad, I think I am learning to feel better about people leaving.

But she said some shit yesterday to me that made me think. She says that I try to please everyone. That I try to make everyone happy. I tell her that it is strategic. That no one stays around if you cannot do what they want.

Then she couldn't get why I tried to kill myself when Jasmine told me that the thing that I focused on for 2+ years was telling me that everything I worked on and cared about didn't give 2 shits about me.

And she didn't get why that would make me want to end it all. She didn't get why I felt things were so ... hopeless and meaningless at that time.

But she didn't seem to bother to try to put herself in my shoes. Or maybe she simply can't.

I tried to explain to her what happened between myself and El, Heather and Amanda. She said she got it but honestly sometimes it is hard to explain and even harder to think anyone else could get it.

But I am starting to feel that ... maybe I need to be alone.

Worse Christmas Ever

So Christmas Day, I was kind of excited.  I got the following people things:

Dad ( Charles ):
 -  car radio ( which included radio, adapter and placement plate ) ( ~80$ )
 - cup ( "hard to be nice when it is fun to be naughty" ) ( ~5$ )

Mom ( Sue ) :
 - Season 7 of SuperNatural ( ~ 5$ )
 - Twilight Behind the Scenes Book ( ~5$ )

Bobby:
 - NeverWinter Nights ( ~10$ )
 - 5 KickAss Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Diablo 2 ( ~10$ ) ( almost a gift from my brother Daniel from several years  ago: sentimental value )
 - Steam Gift Card ( ~20$ )

CJ:
 - GameStop Gift Card ( ~25$ )

Tyler:
 - Devil May Cry HD Pack: DMC 1, 2 and 3 ( ~13$ )

Nakoma:
 - Care Bears Movie ( ~5$ )
 - Cartoon Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Viva Pinta XBox 360 Game ( ~15$ )

Josh:
 - Star Trek KeyChain ( ~5$ )
 - Gears of War 1-3? ( ~10-20$ )


So I spent a pretty penny for Christmas for everyone. But I really don't care for the money. That is kind of expected when it comes to Christmas. However, when I started to take pictures of people with their gifts on Christmas, Dad got on my case, saying that he doesn't want these pictures up.

Then CJ made the comment saying that why would anyone want to post pictures for people they don't know to see. Fuck him! I know all those people that I put on my Facebook and they seem to care more than his fucking ass. The only thing that he seems to care about is if I can drive him to see his drug dealer. Other than that, the little fuck gives no fucks.

I mean ... How dare they? How dare they say these things after everything I went through. After everything I continue to go through. Not just me but with them. The financial responsibilities and the effort I put into this family that seems to ... I don't know how they ... who they think I am?

I have no pictures of my life of prior to me coming out of jail. I have no pictures of the 'prior's' lives before me. Pictures of Theodore and Michael and Guy and Chris and James and Spencer and anyone else ... their families ... their existence ... their lives ... as if they didn't matter.

Dad said a while ago, because of something that he didn't and couldn't understand, that I was a liar. He even told our boss, MY BOSS, that I was a liar and everything I say is a lie. He never could understand the struggle and suffering I have been through alone for United Separation.

But I have trusted him many times. Given him money for services and trusted him to pay for things later when I give him money now ... and every time he has let me down. Forgotten and spent the money on other things.

And Josh, thinking he knows shit about my life. Time and time again, I listen to him when he needs an ear and time and time again I bail him out of situations with Sue and Chuck and time and time again, I have to deal with his drivel and his "I know it all" and "I am superior" attitude because Michael enjoys him and his company and conversation. Even though when I confide in him about anything ( things ranging from me moving out from Lynnanne's place to asking him to vouch for me about the XBox I paid HIM for ) he lets me down by 'snitching' ( to Lynnanne about me moving ) and 'forgetting' or not giving enough of a shit about  ( when it came to the XBox ).

And why do I do all of that? Because of what James did? Because of Michael and his foolish ideals of trusting people?

When he went to jail and I tried to get his 'then' girlfriend to do anything, she did nothing and I felt his resentment at me for it. Even now after they have 'broken up', no apologies and no ... reassurance. And he continues to bitch and complain about everything when he owes so much.  He has wrecked both my car ( PT Cruiser - Alice )  and Sue's Durago. They have been in the red to keep him out of jail while they willing let me go in and sit.

But oh, not josh. Never Josh. Their ex-son in law. Their ex-son in law that they let sit in his room all day while I get up early mornings to take care of chores and run people around.

And Sue?! Always complaining about me to others and never wanting to talk to me. Even though I have given her the connection of son and mom ( foolishly it seems ) and even when I let her and James ... someone whom he claims is her 'bestie' ( whateverthefuck that means ), she still complains that we do not spend enough time.

Does she understand when we are not with her then we are running errands for her husband?! Does she understand that most nights I leave her at 9-9.30 and don't get back until like 5-6? And to what? Assholic kids ( siblings ) and adults ( parents ) who do not even know how to begin to understand?

Sadly enough the only one who seems to remotely get it is Nakoma ...

And not only that ... the proof of my life, with Jasmine and Xavier ... I miss my family. My family that no longer exists anymore. And yet ... I think about them constantly. Their ghost haunts me. Reminds me of what I have missed and what I no longer can have.

Is this hell? Did I succeed July 27th 2014?

Felicia left me and as much as that hurt, I found it a personal success that I am getting over it without incident. Especially with this crappy ass support system of people who doubt me and oppress me and put me down. They think I am better here?! Really?

Worst
Christmas
Ever

Being Quite about Josh's Lazy and Ungrateful Behavior

Josh has been living here since the beginning of the year. And it has always been something. Mom always complains about him but she sits with him and mindlessly watches TV with him and dad on a daily. There are times that dad will surpass him and all the way upstairs or break in the middle of my stream to ask me to do something. Like rotate the damn dogs ( I don't even like dogs ), or to take out the trash ( cuz the boys blow him off ) or to make him tea cuz he is too lazy to ask Josh to do it. Or maybe they have some sort of pact going. I don't know.

But mom would complain about him constantly. Say that he smells. Or that he doesn't do much of anything. Or that he feels entitled to certain things.

I tell her to talk to him about it but she won't because she knows she'll blow up at him.

I have been talking to Monica for a while and I have been telling her that she has to tell people how she feels. She fears conflict and I understand that. Conflict sucks and it is scary but for the chance for something better through communication, it is worth it.

But here is Josh, someone whom I have heard him talk about me behind my back ( he claims in jest ) and someone is feels he is entitled to watch tv shows and.get the Xbox or a room or a couch or anything like that, that pisses me off ... and yet I don't talk to him about how he talks down to me and Michael or how he feels that other people should work to make his life easier.

He wrecked my car, Alice, while I was in jail. He did! Yes, under the order of Lynn but regardless he should be held responsible. But I know I will never see that money. Especially on a waitress's paycheck. He has problems paying for clothes for freaking work ... or his fines.

And not only that, he wrecked mom's car too. The one day I couldn't drive him cuz James wanted to an old friend, Stephanie and her kid ( hated that weekend ). One of the parents were suppose to have picked him up but instead let him drive himself. The one night ( and one night alone ) he drove the family car, he wrecked it.

And now he sleeps on the couch in the living. Mom.complains that he bitches whenever something is too loud ... But it is a god damn living room. Life happens there. So the fact that he sleeps wheel into noon. So virtually no one can make much noise in the morning to get ready for much of anything.

And we were gonna put him in the attic since Bobby left and it was one thing after another. There wasn't tba bed up there. My mentioned that the boss's wife might have one but weeks and months past without.mom.calling and asking her if she had one we.could use. Then, since I got tired of not knowing and mom complaining about the smell josh was leaving behind in Nakoma's room since.he was staying there.momentarily, I took it upon myself to ask her and put the damn thing in the car myself and take it home.

He helped move it upstairs ... where we saw the mess that Bobby left up there after he moved. Trash everywhere. Broken computer components. Things he has taken from Nakoma and others in the house and claimed that he never saw. It was gross and disgusting.

I helped.clean it up and told Josh he was responsible for taking care of the clean-up of the room if he wanted it. That was sometime in the summer. For weeks, he wouldn't even phantom the idea of going up there. He claimed it's too hot. So I went to the auction and acquired a few fans. One being the perfect size for the attic window. Weeks continued to go. Still nothing. No action. And the day I brought it up to him, he raised his voice with me and copped an attitude about being tired and having to ask Mom or Dad about it even though I told him that I talked to them about it prior because they told me to talk to him about it.

Then days later flipped the story to make me sound like a crazy person when he thought I was not within ear shot.

But I got tired of sharing a room with Tyler ... well, Tyler's stuff since he now sleeps next door but leaves his stuff here. But I have no privacy. Stuff keeps missing and i wake up to CJ suddenly in my room, claiming to be looking for Tyler ( who he knows is mostly on the other side of the duplex  ... where CJ himself lives! ). Even dad just opens the door. At least mom and Nakoma ( and yes even Josh ) respects me enough to knock before entering.

So one day ( last week ) I got bored and annoyed and I cleaned the attic completely and.moved things around. And then I realized that I put more work into that room than anyone else did. Especially Josh.

But then mom and Josh started to complain that the insulation were bare and that it wouldn't be safe because Bobby supposedly got "scabies" from the exposed insulation. So last weekend, in used trash bags and wallpaper to cover up as much as I could.

I figures it would work out because with Josh on the couch mom feels comfortable having to tiptoe in her own house because Josh sleeps in the living room until noon and then takes over the TV ( her words ). I figured if I move upstairs then Josh can have the room Tyler no longer sleeps in with me.

Then mom and dad came up with Nakoma actually getting Tyler s room instead of Josh since Nakoma has more stuff ( sarcastic: and since she obviously deserves it ) and Josh can move into Nakoma's old room since he doesn't t have much.

But he has the balls to say that he feels comfortable on the couch and feels he doesn't need to move when dad asked him about it. He even said that moving before Nakoma's stuff was moved would be a waste of time. Then dad looks at me ( as if it is my responsibility ) and says that I gotta figure out how to move Tyler's, Nakoma's stuff and the crap in the room around.

This is ridiculous! Does Josh even deserve my loyalty? Anything I ever told him, he ran to Lynnanne and told her! Ever when she kicked me out of my room to make room for that bitch ( whose name I have forgotten out of anger ... no! It is Bridget! Her name is Bridget ... Da Bitch ) and then promised to give me the basement ... which is the usual bullshit lie that ended up with me moving into another room of Bobby's. He was silent then. He was silent when Lynnanne kicked me out for wanting to go to the Theory of a DeadMan's concert. She never stands for anything.

So why am I even dealing with this? Because of James and his fuck up! Because James never learned to leave well enough alone. But no one deserved to them what happened to me ... and no one deserves what happened to Josh with Lynnanne. So I am stuck to try to repay a debt to a man who probably doesn't even know ... which kills me.

This is bullshit. This is all bullshit. But it is my fault. It is my fault because I should communicate how much bullshit it is. I even fucking agree with it.

I hate this vessel and I hate the rampancy that is making me feel this way. Making me so these things. These leftover pieces of ... fuck if I know.

I hate it all.

And I am starting to hate them all too.

Unauthorized User

So lately, I've had Spencer in my ear about security on our devices. Mainly, the phone and computer. He had been worried that Nakoma has access to the computer that haired to have sensitive information on it. Not just dossiers and profiles of Peele were are involved with but also personal information to, from and on each of us personas. ( I know me personally still have pictures and videos of my wife and son on that computer and android )

But with Bobby gone off to Lancaster, I had less to worry about. Nakoma is going and only really wants to play games and listen to YouTube videos.

However, yesterday, Bobby came back. Some sort of check up after he had his teeth removed. I was concerned but figured I had time to fix the security protocols. Especially the Idol Protocols ( Protocol I, Spencer dubbed it ), being what happens when the computer is left inactive ( otherwise if the user is AFK ).

Last night, after my first Skype meeting with Doc, Spencer ran upstairs and was frantic. Saying one of "worthless neanderthals" were in the desktop downstairs. Coming down, I saw CJ in the computer, on my personal profile, playing a game. Bobby was in the other dude with Tyler. Conversation stopped when I was seen and they left. When CJ closed out his window, I saw our social media up. Skype, Facebook, folders, etc. Things I left up ...

Potentially, my private Skype session with my therapist was shared on my desktop downstairs ( or at the very least was noticed ). Conversations with assets, clients, friends and other family was also potentially accessed as well.

Would CJ access these things? Would he care? Would he use these things against us ( knowingly...or unknowingly )? And Bobby was close by. I still remember my rage when I found out he deleted a security protocol from my android in the guise of calling his girlfriend. I lost pictures of my son because of him.

I have no one to blame but myself. Spencer has been telling me to increase the security on our devices and information. Even if they will claim they wouldn't care what's on it, in dad's: Charles's words "if [ they ] wanted access to my stuff, I couldn't stop them", which doesn't settle well with Spencer about the sensitive and personal information we have accumulated over the past year.

Hell, had to reformat my phone and even with Recovery Protocols 3.4, enough information is still missing to be considered an annoyance.

Spencer is starting on a retaliation program to either act as a reactive protocol to digital privacy invasion from the family here or a break-in program to prove to Chuck that he isn't the only person with knowledge of computers.

I now have to up the security on our devices that hold and have access to sensitive and personal information. And this gives him not ammunition to petition U.S. relocation from the Myers.

Lately, his campaign to do so grits with each day and I'm losing footing to prove that they are still a viable resource.

I'm afraid that lately, the invasion of privacy, the inferiority attitude from the younger set of the Myer boys and Spencer's Slave Propaganda Campaign  isn't looking good in my favor. Relocation might be something that is going to happen whether I want it to or not.

Bobby the Thief

I swear sometimes I hate Bobby. He lies, he steals and he cheats. I would like to believe in dad's son when he treats me nice but Spencer refers to Bobby as the lazy theft of a snake of the TOW world. If he was any other nationality other than white, there would be a mudslide of racial slurs used to discribe him and his ways.

Why do I feel this way today?

Today, I went downstairs to look for a cooler for the groceries Mom and Dad are plan on getting today. The basement is also the place where I keep my surplus of stuff ( old movies i managed to keep and PS3 games in storage since I don't have a currently working PS3 ). I realized that a lot has been moved around in the basement. Especially the stuff surrounding my boxes that I stored away.

I do not remember moving them and I doubt that Michael would have moved them because he would have moved them into our room or the attic. And I would have noticed that move.

That and it wasn't like the whole box was taken. it just seems like it is light. Like it was moved through and things were taken from it.

Why do I think that it was Bobby? Because Bobby has done such things in the past. he has a tendency to do as he wants and deal with the aftermath later. That he picked up from Dad. Dad has said "that it is better to ask for forgiveness than for permission". But honestly, Bobby is just a dick that does whatever he wants, when he wants, how he wants. And there has been a few times that I have wanted to pound the shit out of Bobby ( and Cj too sometimes ) because they just have this selfish, worthless view of the world and their lives! It is more like they are parasites ... or leeches ( Spencer's words ).

And they might win the fight ... but I wouldn't stay down. I couldn't. I never have really. I don't stop from broken skins and bones. My spirit wouldn't allow myself to stay down. And that is what I got over them. Once the fight started ... out of pride, out of obligation, out of status ... I wouldn't allow myself to stay down. They would have to take me out. And a guy like me would be ok going out in battle. And it has been a while.

But I shouldn't be thinking of that as an option. That shouldn't even be a concern right now. But it is. Even when Bobby has been gone for over 2 weeks now in his new location in Lancaster.

It is annoying. I am starting to regret deciding to remain in this household more and more each day.