Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Deeper Into My Agoraphobia

It is almost 3:00 in the morning and my mind is completely racing at a hundred miles per hours here. Thinking about how I hate how people behave and how I should treat them vs how I want to treat them.

Like how I hate it when people say they’ll do something for you and later on they pull the bullshit of saying, “Oh I saw I ‘might’ help you” or they said that they said “maybe” mess. It has happened to me too many times than I would like. Once with this douchebag that said that he’d help with our rent when we needed some help financially, saying that he said he ‘might’ help us out but had us believe that he was going to help us.

Another time is when this female friend of mine said that she was gonna bring over some software material. She kept saying that she was gonna bring it over the next day or whenever she was in town and time kept moving on and she wouldn’t come over. She would have some excuse or she’d move it til the next day. I wasn’t too worried about it at first until New Year’s Eve when she said that she’ll see if she could drop it off but something happened where she couldn’t. I completely get that and she said that she’d bring it down the next day. Well, this time I actually waited and prepared for her to come over. Cleaned the house so it was presentable to guests and not dressed up as the hobo I tend to dress up as when I am home by myself. Did she show? No! Did she show up or text the rest of the week? No! Did she show or text for the next three weeks? Nope! She just dropped off the face of the world.

I remember when I … had to take a trip and I left my stuff with someone I thought I could trust. When I came back I tried to contact them to get my stuff back but they have moved and have gotten new numbers, so my stuff is and has been forever lost. Part of my history of me, that I will never get back, is God knows where.

People in general disappoint me. Constantly. Even the small number of people that I know tends to periodically disappoint me from time to time. And it isn’t just that! It is the lying and the gossiping and the avoidance and the superiority that makes me sick to my stomach.

I used to be able to handle this. I used to be able to have my own way to combat people’s stupidity by just going on my own way and doing my own thing but I can’t do that anymore. Not now that I am a father. I swore to myself I wouldn’t be that man. That I wouldn’t be the man that deep down I hated to see his reflection of. I didn’t want my son to grow under the thumb of a tyrant or a dictator.

My anger sometimes gets the better of me. I try not to allow myself to get so angry. I try not to let other people have that much power over me. But in the same action, I do fear to go outside. A type of phobia if you will, that people will actually work against me. Not that I am that super important ( even though I believe that everyone is secretly important ) but everyone is the center of someone’s attention even for a moment. 

And sometimes that can be negative.

People at their worst and scariest can be very terrifying. I see the history books of mistake after mistake of humanity. I read comic books, books designed for children, where prejudice and ignorance and closed-mindedness are the core of many story arcs. Why? Because that is the harsh reality of it all.

But I am still stuck. What do I do? I don’t want my son to grow up that way either. I suppose that is why I love my outgoing wife so much. She makes up for what I lack. But at the same time, I know that I have to work on my Agoraphobia for my son’s sake. At least to the point of where he needs to go outside supervised.

I know I have a lot of work to do to get used to the world as a whole since the world isn’t going to change its views. I just have to … take it one step at a time. 

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Fight for Life

I had another dream about them again. The rich and privledged.  The abusive father and the mother that turned a blind eye. The siblings that knew better because they thought they were smarter and grew up with money.

And I was somewhat of a rogue. A fugitive. Wanted by other people for reasons I do not remember. But I fought them. I fought them all. Just to get my life back. To make it mine.

I hate these dreams because it reminds me of potentially

Monday, February 10, 2014

That Abusive Feeling

There is something that just boils my blood and makes me heart stop for a moment and that is seeing abuse of any kind, be it physical, mental or emotional. I don't believe that anyone should go through being put down or threatened to experience life on a lower level.

I have been a victim of abuse, amazingly. Well, not amazingly, really, because it can and does happen to anyone. With me it was a combination of all of the above and it was from my family members. They would guise it under "tough love" or "how the world works" but it is poison that corrupts and festers from the inside.

I was helping my friend move from her apartment to another one downtown. This friend is a close and personal friend of mine and has been for a long time and she is kind of timid and shy but it is a sweet characteristic of hers. However, there are people that take advantage of that and even worse there are people who put her down just because they can.

While we were moving her stuff, we had help from her family members. I believe I was the only "friend" that came out to help her. Everyone was pretty understanding and helpful ... except one.

He has always been a dick to her but ... I don't know, maybe something told me that it was a family thing, or an inside joke kinda thing. What I kept thinking is that, "I am not involved. This isn't my business. She can handle herself. Someone else will step in." etc etc. I think that everyone who sees abuse kind of thinks along the same lines.

But something turned inside me with every insult he spewed at her. I wanted to step up. I wanted to tell him that he was doing wrong. But who am I? Just some guy, who will be told to mind his business.

So what is one to do? Stand up?  Speak when you know rocks of a different color will be thrown at you or that sleeping dogs will be awaken? Everyone has skeletons in their closest. I worry about mine being discovered. So I keep quiet. But keeping quiet means letting the bad people do their thing unquestioned and unopposed.

So I am left feeling hopeless, in the face of abuse.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Dark Days Ahead

So I turned in my XBox 360 to get repaired because it wouldn't read newer games. Might not have been the best time to do so. I say this for multiple reasons.

Reason 1)
Now I am going to be bored until it is repaired. Yea, I have a PS3 but that has seriously taken a backseat in the gaming department because I have a SD TV and the PS3 is mainly designed for HD TV quality. Also, I have played most of my games. Granted, I haven't beaten some of them but the ones I haven't beaten I either don't have the space to install to play or I am inches away from breaking my Gaming Golden Rule of trading in a game at GameStop prior to beating it to my fullest effort on my part. So now I am looking at playing games that I am less than interested in playing or ( now don't look down at me for saying this in the manner that I am saying it ) I am going to result to interacting more with my wife and son.

Reason 2)
Nothing is wrong with interacting with my family but I seem to fail at interacting with people in general. My wife tends to get upset because of the way that I am. God Bless her Heart for staying with me as long as she has because I do tend to upset her with the things that I say and sometimes do because of miscommunication. My son takes me pretty well and we get along well enough. He comes to me whenever he wants to show love and everything. He's a Daddy's Boy. And I love him even more for it. But even he has his moments.

Reason 3)
I have groups that I play with on my XBox Live account and now it seem that I am kinda letting them down. One group has to put the game on hold until I get my 360 back because it is a such a group element kinda game. I am not only missing out on gaming with buddies but I am missing out on some fun multiplayer games and some single player stories there. I am missing out on my XBox Live experience. And I just started a few games so handing my console over at this time wasn't exactly the best move.

Those are the three biggest reasons I am gonna not be the happiest person the next few days. <sigh>

Sunday, February 2, 2014

The Passing of a Legacy

Philip Seymour Hoffman died today at the age of 46. Most will remember his face from popular movies such as Big Lebowski, MoneyBall, Mission Impossible 2 and more recently Hunger Games: Catching Fire. I read his passing on my facebook newsfeed. I doubt I would have seen it on anything else since he isn t a Brad Pitt or Morgan Freeman or even a Will Smith but like with Paul Walker's passing, it hit close to home.

I thought this actor was extremely gifted at making you feel what he wanted you to feel about the characters he would portray. He made his mark on the movies he was in even though he wasn't a huge name by mainstream standards.  

More and more, people's faces that I recognize are dying. These people mean something to me because they have influenced how I view the world and in turn has me think about how the world views me.

Lately, I have been ... slacking. I have let my physique and my hygiene go a little more than I should. Masking it in the guise that I dislike the world because I feel that world dislikes me so why should I bother. I stay in my apartment all day, fearing the moments that I have to venture out into the real world and face thier looks of rejection and ridicule.

Because of the revised parameters of Project NJS, I feel trapped in a way. I have created this environment that I have to live in, in order to keep a form of status quo/normality within myself. Breaking this routine or this path could end up being disastrous even if it means that my own idea for my own legacy must die with it.

Sometimes, I catch myself cracking under the pressure of it all. Of having to sit and play this role or lose everything in an attempt of normality. Even trying to gradually ease myself into another lifestyle would potentially destroy everything that has been built up-to this very moment.

Is this my legacy? Trapping myself in a self created world? Maybe I should start trying to figure out how to get out of this and move onto the next thing I have for myself.

If only I knew how ...

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Doctor Who stole my Life

So I have been watching Doctor Who whenever I go over to my friend Josh's place and the more I watch it the more I realize that there is a connection between the world(s) of Doctor Who and my own.

For instance, I have a brother. His name is MIchael Aaron Davis. He is kind of an estentric person. Really into individualism and personal expression and all that. Well, David Tennent's version of the Doctor is very much like that. Actually it is kinda of erie how close he is to my brother Michael. He even used to have these friends who weren't friends but more like companions in his crusade for individualism. They were loyal to him and they followed his beliefs and his actions, just like how DT's version of the Doctor is.

And then there is my brother James. He is like Captain Jack Harpness. Chrismatic, a charmer and he swings anyway availiable ... just like James. James likes being the center of attention and he is very much a people's kinda of person when you are around him. James isn't much of a hero but he is very much a romancer like Captain Jack is pretrayed to  be.

Then you have my other brother, Spencer, who is more like the original first Doctor. Thinks he knows it all and sometimes ends up knowing a lot but not everything. Grumpy and very annoying to have around but sometimes neccesary when you need a portable Think Tank.

Now, I haven't gotten far in the Doctor Who series. I watched some of the first season of the Classic Doctor Who and I have watched up until the very last season of David Tennent's tenure as the Doctor but from what I hear from people is that there is a War Doctor. I don't know much about him but I have a feeling that I can relate to this War Doctor. Personal decisions and close calls have given me experiences that can be related to someone that had to make a huge choice that affected his "people". I am looking forward to seeing this Doctor and the one that follows DT's Doctor to see where they fall within my messed up family tree.

It is creepy watching it though. Seeing the adventures that they go through strongly reminds me of the misdaventures that Michael would tell me about. Now there isn't any ET experiences or anything but when you put it in people's term then I can totally see how it is related to the stories and experiences I have had with Michael.

It is almost like ... they took it from our minds. Okay, I gotta stop talking like this. It is getting too creepy because it is starting to get too real lol