Friday, January 29, 2016

Things are not okay with Kay

Katelyn ( Kay ) and I had an argument last year. We started arguing about something related to how I treated our friendship. She mentioned something that lead to her saying all I talked to her about was other girls.

When she said that, I was hurt until I went back in our conversations and realized it was true. I did talk a lot about other girls. Not like James talk but about the failed attempts at a friend's/relationship stuff.

I was/am trying to get over Jasmine. Maybe it was how I was trying to not feel like a complete failure and Kay has always been my voice of reason. The grounded voice that told me what I needed to hear. She didn't let me get away with shit but she did it in a way that didn't make me want to smash things. She was my platonic soulmate ( we joked ).

And then/now, I needed guidance. More than just good advice.

And she was yelling at me for trying to move on from Jasmine and telling her about it. I got mad. I slammed in my desk and then tried to calm myself. I looked back and saw that I did talk about other things and I tried to talk to her do many times and she just ... never got back to me.

I told her that I tried to talk to her about other things. My blog ( which I have on my Facebook bio but no one notices luckily ) and my Second Chance Review page and video games and such. Especially Jasmine. I even pointed that I know about what is going on in her life and I comment and like her life events because since I can't be where she is ( she lives in Michigan ). She says she doesn't really even check other people's stuff on Facebook.

We went back and forth until she said she got it out if her system and she was okay. I didn't want to argue anymore and I didn't want to lose my ( platonic ) soulmate so I dropped it too.

Since then, I made a New Year Resolution based upon what we argued about ( worry less about other women and more about me ) and I made her more of an active part of SCR. she became my editor. She didn't like my writers though because she thought they ... were horrible writers.

And that was okay with me. She was so much better at writing than most people I knew. She had multiple fanfics with a big fan base so she had to be good at catching what I miss grammar wise and maybe help fix it towards the direction I wanted it to go.

But she, like, reviewed like two and I've had to kind of go over the rest in a mad dash before the 3pm deadline on Friday. Well either today or yesterday I mentioned that I needed a review and she was on top of it with a review of the Darkest of Days. I was so happy.

And with the new direction I want to take with SCR I wanted her to post it on the Facebook page and group of SCR and suddenly she had no time and she seemed annoyed.

I don't know what I do that asks people do much but if my ( platonic ) soulmate is asked with me ... maybe I'm doing life wrong

Monday, January 25, 2016

He said, She didn't

So yesterday, I was home with mom, waiting for my Life Manager to come in for her appointment. The boys sluggishly got themselves to school and Tink was her usual cranky self but Mom got her to school on time. Dad and Mom were having their usual back and forth. Dad teasing too much and Mom … well, she wasn't in the best of moods for it. Dad likes pushing Mom though and she laughs about it so I shouldn't be worried, right?

Well, after he left, James and her talked a little. Shared some point of views while I was bringing clothes downstairs from the upper rooms. We threw some clothes into the wash and took care of some of the dishes before I dragged James upstairs to watch me do some simulation training. It didn't take long for Mom to come upstairs to use the bathroom. When she got out, James couldn't wait to resume girl talk. I tried to go back to the simulation. I needed a release as of late and this was my best way of getting it.

But I did keep one ear open. Mostly, Mom talking about how Dad plans on using her money. This, that and the third. Dad is making plans on what to use the money for and Mom doesn't feel that he is going through it with her. She feels that he is just gonna use it and she just gonna be okay with it. I cut myself in and asked her “Have you tried talking to him about it?” She replied that she has but he shushes her up saying, “Do we have to talk about this right now?” No matter what time it is. I then asked, “Do you push the issue?” where she replied that she has simply given up at this point. I returned to my exercise. Lose cause if she isn't willing to fight for what is hers.

But James is all sympathetic. Trying to sound like he cared about her but whenever I looked at him I knew what he was staring at. Jeez, constantly calling her “Mom” constantly isn't working as much as I would like.

But she started going off about how he promised Bobby and myself a car. And then she started talking about how Dad wanted to use some of her money to help re-launch Dad's online business and that he is gonna repay this person and that person with her money. Then she started saying that Dad was going to repay the boys for him using their survival benefits to pay for rent. I zoned out and focused on my performance. I hated getting a low score. I needed to achieve something to feel like I was still keeping my skills some what sharp.

Then she started saying that she didn't understand why she had to re-pay people for living here. Spencer happened to walk by and I noticed he stopped. He tapped my shoulder and I paused my simulation.

“Wait a minute here,” I started, “You mean paying for the rent here?” She said yea.

I kind of understood. When I was moved in, dad said that he would repay the money I put into the family. I was gonna factor out 300$ and consider that rent even though I don't have my own room. And I rarely ever use anything that isn't already offered to me. And if I do want/need to use something ( such as the SUV ) I try to make sure I have the money to cover for the gas ( not maintenance because that argument is ridiculous in my opinion ).

I sat up to listen better and even Spencer got closer as he removed his glasses. That is “more serious” maneuver.

She continued saying that that arrangement between Dad and I was never discussed with her at all. I asked her that since they were married wouldn't/shouldn't they have discussed and agreed on it. She said no.

Spencer shook his head and replaced his glasses. “I knew these T.O.W. People were not worth the trouble.” And with that, he walked back downstairs to work on his terminal.

And then she started to say that she shouldn't pay for me to get a new car because she didn't wreck it. Matter of fact, she was against anyone else driving it other than me and her. Since Josh wrecked it, then Josh should pay for it.

I just shook my head and let James continue talking to her while I went back to my simulation. I needed to beat the crap out of something.

Next, I need to figure out an exit strategy ...

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Sound Deception by Simon

I woke up early this morning and went downstairs to play Deus Ex: Human Revolution I got from the Xbox Live 360 Free Game for the month for a few hours when Dad came downstairs. He asked if it was okay for him to use my computer to record some stuff for a station's program that he has to do. He mentioned that he had to use he headset to hear and record and I mentioned that it doesn't work on my computer yet. He asked why it doesn't work and I told him that Bobby said that it just didn't have what it needed to play sound.

He plugs his headset in and boom, sound! Making me look more like an idiot than I am willing to feel like that early in the morning. He says that since his headset was a USB plug in that that might have been the reason that the sound works.

Later, I was telling Spencer, "Hey! The sound works on the terminal!"

"I know," he replied.

"What? How did you know?"

"Cuz I fixed it this morning. That's how."

"Well, Dad said ... ", I started.

"Forget what the moron thinks he knows. He makes a living out of making people feel he knows what he is doing ... and his son is no better."

This inter-family fighting ... is giving me a major headache this weekend. :(

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Just Human

I know I complain a lot on this thing and that isn't completely fair. I mean, I know that I love them because when I needed someone they were here. And even though CJ pisses me off, I do love the shit outta him. Bobby too! Nakoma at times too ( probably because I don't do well with kids ). Tyler is kind of my favorite in my house next to Mom ( Sue ). Tyler's habit is the only thing that annoys me about him. And Mom allows herself to think negatively about herself because she is a woman or something like that. I try not to think too hard about it. But honestly, they are all human. And I have to accept them as such. Humans with character flaws and faults. Hell, I have problems so shouldn't I be more understanding?

I am losing it. I am losing everything mentally. Patience. Understanding. Caring. I am losing it all.

Dad has told me that Bobby, CJ, Tyler, Nakoma, Mom and even Dad himself, are all versions of my actual brothers that I still work with.

Nakoma – Tobias ( my 6 y/o nephew )
Bobby – Spencer
CJ - James
Tyler – Michael ( most related to )
Dad – Seth ( minus the actions )
Mom - … well, she doesn't relate to anyone

So living here shouldn't be too hard, right? I don't know why but it is. It is hard to constantly having to deal with their shit and dealing with my brothers at the same time.
Last night, CJ got a text when he came home around 2 in the morning from some chick named Fawn who was visiting a friend whom she had some late night conflict with and was stranded in the next town over and needed a place to stay for the weekend.

If it were me … I would take her in for the weekend she needed. I wouldn't ask or expect anything but I would help with the idea that she is going to leave. Potential asset or just the good deed for the month. But I would have. Now though? If I was living by myself … I probably wouldn't have answered her text. Especially at 2 in the morning. I would have rolled over and gone back to sleep. Possibly deleted the message so that my brothers wouldn't have come across it.

I worry because:
  • Spencer hates women. Especially ones that don't over anything immediately.
  • James would try to sleep with her ( regardless of age, sex or creed )
  • Michael would have tried to convince her that her 'inner power' was worth exploring
  • Tobias would have been shy but would have tried to 'mom' or 'big sister' her
  • and Seth … well, we won't talk about what he would have done

Honestly, it is exhausting, frustrating and draining to deal with that innerly. But I have more pull with that than I do with this family that I am living with. I am not a fundamental part of this family. I am an addition. If I am to leave ( or to be kicked out ) the family would revert back to the life they had before. Obviously, financially things would be different ( until the 26th of the month ) but they would find a way to close the gap that my extra, not essential, finances brought in. And the memories they had that included me would be there but that would fade too as all else.

That is different from what I am used to with my actual brothers. Sometimes, we fight and what not. With me it does tend to get physical ( because I am bad on everything else ). But I know that we are the highest authority to us! There isn't calling the cops or telling anyone “oh he hit me” or even long time repercussion or retaliation for the fighting or arguing.

Here, I could be kicked out, I could be reported ( and break probation ) … a series of other things. Things other people have not just done to me but to my brothers as well. And if they do tend to let a fight or two ( it wouldn't stop at two ) slide, I would either have to leave on my own accord or I will feel indebted to them but being such a inconvenience.

So no matter how much they say otherwise … they are just human.

Friday, January 1, 2016

New Year Goals for 2016!

So the New Year is here and things need to get better. Seriously can't keep going on like this because it isn't productive. It isn't enough. Not for me and definitely not for U.S. They are just tolerating it at the moment but ... I can't fail them too. And honestly, they are far more important than whatever affairs I have going on so I have to start putting them higher on the priority ladder.

Also, I was talking to Vincent a few days ago before the New Year and I gave him a break down of what I have been doing and the previously, mentioned that I have to do more for me and even though I have started to get rid of people in my life that I felt were weeds ... I kept a few of them for nostalgia reasons.

That needs to stop. A lot of things need to stop ... and a few things need to start.


  • Delete Social Media "friends" that don't post, are connected to anyone who isn't for morally supporting me in my life. Trying to make my digital footprint more useful.

On my Facebook, there are a lot of people that I have on there that aren't really for me, even when they say they are. They have no real purpose other than I saw potential in them and yet they dropped the ball hardcore. I am not Michael. I am bad at seeing the good in people and having it pan out. It always turns out to be false. I would just shut down the whole Social Media thing but it isn't just for me but it is part of the "revised" NJS Project idea.

Spencer says that a public image needs to be established. Not only to try to reach more resources but also for the next version ( if there is going to be a next version ) to pick up from and watch and have a better idea on what he has behind him.

But then again, that is just if he picks up from where I leave. He might be assigned to do his own thing and leave my life alone to just disappear like so many other personas before me.

Regardless, I have to weed out people who depress me, disappoint me, let me down and are just worthless in my personal growth. That's first and foremost. 
  • The Legacy Webisodes ( Preparing a Legend )
Do any of you guys remember seeing Iron Man 2? Tony Stark ( Iron Man ) did not have a good relationship with his father and Tony held on to that for a long time. When he was dealing with the events of Iron Man 2, he was watching old work videos of his father. While watching one of his father's work videos, his father took aside some time to talk to his "future" son. Telling him how much he meant to him and what he needed to do to succeed in life. Somewhere, within that video Tony gained a new found love for his father and the solution to the movie's problem.

I don't know what Xavier, my son, will face in the future but I do know I want to be there ... incase I am not there for him. Jasmine has him now and because of the PFA ( a form of a Restraining Order ) I can't be there for him for another 2 years!

The plan is that I want to leave lessons that I am learning for him. I don't want him to make the mistakes I have made. I want him to learn from what I have done to make himself better. So whenever I come up with an idea for a lesson or anything, I try to make a 3-5 minute video about it, in hopes that he'll see it and learn from it.

So far, I have made 4 to 5 videos about different things that I know about life. Maybe I might advance that to things about me. Me! Not U.S. Sounds kind of selfish but I have to prepare him somehow even if I am not there. Some of these things are kind of advance for him now but I am hoping that once he is older he will see the videos and see how much I loved and cared for him.

I am still debating if I want the others to be in it. Spencer, James, Michael, Danny, Tobias ... even other people in my life. Still working on just doing it ya know cuz I can't just pull it out and do it whenever. I have to find a quiet place or ( in the case where mom ... sue, was driving ) with people around me that won't distract and just watch and understand. 
  • Remembrance ( a homage to those important in my life but aren't in it anymore )
Even though there are a lot of people that are ( currently ) linked digitally and personally to me that I need to get rid of there are a few that I do feel something for about no longer being in my life. Some of them are really close while other are just people I want to know that they lost a great change to be part of something more.

I suppose I just to let certain people know who they are to me. Because some people need to know that their actions have effects on other people. A lot of people tell me that other people don't matter and that what you do is just on you. But they are wrong. I have learned that no one person is an island. What every single person does effects another, whether they know it or not.

And whether good or bad, people have to know what they have done. And since it is my life, they have to know what they have done to me ... since I'll be getting rid of anyway for them to contact me at all.

I haven't started but I have plenty of plans on what to say to and to whom. That is a work in process.
  • Obtain myself another Personal Vehicle
For those of you that don't know, around the time that Jasmine left, I purchased a family car. Not a car to look cool with or to impress anyone but I wanted a car more for Xavier. Something safe and practical. So I got a 2003 PT Cruiser ( it was cheaper than getting a Volvo or Subaru ).

However, whenever I went away, I let my sister use the car because she needed it ( even though it was under me and my mom ( Sue ) 's name ). Lynn made it seem like she need it far more than my mom did but I did tell them to share it if they both need it. Well, some sort of conflict arrised with it and mom just told Lynnanne to use it since she was being difficult. In the arguing, my insurance ( that grandad, Sue's dad had me on ) ran out.

Shortly after that, Josh slipped on some black ice and wrecked it. So coming back, I had no car ( even though Lynn said she would pay for me to get a new car ... even though she didn't have one herself ) and have been driving mom's car ( until Josh wrecked that too and now we are driving a car that dad's boss is giving to us on loan until we can purchase another one ).

Since moving in with mom and dad, I have been giving them a big chuck of my money to help with the rent and bills and such ( hell, I am living here after all ). But mom is working on a settlement that will bring in a lot of money come the end of January. However, there is a chance it won't come in and I am prepared mentally for that but if it does, they will repay all that money that I used for the rent/bills and with that, I am getting a new car for myself.

Matt, Brandi's fiance, has a Subaru that he wants to sell for 3400$ and I want it ( because it is a Subaru and I love Subarus ). However, Tammy told me that while she was hanging out with her sister Amy, Brandi and Matt, that Brandi and Matt where laughing at the fact that I was going to buy a fucked up car. Naturally, that would bar me from even talking to them but I do want that car. So let's be smart about it, I'll look around for another car but if I don't find one that I like, then I'll tell Matt that I'll take it but I am going to take it to a trusted mechanic ( this family that I am living with now knows a lot of mechanics ) to see what is wrong with it and what I need to spend to bring it up to code. If it is more than what the asking price is for it then I'll tell him that I'll take it off his hands for what the junk yard would take it for ( maybe a few hundred more to sweeten the pot ).

That will reduce the price considerably and with the left over money, I'll pay for the repairs and have my own 'Fast and Furious' rally car! I am looking forward to this. I expect to pay somewhere between 1000-1500$ for the car and then at the most another 1k for the repairs. That I am okay with.
  • Obtain another Home Base
When I first got my place in Clearfield, I was working on making it a ... well, a Home Base. No one knew where I lived and I moved so much equipment into the place. What I could move without being too suspicious. Obtained TVs, monitors, hardware. I needed a personal Central Hub for information and data saving ... on a budget.

Then I got with Jasmine and my Head Quarters became a home. Changed everything. Packed away most of the equipment and put "family" stuff up. Pictures and got things family orientated furniture and such. Even got things for Xavier before he got born. And when my apartment wasn't enough, we moved across the hall to a bigger place.

And even though I had to get rid of the work, I still kept my apartment practical and ... well, it worked. But being in jail caused me to lose all that and Lynnann only really saved things that she figured she would eventually need herself. 93% of what I owned is gone. Never to be seen again. When the realization of how much history and stuff was actually gone ... I admit, I cried. Not just for me but for my brothers too. Their stuff was gone too. Letters and pictures and equipment and so, so much more.

And living with Lynnann after jail ... well, I wasn't content. James was because they didn't give a fuck where he went as long as it didn't follow him home but I wasn't. No matter what I did, it wasn't enough. And I wanted to constantly kill Bridget.

Living with Mom and Dad now isn't so bad. It is slightly better. And I do so much here that I keep myself busy but at the same time, I have no room, I have no where to actually keep my stuff so it is kind of shattered throughout the house in "hiding" spots.

I need my own safe haven. My own place. Damn, at the moment, I'll settle for my own room. Just something to call mine.

Mom and Dad want to buy the whole duplex when Mom gets her settlement. I will get a room in that one ( and maybe another one for Xavier when I get him back ) but would that really be enough. Mom and Dad want me close to them because they worry about a encore of my incident with Jasmine ( since I am still having flashbacks and whatnot ) so I have to prove that I can handle that and take hold of my life again.

I am not sure if I want to live with anyone else really but I think I might have to at first. And if I don't live with Mom and Dad, they would be okay if I live close enough for them to take action if something did happen. However, if U.S. feels that being a hindrance then we might ghost. I am hoping that things don't come to do that but that depends on how well I handle this year.
  • Expand on my Second Chance Reviews page
I started this project of mine before I left at the end of Summer of 2014 and when I came back mid 2015, I have been trying really hard to keep up with it. A post by the end of the work week ( Friday ) so that people who get their paychecks on Fridays can see it and go to the store with a better idea on what to pick up.

I have been trying to get lesser named games and older games that are cheaper because that is what Second Chance Reviews ( SCR ) is all about. The poorer gamer who wants a heads up on a good or bad game or for games who got a bad wrap to get another swing!

So far, I have a Facebook Group and Facebook Page. I also have a Google Blogspot page and my friend, Shawn got me a website for SCR. I honestly didn't think I would have so many venues so quickly but feel lucky to have so much for something that I just started taking more seriously. I even have myself an Editor ( Katelyn ) and two writers so far ( JenM and ReneH ). I want 1-2 more writers so I can just worry about the actual upkeep of the website but for the moment I am also a writer and I have to admit that it is tough for me to keep up on posting every week and play a particular game for a week and write a review for it by Friday ( with everything else that I have to do around the house and for U.S. ).

The week before Christmas and Christmas itself and then New Years Day were void of actual posts. I haven't just been slacking but the holidays suck for actual free time.

Also, it doesn't help that dad keeps saying that it isn't important since it doesn't bring in any money but I am constantly surrounded by 'nah' sayers so I let that shit roll off me and keep doing me.
I was never in this for the money but I was in it for the love of gaming! It is part of who I am. 
( Actually, I would have more fun making webisodes on how to operate firearms since I am seriously more interested in that! But I am not allowed to even touch a firearm :'( )

This year, I want to at least force myself to post ( either through me or through writers I find ) 3-4x times a month. I also need to find a way to better manage the website. It is nice to have a website but if it doesn't look good then what's the point. I want to be able to purchase advertisement before mid-year. Facebook got avenues for that and since I know both Shawn and Dad, they would advertise for me on a discounted rate ( I hope ).
Next year, if I do well with this I'll start "First Impression". More on that Next Year!
  • Indulge into the Gaming Scene
I enjoy playing video games. I do take care of things. I help cook, clean and work ( ask people who know me )! I take care of what I need to take care of and when I got myself some well desired free time, I juggle everything else ( social media, friends, video games ... trust me that is a lot to juggle ).

Well, lately, I have been trying to join a few  FB groups involving gaming and whatnot. I got myself a Twitch Account in hopes to start my own Twitch channel come the turn of the year ( that plan feel behind a little. still waiting on parts ). Lynn won't return the XBox I bought or the games I owned and I found a few that my brothers "borrowed" while I was away ( not knowing what else is floating around in this house ).

I have tried to focus on my Second Chance Reviews websites/pages/blogs but it is a lot for one person. I am trying to befriend and recruit as much as I can but ... well, money is the great motivator that I do not have lol But I am hoping that some people who play video games and who know how to write a little are willing to give their options on some underdogs of games! :D

The community is out there. I just have to convince them to do something they already love and try something new. So far I have two writers ( JenM and ReneH ) and editor ( Katelyn ).

KayM - Editor

ReneH - Writer

JennM - Writer
It is growing but I want more!

I want an active Twitch Account that I broadcast on regularly ( once a week ... twice tops! ) and it will be more up to date games than my SCR site. I would like to get a new XBox 360 that's mine ( since my sister Lynn won't give back the one I paid her for, cause she has amnesia about me paying her for it ) and trying to share 2 in a household of 7 with 3 TV is hard ( trust me it is ). If I have the money, I'll buy a Xbox One but I don't know if its sharing protocol allows for inbox window to see me while I play ... or if I have to buy a computer to even do that.

I also want to build a Gaming PC. Danny ( my computer tech in T.O.W. ) says that it would take a little under 400$ to get a good one. There a few games I want to have on my Twitch Broadcasting account. Mainly Elder Scrolls Online, Diablo, StarBound and this GunZ 2 game! Good stuff, I'll say.

But before all of that, I have to update my computer. Graphics Card and maybe a new processor. I got the hardware so I am about half way there, no? Once again, Mom and Dad says they'll pay for that too.

If not then I'll have to re-evaluate my family contributions.
  • Stop Putting Anyone ( Women ) Over Me
I don't know where I went wrong with Jasmine but Vincent says that my problem with her ( and probably every woman in my life ) is that I put them before me. I explain to him that women I do that to, I love to that level to care about them before me. Then he says, "And they know it and they use that shit as a stepping stone. Once they realize you are starting to not support their damn weight they will find another stone. Don't be that stone." ( paraphrased from Vincent )

I have to admit that since I have been back, I have been through a lot of heartache. Some of them James set up "dates" for me and other times, I find interest in people. Let's go down the list and write what went wrong.

Lacey - "my racist dad wouldn't understand" - her words
Brandi - taken ... sadly

Ebu - I decided to friendzone

Shiane - strung me along for months
( photo not available )
Bre - taken
Chantell - disappeared

Marsha - nutcase
Stephanie - too stuck in her old ways to change

Samantha - complete diss

Denise - "not black enough"
Ashley - old love who became too slutty to tolerate

Melissa - over-complicating and weird

Frosty - friendzoned me

Jeanie - she was too tired to bother

Kayla - FwB ex-gf who moved on ... multiple times

Amanda - uninterested

Mandy - semi-mutual friendzoned

Jeska - BDSM who lost interest and became unreliable
Krystal ( KiK ) - major mood swings ... potential catfish
Jennay - disappeared
April - not "black" enough

Karla - career focused

Right now, I am trying to make things work with Candi but I am feeling that once again, I am making all the effort. I think I am going to give her one more month and then drop her and call it quits if things don't approve ... across the board. No dating. No talking. No trying to impress. Nope. Done. Finish. Fin! Completely too old, too tired and too heartbroken to keep trying
like this to just keep falling. Yeah, I could switch up tactics but honestly, this is a young guy's game and I am way behind and got way more important things to do.

Sorry ladies, I am officially done bothering to try anymore. The only thing I got on me is my son now. And speaking of which ...
  • Get Xavier Back
Honestly, before I went to jail, Jasmine would not have had a snowball chance in hell of getting Xavier in a custody battle. At the time, I was way more stable. My name was on everything since I actually paid for everything ( if not the majority of everything ). I owned the apartment and the things inside of it ( expect for her closest of stuff she owned ). I owned a car and I had a steady flow of money that came in a went directly into bills. The teachers would come in to help prep Xavier for school and it was me who was with him and them and it was me who worked with him after they left and kept the records and recorded everything and ... EVERYTHING! I did everything and I regretted nothing. He was my son, the product of love ( I thought ) and I wanted the world for him.

Then when Jasmine told me ... what she told me ... I felt that I failed everyone. That I was a joke to everyone. The most important person to me next to my son didn't just betray me but has been. She has been playing me for a fool and ... what she did was more than cheat on me, she killed my soul. The inner me that believed and hoped and dreamt that a messed up person like me can have a happy ending - that is what she killed. And I couldn't handle that. I've been shot and stabbed and beaten and even tortured. But that, that hurt way more than anything because that killed who I was.

And I attempted to make the pain stop.

And from that, they arrested me and she tried to take as much from me as possible. The most precious thing was my son. And since coming back ... well, I can't say that I have been doing everything as I can because I know that I have to figure out what I want to return to him as. I can't return to him as the destroyed man that his mother left behind. I can't be the monster I was before, either. And I can't be ... I need to be better.

I need the following:
- self-sustaining money flow
- suitable and comfortable living environment ( to my own standards along with the government )
- my own form of transportation
- my anger and other emotions under control
- better support system ( for him, not for me )
- to be on track with what U.S. needs/wants

Not exactly a tall order but still none of those things are an over night task. I got the SSI back but it isn't fixed. I have to refund the money that Lynn took while I was in jail so I lose a little under 200$ from each check to pay it back. The difficulties with that whole situation lies here if you want to read more on that.

And depending how this duplex idea pans out determines if I stay here or look elsewhere for what I need when it comes to Xavier and I. I love my family here ( believe it or not ) but it is kind of crazy here. Regardless of each of their immature personalities, 7 people is a lot to deal with ( without adding the whole U.S. situation ). And then there are the 3 days that I don't care for but I have to help take care of ( the owners of the dogs barely take care of them but they throw fits about us giving them away ).

I am hoping that I can control a little more of what happens on the other side of the house when the whole duplex is purchased but if I can't handle it or I don't feel that we all are on the same page, I will go elsewhere to try to make it happen. I am not looking to move anyone in if I get to have him over at my place. Like I am not looking for another person to help me with him. I needed Jasmine for that and I relied on her so much ( for mental/moral support ) that when she left, it broke down completely. I have to be able to grow beyond that while I am here in T.O.W. I can't let what happen before or anything like that breakdown happen again. I can't lose my son. I can't lose the Legacy.

Now, the reason I am working on weeding out the worthless people isn't just because for me but I have to surround myself with a better caliber of people for him. Who I hang out with, he will be exposed to so I have to work on that a lot better.

I wasn't that angry as a person before on the outside. I held it in for Xavier ... for Jasmine. I held everyone of my brothers back as long as I could. I swear I did but ... one vs six doesn't work. So rather than doing the same thing as before, I have to learn new skills. I have to learn to manage them. To handle them. To make sure that I deserve the title of Primary.

And I have to stand on my own. I can not stress that enough. There is only so much I can stand other people supporting me. Especially, family, as strange as that seems. I am too old to still be home. Visit for a little while but I am starting to feel that it is time that I make a move for advancement here.

I have to be more than me for Xavier. Because I gave him my word ...

But that is the goals for 2016 for now. I am hoping that I keep that very much on track for a whole year. And this entry has extended long enough so ... hopefully more on progress very soon.