Sunday, May 22, 2016

New Over Old

It has been a very long while since I have updated on this thing. Not because I haven't wanted to because I do a lot. Just not so much time. With being with this adopted family, a few things comes with it that are both benefits and set backs.

Since 'dad' works for Magnum Broadcasting ( radio station that has 6 stations under this one title ). Dad works on all of them but mainly the one near us ( Real Country 1260 ) and the one in State College ( QWIK Rock 105.7 ). Him and the boss of the company are like best friends. They talk about personal stuff and they rely on each other heavily. It is great to see great friends work together.

Luckily, dad seems to have a lot on his plate and I have a lot to try to get rid of in my head and since self harm isn't a practice looked favorably here, working myself to exhaustion ( pass or fail, success or complete fuck-up ). I work myself so hard because when I do I don't think of Jasmine or my son.

However, Spencer says that they take advantage of that. That they rely on me so much that if I am to leave then that this family would fail. And since he is in the committee, he does plan on U.S. leaving this family. he says we have things to do.

And I agree but ... I don't know. I get angry at them a lot and they disappoint me often but that is understandable, according to M.A.D. He says that people ( especially T.O.W. people ) are not perfect and most then to settle in that ideal and stay there rather than accept it as a possible outcome for trying.

But I do tend to do a lot. A few weeks ago, Dad needed my help with a Man Expo ( an Expo for everything masculine country ) and I was running around the place! Trying not to stay in one place too long or else James would get all chit chatty or flirty or too friendly. I ran from place to place to move things and check if anyone needed help or direction. Igor ( Uncle Larry and Auntie Shelly's new adopted kid from the Ukraine ) was extremely useful. I feel that he has had the same background that I had but came out better, granted a little more damaged than most would like to see.

But I worked myself so hard. And even though I worked myself to exhaustion within the 1st hour ( to the point where everyone who I went to look for something to do, just annoyingly politely sent me away ), that I injured myself. Spencer says that it was a Charlie Horse from physically quickly turning from one task to another that my thighs decided that it was enough. He claimed that it should go away but after laying in the kitchen on the floor waiting for it to go away ( keep in mind that many people came around and saw me on the ground and did nothing ), I got annoyed doing nothing and just waiting. So I crawled to a counter and grabbed a fork and stabbed myself on the opposite side of the thigh.

Now, you should be asking why and that is understandable if you didn't know my upbringing. When I was with Seth, he was always kind of a dick and hard ass about training but there was this one time where I realized how ... 'intense' he was/is.

I was tired of running for morning routine to which I can relate to military PT in T.O.W. and I told Seth that I was tired of running. He then 'hurt' my legs and asked which was more painful? The old pain or the new pain? I replied the new one. Then he asked if I felt the old pain. I said, no. Then he made me finish morning routine or else he would keep giving me new pain that would make me forget about the previous old pain.

I guess, I took from that, if you give yourself new pain, you would forget the old pain. I think I do that with the work ( work - new pain, Jasmine - old pain ). And this situation, since I knew I had to keep going or else me laying on the ground in pain would eventually allow my heart ( or whatever ) to think of Jasmine. I had to avoid that. So I did.

I finished the tasks I had to do, limping the rest of the day but pushing myself to make myself finish the task infront of me.

Dad found out. He hasn't asked me to go to any other event since then. I still do stuff at home though. I still find stuff to do, break or fix, success or fail, good or bad. Anything to .. not to experience the pain of losing Jasmine.