So there are several areas of my life that still need improvement. Employment, Credentials, Residence and Recreational. Thinking about Vincent and his methods, I suppose that mine need steps that I plan to tackle to achieve my own goals.

Employment:

I have applied to two locations since last week and I want to concentrate on these two positions. One is a Clerk at a Local Video Store and the other is an Accounts Payable Clerk at a local Hotel Franchise. I have called the owner of the Local Video Store about the position telling him how interested and excited I am to be a clerk at his branch nearest to me. I tried to get in contact with the Manager of the Hotel but with no luck. Maybe I’ll get her voice mail when I try to call again in the middle of the week. That way the ball will be on their court to get in contact with me and to let them know I am still very interested in the position.

I also signed up to be a volunteer at our local Library. My first day will be mid week and it will be for a few hours. I will probably need my brother Spencer’s help with that position since that is more his element but I do believe it will be mostly me on this job.

Credentials:

In the pursuit of regaining all of my credentials, I have managed to get a photo identifications card and my social security card. However, to get a Driver’s License, I need a new copy of my Citizenship Certificate. That has proved to be more of a longer process then I thought. Recently, I have sent in two passport photos and I hope that it is the final step in obtaining my Certificate. Now, I wait for them to either tell me that they need more proof that I am who I say I am or for them to issue me an updated Certificate.

I also want to return to my 2009 residence to obtain some of my personal belongings. That would take about 20$ in gas money. Maybe my original passport will be there and if that is the case, I can use that as a substitute for my Citizenship Papers.

Residence:

We are expanding to a 2 bedroom location. My current landlord said that the apartment upstairs, which is two bedroom might be available in the next few up coming months. I plan on the next time I hand him rent money that I will bring it up and suggest that we simply move our lease from one apartment to another. Also, that he keeps us as the top priority in obtaining the residence. I wish that my previous representative didn’t retire from the program or else I’d have her put in a few good words. Mid Level Networking. Rent would go up 100$ but that has everything but electric and water included so I think that is a good trade off.

Recreational:

My brother Michael is trying to convince me to help him start up an old YouTube webisode he started ages ago called MWMN. Also, I want to do a mid year video to show what has happened since my last video … and a lot has happened. I still need more video footage that I plan to get with the upcoming weeks but I am confident that it might turn out nicely. With Michael’s idea we still need to get together and work on the storyboard. The MWMN isn’t an easy concept to try to make work so it takes some planning.

With everything said and done, I believe I should state my next three steps for each Topic.

Employment:

Ÿ  Call the Local Video Store and see if they still have the Clerk Position open.

Ÿ  Call the Hotel and ask to speak to Manager. If Manager is out the ask to leave her a message.

Ÿ  Go to Library for Volunteer Counter Position and do the best you can and then some

Credentials:

Ÿ  Obtain 20$ for gas money to Parker.

Ÿ  Get in touch with contact in Parker about my personal effects and let her know that I might be coming down sometime.

Ÿ  Discuss with Driver what the plan is.

Residence:

Ÿ  Clean the walls of the apartment back to their whiter shade rather than egg shell.

Ÿ  Sand and paint over punched hole in the wall.

Ÿ  Discuss potentially moving upstairs to landlord the next time we give him rent money.

Recreational:

Ÿ  Design dialogue for the MWMN webisode season 2

Ÿ  Design storyboard for the MWMN webisode season 2

Ÿ  Design plan on what to record in the next few upcoming months

These things should keep me busy for a while. Vincent, eat your heart out! Making moves baby!

Self Worth

I have been trying to deal with the concept of self worth. I think it has been an underlining of my motivation in the past few years. Trying to define what self worth means to me and how to change it.

Sometimes, I find myself judging my self worth by what other people say. Other people say what they see so in turn, it ends up being a good indicator of what a person is. Granted, this way isn't always fail proof. I struggle with this daily ... what people think of me.

For the most part, I feel that I do what needs to be done. People who don't like me either don't know me and hate me for being black or are mad or jealous that we part ways. Kind of a self centered and self raising way of thinking but I am seeing that. The problem with that thinking is when one compares the good with the bad and the bad wins. If more people say bad things then good. And if the good people are thinking bad things but aren't telling you.

Looking into the mirror, it changes with the switches. Some days I feel very confident and other days I feel completely hopeless. My self worth changes with the level of support from my U.S. agency assistance. Without them I am not sure where I would be here.

But each day, I try to claw myself through the muck. I try to get somewhere on my own. I appreciate the help but I work hard to do most of it myself.

But when your self worth is taken from you, when you are told that you are not worth the effort, you feel that you aren't clawing but quirming instead.

This is something I have to work on.

Sometimes, I look at my posts and realize how cold and calculative they seem to be. I rarely relate to anything emotional. I rarely talk about my love for my now wife Jasmine. I wonder what that means now ...

Progressive Morning

Today was a very productive day.

This morning, I called the insurance company about the accident Beauty had a few months back. They were asking for 105$ a month and that is just too high for our finances so I got them down to 50$ a month. I think the next time I talk to them, I will try to get them down to 25$ a month which would will be better allowed by our budget.

I also called SilverScreen, a local video store in our town, and asked them about the Clerk position they had open. They said that they were still looking for someone to fill in the position. I reminded them that I left my filled appliction and resume there a little over a week ago. I managed to get the name of the owner of the store, a Lenard Martin Jr., and looked up his number in the phone book. I got his number and gave him a call and told him, as a nervous potential, that I was very interested in getting the job. He said that he would look forward to finding my resume and application in the pool of applications. I hope that he sees that I am the man for the job.

I called the Holiday Inn Express inquiring about their Accounts Payable Clerk position. I didn't get too far with that but they are still looking so that is a good thing. I got the name of Julie being the manager who is the one who would be searching through the paperwork so that is good to know. I might try again later on next week to see if it is still open and that I am very interested in the position.

In class today, I was talking to the instructor, Candy, about Beauty's situation with her daughter and she said that she had a name of a lawyer who might be able to look into the sitution free of charge. Another step into the right situation. She also said that maybe it might be something worth bringing CYS into. I have to do more research with that.

It feels good to be working with the team again. Things are being done. Spencer helped make sense of the complicated stuff. lol

MAD wants to restart the MWMN broadcast for me. Maybe he is hoping I would help him with his Mad Image Inc broadcase but that would require that he actually do some artwork. We'll work around it.

Sadly James is kinda flirting with Nikki, something he shouldn't be doing but I got him to talk less to her. Other than that, I don't see any harm in him talking to Kay or some of his other friends. Just as long as they aren't too suggesting. At least Nikki knows that I am off limits.

Tobias likes the games we play but ... I have other things to worry about other than keeping him entertained. That's Michael's ( Mad's ) job.

Need An Escape

I have to start making some changes. For the past few days, I’ve been a couch-potatoe. Just sitting and running simulations. I sometimes feel better in the simulations since I cannot connect with Haven as much as I used to. Sometimes I feel completely disconnected. Like it rejects me. Must be the medications.

Regardless, I cannot allow myself to be such a bum. I have to get myself up and going. I mean, how can we survive if it is just Jasmine working. It isn’t fair to her at all. Especially in the upcoming months.

However, I guess even someone like myself needs an escape. I just need to refocus and get awake so I can be of some good in THIS world.

Tyra’s Birthday Party

Yesterday, I attended Tyra’s Birthday Party with Jasmine and Jane. It was … odd. Once again, I came back into Tyra’s life and she didn’t seem to care much for me. She didn’t seem to really acknowledge me much which is understandable. I haven’t really been around. And with Tammy seeing Neal, she has someone … that isn’t me.

I think back to 3 years ago … wow, it has been a long time since I’ve been around for a birthday. I mean, last summer I was around constantly and we were really beginning to connect but then … the drama of LPV was too much and I decided to take a break from it all. So it is no wonder that she didn’t really take mind to my presence there.

But it isn’t about me. Never was. It is all about her. And if she is content that way, then maybe it is for the best.

It didn’t help that a lot of ghosts from our past were there. Chasity gave me the super cold should since I brought my wife in. And Megan … well, Megan will be Megan. But I guess that it was nice to drop by and give her the gift of Dora the Explorer Jump Rope.

At least I got the record it. It should make a good segment for the end of the year video.

The Married Life

I am not sure what to feel. I feel closer to numb then anything else. I mean, I love my new wife with all my heart but I guess the marriage didn’t increase or decrease or even change anything.

I know we have a lot to work on but what we have is good. It is progressive. Sometimes, I over react to her past that seems to be new to me. Sometimes, I get annoyed at how physical she is since I am not used to even touching people. I am not saying that she is always grabbing or anything because sometimes I like the rough stuff. But it is new to be caressed. It is new to be touched softly. New to me at least.

I have to get used to a lot of things. But I do believe progress can and will be made. I believe this marriage was more of a promise of a new start. A promise that we will see through til the end. At least, in my book.