Hating the Mask

Today, was a bad day. Dad referred to me as a pussy again. When he does that I want to throw stuff at him, smash his head in, shoot him in the thigh and step in it to make him suffer, crack a baseball bat at his back to just watch him suffer.

The Darkness breaking through. Like withdraw.

But Spencer order me nit to take any action. That relocation from the situation I created can't be escaped from. That the legacy must be returned to U.S. and that suffering the constant insults and belittling is my punishment I must endure for speeding up his damn timetables

But I know if I take actions, then he'll say that he was "just kidding" and that "I shouldn't have taken it so seriously" or I "shouldn't get butthurt" our some dumb shit or something stupid that he always says. Don't take it personally but they'll label me as such.

Fuck! I'm angry ... again! Angry all the time. And I'm not the beat you down kind of guy .. I'm the tie you to the bed when you sleep as I burn your house down around you kind of thing.

Or maybe I should bring Seth back. I notice how he looks at them. Even Nakoma. And CJ. He wants to beat CJ. He wants to break Bobby. He wants to ... he doesn't wan anything good for these people.

And this is my brother! They don't know what have been done just cause. Living in TOW at first there were little restrictions. Bad things happened. Some of my brothers keep good of that feeling while most of us tried to change and adapt to U.S.'s rules for TOW.

My family now won't know. The first few knew and they ... they aren't ... I can't let that happen again. Spencer thinks that I have forgotten but sometimes I remember. I know I forget because of him but sometimes I remember.

I can't let ... I have to control my brothers. My real brothers. They'll ruin everything.

Maybe I have to leave. I hate this mask I have to put on to protect people. So let me stop and save them by leaving.

It'll be best for everyone. Pack up and move on to the next level. Unless, I can come up with another solution but honestly I hate quitting and running.

She makes ME sick!

So my brother Bobby has asked about my dick size before, James' too. I tend to ignore the question and stop James from dropping hiss pants in front of everyone.

Bobby says that Brittany ( an ex friend to me and FwB to James ) and Lynn says we got a white boy dick. I shrug it off. I really don't give two flying fucks on hearsay of what two girls with hallway vaginas have to say. Besides, James says they kept coming back so that tells me that it obviously was not that bad.

But yesterday, Bobby claimed that we had white boy dick. I'm like, are you going to go off what a two tramps who no longer talk or like either me or James anymore? They could be lying for all he knows.

He said that Lynn, my sister had dick pictures to price it. I look to James, obviously pissed, and he gave me his silent "opps" shrug. Then Bobby said that Lynn said that I had sex with her and had sex with her husband Josh. I brushed it off but they look on his face was completely serious.

I started to feel sick. Just the thought of me having sex with her is sickening. Even if she isn't my actual sister, she is a horrible person inside and a disgusting person on the outside. My stomach turned and I wanted to vomit.

But once again, I look to James and he gives me his "opps" shrug and I instantly wanted to snag his head in. Dad came in and Bobby repeated what he said and he looked at me and said "you defiantly didn't do any of that Nick but I completely believe James did."

I swear I need to put a fucking chastity belt on James. Even if it isn't true. It is the idea that I'm guilty by association.

And now, days later, I feel sick to my stomach still. I need to get him tested ASAP. And I need stomach medication to settle the symptoms of this revelation.

I wish I didn't need James. That I could have a conversion without getting angry or so straightforward that it turns people off.

I need to get better socially myself. Then maybe I can move on from James because he is staying to rally damage my image here.

Difference in Family Ties

So, not sure if I made any posts about me living with my sister Lynnanne and her kicking me out, keeping my games and console, losing over 85% of my possessions, taking over 2 800$ from me ( and asking for 700$ when she kicked me out ) and allowing my little sister ( who was right at the time ) to smoke weed. Yea, she's a piece of work, right?

Well, I've been trying to find a way to get my money or the stuff she still has back. I've talked to my card company but they are kind of dragging their feet on the whole thing while still and they cops are virtually useless. They told me to call a layer while the lawyer told me to contact yet police. Yea, useful.

I talked to my Life Manager ( Nikki from Service Access Management ) and she suggested that I try the State Police with evidence at my disposal. So, I've collected bank statements from my card company of transactions made while I was in jail and transactions made while I was living with her (

I owed her 500$ in rent which she never paid to the landlord, hence why we had to move, and she took the remaining two hundred and spent it ). Granted she bought me a few packs of cigarettes but still not justifiable for her to take my whole amount for whatever she sent it.

Well I keep notes of my actions fir everything progressive and deals with rebuilding my life. I left the notebook in the living room and I came back my dad was where I was so I'm sure he read what I wrote. He started talking to me, asking if this is what I'm trying to do.

I told him I'm exploring every option before actually taking actions but it seems like a very likely plausibility since other avenues aren't working. Then dad started to say that it would be a waste of time to pursue that avenue because:

 1) I'm a black guy in a white county. Unfair, sad truth but a truth none the less
2) The actual of time and energy required for something that would not work anyways would simply be a waste of time
3) That will piss Lynnanne off to the point to where she could destroy the remainder of my stuff or sell them meaning I won't receive anything ( or take other forms of retaliation ).
4) Even if I succeed in pursuing charges and and the courts sends her to jail and makes her pay back the money, you'll have to wait until after she is released from jail and when she is released she'll have to get a crappy job and pay like 15 - 30$ a month so it would take forever for her to actually pay back what she took.

While saying all of this, he reminds me that he doesn't care what happens to her but he doesn't want me to waste my time if my goal is revenge in any way.

He kept asking me, "Why are you doing this?" "Why do you want to do this?"

Many Andes ran through my head but Spencer was acid from me, saying that he'll shoot down my opinion because of his "superiority complex" ( Spencer's words ). So I thought hard and hard and I honestly couldn't think of an uber smart answer for dad's question.

Of course I want Lynn to pay for what she did, not only did to me but to everyone she mistreated. But dad explained that she won't learn anything. She is so stubborn that she wouldn't feel remorse or anything while she's in jail and she will do her damnest to make any form of retribution a struggle and annoyance for me. And that is just her own obstacle! There is the whole correctional system being as flawed and broken as it is. Makes it seem like no matter what I would want it wouldn't pan out.

But when I came to my own private conclusion, I heard MAD chuckle in the other room. Obviously, he approved of my conclusion.

I just want to do it simply because I want to do it. I dint care whether she learns a lesson. I'm no teacher and I have no love to teach her a damn thing. And as important as the money should be, I'm slightly indifferent ( a little more if a struggle for my actual things but I've lost things before. Hell, U.S. still gives me shit for losing the treasure chest ).

No, I want to do this because honestly I don't want myself or U.S. seen as easily pushed over. We've let this happened repeatively for far too long. I've let this happen for far too long. I'm an tired of being used. Tired of letting bad people do bad things. In the DRT I didn't let shit like this slide then. I shouldn't let shit like this happen now.

As the anger grows

Lately, I've been extremely more angry. Angry at dad, Bobby, CJ ... Even Nakoma.

Saturday, Nakoma wanted to to watch scary movies with me and we had fun. Her running behind me during the scary parts and me being the big brother that I am too reassure her that there odd nothing to worry about.

After the movie, she was on her way downstairs when she saw a sticker she put on her months ago that said, "being drug free is the key to success". She started say that being drug free isn't really the key to success. I tried to explain to her that drugs confuse and distract you more so than one needs.

She started to argue that I was wrong.

Then I started to get upset because I know her ideals comes from dad. Dad himself doesn't do drugs now but her grew up in the age of sex, drugs and rock and roll. It kind of formed him into the person he is today. But he is kind if laxed on they idea of addicts and drugs, where as I have a stricter idea of drugs and what not.

It upset me that those ideals are being absorbed by Nakoma. Actually, it pissed me off.

But getting upset with her wasn't right. I was so upset that I stormed out, leaving her alone and not dissing to her the rest of the night.

The next day I felt horrible about being that crossed with her. I should have listened to what she had to say and worked with that. Not just label what I thought she was going to say as wrong but hear her out and give her my opinion.

That is the person I want to be. Ok want to be the good influence. To treat everyone I come across on a respectable adult level regardless of age or relation.

It is how I wanted to be after Michael found Mr, it is how I wanted to be when I was married to

Jasmine and how I want to treat my children.

I can't let this anger get the best of me. I have to ... calm down and deal with situations with assertiveness and not aggressiveness.

I need to be better ...

She is not Jasmine

So after Candi's no site, I was obviously still upset but I still have a few wise friends that I talk to. Mainly Kayelyn, who has been my platonic soulmate since we met and she has been my voice if reason ever since. She puts me in my place when I need to and she shows love and concern. She is a valuable asset to me.

I told her what was going on and she explained that I shouldn't be so hard on her. I then explained that it is a level of respect. Jasmine lost respect for me "as a husband" and that killed me hard then. It is that thought behavior that had her stealing money and having AJ sleep in our bed when I wasn't around and everything what. I swore I wouldn't allow that to happen again. No matter what.

Kayelyn replied:

Everyone deserves their own chance on their own merit, she isn't Jasmine.

She explained that she didn't mean to hurt me and I shouldn't allow a momentary flaw bar myself from someone great to me. Mom and Frosty said the same thing to me.

So I messaged Candi and talked to her about what I felt. She was remorseful and apologetic so I feel that she wasn't being malicious with her action. I told her my train if thought so that she sound understand where I was and how I got there mentally. She said she understood and said she would do her best not to let that happen again.

So things are kind of on track. We are taking and being lovey dovey. Can you believe that we haven't jumped into anything. What I mean is that we haven't sent any nudes or talked too naughty or jumped the gun with saying LOVE yet ( even though I feel we are heading in that direction ).

I'm feeling better with it all. I am gonna be more cautious but I try not to let that prevent our progress. I want this to work so I will put the effort for success here!

Without Me

So, for some reason that I can only explain as stupid evil coincidence, I ended up going something that was close enough to Jasmine's name that it brought up her Facebook profile.

It has a new picture. And a new covert photo ... of Xavier.

Oh my God he had grown so much! I don't even recognize him. Gawd I feel like breaking down. Too many things happening.

Candi's open disrespect
Jasmine reusing her old profile
Xavier growing up ... without me
Me trying to quit smoking ... a week ago
Mom, Dad, CJ, Bobby, Josh .... everyone

I'm just ... I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know if I can handle any of this much longer

They Are All The Same

I'm so angry right now. Ever since Candi told me she was coming down to Clearfield County I had to admit that I was excited. Finally get to connect with another human being that seems remotely normal. Someone at seems to at least be on my level.

But there was a slight "tick" that bothered me. She never asked for my address and she didn't really want to pinpoint a time. Spencer chimed in my head about the bet I lost to Paris about Angel and whether she would show up for a lunch date our not over two years ago.

"She didn't show so you lost the bet," Spencer reminded me. Proof that he needed to show that women were never worth anyone's time.

But Candi had to be different. I noted against Spencer's logic that she was different. So I worked out a way, with her, to still be able to help out at the LIVE EVENT at State College and to help the Magnum Broadcasting boss, Michael, with a simple job that would take the hours and I had to pick up Josh from work at four in the morning with enough time to still see Candi this weekend before she had to head back to Camp Hill.

So to start of my Saturday, I woke up an hour late to picking up Josh which pissed me off because I had to get up at 4 in the morning and he had been waiting for about an hour, and then we had to stay in State College fit like the hours until the live event. I got up to the radio station to crash there and Josh took the SUV home since Michael was gonna drive us home.

Well, when we, myself, Tyler and Bon, got to the station we found various places to sleep. I woke up to dad calling asking where I was. I looked at the clock to find out I slept a half hour post the live event start so I grabbed Tyler and Bon and he headed to the event. Tyler put on the mascot outfit and Bon helped around the site.

Me? I was angry at myself and other prior were making me want to hurt so I kinda isolated myself in the QWIK ROCK truck. Dianna can't in to check on me and she apologized for not being able to get me free tickets to the SevenDust, ShineDown and Breaking Benjamin concert but I was okay with it, mainly because I was going to get to see Candi and I told her all about this artist woman I meant and everything.

Candi didn't actually text me until noon, saying she slept in too. I guess, it was sleep in day or something. We talked about what I had to do left and that I was looking forward to our "date".

We packed up whenever the event was over and returned to the station where Michael picked Mr up to take me to get gas and fill up a generator. Even though it took the better part of like 3-4 hours, I was okay with it because I was gonna see Candi. Sadly my phone kept ding so I could keep in constant contact buy she knew that but she also knew that I was excited about seeing her.

She mentioned that she was going to see her daughters which was cool. She hadn't seen them in a while and ... well they are her kids. I get it. I was still excited about seeing her afterwards.

Well, Michael and me finished and he took me to his house where I charged my phone and called dad to pick me up from State College. Michael paid me for my services for the day and we left fit me to go home and prepare for me to be gone for the rest of the weekend with a great woman.

I can't home, texted Candi that I got home and should be ready in half an hour and since she was staying was half an hour away anyways everything kind of lined up.

I started to give myself a hair cut and realized I had a great lesson for Xavier: the ability to learn to do things yourself. I recorded it while cutting my own hair. I hour the message git across via video.

Then took a shower and then sat back ... for two hours. Since we talked about me staying overnight I wasn't able to borrow the car but she had one and had no problem picking me up so she said ... but two hours without texting me why is was so late?

I waited another hour and I texted her asking if she forgot or something. She replied that she was sorry but that she was still with her daughters. I asked if she still edged to make the trip since she usually sleep between eight and nine because of her meds and she said she could handle it.

Here I am, on my couch, no word from Candi. It is past five in the morning ... and I am the full again waiting for the girl to come back.

I can't do this again. I really can't do this again. No respect. None at all. If she had she would have at least told me that "hey, it is getting late and I'm so sorry but can we chill tomorrow?"

I'm angry. So so angry. What's wrong with me? Am I not worth common courtesy? I've given her nothing but the best of me. Been up front with her about so much .... and now ...

But why? Why is it that dad, CJ, James all can get people to like them and here I am with people who ... I know the reason. I have always known the reason.

Because monsters never get happy endings.

Gawd, I need a cigarette

Dark Horse

So I've been seeing someone ... well, not really seeing anyone because it isn't official or anything.

Okay, let me start over. I knew a woman who taught me how to cook and clean and other daily activities that I had troubles with when I started living by myself. She was so cool and everything and she was so supportive. I considered her a great friend. I even invited her to the last birthday party that I attended.

Candi ( potential GF? )

She didn't show up and that was around the time Jasmine and I were ding better and nothing else matters. Nothing else at all. Not my smoking habit or my meds or going to my support group or even my friends. Nothing mattered because I was improving my family, Jasmine and Xavier.

Because of my dedication to something that already failed before it started, I had to "go away".

Now being back, James has made a campaign to get me hooked up with different women. Some were ridiculously outrageous or even out of my league. Others were simply not interested and others simply did not interest me personally. And there were a few that started off great and I was really excited about. Like Jennay and Shiane and Lacey and even Kayla and Jeska, but they all failed me. They were so stuck on themselves when I needed someone to be there for me as a friend and a partner.

My good friend, Frosty, who James has had a huge crush on, told me that I was comparing every girl to the idea I have out on a pedestal of Jasmine at her best in my mind and that is "not only unrealistic and impossible because that Jasmine isn't and probably never was the real Jasmine but also that means that you haven't let her go or moved on. Is that right for the next girl?"

Upon this revelation I ended James's Woman Search Project do I could move on. Concentrated on my own life and such. I started to get rid of people on my Facebook profile and phone contacts. Less fake people to focus on the people that actually meant something to me.

Candi was someone who survived the First Round of Elimination and I started talking to people, including her, to let them know that I cared about their lives ( something dad seems to feel is pointless ). Some replied while others didn't which made it easier to decide who wouldn't make it past Round Two.

I found myself talking to Candi often. Liking pictures and posts and making comments and what not. Enjoying the interaction because she would actually reply and talk back with some sense. I was enjoying myself with her.

One day, she posted that she was in a relationship to show her respect and everything. I talked her later and found out she did that to make her ex leave her alone. Something in me got excited and we started talking more personally. Dancing around but finally getting to the point that we liked each.

The moment I got her to actually get her to tell me that she likes me was last week and I told her that I have grown to really look forward to talking to her every day. Yes, that is how I say I like someone lol

So we have been talking for about a week, knowing we like each other so the conversion has upgraded a bit without being too teenage sex obsessed. I've confessed a lot of things that most people ( mainly referring to Cat ) freak out and disappear. She understood. She cared. She shared her own tough story which caused her to move to Camp Hill and I understood her situation and realized how small this world really is.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a story for another day!

We grew really close. Played the 20 Question game ( happy I confess ) and we learned a lot about each other.

Well, her mother is going for surgery tomorrow and she came into her parents house in Clearfield to accompany her mother to the Pittsburgh Hospital.

Which means she will be in the same county. Which also should mean that this should be a great opportunity to relax, have fun and try to move on.

I want this, right? No, I need this! I want to be with her. I want to move on from Jasmine. And ity isn't just because I want someone to trace Jasmine because in reality I know that I can't just replace Janine but I can hope that Candi and I can help each other be better. We are both rebuilding our lives and I am sure this can work.

I want this to work.

I need this to work.

I would love it if this would work because I think I might ... no, can't jinx it lol not yet.

But I am ready. I am so ready to experience Candi in her entirety.

The Monster Within

I have been ... getting angry lately. More angry than I should. I get angry at my Dad for his opinions that he claims to be absolute truths and my brother Bobby for being a waste of great potential and CJ for not appreciating the great people in his life and not ignoring the worthless ones and for Tyler for .... I don't know ... for the fact that he is going through a KISS stage of his teenage years and Tink for being a brat and Mom for putting up with so much.

And most of all, I am so angry at myself for dealing with so much of this shit. For not trying to beat up Bobby and CJ for superiority. For not using Spencer's help to out think dad with his ( so called ) logic. For seeing the same thing that I see in every family that i have ever been in really? I think ultimately, people just disappointment me.

Do I have high expectations? Or do people that take me in just take advantage of me and the things that I have?

Who would do that? I do not remember if I have mentioned it but Lynnanne was with me during the 10 months that I was in jail. She visited, paid to have money on my books, told me she took care of my affairs being the old apartment and bills and such. She made me believe that she cared and that she did a lot of me. It turned out that all she really wanted was Xavier and my money. She took 1400$ from me while i was in jail, wrecked my car and took all my money while I was living with her when I got out of jail. I saw her fucked up collection of unwanted people that she collected and used. Her brother Bobby, his girlfriend Shiane, the bitch Bridget and her husband Josh. She took from everyone. She used everyone and abused the love they all had for her. Never kept to any of her promises. Everything she said she did or was going to do was a lie. It was all horrible. She is horrible.

People are horrible,

But she wasn't the only one who is starting to make me question the people who claimed to love me. Obviously the leader of that list is Jasmine. My sweet, sweet wife that cheated on me with her best friend that I left her go out with constantly, Arthur ( AJ ) Shorter. The man that ruined my life. He knew and he took advantage and ... I trusted him and I trusted her and I trusted everyone. I trusted the people who didn't tell me but knew. So many people knew and the people that knew and told me, even though I didn't believe them at the time, I hold them dear to my heart and soul. But those that knew and kept it to themselves. Never bothered to tell me that my wife was sleeping with another man for half of our marriage, they can burn in hell.

And the people directly responsible ...

I am angry. I am so angry at everything that it kills me. I don't want to be angry but I enjoy being angry. It feels better than feeling the pain of the stupid and the hateful and manipulative. I don't think I hate ... not yet. I am just angry ... and I have a feeling that one day ... one day soon ...that anger will turn into action. Maybe in me punching a wall ... or a tree ... nothing extreme, right? Baby steps,

How do I fix this? How do I deal with this constant anger and disappointment and frustration? How do I deal with this ... and live with it?

....

Parents get frustrated with their children when they don't act like perfect angels. Some run. Others work on the problem the best they can. they aren't perfect but they knew that things get better. Some relatives with other relatives do the same thing. Okay, let's step away from family since that whole "nothing is thicker than blood kind of thing". Would you want to see your best friend drown knowing you could save them.

I am angry ... I am angry because I have seen a lot of people come and go. I have lost a lot of friends and let too many enemies go on the principles of what Michael believes in. I wasn't raised like that. I was raised to not have friends to lose and to take no prisoners. But here I am, two time doped ( Jasmine and Lynn ), listening to a super conservative man talk about his borderline racists and sexists and nationalist bigotry views, feeling inferring to CJ and Bobby because I do not want to hurt them ... or worse because I remember how I was like, pissed that my mom is on the verge of losing her newly gained marriage, and ... I just feel so out of place. I feel like I don't belong with this idea of normal.

In my mind, a growing idea that keeps getting bigger with age ..., I will always be a monster. And secretly everyone knows it. So I gotta suck it up and just ... be okay being the monster.