I Now See

I realize that I was wrong to be so upset at Jasmine. I ... have problems trusting that other people are gonna be concerned about my wishes and what I want.

This events proves to me that Jasmine does do what she feels is best towards me. And for that, I shall forever love her the best I can, with my flaws ( that I will work on reducing ) and my strength!

My Inability To Trust People To Do What I Want

So I went out with my 4th Mum, Jane, to complain about a few things but the real main reason was to find out what ring Jasmine got.

I know, what kinda person am I to be so manipulating. Well, if you knew me before Jasmine then this wouldn't be anything new. The world that I used to live in would have me not trusting people to do what I would need them to to allow for things to go smoothly.

Anyways, we go in and it happened to be the last thing we did there and it took some old school skills to find out that she got me the ring that I wanted. Exactly the ring I want. I mean, I gave her the choice of two and she picked the perfect one.

Now, how do you think I feel? ... like a dick. Not in the good scene either.

I have a long way to go if I am to be the man that Jasmine deserves. But this has proved me that I have to put my future wife on a better pedistool.

Jasmine, please forgive me.

Something Wrong

Okay, so I am freaking out a little bite. Jasmine went to get my ring today for the wedding. Yeah, I know the wedding is next week but it is very fucked up all together cuz of WalMart but … yeah.

Anyways, she comes back and I asked her how much was left over of the hundred and she said like 30 cuz she didn’t get me the ring that I told her to get. This morning, I have her the pamphlet and told her to get one of the two. I would have been happy with one of the two that I picked out for myself. Matter of fact, it took me a while to pick the right ring since I actually care about something that I am gonna wear for a long, long time. Well the rings I picked out were not really expensive since I like simplicity. So I asked her why what happened to the rest of the money. She said that she bought me a surprise ring.

I hate surprises. I hate surprises. Oh did I mention that I hate surprises. I understand life has its own share of surprises but even those I do my best to prepare for. Yeah, it sounds crazy and whatnot but it is what I do. I do my best to prepare for whatever is thrown at me but I still hate surprises. She knows this. I’ve repeated this many, many times.

So now I am on the verge of hyperventilating because … am I making the right choice here. I mean, it seems like something Jenn would do and I wanted to blow off my own head with her stupid surprises. I do not want to be surprised with a pink ring or something with hearts. I spent weeks to pick out the right ring for me and she just spit on that.

But I can’t bring this to her. She seems so happy about this surprise. That and it would just have us arguing. But my gawd I’m on the verge of breaking down here. I am terrorified that … maybe … I don’t know. Gawd, I need a smoke. I need to shot someone. I need … I’m stepping out. Later.

Working on Breaking Into The Gaming Scene

I am up at 4:40 in the morning because I went to sleep too early last night. L Regardless, being up so early has allowed me two things. One being privacy and the second being and easier hijacked internet access. During the day it gets sluggish to the point of not wanting to use it but now I see that the internet is a lot faster.

See, I’ve been trying to figure out what I should do with my returned PS3 and internet access from the neighbor ( and I nifty new red and black headset for the PS3 ) . I wanted to join an online faction of some sort but honestly, even I have to admit that my gaming ability is kinda rusty. So what I should be doing is sharpening my skills so I can at least compete.

However, I haven’t been able to push myself to play the more popular online games such as the Call of Duty series. Matter of fact, I’ve been more interested in the Rainbow Six Vegas 2 game that I got when I got my PS3 back. However, I have a lot to learn about squad play. Also, when I played online, not many people I actually played with had headsets so it was hard to communicate a functional plan. Regardless, I still have to work on the game itself. I am just on level two and I do see the “You’ve been killed” screen more times than I would like.

Slightly frustrating when you fail in things you actually like … which seems like a running theme in my life the past few weeks. A little discouraging if I do say so myself. But I am doing my best to manage and balance and stay above the shallow yet dangerous water of self-loathing.

But right now, I have to work on knocking off some of these games so I can delete the Game Data from the hard drive. I downloaded DC Universe Online a while back and Jasmine seemed to actually like it but with the slow internet, I felt deleting it would allow me to play the other games I have in my library. However, I am having second thoughts on that. It is an online game that allows you to create your own super hero/villain and complete missions. Some with other players. It would be a nice game to get used to being online since I, for some reason, cannot properly download PlayStation Home and I haven’t bought Sims 3 yet.

Bottom line is that I have to re-familiarize myself to the gaming scene before I jump to the online completive scene. Words from the infamous Disney cartoon Filmore, “Baby Steps, [Nicolas]! Baby steps.”

Jasmine’s Lack of Action

I love Jasmine with all my heart. I do! But there are things that stomps on my nerves.

I have learned to be a strong believer that actions speak volumes over the words that come out of the mouths of people. The vast majority of people can’t and don’t do what they say they are gonna do for one reason or another so I have learned not to believe it. Matter of fact, I have lent a friend of mine 20$ for something she seemed to really need so I sacrificed the 20$ I had so that she could. Now that was like 2 months ago. Still no return of the favor. Matter of fact, I haven’t heard from her in forever until yesterday where I remembered about her word. But like every other person, she had excuses. Saying that she was saving money to get herself an apartment ( which is everyone’s excuse for not returning money owed ).

So needless to say, I hate people who words don’t produce action. I work hard everyday to make sure that the things that I say I am going to do are done. I live by that code of ‘A MAN IS ONE WHO DOES WHAT HE SAYS TO THE BEST OF HIS ABILITY!’

Yet, Jasmine isn’t really capable of doing that without much reminder of her word. Matter of fact, she has a personal situation where her daughter, Tenia, is with her guardian without reasonable visitation guidelines for the past two years. Now, for weeks she hasn’t done much of anything concerning anyone to call or talk to or even looking for other avenues in trying to at least legally get to see Tenia. No actions to her constant, “I miss my daughter!”, “Why won’t that bitch let me see her?”, “This isn’t right!”. I understand that she doesn’t know what to do but … who does?! There are avenues to look into. I have told her about the Laurel Legal people who help low income families with such things. Even Children Youth Services help with visitation situations. But those are resources I have found. Hell, even her going to MidPen Legal for free legal advice was me pushing her to learn something rather than not doing a damn thing.

It is so frustrating. I mean, when parents say that they’ll do anything for their children, that should be carved in stone in their mind. Anyone who knows me knows that if I were in that situation that I would break open the heavens to make it happen for me. Even if it doesn’t get me directly there, it would put me in a better position today than yesterday.

I am not asking for perfection. I am not perfect by any measures. But DAMNIT! DO SOMETHING! Make that effort. Be exhausted by exhausting every option. Put the work in it. Put in the hours. Ask for help. Make shit happen. Hassel people. FUCK!

It just gets on my nerves that it is so hard to have her do even the small steps for whatever reason. Hell, it could be because she feels that the steps are too small or maybe she is scared or something. But dammit. It boils my blood and brings fire to my eyes when she doesn’t do what she should. That she just goes through her days and weeks putting so much effort in the mental missing her daughter to exhaustion without any sort of action. I mean, I shouldn’t have to go to Children Youth Services or MidPenn Legal or any lawyer to ask for advice or help with her situation. I understand help but what is she doing to my help? What is she doing towards her daughter? What is she DOING?!?! Her missing Tenia, her wishing she had her back doesn’t amount to action! Pure and simple.

I need to sit down. No one hears me.

The Reason for the Union

I was talking to Casey on Friday and she was concerned for the reason for the marriage. It is a reasonable concern. We met in the summer and are getting married at the end of February ( the 29th ). By anyone’s clock, that is a little quick to be tying the knot.

She asked me why I am doing it so quickly. I had to admit that with our baby coming in July, it seems to be the right thing to do. In addition, I do love Jasmine very much. I think anyone that sees me with her knows that I truly do.

However, her concerns were that I was marrying Jasmine because of the child coming. I cannot deny that that is one of the forerunning reasons why I feel that a marriage before the new arrival is necessary. I have seen a lot of families without that union and it seems to be unstable. Sure, some people can do that. Some people can drink gasoline without getting a tummy ache. Some people can handle fumes from paint and metallic or chlorine without passing out. Some people do not have a mental disability weighing them down. I happen to not be these people. I know a lot of people have babies and the guy tends to see that the grass was greener were he was and without the link, he simply jumps back. Jasmine’s daughter, Tenia, her dad realized that he couldn’t handle being a dad and split.

I do not want such an environment. I want to assure Jasmine that I have no intentions of making such a cowardice move. That this child not only deserves to come into a world knowing that he has a functioning and loving family but that he is the glue that keeps us together. He is what will make this union complete. This child that is the combination of both Jasmine and myself. I have high hopes for him. Even more for myself since I will be one of the greatest influences in the child’s life. But so will Jasmine. So why not join together under such circumstances?

Important Questions

Jasmine’s Question:
“How do you feel and react when you found out you had conceived a baby?”

Honestly, Jasmine woke me up in the middle of the night all excited, exclaiming that the pregnancy test was positive. I was still waking up. I was weighting out whether I was still sleeping or have I woken up yet. I cannot say I was numb. I cannot say that I was excited or scared or disappointed. I think, at the moment, I accepted it and ran through the primary scenarios of where this will take me and smiled.

I guess it is still something that blows my mind. I know that there is a huge responsibility here and it isn’t one that can be declined. So since I found out, I’ve made sure that every move make is towards the family my consequences created. I know it might sound like I feel that I am stuck with a burden or an unwanted / undesired situation but … see it from this angle. ‘FATE RARLY CALLS UPON US AT A MOMENT OF OUR CHOOSING’ This is a pure example of that. Obviously a chain of events have lead me on this road that I wasn’t really aware I was on. But I know I am on it now and I preparing as I go on this adventure with Jasmine.

My Own Question:
“How do I feel about being a father?”

I suppose the more and more that it settles in my mind, I feel more and more terrified. Everyone tells me that I would make a great father but how often do other’s expectations of me fall through? More times than I like honestly. So I try and try and try to make myself not just a guy who seems like a good dad.

I don’t remember having an actual father or an actual family but I was raised by many people. I have seen the best and the worse of different families. There are fathers and mothers who people say that they are raising their kids and family right but under the roof and behind the doors are hells and torment. Family members who dislike themselves and each other. Who struggle with the ideal of what it means to be a family. To truly raise a family as a responsibility and not just another toy to play with or something to do.

I see mothers who let their kid disappear for hours on end. I see fathers who curse their mother, the world, their life, their own freakin kids in front of their own friend kids. I see fathers who would rather spend time with other people MORE SO THAN their own family. I see parents who only want babies but when their babies grow they no longer want them and they get pregnant again to take care of another baby. Trust me when I have seen the worse of people. The way that they say, “I love my children and I’ll do anything for them” but they don’t just fall short of their own expectations but they never really seem to try.

I hate those kind of people. With all my heart, I do.

So I do not want to be those kinda people. I want to be the person that will easily sacrifice myself for my family. To put myself in the best position to be helpful to my family. To put my own family before my self AND THAT INCLUDES MY OWN FEARS AND FAILURES!

I look at my own short comings and I try to destroy them for the sake of my family. I have to be the best I can be to be the best for my family so my family can in turn be the best they can be as well. But with that I have to be careful too. I don’t want to push too hard. Sometimes the best of intentions and create hell on earth. Luckily I have Jasmine to help me to keep calm and to relax at times ( something that I tend to have problems with doing lol ).

Alright, so I can see why people would say that I would make a great dad. But as the saying goes ‘WORDS, PROMISES AND GOOD WISHES DO NOT AMOUNT TO ACTION!’ I shouldn’t lax in my pursuit in being the best father and husband to my family. A lot of hard work is in store for me and in such a small period of time. No room for error now. Gotta give it my all!

Prelude to The Cold Feet

I had a dream about … about the potential wedding Jasmine and I are going to have. Details are fuzzy. I remember seeing my biological parents there. Not settling. I wanted to hurt them. Attack them. Make them disappear. But instead, I simply tolerated their presence. I wanted them to not be heard and I went out of my way to not have them in my vision.

But that was the least of my worries at the wedding. It seemed to be a church because I remember pews and someone that resembles a priest. I vaguely remember other people being there. But I do remember that when the Priest reading his words and suddenly remembering that I didn’t buy the rings. No one did! And the sense of being broke was overwhelming. I was getting mad. Really mad.

I woke up with that self-failing, angry loathsome feeling that I have been waking up from. This is the first dream I can remember having. Most of the dreams disappear like mist, leaving only the overwhelming feels.
Is this what people refer to as cold feet? At least the dreams do not reflect my level of concern with Jasmine. I know that I want her. She accepts me. She doesn’t push me to do things I don’t want to like previous relationships. The only real downfall to Jasmine is her low level of concern for … well, a lot of things. She is so stressed and careless for some many things. Most people would say that is a bad cocktail mix.

That and I am not doing so hot myself. I seem to be … having psych-setbacks. Jasmine has been noticing and I have noticed it too. Like intrusion worse than before. I just need to get it together.