Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Prelude to The Cold Feet

I had a dream about … about the potential wedding Jasmine and I are going to have. Details are fuzzy. I remember seeing my biological parents there. Not settling. I wanted to hurt them. Attack them. Make them disappear. But instead, I simply tolerated their presence. I wanted them to not be heard and I went out of my way to not have them in my vision.

But that was the least of my worries at the wedding. It seemed to be a church because I remember pews and someone that resembles a priest. I vaguely remember other people being there. But I do remember that when the Priest reading his words and suddenly remembering that I didn’t buy the rings. No one did! And the sense of being broke was overwhelming. I was getting mad. Really mad.

I woke up with that self-failing, angry loathsome feeling that I have been waking up from. This is the first dream I can remember having. Most of the dreams disappear like mist, leaving only the overwhelming feels.
Is this what people refer to as cold feet? At least the dreams do not reflect my level of concern with Jasmine. I know that I want her. She accepts me. She doesn’t push me to do things I don’t want to like previous relationships. The only real downfall to Jasmine is her low level of concern for … well, a lot of things. She is so stressed and careless for some many things. Most people would say that is a bad cocktail mix.

That and I am not doing so hot myself. I seem to be … having psych-setbacks. Jasmine has been noticing and I have noticed it too. Like intrusion worse than before. I just need to get it together.