Monday, June 26, 2017

We'd Leave the Greater Suffer for the Few

Sue is starting to actually have dreams of LaFall alive rather than dead like that night of the car wreck in August 2012. She said that she had a dream last night where everyone was on some sort of vacation and they kept changing the rooms on her after everyone got settled. After the 5th move, she got frustrated and asked why they kept moving us. They ( or Chuck ) told her that there was something in the rooms and if she stayed there for too long then she would want to stay.

So Sue, in the dream, got everyone preoccupied and started to snoop around in the room and found a closest in which she and her kids had whenever they were younger. They would use to hid in the closest when they were younger .... and Sue thoughts she heard something in this closet that magically appear.

She opens the door and LaFall jumps up. Then she asks Sue to not leave her. Then Chuck comes in and starts to pull her away from this LaFall.

Sue told me this dream she had last night ... and she told me she would leave all of us to stay with her.

Chuck and Sue translate all of that into Sue not forgiving herself for the death of LaFall. I see it that Sue is one more step closer to seeing that death is the ultimate choice to be with LaFall.

I want to be made that she would leave all of us in a heartbeat for LaFall. 6-7 ( 3 hers and 3-4 dad's depending on if she can tolerate Lynnanne or not that day )s children. 1 Husband. Friends and Family. House. Home. Better life. But obviously all of that means nothing without LaFall.

But I cannot be that angry. I would slaughter all of them if I knew I could rewind time and get my family back. If I could get back Jasmine and Xavier. When we were a good family.

Because the 'alive dream' that Sue just got, I have had ever since July 27th of 2014. Every night ... save a few.

I hope some angel or demon never comes to both me and Sue with the same offer of sacrifice to get what we truly desire. We share that pain and hurt and carry it with us every day ... but it isn't the same ... and she'll never notice.

She barely notices the change now.

I Hate to Love Misti

When I first 'hired or employeed' Misti, it was to convince me to sleep. In hopes that the dreams/nightmares would go away. And it helped. But like most things that occur in private, things are personal. Sadly more so for me than her.

I didn't want a relationship but I wanted to know that ... I guess that whatever 'this' was kind of mattered. We bonded. Exchanged favors. Even introduced her to the family ( obviously had to ). And I wasn't looking for a relationship. Neither was she. I just .... wanted to matter to someone, ya know.

But I couldn't get that. She eventually admitted that she only got with me to sleep with me. A momentary lapse in judgement. This wasn't anything that she really wanted. But week after week she would return to help me sleep.

Until I realized that sleep wasn't worth the heart ache and the arguing and the constant disappointment to one day think that I mattered and then the next day she would say something that would prove that she didn't.

An eternal cycle of hell.

So I have been separating myself from her bit by bit. To save my ego and my emotions. If I make the choice, it is easier than her just disappearing. But Chuck and Sue do not understand, and they berate me for 'firing' her or treating her poorly in their presence. Something I only do in their presence to prevent suspicion of things getting more serious only to have them fail.

But lately, even marking today, I have found myself looking at FaceBook messenger, and hoping she replies with some sort of affection. Even something similar to actual friendship would be welcoming at this moment. But more and more we separate, and more and more I realize it isn't what I want ... and more and more I realize, I never get what I want.

I have gone as far as to archive her messages so I do not get reminded on how little our communications have gotten. But maybe I should do something more ... drastic. Perhaps I should block her. Keep her at a further distance as to not have reminders of my own failure ... my repeative failures ... again.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

I am the NoBody that gets Blamed for Everything

I hate living with people. Why? Because of my morale and personal ethic, I do a lot. I see something needs to be done, I tend to do it unless someone else can do it better or I am busy with something else.

However, in this household, Dad ( Chuck ) finds it comical to say that random things are my fault. He finds it funny. But it is funny at my expense. Hence why I find it annoying ... and another reason I hate living with people.

1 other person, very doable, especially when I pick them through a list of candidates. But not a bunch of people with so many different personalities, needs, wants and agendas.

So it is annoying that when something is done wrong and I am involved, not to hate the idea that I am involved in situation that I originally had nothing to do with. Some of that is my fault. The ones I volunteer myself for, completely my fault. The ones that I am recruited to handle, I get pissed when it is only given to me because no one else wants the responsibility. And that includes the person that it is centered around.

Case in point, Josh had work today. Dad asked me about his work schedule. Honestly, I couldn't remember cleanly ( or quickly enough for dad ) to be confident about his answer. Also, since I was in the middle of something else, I am sure that he would have wanted me to go to Josh ( who sleeps until his clock in time ) and ask him, which I hate doing because Josh in the morning makes me want to throw him into the Pit.

Well, luckily for me today, Dad went to ask him and found out that there was a conflict in the schedule. So he recruited me to find Josh a ride ... to his work ... which is about 8 - 10 blocks away. But I went through the assets I have but I do not have any last minute assets set up. Most I ask a few days a head of time. So most of them were either at work already or to have them drive all the way here just to drive Josh 8 - 10 blocks ( and no gas money mind you ) would not only be foolish but also a waste of time.

I ended up asking CJ to find someone. He said that Brandon's friend could do it but we didn't know that until dad had to drive back and pick up Josh for work. CJ even came back to drop off Sadie's fucking dog but couldn't send a text message or leave a note about Brandon being able to do the 10 block drive.

Yet, I get grilled and hassled about knowing and not knowing and getting information wrong and shit. Oh gawd, when they talk like that in front of me ( or even behind my back and I overheard ) I swear I'd burn them all alive if Protocol S wasn't in place.

I am just getting tired of dealing with people ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And I hate even more that I have to deal with other people's bullshit and crap.

And Mom ( Sue ) always asks me why I want to move out?!

I barely own the area I sleep in. And it is annoying. Simon says that they are gonna want everything that they ever gave me back. Saying that they only let me use it. But honestly, I am getting to the point where that will be ok with me.Very few things are keeping me here.

Like L ... and the promise I made to her after what happened.
And Nakoma ... damn imprint

Monday, June 12, 2017

Birthday that They Don't Believe

Today is my birthday. MY own birthday! Something that a lot of TOWians seem not to be able to get when it comes to seeing my identification papers. At least the ones I am suppose to allow anyone to see.
It was a day I honestly forgot about in Haven and because of the time and space difference, I am not even sure how accurate it is. It is the closest U.S. could get to,an exact approximation of it.

And coincidentally, it was also the date of the start of my introduction and imitation into U.S. and the NJS Project.

The date didn't mean too much to me until I meant Jasmine. Her birthday is 6 days after mine. Xavier's birthday is 6 days after that! Honestly, to me, it all felt and seemed destined. And I never believed in fate and destiny ... until them.

Until both of them. They made me into a believer. They gave me a reason to celebrate the survival of another cycle of this hellish existence here on this other world.
Now with them gone, it is a constant reminder of my failure to MY family. MY birth month is a reminder of MY failure to MY family.

And the Myers' clan help no better. Half of them wouldn't or couldn't care less and the other half thinks I am lying because my identification papers ( that survived ) say different. Even though mostly everything else on them are wrong too.

It hurts that Sue made it seemed that even though I have told her respectively, that my birthday that I celebrate is on the 12th of June, I feel she'll try to celebrate the date of The Lost Original.
That disappoints me. But Simon says that TOWians are experts at disappointment ... and with each passing day / week / month / year ... THEY never really cease to prove him wrong

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Car Accident

Last night was a long night. Since dad didn't like doing Board Ops, I worked board op for like 5 hours because of weather delay and didn't leave the station until 1 in the morning. Immediately leaving the building, I got the car in a ditch. :(
How you may ask?

Dad says not to tell mom it was from lack of sleep. I'll let him believe it was. I tried trekking my assistant that I saw something but she has been more and more difficult to communicate with.
But honestly, I'm not sure. Before, while in the office, I was dealing with Haven crossovers so that might have something to do with it.

But who can I even tell that to m not the PUs. They'll over react or not understand. Both my therapist are MIA for a week.

Regardless, even though Zach was hard to get a hold of, I was able to with dad's help since he knew their house number. Zach and Uncle Larry pulled the car out of the ditch and I was able to drive home after an hour.

When I came home, I got bitched at because dad didn't have insurance on the car yet because he was slacking on it. I just ended the conversation early to go to bed.

I wasn't planning in going anywhere today but dad needed someone to drive him to state college, even though I cancelled going to skills so I can have a moment to myself.

Gawd, I know I can say no but I said No 3 times yesterday and 1 time prior to that and I believe one this morning before I realized he wasn't going to let me rest about it.

I'm starting to really hate everything here.

I'm losing almost every and all reason to be here.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Suffering Quietly

I doubt they see how I suffer. They think they know but they don't how exactly often when I'm around them that I wish to just not be around. They have no idea how being around them simply makes me miss the family I had.

My wife
My son

The house we had.
The fun we shared.
The love that we grew.

Sitting with them, these people who I have adopted, to attempt to fill in the hole Jasmine created ... their actions and behavior only adds more salt into the gaping wound that was created when my family left me.

But honestly, I hope they never know how much I love them but that being with them kills me. Seeing Sue and Chuck together. To see Nakoma as a child. To struggle with the relationships of my brothers and to see them succeed and struggle with their significant others and their relations.

This constant reminder of a life that isn't mine. That I didn't help create. That'll never be Jasmine and Xavier. They'll never by my family.

And the worse thing is that I'll never have anything like them ever again.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Deserving of the Title

I have very few people under the "friends" category that I actually consider friends ... as you can see from my last post. But there are those that have earned the Title. Those that I know will raise me up when I need it ( especially when they are not aware that I need their strength the most )
Brandi has been the secret love of my life since Jasmine separated from me. She has been not only supportive but loving and always  uplifting. She is truly the best friend I could ever ask for. Ever. Of all time.
Katherine ( Kay ) reminds me very much of my friend from Haven and it almost brought me to tears the more she talked about herself and I realized how closely this new person is like my oldest and best friend from a place that is Haven. Jackie and Kay share horrible stigmatas in life, both hold a huge heart an  hope and faith in humanity that I have given up on so many times before. Kay is the embodiment of someone who I cannot see for a while, but having Kay has a friend fills me with awe and wonder. Maybe something is reminding me that thus world still has good people in it ... good people in my life ... That transcend even dimensions.
Zach is my adopted cousin. He is strong, both in strength and in his heart. Sometimes he is hard to get a hold of but he is that guy to get a hold of if you Wang something done. He is like me but not quite. And that is how people would say about my friend Tye. Another friend from Haven. I never would have believed in some sort of cosmic plan ... by  to have my 2 best friends from another world come into this plain of existence. Something has my ... our development in mind.
Paris (Vincent ) has survived through generations. But he was mainly associates to Theodore the Loser. However, his consult, advice, foresight and ambition has made him invaluable to United Separation and especially my own journey in TOW. He was knowledge of what was going on, even before Theodore himself was aware. I hope to allow him to be the GodFather of the LEGACY. No-one else  any world deserves the Title more so than him.
In my darkest of nights and the strictest of struggles, I must remember that besides Me, Myself and I, that I do have these 4 TOWians. These people I trust with my own development and care of affairs of United Separation ... and more so ... myself

Why I Am Selective

I do not choose people easily to be close to me. Maybe because people are truly unreliable at their core. And what I mean by people, I mean mainly TOWians. Michael got me to trust these people but more and more Simon's thought of these people are truer than anything else.

Misti, my assistant ... well now my ex-assistant, told something to the Queen of the Household that I told Misti in confidence. She told her something that Simon said I shouldn't have shared with her to begin with.

She shared the fact that Jasmine messaged me. Granted, I didn't reply because of the PFA, but her communication has significance. Both negative and positive.

She had no right to tell the Queen that information. Especially with our recent conversation of friendship. She wondered why I kept people at such a distance. And now she has pointed out on why.

She made a move that concerted her demotion and personally decline to me. Sadly, I feel I have lost an asset. However, if she is willing to break that level of confidence, I cannot even consider her a friend.

Same with Jennifer. She asked me to come and visit / help and she brought other people around and keeps trying to get me to explore Clearfield and even had someone over. Some one I never met or know her associates.

Keeping me in an unsafe and uncomfortable environment.

And this is why I choose to be alone over anything else