My agner right now it so high. I mean so high.
Misit came over ... what? On Wednesday. I was excited but it was odd. She felt distant. Like ... Idk, like she didn't want to really ... I don't know how to explain it. Be close I guess. Just that she was trying to keep her distance from me. I guess I was overly happy to just have her back for the moment that I didn't think too much about it.
But last night, we argued about the fact that she never really help me talk through anything. She just ... bitches at me and when I try, she ignores me by being on her phone o r she changes the topic. She got mad, then silent ... and then changed the topic.
I then said I was going to bed and she said that she wasn't tired. Figuring that she would come to bed shortly, I went to bed and fell asleep. When I woke up 6 hours later, she hasn't come to be. She was still at the fpot of the bed with her phone and her back to me.
And that was it. I realized that I couldn't do this anymore. I ... I had flashbacks of Jasmine not coming to bed. ON her phone or in the living room on YouTube or whatever she was 'really' doing. Flashback of Vincent telling me about Theo and what happened when he brought Lori to his place years ago ( in the middle of the night, she left to go and see someone else ).
It was then that I realized that I didn't want to be the fool anymore. That I am not going to spend energy on something or someone that doesn't care. WHo would rather be on their It is upsetting, and I am sure that the PU are going to bitch, but I honestly do not want her around me anymore. She ... she is tainted. And it hurts just to see her right now. At elast I feel better that she is leaving in a few hurs. I'll just not invite her. I am sure if she was up all night doing gawd knows what, she'll be ok not having to come back.
Friday, June 30, 2017
My agner right now it so high. I mean so high.
Monday, June 26, 2017
So Sue, in the dream, got everyone preoccupied and started to snoop around in the room and found a closest in which she and her kids had whenever they were younger. They would use to hid in the closest when they were younger .... and Sue thoughts she heard something in this closet that magically appear.
She opens the door and LaFall jumps up. Then she asks Sue to not leave her. Then Chuck comes in and starts to pull her away from this LaFall.
Sue told me this dream she had last night ... and she told me she would leave all of us to stay with her.
Chuck and Sue translate all of that into Sue not forgiving herself for the death of LaFall. I see it that Sue is one more step closer to seeing that death is the ultimate choice to be with LaFall.
I want to be made that she would leave all of us in a heartbeat for LaFall. 6-7 ( 3 hers and 3-4 dad's depending on if she can tolerate Lynnanne or not that day )s children. 1 Husband. Friends and Family. House. Home. Better life. But obviously all of that means nothing without LaFall.
But I cannot be that angry. I would slaughter all of them if I knew I could rewind time and get my family back. If I could get back Jasmine and Xavier. When we were a good family.
Because the 'alive dream' that Sue just got, I have had ever since July 27th of 2014. Every night ... save a few.
I hope some angel or demon never comes to both me and Sue with the same offer of sacrifice to get what we truly desire. We share that pain and hurt and carry it with us every day ... but it isn't the same ... and she'll never notice.
She barely notices the change now.
I didn't want a relationship but I wanted to know that ... I guess that whatever 'this' was kind of mattered. We bonded. Exchanged favors. Even introduced her to the family ( obviously had to ). And I wasn't looking for a relationship. Neither was she. I just .... wanted to matter to someone, ya know.
But I couldn't get that. She eventually admitted that she only got with me to sleep with me. A momentary lapse in judgement. This wasn't anything that she really wanted. But week after week she would return to help me sleep.
Until I realized that sleep wasn't worth the heart ache and the arguing and the constant disappointment to one day think that I mattered and then the next day she would say something that would prove that she didn't.
An eternal cycle of hell.
So I have been separating myself from her bit by bit. To save my ego and my emotions. If I make the choice, it is easier than her just disappearing. But Chuck and Sue do not understand, and they berate me for 'firing' her or treating her poorly in their presence. Something I only do in their presence to prevent suspicion of things getting more serious only to have them fail.
But lately, even marking today, I have found myself looking at FaceBook messenger, and hoping she replies with some sort of affection. Even something similar to actual friendship would be welcoming at this moment. But more and more we separate, and more and more I realize it isn't what I want ... and more and more I realize, I never get what I want.
I have gone as far as to archive her messages so I do not get reminded on how little our communications have gotten. But maybe I should do something more ... drastic. Perhaps I should block her. Keep her at a further distance as to not have reminders of my own failure ... my repeative failures ... again.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
However, in this household, Dad ( Chuck ) finds it comical to say that random things are my fault. He finds it funny. But it is funny at my expense. Hence why I find it annoying ... and another reason I hate living with people.
1 other person, very doable, especially when I pick them through a list of candidates. But not a bunch of people with so many different personalities, needs, wants and agendas.
So it is annoying that when something is done wrong and I am involved, not to hate the idea that I am involved in situation that I originally had nothing to do with. Some of that is my fault. The ones I volunteer myself for, completely my fault. The ones that I am recruited to handle, I get pissed when it is only given to me because no one else wants the responsibility. And that includes the person that it is centered around.
Case in point, Josh had work today. Dad asked me about his work schedule. Honestly, I couldn't remember cleanly ( or quickly enough for dad ) to be confident about his answer. Also, since I was in the middle of something else, I am sure that he would have wanted me to go to Josh ( who sleeps until his clock in time ) and ask him, which I hate doing because Josh in the morning makes me want to throw him into the Pit.
Well, luckily for me today, Dad went to ask him and found out that there was a conflict in the schedule. So he recruited me to find Josh a ride ... to his work ... which is about 8 - 10 blocks away. But I went through the assets I have but I do not have any last minute assets set up. Most I ask a few days a head of time. So most of them were either at work already or to have them drive all the way here just to drive Josh 8 - 10 blocks ( and no gas money mind you ) would not only be foolish but also a waste of time.
I ended up asking CJ to find someone. He said that Brandon's friend could do it but we didn't know that until dad had to drive back and pick up Josh for work. CJ even came back to drop off Sadie's fucking dog but couldn't send a text message or leave a note about Brandon being able to do the 10 block drive.
Yet, I get grilled and hassled about knowing and not knowing and getting information wrong and shit. Oh gawd, when they talk like that in front of me ( or even behind my back and I overheard ) I swear I'd burn them all alive if Protocol S wasn't in place.
I am just getting tired of dealing with people ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And I hate even more that I have to deal with other people's bullshit and crap.
And Mom ( Sue ) always asks me why I want to move out?!
I barely own the area I sleep in. And it is annoying. Simon says that they are gonna want everything that they ever gave me back. Saying that they only let me use it. But honestly, I am getting to the point where that will be ok with me.Very few things are keeping me here.
Like L ... and the promise I made to her after what happened.
And Nakoma ... damn imprint
Monday, June 12, 2017
And coincidentally, it was also the date of the start of my introduction and imitation into U.S. and the NJS Project.
The date didn't mean too much to me until I meant Jasmine. Her birthday is 6 days after mine. Xavier's birthday is 6 days after that! Honestly, to me, it all felt and seemed destined. And I never believed in fate and destiny ... until them.
Until both of them. They made me into a believer. They gave me a reason to celebrate the survival of another cycle of this hellish existence here on this other world.
And the Myers' clan help no better. Half of them wouldn't or couldn't care less and the other half thinks I am lying because my identification papers ( that survived ) say different. Even though mostly everything else on them are wrong too.
It hurts that Sue made it seemed that even though I have told her respectively, that my birthday that I celebrate is on the 12th of June, I feel she'll try to celebrate the date of The Lost Original.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Dad says not to tell mom it was from lack of sleep. I'll let him believe it was. I tried trekking my assistant that I saw something but she has been more and more difficult to communicate with.
But who can I even tell that to m not the PUs. They'll over react or not understand. Both my therapist are MIA for a week.
Regardless, even though Zach was hard to get a hold of, I was able to with dad's help since he knew their house number. Zach and Uncle Larry pulled the car out of the ditch and I was able to drive home after an hour.
When I came home, I got bitched at because dad didn't have insurance on the car yet because he was slacking on it. I just ended the conversation early to go to bed.
I wasn't planning in going anywhere today but dad needed someone to drive him to state college, even though I cancelled going to skills so I can have a moment to myself.
Gawd, I know I can say no but I said No 3 times yesterday and 1 time prior to that and I believe one this morning before I realized he wasn't going to let me rest about it.
I'm starting to really hate everything here.
I'm losing almost every and all reason to be here.
Sunday, June 4, 2017
I doubt they see how I suffer. They think they know but they don't how exactly often when I'm around them that I wish to just not be around. They have no idea how being around them simply makes me miss the family I had.
The house we had.
The fun we shared.
The love that we grew.
Sitting with them, these people who I have adopted, to attempt to fill in the hole Jasmine created ... their actions and behavior only adds more salt into the gaping wound that was created when my family left me.
But honestly, I hope they never know how much I love them but that being with them kills me. Seeing Sue and Chuck together. To see Nakoma as a child. To struggle with the relationships of my brothers and to see them succeed and struggle with their significant others and their relations.
This constant reminder of a life that isn't mine. That I didn't help create. That'll never be Jasmine and Xavier. They'll never by my family.
And the worse thing is that I'll never have anything like them ever again.
Friday, June 2, 2017
I do not choose people easily to be close to me. Maybe because people are truly unreliable at their core. And what I mean by people, I mean mainly TOWians. Michael got me to trust these people but more and more Simon's thought of these people are truer than anything else.
Misti, my assistant ... well now my ex-assistant, told something to the Queen of the Household that I told Misti in confidence. She told her something that Simon said I shouldn't have shared with her to begin with.
She shared the fact that Jasmine messaged me. Granted, I didn't reply because of the PFA, but her communication has significance. Both negative and positive.
She had no right to tell the Queen that information. Especially with our recent conversation of friendship. She wondered why I kept people at such a distance. And now she has pointed out on why.
She made a move that concerted her demotion and personally decline to me. Sadly, I feel I have lost an asset. However, if she is willing to break that level of confidence, I cannot even consider her a friend.
Same with Jennifer. She asked me to come and visit / help and she brought other people around and keeps trying to get me to explore Clearfield and even had someone over. Some one I never met or know her associates.
Keeping me in an unsafe and uncomfortable environment.
And this is why I choose to be alone over anything else