Monday, June 26, 2017

I Hate to Love Misti

When I first 'hired or employeed' Misti, it was to convince me to sleep. In hopes that the dreams/nightmares would go away. And it helped. But like most things that occur in private, things are personal. Sadly more so for me than her.

I didn't want a relationship but I wanted to know that ... I guess that whatever 'this' was kind of mattered. We bonded. Exchanged favors. Even introduced her to the family ( obviously had to ). And I wasn't looking for a relationship. Neither was she. I just .... wanted to matter to someone, ya know.

But I couldn't get that. She eventually admitted that she only got with me to sleep with me. A momentary lapse in judgement. This wasn't anything that she really wanted. But week after week she would return to help me sleep.

Until I realized that sleep wasn't worth the heart ache and the arguing and the constant disappointment to one day think that I mattered and then the next day she would say something that would prove that she didn't.

An eternal cycle of hell.

So I have been separating myself from her bit by bit. To save my ego and my emotions. If I make the choice, it is easier than her just disappearing. But Chuck and Sue do not understand, and they berate me for 'firing' her or treating her poorly in their presence. Something I only do in their presence to prevent suspicion of things getting more serious only to have them fail.

But lately, even marking today, I have found myself looking at FaceBook messenger, and hoping she replies with some sort of affection. Even something similar to actual friendship would be welcoming at this moment. But more and more we separate, and more and more I realize it isn't what I want ... and more and more I realize, I never get what I want.

I have gone as far as to archive her messages so I do not get reminded on how little our communications have gotten. But maybe I should do something more ... drastic. Perhaps I should block her. Keep her at a further distance as to not have reminders of my own failure ... my repeative failures ... again.