Sunday, September 13, 2015

The Struggle Contines

So I have spoken of the girl that I liked, Shiane, right? Well, I wrote her a message saying that I miss her and that I hope that she is having fun at college. I said that I look forward to her continuing contact after 1-2 weeks of radio silence and that I know that she is gonna meet a lot of friends in college but that I hope she doesn't forget that she loves me and everything.

Her response is this:

Hi! ^///^ I am thinking of you and this was the nicest thing ever sent to me. ^-^ it is eventful and no I don't have a boyfriend, although I will say I have met someone I wish would let me get  closer to, but all well. ^-^ I miss and love you too.

James says that that screams "Friend-Zone" Love like a blowhorn, so ... yea, another rejection of something that I tried really hard to succeed in. Maybe this woman thing isn't for me.

Yet, James got two women revealing that they have secretly always liked me ... us ... complicated but yeah. James is like a Cj in the sense that he always gets the ladies and when James gets the ladies then he tends to lead them in my direction. Probably why they never seem to work out much for me, since I don't get them myself. But it isn't like I have much of anyone knocking down my door to get to me. I have mentioned a few that have turned me down but trust me when I saw that there is a lot more than just those that I have mention. Like: Dawn and Natasha and Jess and Samantha just to name a few. I think that Ashley is on the fence but to tell you the truth I wasn't the interested in moving that forward more than just a friendship. Is that how all the other girls feel about me? Then how does James ... nevermind.

Anyways, the two women that recently told of their secret interest in me are:

Chantell and Marsha

Marsha isn't exactly my type. James tried to "tap" that but she turned him down the same reason Dawn did ... we both are black and they have had bad experience with black guys. But now she is separating from her husband and I guess is spreading out her options. She is currently fucking around with this Jordan guy but I am not worried about it. My head isn't in that one.

Chantell though is a different story. Kind of a hood rat but still ... idk ... I really don't remember much of her other than there was a great interest in her. She is pretty ... at least to me she is. And she has a mind of her own which is a great quality to have in a woman in my honest opinion. We ( actually me and her ) talked yesterday and we really connected. She confessed that she thought highly of me ( my own qualities ... not getting it confused with James' ) and I confessed my interest in her ( even though I think that she knows that she already knew from back then ). We talked about relationship guidelines ( yea not only am i that kinda guy but she is that kinda girl ) and all but we didn't declare anything. I rather have something like that said at least once so I am not thinking something that isn't.

I don't know though. James suggests that I spread my eggs in more than one basket but I do see the danger in that. It isn't like I am running a biological clock. I just hate being alone at the time. And yet I am not being completely up front about everything about me: like the jail thing and the MH disorders. Not exactly the best thing to put forward.

I don't know. Should I even be doing this?

Today I caught myself searching for Jasmine again. Looking and loving Xavier's pictures and hoping to see a glimpse of Jasmine that wasn't so ... extreme.


And then I was silly enough to try to look into the profiles of the biological mother and that upset me a little. A mixture of past unknown anger and ... guilt maybe? IDK. Stupid moves, really. I need ot leave things in the past. I should drop all these past people and disappear again.

I'll probably do that whenever I get enough money to run.

"Run you clever little boy, run!" - Clara Oswin Oswald - Doctor Who

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Sibling Status - CJ

I don't know what I am feeling today. Today I am feeling ... angry. I have to stop feeling angry because being emotional is what got me sent to jail this time around. This feeling and the thinking that comes afterwards.

Today, CJ ( my brother from the 4th adopted family ) likes fucking with me. Mostly because the last time we wrestled I didn't end up on top before we had to stop. It angers me that I lost and I want to fight him again. But I don't want to ... I fight dirty whenever I feel I need to win. Because even though winning isn't everything ... it is the only thing to matters? Why?

Losing meaning future teasing because I believe that CJ is a bully at heart. Not a major bully. I low level one. A bully that people like. Not a bully that beats up the small guy but a guy that fucks with people mostly because he can. That's a bully, right? "Low level" is the term that the Professor uses.

Now don't get me wrong, he is still my brother and I still love him like I love all ( most ) of my families members that I have ever lived with. I just see him ... no maybe I am confused again. I get confused with this "normal" living. I feel like a TOW verteran trying to intergrate himself back into society without taking out personal targets as his own personal militiant.

No, I have to realize that that my experience doesn't neccesarily count as experience here. My past trauma ( aside from the one experienced with Jasmine ) won't be considered as relevant. So I have to get over it.

So all in all, I have to not get into a fight with CJ or anyone else ... even though it would make me feel good but it would make the situation that I live with more difficult. Okay let's say that I lose to CJ then it just gets worse but if I "win" then I'll be seen as a threat and danger rather than the nice, gullible, weak guy that they think I am. God, this sucks. I have to either find a way to be assertive without seeming like a push over bitch or I sit in the status of being a push over bitch.

God, today is not a good day is it ...