Sunday, February 28, 2016

Shouldn't Miss You

So this weekend just ... feels more stressful than it should. So much more stressful than it should. Like nothing has happened that has me specifically stressed. Yea, yesterday was kind of hectic with the all day radio station handling the high school wrestling matches. Even the boys are all gone so I have an Xbox to myself so I played the shit outta the Destiny Demo for my other brothers.

Then .... BOOM! Thoughts of missing someone who I haven't thought about in a long while but saw on my phone almost daily ....

Just out of the blue. And then I went through the pictures I still had on my on my phone of her and I remember the feelings I have got her came rushing back full force.

Maybe this is just me being upset that this weekend I was suppose to send with Jenn D but she disappeared and won't reply to my txt messages or anything.

This is the second month of the year of my New Year's Resolution and even though I haven't put these girls before me, I am still going through them. Hell, I'm even repeating. Both Jenn D and Shiane were on the list of women who walked off.

These people don't deserve me. I'm a hard worker. I actually try to be compassion and loving and understanding. And yet I'm passed up for douche bags and assholes?! Maybe everyone is suing something that I'm not.

This is seriously sad. That's probably why I'm in such a shitty mood. ;(

Tonight, I think I'm gonna force myself to work again. I need my head on straight.

Maybe I do need my meds ...

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Reaching The Limit

I handle and put up with a lot. Granted, I know that technically everyone does in one way or another but I know I put myself through a lot.

Mainly in the last few years, I put myself through shit because I want to punish myself. For example ....The smoking is because I hope it kills me sooner than later ( at least that is what Spencer says ).

But there are other things that I do, not just to punish myself or to push aside certain thoughts or problems, but also out of love.

When Lynnanne kicked us out if her home, Dad ( Chuck, her dad ) picked us up. Mom ( Sue, Chuck's new wife ) agreed to take us in,  even knowing that James is a sex-crazed teenager and that Spencer is a woman hating know it all. All in all, they allowed a tornado into their home by welcoming us in.

So from day one, I forced myself to do choirs and be as helpful as I can be. Dad said that living with them would include financial responsibility but whenever Mom gets her settlement that they world help me out. Help me advance in my life. Help me potentially get a car. Even help me get my son back.

The Committee ( mainly because of my persuasion and the desperation of the situation ) agreed that helping them would be considered an investment. And it would also give us a better avenue to operate from rather than State College with Lynnanne.

I pushed myself to operates without the T.O.W. medication to better operate in T.O.W. I did everything from taking out the dogs and trash and doing laundry and cleaning dishes and the grocery and smoke runs  and fetching clothes and trash and items from around the house and the cleaning in a household of 6 people before we were introduced into it. It was tough for a lot of people. Reminded a few of us of the foster /group homes and orphanages we were all shuffled through.

I even helped dad with his actual job, calling it an internship myself but in reality it is free labor. At first the trip to Renovo was a paid gig, until Josh wrecked the family car and we had to use the company car just to get around ... in which to pay for it, my pay was paid directly back into the company as payment for using the company car as a personal car.

And because we got the company car because Josh wrecked the family car, Dad doesn't want to drive the company car in fear that he would get in trouble driving it ( for other reasons ), I end up being the personal chauffeur since the boss, Michael, trusts me so well with the car since I am such a perfect driver ( no accidents, warnings or pull overs ).

Not only work for both Mom ( at home ) and Dad ( on site ), I also am driving around the boys ( mainly Bobby and CJ ) who constantly want rides to places here and there. Sometimes to questionable places or just pick up late at night.

Not only that, as time progresses, I feel .. angrier. More upset. So many people under one roof is a lot to handle mainly because my brothers wants to interact with the people who live here ( even if some of them deny it ). But it is so much to really handle at times.

But there is no room or sanctuary for us to go to. Even the bathroom is not an option because ... well, try sharing one bathroom with so many people.

And lately, I've been frustrated with the amount of work that I do because I feel I don't get much of anything in return ... and I'm not talking about payment. I'm, more or less, referring to respect, appreciation acknowledgement or even ... idk.

Like, one day, Dad was ranting and raving about someone else complaining in how public school text books referred to slaves in the Slave-Trade as workers when the person complaining believed they should be referred to as slaves instead of workers. 

I was pointing out that close enough to a definition isn't correct. Call something what it is because changing of the terminology is changed everything else. Dad was saying that they worked. I replied that workers get paid and could choose to quit at anytime. Slaves could quit but it was a lot more of a permanent termination.

I asked dad to define my free work for dad's actual company and the company he works for and the extra work I do around the house. Then he made a comment that he refers to me as a slave and that killed me a little. But I had to smile and chuckle because he could have been joking or something. Or, hell, I could have heard wrong ... but I don't think I did.

I just feel so ... crappy lately.

And tonight, Dad had to head into the office because everyone else who was suppose to be there was sick so we all went with him. Mom wanted to go shopping and James wanted to help her look for bras and honestly, I wanted to check out some airsoft weapons and accessories and such and Josh mentioned that he wanted to go to Barnes & Nobles so Michael was all about that.

So James got to go shopping with Mom and I got to check out some guns that I want to get at the Wal-Mart near Dad's work. Tobias saw a game that he said that we could play together. Something called - Destiny. Michael loved the name and Tobias said we could play together and maybe that we all could make a character and play and stuff. I didn't know much about it but from what I saw, I doubt that Spencer would want something like that as part of my regular regimen but Dad has been trying to tell me to start doing stuff just for fun ... and it has been a long while since we all had a good adventure. It might be worth a group play with US brothers.

But the price tag was 60$. I told Tobias that it was too much but he asked and begged Mom anyways. And with Tobias came Michael asking and begging. I opened up my GameStop app to check to see if GameStop had it at a cheaper pricetag. I found a cheaper pre-owned version without all the DLC for 10$.

By now, we moved on to the next store - Barnes & Nobles. Michael's 3rd favorite store to go to - says him, but he's senile and can't keep track of the numbers.

In B&N, he was like a kid again. Looking from manga to comics ( since he can't really read ) with wide youthful eyes. He recognized a few things that he thought I would like. They were very similar to the simulations Spencer makes me do to guage my problem solving and critical thinking capabilities as well as reflexes 

Monday, February 22, 2016

Running Trend ...

Alright, this is another girl post. I suppose that it is women that tend to bother me enough to post about.

Well, anyways, Candi hasn't sent anything or replied to my messages in over 2 weeks. I would have been mad if it hasn't been like 5 no shows ( i have yet to see her ) and scarce phone calls ( 1-2 total ) and limited text messages in the 4-5 months of our psudeo relationship. The last time we talked was probably the end of last month, and I stopped trying to be excited or hopeful about seeing her. I was waiting to be surprised but more of the same continued so I continued on doing me.

In between, I haven't really been trying to find anyone in particular but I did try to maintain friendships and what not ( like in The Sims ). Not exactly flirting but still making advances where it seemed to fit.

Most of the women I mentioned in my New Year Resolution post I have taken a big step from. Ignoring messages and forgetting phone numbers. But, loneliness sets in sometimes.

It did for Jen. We started talking again. Like daily. It bothered me that she was still married and everything because of how closely related it was too my own relationship with my wife but it was different enough from her point of view. She says that it was him who stopped caring and who was pushing her away and making her life miserable.

I believed I wanted to rescue her from an uncaring environment and give her something more. Give myself something more. The ideas that a monster like me could be loved.

I admit, I started trying after the night where I opened up to her. I started to hope.

We made plans to hang out for Valentine's Weekend. However, last minute she got 'sick' ( even though she went back to work that weekend after calling off ) and we changed our plans.  Rather than dinner and movie stuff that we were going to do, we would just get a hotel room for two weekends after. Just us, talking, learning, being together ... testing out the waters.

Well, last weekend, she just disappeared. Stopped texting, no calls, even her Facebook was gone ! I figured something was done wrong or she found out something about me that drove her away. At first, I tried to ignore the pain of rejection and started to just go back to the grind. Worked twice as hard on house work and my "internship".

Several days and a breakdown later she messages me out of the blue. No intro and no real detailed explanation. Just that she had a breakdown cuz her husband stated to realize that he was going to be an ex-husband and he made everything harder on her.

Memory guilt slides the mental knife deeper into my soul ... but what would it matter if I am finally loved at the end, right?

I confront her about her talking to me if she really cared. If she was going through something, she didn't have to go along with it alone. I wanted to be there for her but that I wasn't going to have a repeat of Candi. I simply wasn't. She said that she would try harder to be better for both of us.

I told her that I'd see her in a few days since I'd be in the area and I'd pick her up for work. So I did. We talked a little but I could tell that something was not right. She seemed scared and distracted and just distant. I tried to tell her that I wanted to help. She was physically fine but emotional and mental abuse was a possibility ... Jasmine claimed I did the same thing but I never did. I always raised her up. Always tried to support her. Maybe she said it to others to gain people on her side.

Anyways, I tired to convince her that I was on her side. Wanted to be involved in what was going on. She said she wanted to run away and I told her that we would. I didn't want to be in this area. The memories killed me here and she agreed she had memories to run from too. We started to connect but she had to go to work.

I tried to hold her hand, hug her, kiss her ... but she wasn't "feeling" it. So I dropped her off and went on with my job of that day.

Came back to check up on her later and her demeanor completely changed. She was happier. Actually smiling which was not what she was doing before at all. I wanted to hug her in congratulating her change of mood but she was actually working with customers and gfs station related things. I tried waiting because ... well, I just wanted to have a few moments. Take a picture or something but people kept coming in and I had no idea if any particular person would tell her husband and cause her more trouble so I just got gas and left. She bought me two packs of smokes though. 

We talked for a days but once again, she has stopped replying to my text and messages. This weekend was suppose to be the Hotel Weekend. But I can't do this? Well, not this way.

I'd help if she asked. I'd stay if she showed she wanted me to. But without knowing, without the communication, I could be wasting my time and lately the committee has been on my case about T.O.W. people wasting our time and resources.

So last night, I sent her a text. A text that said that I cared tremendously but I was not going to have a repeat of Candi  ( or Jasmine for that matter ). If she cared then she'll make the effort but I'm not going be the only one trying. I'm not gonna be a side dude to someone I want to make my main focus. So I told her to take care of herself.

If she wants me she'll find me and make the effort. She'll come back.

But my breath is too valuable to me to waste on holding it. That I've at least learned

Friday, February 19, 2016

Revisiting the Haunted House

James suggested that I find someone like what Kayla was for a while. Someone to help release "stress". Normally, I would just work out out something in my own room but I don't have a room. I jump from bed to bed at home.

Luckily, James knew the best candidate. An old ex girlfriend who we constantly fight with but after our fights the make up sex made it ... tolerable. Until it didn't.

Her name is Jen G ( different Jen from Jen D ). She is living with an ex boy friend of James' old friend. However James's friend went back to jail for attempting suicide because he did not pay his fines and his boyfriend simply moved on to dude after dude after dude.

Anyways Jen G and I have been making this a semi regular stress reliever kinda thing. The first time I went to her place though I noticed writing on the wall. It was the name of an ex my brother Danny used to see. A Britt A. G. It was all over Jen's room and she hated it. She couldn't wait until she got the paint to paint over it. I thought it must be torturous with what the name meant because after our first try at a relationship, it was Britt that caused the initial rift.

But I had to admit that it helped. The stress reliever I mean. The work out.

But the name on the walls and in the closest ... something about it ...

Then it hit me. When I first got with Jasmine, she mentioned that she had an apartment with two people in our database, Elizabeth G. ... and her cousin Britt A. G..

So the house I was relieving stress at ... my wife was in. She did stuff here. Lived here. Slept there. Loved there. Partied here.

A life before she even met me.

So the last time I "worked out" with Jen G, I asked if there was any other names in the house. She showed me into the spare room. I asked what was the name.

She whimper Jasmine. She knew about it already. Keeping it from me, of course. She lived in a house with ghosts of people who meant more to me. Just have been torturous for her. A fitting hell for me.

I asked her where Jasmine's name was in this room. She said it was in the closet behind a bed.

And almost without thinking, almost effortlessly, I flip the bed away to open a closet full of boxes and worthless crap that meant nothing to me. I looked around in the dark closet to see her name. I fumbled my cell phone to produce light into the dark tomb that contained evidence of my wife.

Then I realized that I needed to take out the crap and boxes to see the walls. So I started to take boxes out ... and then throw boxes out of the closet. One after another. I heard screaming but I didn't care. I was tranced, focused, determined to find her name. Her signature. Her ... essence in the past. I just wanted her back in some way. Something that .... idk, proved she wasn't evil.

That the woman I loved more than myself existed. That ... I want tricked, maybe? That I ruined her. That I made her the horrible person who would throw her husband in jail and take away his son and his life and EVERYTHING!

And then I heard crying behind me. I turned to Jen G crying infront of a box I must have thrown. Glass as everywhere around the box from the box.

I slowly stood up to see that I trashed the room. Boxes everywhere and some of the stuff inside was all over the place. I turned back to the closet and realized I would have to do a lot more throwing to get you where I'm sure Jasmine wrote her name.

I stood there. Knowing that I kind of snapped, knowing that I must have been scaring Jen G. Hell, I was kinda scaring myself. But I wanted to know. I wanted to see. Right then, I just wanted her anyway I could still have my beautifully innocent wife.

I felt tears coming. The desperation ... how sad and pathetic it was was creeping up on me. I started to feel it and I didn't want anyone else to see it. The tears. The tears that I destroyed my life and everyone around it.

So I left. I got into the car I borrowed for the night and the phone played Lorde - Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat. Not her life song or our song but her 'I'm leaving you' song. The song that kills me everyone I hear it. I tried to make myself immune to it but it did not work. At least not this time.

Driving home, driving over 100 mph was a minimum. I wanted to drive fast. Drive away from the memories ... our maybe I was going to hit a pebble. But I'm too good a driver for that. Way too good a driver. But I pushed that damn Subaru to its fucking limit! And it was semi-Manuel so it pushed me. Took my head away from where my heart wanted it to be.

I know others night have thought it stupid, especially with the fact my sister LaFall died in a car crash. And honestly, I can't say that I didn't want to die either right then. But I didn't. So I still have work here to do obviously.

Obviously some work

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Dealing with the Monster called Nicolas

So, yesterday, I realized I didn't want to be home so I managed to get access to the car. I was going to hang out with Jen G but … half way there, she texted that her roommate Doug D had a problem with all the guests she had coming in and out of the place ( I think ). Regardless, I felt it was too much drama. Too much … of a mess to want to even deal with and very little reward to come out of it.

So I messaged Jenn D. Now Jenn D … well, she is someone who I was acquainted with a few years back. Before Jasmine but after coming back from Retreat. Never thought she would be interested in me only because ( I admit sadly ) I believed that she wanted a country guy because she was a country girl.

Well, we started talking again and she told me she has always been into me. Sadly that was around the same time I was trying to get with Candi and I didn't want to try to see one girl and have a girl on the side. But I did want to keep her as a friend. She seemed genuine and I needed more of that around me. So we kept close.

But then Candi's constant lack of conviction and effort made me lean away from her and try to talk to Jenn. But then even Jenn decided to step away from me so I focused more on me for a while and less on everyone else. With Candi it was easy because she never bothered to see me and didn't really message me unless I messaged her first.

Well, today, I just realized that I wanted to talk to someone new. Someone outside from my norm and I wanted to see if she would go for it. And she did and we went to grab something to eat at McDonalds/ I tried paying but I soon found out that the card Dad returned to me was my old card that was deactivated. Jenn was nice enough to cover for me and try to get me to not … 'overact'. She was trying to calm me down.

Then we started talking and the talk got deep. She talked about what she heard about me and wanted to hear things from my side. I asked her what she heard and she told me she heard from Jasmine's aunt, Audrey that I was a monster. Even used the word devil.

I realized that no matter how much I try to hide who I am, that will always show through. No matter what good deeds I attempt to accomplish or what I have done, the monster in me that I was raised to be will show.

While contiplating whether I should just jump out the car and leave or return the company car and disappear, Jenn told me to look at her and I did. And she kissed me. Actually kissed me. And I didn't have flash backs of Jasmine or how horrible I was. All of that washed away and I just wanted … to prove that I was a Good Beast. That I deserved to live.

And I returned the kiss. Hard. Desperate. Determined. I remembered the conversations Jenn and I had and I remembered … the potential of what I could offer.

And when the kiss was over, I realized that I was back in the company car, stopped in the middle of the road, a little dazed actually now that I remember it.

I drove us to the park and we sat and I talked. I told her about Jasmine and MY brothers and my world and the life I had before even coming here. And she sat and she listened as I went on and on and on and everything came out. The suicide around me and my suicide attempts, MY brothers and their roles, what Jasmine meant to me and what happened up to The Incident. Everything I could. And when I realized I gave her a little too much, I looked at her and she just reached for my hand and held it. Told me she was there for me.

Then we went into her life and she opened up. Opened up about her dad and his problems and how he should have stopped what happened to her. I won't repeat her story because … well, it is her story but it was rough. Something I am sure that James could relate to.

After her story, I embraced her and we kissed again. And then we joked around about how I didn't think I was a good kisser. She said that she was willing to teach me how to do it better but she wanted have one more test go so I gave it everything I got. I even used some of James' old tips that he gave me a few years back. When it was over, she just looked at me … and then she just busted up with giggles and this big ass smile.

I think I passed.
We just sat and talked for a while and then I mentioned that I should get her home. We were out for like 3hours! Her ( soon to be ex ) husband and son were home probably worried. She said that her son was in good hands and that 'to hell' with her husband. I told her that she still should get home and then she had this extremely sad face.

Then I suggested we drive to Wal-Mart. She needed a new job anyways. So we went and she applied and we talked and joked while she filed out an application right there. I got a few pictures and I realized that my hair … it was too much James, too much Spencer. And I didn't want to share. I know, I know, it was kind of what I was thinking when I was with Jasmine but … I didn't want this relationship to be a mess like that one. I kept too many secrets. I compromised too much. No, I have to learn to that if I want something I have to stand by it!

After that, I was about to drive her home when she said that she wanted to meet my parents ( Chuck and Sue ). I looked at her. I knew. She didn't want to go home. I knew then that I would have to see her tomorrow. Just to be safe. Not hang out but just see if she was hurt or damaged or anything.

Anyways, I called and got the green light to bring her home to meet them. We talked and chit-chatted on the way there and I think I was trying to calm and prep myself down as well as prep and calm her down about meeting my family.

And the short version is that mom and dad loved her! She went toe to toe with Dad and his … playful dick-headedness and mom and her understood each other for being bother hard working women and all that. Even shared horror stories of jobs not being able to pa their employees on time.

Josh worked with Jenn before ( which I totally forgot ) so for them it was like seeing an good old friend. Honestly, it turned out really well, all things considered.

The drink home was a little sobering. I knew that she was going back to her husband and she asked me to explain to him where she was and how long she was gone. We worked on our cover stories ( like my days of old in Haven ) and when we got there, we executed it. He was a disappointment from the first sight. I doubt a heads up would have made much of a difference. He looked like a slob. And he was oddly shaped. He must have been way more impressive

She was kind of shaky, which was understandable. I got to leave. She had to stay. It meant far more to her than it ever could to me really. We had to be careful. I was polite and nice. Not overbearing and believable. He seemed like he was understanding and nice about it. Shook my hand and used nice words to both me and her. When I shook his hand, I gave him the handshake I learned to give from the military. The one where you show you are stronger. I was. He knew. I smiled at him and I left giving Jenn and hug and a kiss on her neck to let me know if anything happens and that I'd be here like lightning.

The next day, I was coming back from sleeping at Tyra and Tammy's place and drive into the gas station she worked at. Half the pumps didn't work and the pump that did only allowed one time of gas. The ATM inside didn't work and it looked under supplied. No wonder she never got her paychecks on time. But she looked fine. No bruises and no extra make up or anything. But I could tell that she looked exhausted. She told me that they argued throughout the night on how she brought 'someone like me' to their house.

I instantly thought on how dad claimed to have all these people who would fight or him and protect him because he was some big deal. But I never did. Not even Jackie and Tye did that for me because they respected that I had to fight my own battles and wars. Mostly so my head would blow up ( like most tends to ). But it would have been nice to call up Bobby and CJ and Tyler to come and beat some sense into this guy's head. To pull a 'Fight Club' on him. To tell him to make things end with Jenn to her complete benefit.

But I knew I couldn't … I wouldn't. Not their problem. Hell, it wasn't even mine. It was Jenn's. I had to do what Jackie and Tye do for me. Let me fight my battles. But I told her that I was here if anything happened. And I left with a hug and premium gas.

I worry now, but I also have hope. I have a few things to do. I have to end it with Candi … if she ever really allows there to be a conversation between us. And I do believe I am going to end it with her. I am not used to this but honestly, it is something that has to happen. I really liked Candi, or at least the idea of Candi. She is nice and sweet and smart and determined … but she wasn't determined with me or even with us. And I need someone who is … better than that. Someone who makes that effort. Talks and … well, someone who wants to be known.