Saturday, February 6, 2016

Dealing with the Monster called Nicolas

So, yesterday, I realized I didn't want to be home so I managed to get access to the car. I was going to hang out with Jen G but … half way there, she texted that her roommate Doug D had a problem with all the guests she had coming in and out of the place ( I think ). Regardless, I felt it was too much drama. Too much … of a mess to want to even deal with and very little reward to come out of it.

So I messaged Jenn D. Now Jenn D … well, she is someone who I was acquainted with a few years back. Before Jasmine but after coming back from Retreat. Never thought she would be interested in me only because ( I admit sadly ) I believed that she wanted a country guy because she was a country girl.

Well, we started talking again and she told me she has always been into me. Sadly that was around the same time I was trying to get with Candi and I didn't want to try to see one girl and have a girl on the side. But I did want to keep her as a friend. She seemed genuine and I needed more of that around me. So we kept close.

But then Candi's constant lack of conviction and effort made me lean away from her and try to talk to Jenn. But then even Jenn decided to step away from me so I focused more on me for a while and less on everyone else. With Candi it was easy because she never bothered to see me and didn't really message me unless I messaged her first.

Well, today, I just realized that I wanted to talk to someone new. Someone outside from my norm and I wanted to see if she would go for it. And she did and we went to grab something to eat at McDonalds/ I tried paying but I soon found out that the card Dad returned to me was my old card that was deactivated. Jenn was nice enough to cover for me and try to get me to not … 'overact'. She was trying to calm me down.

Then we started talking and the talk got deep. She talked about what she heard about me and wanted to hear things from my side. I asked her what she heard and she told me she heard from Jasmine's aunt, Audrey that I was a monster. Even used the word devil.

I realized that no matter how much I try to hide who I am, that will always show through. No matter what good deeds I attempt to accomplish or what I have done, the monster in me that I was raised to be will show.

While contiplating whether I should just jump out the car and leave or return the company car and disappear, Jenn told me to look at her and I did. And she kissed me. Actually kissed me. And I didn't have flash backs of Jasmine or how horrible I was. All of that washed away and I just wanted … to prove that I was a Good Beast. That I deserved to live.

And I returned the kiss. Hard. Desperate. Determined. I remembered the conversations Jenn and I had and I remembered … the potential of what I could offer.

And when the kiss was over, I realized that I was back in the company car, stopped in the middle of the road, a little dazed actually now that I remember it.

I drove us to the park and we sat and I talked. I told her about Jasmine and MY brothers and my world and the life I had before even coming here. And she sat and she listened as I went on and on and on and everything came out. The suicide around me and my suicide attempts, MY brothers and their roles, what Jasmine meant to me and what happened up to The Incident. Everything I could. And when I realized I gave her a little too much, I looked at her and she just reached for my hand and held it. Told me she was there for me.

Then we went into her life and she opened up. Opened up about her dad and his problems and how he should have stopped what happened to her. I won't repeat her story because … well, it is her story but it was rough. Something I am sure that James could relate to.

After her story, I embraced her and we kissed again. And then we joked around about how I didn't think I was a good kisser. She said that she was willing to teach me how to do it better but she wanted have one more test go so I gave it everything I got. I even used some of James' old tips that he gave me a few years back. When it was over, she just looked at me … and then she just busted up with giggles and this big ass smile.

I think I passed.
We just sat and talked for a while and then I mentioned that I should get her home. We were out for like 3hours! Her ( soon to be ex ) husband and son were home probably worried. She said that her son was in good hands and that 'to hell' with her husband. I told her that she still should get home and then she had this extremely sad face.

Then I suggested we drive to Wal-Mart. She needed a new job anyways. So we went and she applied and we talked and joked while she filed out an application right there. I got a few pictures and I realized that my hair … it was too much James, too much Spencer. And I didn't want to share. I know, I know, it was kind of what I was thinking when I was with Jasmine but … I didn't want this relationship to be a mess like that one. I kept too many secrets. I compromised too much. No, I have to learn to that if I want something I have to stand by it!

After that, I was about to drive her home when she said that she wanted to meet my parents ( Chuck and Sue ). I looked at her. I knew. She didn't want to go home. I knew then that I would have to see her tomorrow. Just to be safe. Not hang out but just see if she was hurt or damaged or anything.

Anyways, I called and got the green light to bring her home to meet them. We talked and chit-chatted on the way there and I think I was trying to calm and prep myself down as well as prep and calm her down about meeting my family.

And the short version is that mom and dad loved her! She went toe to toe with Dad and his … playful dick-headedness and mom and her understood each other for being bother hard working women and all that. Even shared horror stories of jobs not being able to pa their employees on time.

Josh worked with Jenn before ( which I totally forgot ) so for them it was like seeing an good old friend. Honestly, it turned out really well, all things considered.

The drink home was a little sobering. I knew that she was going back to her husband and she asked me to explain to him where she was and how long she was gone. We worked on our cover stories ( like my days of old in Haven ) and when we got there, we executed it. He was a disappointment from the first sight. I doubt a heads up would have made much of a difference. He looked like a slob. And he was oddly shaped. He must have been way more impressive

She was kind of shaky, which was understandable. I got to leave. She had to stay. It meant far more to her than it ever could to me really. We had to be careful. I was polite and nice. Not overbearing and believable. He seemed like he was understanding and nice about it. Shook my hand and used nice words to both me and her. When I shook his hand, I gave him the handshake I learned to give from the military. The one where you show you are stronger. I was. He knew. I smiled at him and I left giving Jenn and hug and a kiss on her neck to let me know if anything happens and that I'd be here like lightning.

The next day, I was coming back from sleeping at Tyra and Tammy's place and drive into the gas station she worked at. Half the pumps didn't work and the pump that did only allowed one time of gas. The ATM inside didn't work and it looked under supplied. No wonder she never got her paychecks on time. But she looked fine. No bruises and no extra make up or anything. But I could tell that she looked exhausted. She told me that they argued throughout the night on how she brought 'someone like me' to their house.

I instantly thought on how dad claimed to have all these people who would fight or him and protect him because he was some big deal. But I never did. Not even Jackie and Tye did that for me because they respected that I had to fight my own battles and wars. Mostly so my head would blow up ( like most tends to ). But it would have been nice to call up Bobby and CJ and Tyler to come and beat some sense into this guy's head. To pull a 'Fight Club' on him. To tell him to make things end with Jenn to her complete benefit.

But I knew I couldn't … I wouldn't. Not their problem. Hell, it wasn't even mine. It was Jenn's. I had to do what Jackie and Tye do for me. Let me fight my battles. But I told her that I was here if anything happened. And I left with a hug and premium gas.

I worry now, but I also have hope. I have a few things to do. I have to end it with Candi … if she ever really allows there to be a conversation between us. And I do believe I am going to end it with her. I am not used to this but honestly, it is something that has to happen. I really liked Candi, or at least the idea of Candi. She is nice and sweet and smart and determined … but she wasn't determined with me or even with us. And I need someone who is … better than that. Someone who makes that effort. Talks and … well, someone who wants to be known.