Thursday, July 6, 2017

What I Am Responsible For

I cannot pinpoint what day this happened. In the past 30 days I am sure.

It had something to do with me and mom arguing again. I am sure he won't remember. He barely remembers much of anything that is actually important. Where he leaves things. Appointments that he has. Work schedules or even events that isn't work related.

Whilst spitting some "holier, wiser, smart and better than thou" bullspit, he goes "no wonder your wife left". He said it so quickly and moved on to the next thing he was bitching/griping/complaining about something ( yes it started with me and mom debating or potentially bumping heads about something ).

Like I said, he probably won't ever remember saying it or if he does, he'll half-assly say he 'very well might have said it', or something weak like that.

This is where he is. He is always right. Even when he is wrong he is right. He angers me so much. He disgusts me so much. Not before, but when Simon showed me how manipulative he is, especially to those in the house, I want to puke when I think about it all.

So why am I still here. Why didnt I leave then when he said what he said ( obviously to hurt me )?

Sue, Tyler and Nakoma.
Because of L ... LaFall. It is the least I can do for what happened. What I am responsible for.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

What I Fight For

Yesterday was the 4th of July and honestly it means more to TOWians than to U.S. but yet we still celebrated our own liberation from a tyrant that wanted to conquer our world.
The Darkness.

And even with the revelation that that same tyrant is also a persona, which made the celebration a sober one, it is a celebration of freedom none the less. Even for me, an old solider of The Darkness.

Luckily, this year, I didn't have to drive the damn QWIK ROCK bus like I did last year ( which I hated people it was during a parade that people are absolute dicks in this area it seems with h them throwing things and saying shit and junk ). I didn't even have to watch the damn parade.

But I did watch it from the tower whenever I heard her baton squad walk through. And even though she isn't my actual daughter, I was so proud of her and what she has accomplished so far in her life.

She came over after the parade and told me how her school year ended. She told me more about her boyfriend/girlfriend, Seth ( which is another can of worms I am dealing with ... and mainly because of Seth's attitude towards me ) and how hard it is living with her foster family.

And while she is telling me all this, I realize how much I have missed of her life while she has been away. It saddened me, but I am glad that she made the time and effort  to see me. It made "my heart swell 3 times its normal size".

So even though I could talk about how the cost of freedom for  the masses comes to at a steep price to the few that fight for it, or the link that to my life in Haven ... or how I feel trapped here in TOW and the Myers Househould ... but my UoA daughter, Sarah, made everything worth it for now. Right now, she showed me the human element ... a glimpse at my fatherhood skills. She reminded me on why I put up with so much. What I fight for ...

I hope ... I hope I can be better for Xavier. Way better. I hope he looks at me and talks to me eventually like Sarah does. 

Friday, June 30, 2017

Not Again

My agner right now it so high. I mean so high.
Misit came over ... what? On Wednesday. I was excited but it was odd. She felt distant. Like ... Idk, like she didn't want to really ... I don't know how to explain it. Be close I guess. Just that she was trying to keep her distance from me. I guess I was overly happy to just have her back for the moment that I didn't think too much about it.
But last night, we argued about the fact that she never really help me talk through anything. She just ... bitches at me and when I try, she ignores me by being on her phone o r she changes the topic. She got mad, then silent ... and then changed the topic.
I then said I was going to bed and she said that she wasn't tired. Figuring that she would come to bed shortly, I went to bed and fell asleep. When I woke up 6 hours later, she hasn't come to be. She was still at the fpot of the bed with her phone and her back to me.
And that was it. I realized that I couldn't do this anymore. I ... I had flashbacks of Jasmine not coming to bed. ON her phone or in the living room on YouTube or whatever she was 'really' doing. Flashback of Vincent telling me about Theo and what happened when he brought Lori to his place years ago ( in the middle of the night, she left to go and see someone else ).
It was then that I realized that I didn't want to be the fool anymore. That I am not going to spend energy on something or someone that doesn't care. WHo would rather be on their It is upsetting, and I am sure that the PU are going to bitch, but I honestly do not want her around me anymore. She ... she is tainted. And it hurts just to see her right now. At elast I feel better that she is leaving in a few hurs. I'll just not invite her. I am sure if she was up all night doing gawd knows what, she'll be ok not having to come back.

Monday, June 26, 2017

We'd Leave the Greater to Suffer for the Few

Sue is starting to actually have dreams of LaFall alive rather than dead like that night of the car wreck in August 2012. She said that she had a dream last night where everyone was on some sort of vacation and they kept changing the rooms on her after everyone got settled. After the 5th move, she got frustrated and asked why they kept moving us. They ( or Chuck ) told her that there was something in the rooms and if she stayed there for too long then she would want to stay.

So Sue, in the dream, got everyone preoccupied and started to snoop around in the room and found a closest in which she and her kids had whenever they were younger. They would use to hid in the closest when they were younger .... and Sue thoughts she heard something in this closet that magically appear.

She opens the door and LaFall jumps up. Then she asks Sue to not leave her. Then Chuck comes in and starts to pull her away from this LaFall.

Sue told me this dream she had last night ... and she told me she would leave all of us to stay with her.

Chuck and Sue translate all of that into Sue not forgiving herself for the death of LaFall. I see it that Sue is one more step closer to seeing that death is the ultimate choice to be with LaFall.

I want to be made that she would leave all of us in a heartbeat for LaFall. 6-7 ( 3 hers and 3-4 dad's depending on if she can tolerate Lynnanne or not that day )s children. 1 Husband. Friends and Family. House. Home. Better life. But obviously all of that means nothing without LaFall.

But I cannot be that angry. I would slaughter all of them if I knew I could rewind time and get my family back. If I could get back Jasmine and Xavier. When we were a good family.

Because the 'alive dream' that Sue just got, I have had ever since July 27th of 2014. Every night ... save a few.

I hope some angel or demon never comes to both me and Sue with the same offer of sacrifice to get what we truly desire. We share that pain and hurt and carry it with us every day ... but it isn't the same ... and she'll never notice.

She barely notices the change now.

I Hate to Love Misti

When I first 'hired or employeed' Misti, it was to convince me to sleep. In hopes that the dreams/nightmares would go away. And it helped. But like most things that occur in private, things are personal. Sadly more so for me than her.

I didn't want a relationship but I wanted to know that ... I guess that whatever 'this' was kind of mattered. We bonded. Exchanged favors. Even introduced her to the family ( obviously had to ). And I wasn't looking for a relationship. Neither was she. I just .... wanted to matter to someone, ya know.

But I couldn't get that. She eventually admitted that she only got with me to sleep with me. A momentary lapse in judgement. This wasn't anything that she really wanted. But week after week she would return to help me sleep.

Until I realized that sleep wasn't worth the heart ache and the arguing and the constant disappointment to one day think that I mattered and then the next day she would say something that would prove that she didn't.

An eternal cycle of hell.

So I have been separating myself from her bit by bit. To save my ego and my emotions. If I make the choice, it is easier than her just disappearing. But Chuck and Sue do not understand, and they berate me for 'firing' her or treating her poorly in their presence. Something I only do in their presence to prevent suspicion of things getting more serious only to have them fail.

But lately, even marking today, I have found myself looking at FaceBook messenger, and hoping she replies with some sort of affection. Even something similar to actual friendship would be welcoming at this moment. But more and more we separate, and more and more I realize it isn't what I want ... and more and more I realize, I never get what I want.

I have gone as far as to archive her messages so I do not get reminded on how little our communications have gotten. But maybe I should do something more ... drastic. Perhaps I should block her. Keep her at a further distance as to not have reminders of my own failure ... my repeative failures ... again.