Thursday, June 15, 2017
However, in this household, Dad ( Chuck ) finds it comical to say that random things are my fault. He finds it funny. But it is funny at my expense. Hence why I find it annoying ... and another reason I hate living with people.
1 other person, very doable, especially when I pick them through a list of candidates. But not a bunch of people with so many different personalities, needs, wants and agendas.
So it is annoying that when something is done wrong and I am involved, not to hate the idea that I am involved in situation that I originally had nothing to do with. Some of that is my fault. The ones I volunteer myself for, completely my fault. The ones that I am recruited to handle, I get pissed when it is only given to me because no one else wants the responsibility. And that includes the person that it is centered around.
Case in point, Josh had work today. Dad asked me about his work schedule. Honestly, I couldn't remember cleanly ( or quickly enough for dad ) to be confident about his answer. Also, since I was in the middle of something else, I am sure that he would have wanted me to go to Josh ( who sleeps until his clock in time ) and ask him, which I hate doing because Josh in the morning makes me want to throw him into the Pit.
Well, luckily for me today, Dad went to ask him and found out that there was a conflict in the schedule. So he recruited me to find Josh a ride ... to his work ... which is about 8 - 10 blocks away. But I went through the assets I have but I do not have any last minute assets set up. Most I ask a few days a head of time. So most of them were either at work already or to have them drive all the way here just to drive Josh 8 - 10 blocks ( and no gas money mind you ) would not only be foolish but also a waste of time.
I ended up asking CJ to find someone. He said that Brandon's friend could do it but we didn't know that until dad had to drive back and pick up Josh for work. CJ even came back to drop off Sadie's fucking dog but couldn't send a text message or leave a note about Brandon being able to do the 10 block drive.
Yet, I get grilled and hassled about knowing and not knowing and getting information wrong and shit. Oh gawd, when they talk like that in front of me ( or even behind my back and I overheard ) I swear I'd burn them all alive if Protocol S wasn't in place.
I am just getting tired of dealing with people ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And I hate even more that I have to deal with other people's bullshit and crap.
And Mom ( Sue ) always asks me why I want to move out?!
I barely own the area I sleep in. And it is annoying. Simon says that they are gonna want everything that they ever gave me back. Saying that they only let me use it. But honestly, I am getting to the point where that will be ok with me.Very few things are keeping me here.
Like L ... and the promise I made to her after what happened.
And Nakoma ... damn imprint
Monday, June 12, 2017
And coincidentally, it was also the date of the start of my introduction and imitation into U.S. and the NJS Project.
The date didn't mean too much to me until I meant Jasmine. Her birthday is 6 days after mine. Xavier's birthday is 6 days after that! Honestly, to me, it all felt and seemed destined. And I never believed in fate and destiny ... until them.
Until both of them. They made me into a believer. They gave me a reason to celebrate the survival of another cycle of this hellish existence here on this other world.
And the Myers' clan help no better. Half of them wouldn't or couldn't care less and the other half thinks I am lying because my identification papers ( that survived ) say different. Even though mostly everything else on them are wrong too.
It hurts that Sue made it seemed that even though I have told her respectively, that my birthday that I celebrate is on the 12th of June, I feel she'll try to celebrate the date of The Lost Original.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Dad says not to tell mom it was from lack of sleep. I'll let him believe it was. I tried trekking my assistant that I saw something but she has been more and more difficult to communicate with.
But who can I even tell that to m not the PUs. They'll over react or not understand. Both my therapist are MIA for a week.
Regardless, even though Zach was hard to get a hold of, I was able to with dad's help since he knew their house number. Zach and Uncle Larry pulled the car out of the ditch and I was able to drive home after an hour.
When I came home, I got bitched at because dad didn't have insurance on the car yet because he was slacking on it. I just ended the conversation early to go to bed.
I wasn't planning in going anywhere today but dad needed someone to drive him to state college, even though I cancelled going to skills so I can have a moment to myself.
Gawd, I know I can say no but I said No 3 times yesterday and 1 time prior to that and I believe one this morning before I realized he wasn't going to let me rest about it.
I'm starting to really hate everything here.
I'm losing almost every and all reason to be here.
Sunday, June 4, 2017
I doubt they see how I suffer. They think they know but they don't how exactly often when I'm around them that I wish to just not be around. They have no idea how being around them simply makes me miss the family I had.
The house we had.
The fun we shared.
The love that we grew.
Sitting with them, these people who I have adopted, to attempt to fill in the hole Jasmine created ... their actions and behavior only adds more salt into the gaping wound that was created when my family left me.
But honestly, I hope they never know how much I love them but that being with them kills me. Seeing Sue and Chuck together. To see Nakoma as a child. To struggle with the relationships of my brothers and to see them succeed and struggle with their significant others and their relations.
This constant reminder of a life that isn't mine. That I didn't help create. That'll never be Jasmine and Xavier. They'll never by my family.
And the worse thing is that I'll never have anything like them ever again.