Veil of the Unknown

I was reading the blog of a close and personal friend and realized that what he was blogging about months ago should have been put to the test in my own life ages ago.

He was talking about how the fear of the Unknown ( or even the idea of going against the mainstream of normal ) can prevent us from doing a lot. I mean, a lot of people puff their chest and say that they don’t follow mainstream or that they do as they want but in reality … they are just fooling themselves. I have to say that about 90% of people that I see or even walk pass or encounter fall under the category of fearing the Veil of the Unknown.

They either do things out of fear or don’t do things out of fear. Be it fear of rejection or un-acceptance or whatever they case may be. I even fall under this category. There are two automobile businesses that I’ve walked to walk into and offer my free volunteer services in hopes to get my foot into the labor business. However, day in and day out, I find myself not erasing that from my ever changing list of things to do.

I am sure that isn’t the only thing that I prevent myself from doing out of fear of one thing or another. But after reading my friend’s post, I wanted to face fear. MY FEARS. The small things that I shied away from because I feared success or rejection mostly. I want to put myself out there and at least say that I did it. I made the effort. I want to … have the courage to make some changes. J

INSPIRATION @ THE DOT COM … WAR GAMES

So I was watching this video off YouTube with a bunch of guys playing out this team deathmatch ( I think ) in an abandon warehouse kinda thing and I get this idea, right? Link

Now imagine if I were able to get about … say eight ( 9 ) guys ( or gals ) who are interested in air soft or paintball and I set up a scenario. Two teams. One Package ( person ) that is valuable to both sides. Team A has to get Package to Point Z. Team B Has to retrieve Package before Team A gets it to Point Z within a time frame of X. Kinda complex but doable.

Why am I thinking about this? Because I want to do something like this. I want do be a part of something like this. And I want it recorded. Is it that wrong? I’ve wanted something for my CONFLICT category and this would satisfy it outside the gaming world.

The hugest problem would be … obvious.

Getting 9 people who want to be a part of this. And then maybe 4 people to record. … and then finding a location in where we won’t be called by the authorities for carrying realistic firearms.

Yea … Good Luck, right? ]sigh[

FutureMe.Org

To the advice of my close and personal friends, Vincent Cecelia, I have used FutureMe.Org to send myself a letter in the future.

The plan for this is to try to remind myself after a year of what is truely important.

Let's hope this really works.

The Power of the N-Word

Do you know what I hate so much? When ignorant, dirty, dirty low, good for nothing, fucking cunts!!!! that want to hurt someone like me ... all they have to say is a 6-letter word and I'm broken. Everything that I truely am. My character, my good deeds, my very well being gets destoryed. Completely!!!

How does one word completely destory a man.

Here is a better one. How does someone create such a word with so much meaning. How can a group of people create a word that means the lowest level of existence and THEN attach it to a whole race. For years people didn't just associate it with just anyone. Everyone knew that when it was said that they were referring to one specific group FIRST! A race of men and women who were broken and use as NOT people but a commodity. No, worse than a commodity.

There isn't any bullshit about people trying to say "No No they weren't hated and beaten and used and killed and considered worthless. You have the wrong idea there buddy!"

THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT WE WERE. FOR WHAT?!?! FOR RICH WHITE PEOPLE TO FEEL BETTER!!! NO BETTER NO LESSOR.

So even now, when I hear the word, even when it isn't said to me or other African Americans, it kills me a little. It brings back all that hatred. That feeling of worthlessness. No matter what I do to rise above it. No matter what I do to success and to prove my worth ... to the people who see me, my lowest common demaonor is ... that word.

I can never win.

My goals are as followed:

Well, that is it for now.

[ ] Discover what kinda car I want to get.

Plan A [ ] Find an Online Murder Club

Plan B [ ] Just solve a problem that isn’t my own.

[ ] Design a topic to discuss for 5 - 10 minutes for vBlog

[ ] Get PS3 from VGX

[ ] Jog 2x a week

Hitting the Ground Running Like Hell!!! ( PART II )

Alright, after some mental crunching, I have a better idea on what I want to achieve to better forward propel my life. It won’t be easy and with just a month, even the little things are gonna have to make the difference.

The Four Main Topics of Interest were: Driving, Investigative, Video/Photography and Conflict ( read: What Peaks My Interest to read more on these ), So let’s try for one goal for each.

Serious’s Main Goals

DRV	Work out a way to pay for the purchase of a vehicle
INV	Solve a Case / Problem
V/P	Create at least one vBlog to post on YouTube
CNF	Get PS3 back and dedicate Sunday to online gaming
*PRS	*Get within 5lbs of 200lbs weight wise

Thinking up some of these goals are not easy. I even had to ask Jasmine for some help about what best these four goals above should be.

And I have to keep in mind that I have other things to take care of, such as my side Essential Daily / Short Term Goals, that also include the upcoming holiday seasons, I have to take care of. There is also another side task that I am trying to put together that will be revealed come New Years Day ( if not New Years Eve ). More on the New Year Surprise closer to the closure of the year.

Now, let me break down the goals.

WORKING OUT A WAY TO PAY FOR THE PURCHASE OF A VECHILE > > >

A lot of people say that they want a cheap vehicle but really what is cheap for me? How long will I go? What is too cheap and what is acceptable? I am not exactly rolling in the money or anything so I have to be very lucky and find a cheap car or I have to find a way to come up for a way to pay for a half decent one. I have a month and a half to come up with a solution.

First I think, I want to find out what kinda car I want. And from there, I can make a better choice. So for this week or two, my main focus is to find out what kinda used car am I looking for? A Subaru? A Celica? Eagle Talon?

[ ] Discover what kinda car I want to get.

SOLVE A CASE / PROBLEM > > >

I know that it vague but let me elaborate on that some more. Years ago, I helped a friend of mine we were forced to call The Professor ( since he was so smart ), play this online game that was similar to the anciently popular Carman Sandiego franchise. They would supply use clues and we would have to find the location to the next clue and so on. Nothing amazing but fun in it’s own respect.

Now, I’ve heard of such things as Murder Clubs where the same basis is followed. A group of people gather to solve a crime one of them have orchestrated. Now, with location being a problem that the internet has solved, I believe that I can get myself into one of these group that have digitalized itself online.

So my goal here is to:

Plan A [ ] Find an Online Murder Club

If that fails, then I can fall back to the original concept.

Plan B [ ] Just solve a problem that isn’t my own.

CREATE A vBLOG > > >

I see a lot of people still doing the YouTube thing. Honestly, it almost wouldn’t matter if a lot of people did it or not. I want to do it. I want to push myself to connect somewhat to THIS WORLD. And honestly, between myself and Vincent, we have very informative and entertaining conversations.

And if it isn’t a vBlog then I want to put another short film like I have in the past. ( check out: www.youtube.com/nicolasspencer to see some of my earlier stuff ) Nothing really impressive but everyone starts somewhere. I guess I am hoping that I can do something that LonelyGirl15 did but that is seriously shooting for the starts. Lol

But I do have my ‘brother’ Michael Aaron Davis to help me with a few things. He had a pseudo organization back in the day all based about being creative so maybe he can help me if I want to do a few more pilots. The hard thing will be to get others to be interested in something that won’t have any return and that might not go away.

Hence why I am gonna push for a vBlog. It can be simple and most likely will be directed to either Vincent or the world ( like my New Years Resolution video was to both in a way ).

But I suppose my goal for the next two weeks will be to:

[ ] Design a topic to discuss for 5 - 10 minutes for vBlog

GET PS3 BACK & DEDICATE A DAY TO ONLINE GAMING > > >

Since this town does not have a paintball business, league, organization or club, that idea is currently out the window for this month and a half task. That and it is getting closer and closer to winter. Best to try to stay inside anyways.

Luckily, the next time I am able to get myself and Jasmine to DuBois, we can get the console back. And when I do get it back, I’ll ask Rick ( our neighbor ) if we can use his internet ( even though he already said it was okay ).

I want to cut down my gaming time but concentrate on my skill ( if that makes sense ). There are other things I should be doing but since this is the only way to get my CONFLICT fix then so be it. But I want a good balance. So I am going to try keep gaming to a weekend basis. Mostly Sunday since the least amount of work has to be done on that day.

Hopefully, I what I want to do is hone my skills and get some good friends online who want to play on a clan too. This will require possibly some forum work and whatnot. Finding people who aren’t the best at turning the sensitivity to the max and throwing away lives like tissues on Deathmatch Maps won’t be easy but I am sure that there are some there.

[ ] Get PS3 from VGX

GET WITHIN 5LBS OF 200LBS > > >

I know this isn’t one of the top four main goals but I figure that I’d add this to the list because it is something that I want to do.

Most people want to go to the gym or they want to go on some fancy diet. I think if I skips on the extra snacks and do more that I’ll be alright. I don’t have too far to go to make my goal but I do want to at least be more active.

So my top priority for this goal is to be more active.

[ ] Jog 2x a week

What Peaks My Interests

It is kinda hard to think about what I am actually interested in. I kinda feel like an elementary kid when presented with that question. And even at that, what are they suppose to do to further their own understanding on what they are interested in?

Well, let me start off by listing out what I have found out I am actually interested in and why:

Videography / Photography

Ever since I left Clarion, I’ve been kinda crazy behind the camera. If you know me then you know that I have a YouTube account and that my FaceBook has a lot of photos on it. Mostly of things that are meaningful ( especially my YouTube Videos ) but after seeing LonelyGirl16‘s videos, she got me to try to expand the kinda videos I wanted to do.

However, since the townies from Clarion are douche bags and stole my camera and ruined my life … well, I haven’t really been in the capturing mood.

However, recently I have acquired a series of camcorders so maybe that’ll help me respark some interest in the self videoing scene that is YouTube.

I honestly don’t see my interest in this going farther than YouTube videos. I am not that good and it is hard for me to find anyone interested in the same ‘visions’ ( as my ‘brother’ Michael would put it ) as myself so … I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just do a series of ‘scrapbook in motion’ videos. Like family videos or something.

CONFLICTS

Now when I say this, I mean things like war games. Currently, I suppose the safest way to say this would be like Paintball Events. Or even playing Call of Duty but not the whole Team Deathmatch where you get infinite lives and play recklessly but the goal orientated modes where you have one life to complete the objective or either destroying the base or whatnot and you have to use your freakin head!!!

Believe it or not, I seriously miss that. I cannot join the military ( I’ve already tried and failed like Captain America before the injections ) and for some reason, this country region I am currently residing in does not do the whole paintball thing. They would much rather hunt with real guns during whatever season they aren’t suppose to do it in.

If I can find some sort of Paintball Place to … IDK … actually play Paintball, I think I will be very content. But for now, I have to wait on the return of my PS3 to enjoy virtual war games. And then I have to get the internet so that I can actually play against other players. Console games are designed for the player to win so that isn’t much fun after a while. However, it is gonna be the closest thing I can get to for a while.

DRIVING

My love. I ‘acquire’ as much Super Street, Import Tuners, Modified, Car and Drivers and Motor Trend. I want to be behind the wheel so badly I can sometimes smell the gasoline. I get all giddy when I see track races ( even NASCAR on occasions ) especially drifting and street races. My computer is slowly but surely getting loaded with YouTube videos of illegal street races and such.

I daydream racing the pretenders in this lame town and then moving to the next lame time and upgrading my ride using only the money I win in races. Just me and my ride.

But like the War Games, I live my daydreams virtually through the Need For Speed series and Tokyo Racer Zero for the PS2 … and in the magazines of course.

DETECTIVE / INVESTIGATIVE

I’ve always been interested in solving mysteries. I’m no Sherlock Holmes or Professor Spencer but I still am very interested in crime dramas and true ( solve it yourself ) mysteries ( shocking after what I went through the few years back ).

But I won’t be able to join the force for the same reason I couldn’t join the military. I am too much of a liability to take on. But I still have a desire to catch bad guys. To use my brains and the brawn I have to crack cases.

I hear that I can still be a bounty hunter or a private investigator but I am not sure how much someone can do with as little actual experience as I have. But still an interests … I guess. I guess I wish I had more idea on how to go about this particular field.

/ / /

Wow, those are my interests. Video/Photography, Driving, Conflicts and Investigative. In a way, being a PI or being a bounty hunter would integrate all these things. Hiding in bushes taking pictures of conflicts and a lot of driving! But I am not sure what kinda training I’ll need for these things.

But this is what I think about each:

VIDEO/PHOTOGRAPHY

Experience: Networking and knowing people get people around this industry as well as having a decent portfolio. I think that they local V-Tech has a photography class. I might look deeper into that. However, to get a job that involves a camera is a penny in a ten dollar bill. Is it worth getting into or is it just a hobby?

CONFLICT

Internet: I should start a real online clan and see what I can do with a group of people. I’ve always really been more of a solo act but team work is key in recognition. I currently have a clan of a member of one: DOGS OF WAR [DoW]

For that to happen on my PS3 I need the internet at my apartment. I need more money to get the internet.

Equipment: If I am to be an active paintballer then I need to get a paintball gun, a fun side air soft gun and protective gear. I have always wanted this kind stuff. Even have a wish list. But being a paintballer isn’t a poor man’s sport. It costs a nice amount of green that I current do not own.

I do not make enough to really even start as a novice.

DRIVING

Paperwork: I am currently on the process of getting my license. I have to go through a lot of red tape to even do that since I am such a special case … and I lost all my previous paper work that took me about a lifetime to get so … yea … those pencil pushers in the government sure know how to take their time.

I should be getting all my paper work in by January. I should have everything finalized ( especially my driver’s license ) by early February. So I am bouncing for February.

When I get my license, I am gonna see if I can get myself into some EVO ( Emergency Vehicle Operations ) classes. That would be extremely useful … and fun.

DETECTIVE / INVESTIGATIVE

Academics: I am sure that I have to take some sort of classes for me to even really consider doing something like this. I hear that out West they have seminars that when you are done with the seminars that you get your certification to collect bounties.

Experience: I am sure that you can’t just just jump into the business. You need someone to show you the ropes. I currently don’t even know anyone like that. My ‘brother’ Danny does know a lot of people. He is, how you would say, “close to the streets” so maybe such connections would be useful.

But still, I have to put a lot of foot work in this business. And would it be good for someone who moves around as much as I do?

/ / /

Well, there it is. The things I am interested in and the things I have to do to get there ( vaguely ). Now I think in the next fifty some days, I have to make goals related to these interests.

Here comes PART II !!!!

Hitting the Ground Running Like Hell!!! ( PART I )

Okay, I’ve been absent but that is acceptable considering I don’t have the internet at home. I never had it. I just use it on occasions that I have access to it. So I am trying to type up entries at home and the upload them whenever I have the chance.

But back to what I should be planning. The New Year is around the corner. About 55 days to go and then twenty eleven is gone. So I have about a month and a half to achieve something.

I’ve been on Vincent’s ass about being active with the plans in his head but here I am with close to nothing. Mostly just waiting for the new year to turn so I can start on a few other things. ( Getting the government to sent out documentations for authorization takes forever and a lifetime!!! )

So I am going to try to dedicate myself to making something work between now and the New Year. Not just the Essentials ( things I HAVE to take care of ) but also the Legacy that I desire to make for myself.

The problem ( or rather the obstacle ) that lays before me here is to define what I really want to be remembered ( or at the very least, known ) for. So I suppose I have to do some inner looking. And to save my viewers the eye strain, I’ll make separate posts. The next post should be what I am interested in while the one after will be about what I either have experience at or what my skills are. Something like that.

See you at PART II !!!!