Saturday, January 28, 2017

Is this what I want?

So I figured that best thing to assess Misti Quick will be as a personal assistant. Might be what I need more than anything else.

A few days ago, she said she didn t want to have sex anymore and that frustrated me. Like, "Am i doing something wrong?" And she didn't explain much of anything so I went back to Work Mode and focused on Things To Do.

Then she came over yesterday and we got into like 3 arguments.

1. About whether I am what she wants to hang out and do shit with
2. She expressed that she only got with me at first cuz she just wanted to hook up ( aka she was horny ). I waited for her to say something like, 'but things have changed since then' but that never came
3. I said when I got with her, it was because James suggested that I needed a cuddle buddy because he thinks that I needed physical contact that was 'safe'

3 arguements in 1 day ... this isn't a good thing.

And she doesn't ever want to talk things through. She doesn't want to make an effort for much of anything. I have to ask myself ... if this what I want?

What I Fight for ...

my anger gets more and more each day.

first, let's talk about chuck, my adopted dad. i had a 'better me committee meeting' yesterday. had time to finish most of it yesterday but had the meeting a few hours late because i had to gather more information. i work hard trying to figure out finances and personal goals and life directions. actually working on me for the sake of me.

tonight, they got me to the dinner table again and he says [ paraphrasing of course ]:
"The reason I cannot take your meeting thing seriously is because you don't value your life enough ..." - Charles Myers
Now, in context, Josh was saying that he was worried about Spencer slitting his and Lynnanne's throat when I was living with them in State College and they were going to send us away. I do not remember any of that but I can understand that he was simply protecting US. Something that no one in this household seems to understand that United Separation is everything to me and my brothers. It defines freedom and liberation and opportunity in our word. Not a utopia but the opportunity for things to be better than what they were. And things were bad.

They'll never understand.

And obviously, with mom and dad fighting all the time now and mom coming to me to talk to calm herself down ... he has been a lot more ... ignorant and disrespectful. The fighting and the inability to understand US is killing my campaign to stay with or near them. So must staked against them ... against me ... and sometimes ... I wonder what I am even fighting for anymore.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

When Anger Gets Thrown Into Question

Sometimes ... most times, I struggle with my anger. Not because I feel being angry is bad. I have learned that anger is a normal and healthy emotion to experience.

No, my problem is identifying why I am angry. Or to figure out if it is worth getting angry about.

Jacques helped me understand that sometimes, an isolated situation can have a cut and dry solution but other times, other factors can make something that seems small have more importance.

For example, last night at dinner, I was thirsty. So, seeing that Bobby had a glass of Moutain Dew that he left behind for over 15 minutes to dick around with no hint that the dicking around was not gonna end. So I leaned over, picked up the glass and commenced the drinking of the glass of Mountain Dew.

So, this trigger Sue ( mom ) and Chuck ( dad ) to absolutely jump on my shit about me being it getting sick. In which I have explained that in the past year, I have gotten sick once. And that once time, I still managed to work and drive whoever around to whatever. And not only that, just about everyday, Bobby, CJ and Tyler drink each other's drink on the table when everyone else sees abd no one gives 2 shits, moans or fucks about. Bobby even said ( at that very time of the parental freak out ) that he does that regular and gives no shots about it.

Then they started on the idea that it isn't about me getting sick ( even though, once again, everyone else has done what I just did just once ) but it is that I could be a conduit for spreading sicknesses. As Bon chimed in with the saying "it is like playing hot potatoes with sickness" ( or something like that ).

However, I returned to the idea that everyone gets on my shit for something everyone else does on a regular abd no one bats a fucking delta's tots about. Then Josh chimed in that because in a group of about ten, me saying everyone is politically incorrect since not everyone does that. And to that I brought up how every family discussion starts with the idea that everyone is blamed and punished for what 2-3 people have done.

And as usual, no one seems to have given a sugar frosted fuck about what I said.

Then dad brought up that even though I have been sick once a year and everyone else gets sick once a day ( slight exaggeration ), I am more important and more paramount to the functioning of everything.

So with everything said and done, dad finally said that he didn't care either way. Which made everything fucking mute cuz he was the ringleader with this argument but succeeded in passing me right the fuck off.

And granted, they might have had valid points but what about me? I don't want to be wrong but how can I be right when I am wrong? And I think that is where I get angry.

Yes, I probably shouldn't have drank someone else s drink based on the fact that I could get sick from it. But to make such a big deal from it. To put me down and tramp on me like that ... but maybe I am blowing things out of proportions.

I feel like the big muscle guy in Sin City. The guy who forgets or doesn t understand why he kills people. Hell, he isn't malicious about it. It just ... something that he does and might even be semi justified by it. But because he cannot exactly remember how or why he is doing it ... the whole thing gets thrown into question.

Monday, January 16, 2017

No One Understand

Too much shit has happened lately. And it isn't monumental. Just a series of small shit.

Got a girlfriend named Felicia over Monica, but obviously Felicia last until mid December where she dumped me for this random mother fucker closer to her named Calvin Smith.

I left that behind.

James suggested that I just get someone to be around. He reminded me that he used to have Cuddle Parties and Nap Dates. So I found a girl named Misti to come over to sleep. To force me to lay in bed with me and just make me stay in bed and sleep.

However, since I am in this household with other people, she now is getting attached to the people her. Making her stay more. And honestly that is also my fault because I wanted something to come out of it.

I started to get attached.

And then some real shit started happening. Like she is starting to have an opinion about my life. When she is curious, she asks questions and I answer. And I see her drift. I see her mentally look for exits. I see that she is going to leave eventually.

Just like all the others.

But it is easier. And even though it is sad, I think I am learning to feel better about people leaving.

But she said some shit yesterday to me that made me think. She says that I try to please everyone. That I try to make everyone happy. I tell her that it is strategic. That no one stays around if you cannot do what they want.

Then she couldn't get why I tried to kill myself when Jasmine told me that the thing that I focused on for 2+ years was telling me that everything I worked on and cared about didn't give 2 shits about me.

And she didn't get why that would make me want to end it all. She didn't get why I felt things were so ... hopeless and meaningless at that time.

But she didn't seem to bother to try to put herself in my shoes. Or maybe she simply can't.

I tried to explain to her what happened between myself and El, Heather and Amanda. She said she got it but honestly sometimes it is hard to explain and even harder to think anyone else could get it.

But I am starting to feel that ... maybe I need to be alone.