Monday, January 16, 2017

No One Understand

Too much shit has happened lately. And it isn't monumental. Just a series of small shit.

Got a girlfriend named Felicia over Monica, but obviously Felicia last until mid December where she dumped me for this random mother fucker closer to her named Calvin Smith.

I left that behind.

James suggested that I just get someone to be around. He reminded me that he used to have Cuddle Parties and Nap Dates. So I found a girl named Misti to come over to sleep. To force me to lay in bed with me and just make me stay in bed and sleep.

However, since I am in this household with other people, she now is getting attached to the people her. Making her stay more. And honestly that is also my fault because I wanted something to come out of it.

I started to get attached.

And then some real shit started happening. Like she is starting to have an opinion about my life. When she is curious, she asks questions and I answer. And I see her drift. I see her mentally look for exits. I see that she is going to leave eventually.

Just like all the others.

But it is easier. And even though it is sad, I think I am learning to feel better about people leaving.

But she said some shit yesterday to me that made me think. She says that I try to please everyone. That I try to make everyone happy. I tell her that it is strategic. That no one stays around if you cannot do what they want.

Then she couldn't get why I tried to kill myself when Jasmine told me that the thing that I focused on for 2+ years was telling me that everything I worked on and cared about didn't give 2 shits about me.

And she didn't get why that would make me want to end it all. She didn't get why I felt things were so ... hopeless and meaningless at that time.

But she didn't seem to bother to try to put herself in my shoes. Or maybe she simply can't.

I tried to explain to her what happened between myself and El, Heather and Amanda. She said she got it but honestly sometimes it is hard to explain and even harder to think anyone else could get it.

But I am starting to feel that ... maybe I need to be alone.