Monday, June 26, 2017

We'd Leave the Greater to Suffer for the Few

Sue is starting to actually have dreams of LaFall alive rather than dead like that night of the car wreck in August 2012. She said that she had a dream last night where everyone was on some sort of vacation and they kept changing the rooms on her after everyone got settled. After the 5th move, she got frustrated and asked why they kept moving us. They ( or Chuck ) told her that there was something in the rooms and if she stayed there for too long then she would want to stay.

So Sue, in the dream, got everyone preoccupied and started to snoop around in the room and found a closest in which she and her kids had whenever they were younger. They would use to hid in the closest when they were younger .... and Sue thoughts she heard something in this closet that magically appear.

She opens the door and LaFall jumps up. Then she asks Sue to not leave her. Then Chuck comes in and starts to pull her away from this LaFall.

Sue told me this dream she had last night ... and she told me she would leave all of us to stay with her.

Chuck and Sue translate all of that into Sue not forgiving herself for the death of LaFall. I see it that Sue is one more step closer to seeing that death is the ultimate choice to be with LaFall.

I want to be made that she would leave all of us in a heartbeat for LaFall. 6-7 ( 3 hers and 3-4 dad's depending on if she can tolerate Lynnanne or not that day )s children. 1 Husband. Friends and Family. House. Home. Better life. But obviously all of that means nothing without LaFall.

But I cannot be that angry. I would slaughter all of them if I knew I could rewind time and get my family back. If I could get back Jasmine and Xavier. When we were a good family.

Because the 'alive dream' that Sue just got, I have had ever since July 27th of 2014. Every night ... save a few.

I hope some angel or demon never comes to both me and Sue with the same offer of sacrifice to get what we truly desire. We share that pain and hurt and carry it with us every day ... but it isn't the same ... and she'll never notice.

She barely notices the change now.