Thursday, February 25, 2016

Reaching The Limit

I handle and put up with a lot. Granted, I know that technically everyone does in one way or another but I know I put myself through a lot.

Mainly in the last few years, I put myself through shit because I want to punish myself. For example ....The smoking is because I hope it kills me sooner than later ( at least that is what Spencer says ).

But there are other things that I do, not just to punish myself or to push aside certain thoughts or problems, but also out of love.

When Lynnanne kicked us out if her home, Dad ( Chuck, her dad ) picked us up. Mom ( Sue, Chuck's new wife ) agreed to take us in,  even knowing that James is a sex-crazed teenager and that Spencer is a woman hating know it all. All in all, they allowed a tornado into their home by welcoming us in.

So from day one, I forced myself to do choirs and be as helpful as I can be. Dad said that living with them would include financial responsibility but whenever Mom gets her settlement that they world help me out. Help me advance in my life. Help me potentially get a car. Even help me get my son back.

The Committee ( mainly because of my persuasion and the desperation of the situation ) agreed that helping them would be considered an investment. And it would also give us a better avenue to operate from rather than State College with Lynnanne.

I pushed myself to operates without the T.O.W. medication to better operate in T.O.W. I did everything from taking out the dogs and trash and doing laundry and cleaning dishes and the grocery and smoke runs  and fetching clothes and trash and items from around the house and the cleaning in a household of 6 people before we were introduced into it. It was tough for a lot of people. Reminded a few of us of the foster /group homes and orphanages we were all shuffled through.

I even helped dad with his actual job, calling it an internship myself but in reality it is free labor. At first the trip to Renovo was a paid gig, until Josh wrecked the family car and we had to use the company car just to get around ... in which to pay for it, my pay was paid directly back into the company as payment for using the company car as a personal car.

And because we got the company car because Josh wrecked the family car, Dad doesn't want to drive the company car in fear that he would get in trouble driving it ( for other reasons ), I end up being the personal chauffeur since the boss, Michael, trusts me so well with the car since I am such a perfect driver ( no accidents, warnings or pull overs ).

Not only work for both Mom ( at home ) and Dad ( on site ), I also am driving around the boys ( mainly Bobby and CJ ) who constantly want rides to places here and there. Sometimes to questionable places or just pick up late at night.

Not only that, as time progresses, I feel .. angrier. More upset. So many people under one roof is a lot to handle mainly because my brothers wants to interact with the people who live here ( even if some of them deny it ). But it is so much to really handle at times.

But there is no room or sanctuary for us to go to. Even the bathroom is not an option because ... well, try sharing one bathroom with so many people.

And lately, I've been frustrated with the amount of work that I do because I feel I don't get much of anything in return ... and I'm not talking about payment. I'm, more or less, referring to respect, appreciation acknowledgement or even ... idk.

Like, one day, Dad was ranting and raving about someone else complaining in how public school text books referred to slaves in the Slave-Trade as workers when the person complaining believed they should be referred to as slaves instead of workers. 

I was pointing out that close enough to a definition isn't correct. Call something what it is because changing of the terminology is changed everything else. Dad was saying that they worked. I replied that workers get paid and could choose to quit at anytime. Slaves could quit but it was a lot more of a permanent termination.

I asked dad to define my free work for dad's actual company and the company he works for and the extra work I do around the house. Then he made a comment that he refers to me as a slave and that killed me a little. But I had to smile and chuckle because he could have been joking or something. Or, hell, I could have heard wrong ... but I don't think I did.

I just feel so ... crappy lately.

And tonight, Dad had to head into the office because everyone else who was suppose to be there was sick so we all went with him. Mom wanted to go shopping and James wanted to help her look for bras and honestly, I wanted to check out some airsoft weapons and accessories and such and Josh mentioned that he wanted to go to Barnes & Nobles so Michael was all about that.

So James got to go shopping with Mom and I got to check out some guns that I want to get at the Wal-Mart near Dad's work. Tobias saw a game that he said that we could play together. Something called - Destiny. Michael loved the name and Tobias said we could play together and maybe that we all could make a character and play and stuff. I didn't know much about it but from what I saw, I doubt that Spencer would want something like that as part of my regular regimen but Dad has been trying to tell me to start doing stuff just for fun ... and it has been a long while since we all had a good adventure. It might be worth a group play with US brothers.

But the price tag was 60$. I told Tobias that it was too much but he asked and begged Mom anyways. And with Tobias came Michael asking and begging. I opened up my GameStop app to check to see if GameStop had it at a cheaper pricetag. I found a cheaper pre-owned version without all the DLC for 10$.

By now, we moved on to the next store - Barnes & Nobles. Michael's 3rd favorite store to go to - says him, but he's senile and can't keep track of the numbers.

In B&N, he was like a kid again. Looking from manga to comics ( since he can't really read ) with wide youthful eyes. He recognized a few things that he thought I would like. They were very similar to the simulations Spencer makes me do to guage my problem solving and critical thinking capabilities as well as reflexes