Sunday, February 12, 2012

Important Questions

Jasmine’s Question:
“How do you feel and react when you found out you had conceived a baby?”

Honestly, Jasmine woke me up in the middle of the night all excited, exclaiming that the pregnancy test was positive. I was still waking up. I was weighting out whether I was still sleeping or have I woken up yet. I cannot say I was numb. I cannot say that I was excited or scared or disappointed. I think, at the moment, I accepted it and ran through the primary scenarios of where this will take me and smiled.

I guess it is still something that blows my mind. I know that there is a huge responsibility here and it isn’t one that can be declined. So since I found out, I’ve made sure that every move make is towards the family my consequences created. I know it might sound like I feel that I am stuck with a burden or an unwanted / undesired situation but … see it from this angle. ‘FATE RARLY CALLS UPON US AT A MOMENT OF OUR CHOOSING’ This is a pure example of that. Obviously a chain of events have lead me on this road that I wasn’t really aware I was on. But I know I am on it now and I preparing as I go on this adventure with Jasmine.

My Own Question:
“How do I feel about being a father?”

I suppose the more and more that it settles in my mind, I feel more and more terrified. Everyone tells me that I would make a great father but how often do other’s expectations of me fall through? More times than I like honestly. So I try and try and try to make myself not just a guy who seems like a good dad.

I don’t remember having an actual father or an actual family but I was raised by many people. I have seen the best and the worse of different families. There are fathers and mothers who people say that they are raising their kids and family right but under the roof and behind the doors are hells and torment. Family members who dislike themselves and each other. Who struggle with the ideal of what it means to be a family. To truly raise a family as a responsibility and not just another toy to play with or something to do.

I see mothers who let their kid disappear for hours on end. I see fathers who curse their mother, the world, their life, their own freakin kids in front of their own friend kids. I see fathers who would rather spend time with other people MORE SO THAN their own family. I see parents who only want babies but when their babies grow they no longer want them and they get pregnant again to take care of another baby. Trust me when I have seen the worse of people. The way that they say, “I love my children and I’ll do anything for them” but they don’t just fall short of their own expectations but they never really seem to try.

I hate those kind of people. With all my heart, I do.

So I do not want to be those kinda people. I want to be the person that will easily sacrifice myself for my family. To put myself in the best position to be helpful to my family. To put my own family before my self AND THAT INCLUDES MY OWN FEARS AND FAILURES!

I look at my own short comings and I try to destroy them for the sake of my family. I have to be the best I can be to be the best for my family so my family can in turn be the best they can be as well. But with that I have to be careful too. I don’t want to push too hard. Sometimes the best of intentions and create hell on earth. Luckily I have Jasmine to help me to keep calm and to relax at times ( something that I tend to have problems with doing lol ).

Alright, so I can see why people would say that I would make a great dad. But as the saying goes ‘WORDS, PROMISES AND GOOD WISHES DO NOT AMOUNT TO ACTION!’ I shouldn’t lax in my pursuit in being the best father and husband to my family. A lot of hard work is in store for me and in such a small period of time. No room for error now. Gotta give it my all!