Monday, March 19, 2012

Self Worth

I have been trying to deal with the concept of self worth. I think it has been an underlining of my motivation in the past few years. Trying to define what self worth means to me and how to change it.

Sometimes, I find myself judging my self worth by what other people say. Other people say what they see so in turn, it ends up being a good indicator of what a person is. Granted, this way isn't always fail proof. I struggle with this daily ... what people think of me.

For the most part, I feel that I do what needs to be done. People who don't like me either don't know me and hate me for being black or are mad or jealous that we part ways. Kind of a self centered and self raising way of thinking but I am seeing that. The problem with that thinking is when one compares the good with the bad and the bad wins. If more people say bad things then good. And if the good people are thinking bad things but aren't telling you.

Looking into the mirror, it changes with the switches. Some days I feel very confident and other days I feel completely hopeless. My self worth changes with the level of support from my U.S. agency assistance. Without them I am not sure where I would be here.

But each day, I try to claw myself through the muck. I try to get somewhere on my own. I appreciate the help but I work hard to do most of it myself.

But when your self worth is taken from you, when you are told that you are not worth the effort, you feel that you aren't clawing but quirming instead.

This is something I have to work on.