Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Deeper Into My Agoraphobia

It is almost 3:00 in the morning and my mind is completely racing at a hundred miles per hours here. Thinking about how I hate how people behave and how I should treat them vs how I want to treat them.

Like how I hate it when people say they’ll do something for you and later on they pull the bullshit of saying, “Oh I saw I ‘might’ help you” or they said that they said “maybe” mess. It has happened to me too many times than I would like. Once with this douchebag that said that he’d help with our rent when we needed some help financially, saying that he said he ‘might’ help us out but had us believe that he was going to help us.

Another time is when this female friend of mine said that she was gonna bring over some software material. She kept saying that she was gonna bring it over the next day or whenever she was in town and time kept moving on and she wouldn’t come over. She would have some excuse or she’d move it til the next day. I wasn’t too worried about it at first until New Year’s Eve when she said that she’ll see if she could drop it off but something happened where she couldn’t. I completely get that and she said that she’d bring it down the next day. Well, this time I actually waited and prepared for her to come over. Cleaned the house so it was presentable to guests and not dressed up as the hobo I tend to dress up as when I am home by myself. Did she show? No! Did she show up or text the rest of the week? No! Did she show or text for the next three weeks? Nope! She just dropped off the face of the world.

I remember when I … had to take a trip and I left my stuff with someone I thought I could trust. When I came back I tried to contact them to get my stuff back but they have moved and have gotten new numbers, so my stuff is and has been forever lost. Part of my history of me, that I will never get back, is God knows where.

People in general disappoint me. Constantly. Even the small number of people that I know tends to periodically disappoint me from time to time. And it isn’t just that! It is the lying and the gossiping and the avoidance and the superiority that makes me sick to my stomach.

I used to be able to handle this. I used to be able to have my own way to combat people’s stupidity by just going on my own way and doing my own thing but I can’t do that anymore. Not now that I am a father. I swore to myself I wouldn’t be that man. That I wouldn’t be the man that deep down I hated to see his reflection of. I didn’t want my son to grow under the thumb of a tyrant or a dictator.

My anger sometimes gets the better of me. I try not to allow myself to get so angry. I try not to let other people have that much power over me. But in the same action, I do fear to go outside. A type of phobia if you will, that people will actually work against me. Not that I am that super important ( even though I believe that everyone is secretly important ) but everyone is the center of someone’s attention even for a moment. 

And sometimes that can be negative.

People at their worst and scariest can be very terrifying. I see the history books of mistake after mistake of humanity. I read comic books, books designed for children, where prejudice and ignorance and closed-mindedness are the core of many story arcs. Why? Because that is the harsh reality of it all.

But I am still stuck. What do I do? I don’t want my son to grow up that way either. I suppose that is why I love my outgoing wife so much. She makes up for what I lack. But at the same time, I know that I have to work on my Agoraphobia for my son’s sake. At least to the point of where he needs to go outside supervised.

I know I have a lot of work to do to get used to the world as a whole since the world isn’t going to change its views. I just have to … take it one step at a time.