Sunday, February 2, 2014

The Passing of a Legacy

Philip Seymour Hoffman died today at the age of 46. Most will remember his face from popular movies such as Big Lebowski, MoneyBall, Mission Impossible 2 and more recently Hunger Games: Catching Fire. I read his passing on my facebook newsfeed. I doubt I would have seen it on anything else since he isn t a Brad Pitt or Morgan Freeman or even a Will Smith but like with Paul Walker's passing, it hit close to home.

I thought this actor was extremely gifted at making you feel what he wanted you to feel about the characters he would portray. He made his mark on the movies he was in even though he wasn't a huge name by mainstream standards.  

More and more, people's faces that I recognize are dying. These people mean something to me because they have influenced how I view the world and in turn has me think about how the world views me.

Lately, I have been ... slacking. I have let my physique and my hygiene go a little more than I should. Masking it in the guise that I dislike the world because I feel that world dislikes me so why should I bother. I stay in my apartment all day, fearing the moments that I have to venture out into the real world and face thier looks of rejection and ridicule.

Because of the revised parameters of Project NJS, I feel trapped in a way. I have created this environment that I have to live in, in order to keep a form of status quo/normality within myself. Breaking this routine or this path could end up being disastrous even if it means that my own idea for my own legacy must die with it.

Sometimes, I catch myself cracking under the pressure of it all. Of having to sit and play this role or lose everything in an attempt of normality. Even trying to gradually ease myself into another lifestyle would potentially destroy everything that has been built up-to this very moment.

Is this my legacy? Trapping myself in a self created world? Maybe I should start trying to figure out how to get out of this and move onto the next thing I have for myself.

If only I knew how ...