What I Am Responsible For

I cannot pinpoint what day this happened. In the past 30 days I am sure.

It had something to do with me and mom arguing again. I am sure he won't remember. He barely remembers much of anything that is actually important. Where he leaves things. Appointments that he has. Work schedules or even events that isn't work related.

Whilst spitting some "holier, wiser, smart and better than thou" bullspit, he goes "no wonder your wife left". He said it so quickly and moved on to the next thing he was bitching/griping/complaining about something ( yes it started with me and mom debating or potentially bumping heads about something ).

Like I said, he probably won't ever remember saying it or if he does, he'll half-assly say he 'very well might have said it', or something weak like that.

This is where he is. He is always right. Even when he is wrong he is right. He angers me so much. He disgusts me so much. Not before, but when Simon showed me how manipulative he is, especially to those in the house, I want to puke when I think about it all.

So why am I still here. Why didnt I leave then when he said what he said ( obviously to hurt me )?

Sue, Tyler and Nakoma.
Because of L ... LaFall. It is the least I can do for what happened. What I am responsible for.

I am the NoBody that gets Blamed for Everything

I hate living with people. Why? Because of my morale and personal ethic, I do a lot. I see something needs to be done, I tend to do it unless someone else can do it better or I am busy with something else.

However, in this household, Dad ( Chuck ) finds it comical to say that random things are my fault. He finds it funny. But it is funny at my expense. Hence why I find it annoying ... and another reason I hate living with people.

1 other person, very doable, especially when I pick them through a list of candidates. But not a bunch of people with so many different personalities, needs, wants and agendas.

So it is annoying that when something is done wrong and I am involved, not to hate the idea that I am involved in situation that I originally had nothing to do with. Some of that is my fault. The ones I volunteer myself for, completely my fault. The ones that I am recruited to handle, I get pissed when it is only given to me because no one else wants the responsibility. And that includes the person that it is centered around.

Case in point, Josh had work today. Dad asked me about his work schedule. Honestly, I couldn't remember cleanly ( or quickly enough for dad ) to be confident about his answer. Also, since I was in the middle of something else, I am sure that he would have wanted me to go to Josh ( who sleeps until his clock in time ) and ask him, which I hate doing because Josh in the morning makes me want to throw him into the Pit.

Well, luckily for me today, Dad went to ask him and found out that there was a conflict in the schedule. So he recruited me to find Josh a ride ... to his work ... which is about 8 - 10 blocks away. But I went through the assets I have but I do not have any last minute assets set up. Most I ask a few days a head of time. So most of them were either at work already or to have them drive all the way here just to drive Josh 8 - 10 blocks ( and no gas money mind you ) would not only be foolish but also a waste of time.

I ended up asking CJ to find someone. He said that Brandon's friend could do it but we didn't know that until dad had to drive back and pick up Josh for work. CJ even came back to drop off Sadie's fucking dog but couldn't send a text message or leave a note about Brandon being able to do the 10 block drive.

Yet, I get grilled and hassled about knowing and not knowing and getting information wrong and shit. Oh gawd, when they talk like that in front of me ( or even behind my back and I overheard ) I swear I'd burn them all alive if Protocol S wasn't in place.

I am just getting tired of dealing with people ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And I hate even more that I have to deal with other people's bullshit and crap.

And Mom ( Sue ) always asks me why I want to move out?!

I barely own the area I sleep in. And it is annoying. Simon says that they are gonna want everything that they ever gave me back. Saying that they only let me use it. But honestly, I am getting to the point where that will be ok with me.Very few things are keeping me here.

Like L ... and the promise I made to her after what happened.
And Nakoma ... damn imprint

Worse Christmas Ever

So Christmas Day, I was kind of excited.  I got the following people things:

Dad ( Charles ):
 -  car radio ( which included radio, adapter and placement plate ) ( ~80$ )
 - cup ( "hard to be nice when it is fun to be naughty" ) ( ~5$ )

Mom ( Sue ) :
 - Season 7 of SuperNatural ( ~ 5$ )
 - Twilight Behind the Scenes Book ( ~5$ )

Bobby:
 - NeverWinter Nights ( ~10$ )
 - 5 KickAss Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Diablo 2 ( ~10$ ) ( almost a gift from my brother Daniel from several years  ago: sentimental value )
 - Steam Gift Card ( ~20$ )

CJ:
 - GameStop Gift Card ( ~25$ )

Tyler:
 - Devil May Cry HD Pack: DMC 1, 2 and 3 ( ~13$ )

Nakoma:
 - Care Bears Movie ( ~5$ )
 - Cartoon Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Viva Pinta XBox 360 Game ( ~15$ )

Josh:
 - Star Trek KeyChain ( ~5$ )
 - Gears of War 1-3? ( ~10-20$ )


So I spent a pretty penny for Christmas for everyone. But I really don't care for the money. That is kind of expected when it comes to Christmas. However, when I started to take pictures of people with their gifts on Christmas, Dad got on my case, saying that he doesn't want these pictures up.

Then CJ made the comment saying that why would anyone want to post pictures for people they don't know to see. Fuck him! I know all those people that I put on my Facebook and they seem to care more than his fucking ass. The only thing that he seems to care about is if I can drive him to see his drug dealer. Other than that, the little fuck gives no fucks.

I mean ... How dare they? How dare they say these things after everything I went through. After everything I continue to go through. Not just me but with them. The financial responsibilities and the effort I put into this family that seems to ... I don't know how they ... who they think I am?

I have no pictures of my life of prior to me coming out of jail. I have no pictures of the 'prior's' lives before me. Pictures of Theodore and Michael and Guy and Chris and James and Spencer and anyone else ... their families ... their existence ... their lives ... as if they didn't matter.

Dad said a while ago, because of something that he didn't and couldn't understand, that I was a liar. He even told our boss, MY BOSS, that I was a liar and everything I say is a lie. He never could understand the struggle and suffering I have been through alone for United Separation.

But I have trusted him many times. Given him money for services and trusted him to pay for things later when I give him money now ... and every time he has let me down. Forgotten and spent the money on other things.

And Josh, thinking he knows shit about my life. Time and time again, I listen to him when he needs an ear and time and time again I bail him out of situations with Sue and Chuck and time and time again, I have to deal with his drivel and his "I know it all" and "I am superior" attitude because Michael enjoys him and his company and conversation. Even though when I confide in him about anything ( things ranging from me moving out from Lynnanne's place to asking him to vouch for me about the XBox I paid HIM for ) he lets me down by 'snitching' ( to Lynnanne about me moving ) and 'forgetting' or not giving enough of a shit about  ( when it came to the XBox ).

And why do I do all of that? Because of what James did? Because of Michael and his foolish ideals of trusting people?

When he went to jail and I tried to get his 'then' girlfriend to do anything, she did nothing and I felt his resentment at me for it. Even now after they have 'broken up', no apologies and no ... reassurance. And he continues to bitch and complain about everything when he owes so much.  He has wrecked both my car ( PT Cruiser - Alice )  and Sue's Durago. They have been in the red to keep him out of jail while they willing let me go in and sit.

But oh, not josh. Never Josh. Their ex-son in law. Their ex-son in law that they let sit in his room all day while I get up early mornings to take care of chores and run people around.

And Sue?! Always complaining about me to others and never wanting to talk to me. Even though I have given her the connection of son and mom ( foolishly it seems ) and even when I let her and James ... someone whom he claims is her 'bestie' ( whateverthefuck that means ), she still complains that we do not spend enough time.

Does she understand when we are not with her then we are running errands for her husband?! Does she understand that most nights I leave her at 9-9.30 and don't get back until like 5-6? And to what? Assholic kids ( siblings ) and adults ( parents ) who do not even know how to begin to understand?

Sadly enough the only one who seems to remotely get it is Nakoma ...

And not only that ... the proof of my life, with Jasmine and Xavier ... I miss my family. My family that no longer exists anymore. And yet ... I think about them constantly. Their ghost haunts me. Reminds me of what I have missed and what I no longer can have.

Is this hell? Did I succeed July 27th 2014?

Felicia left me and as much as that hurt, I found it a personal success that I am getting over it without incident. Especially with this crappy ass support system of people who doubt me and oppress me and put me down. They think I am better here?! Really?

Worst
Christmas
Ever

Being Quite about Josh's Lazy and Ungrateful Behavior

Josh has been living here since the beginning of the year. And it has always been something. Mom always complains about him but she sits with him and mindlessly watches TV with him and dad on a daily. There are times that dad will surpass him and all the way upstairs or break in the middle of my stream to ask me to do something. Like rotate the damn dogs ( I don't even like dogs ), or to take out the trash ( cuz the boys blow him off ) or to make him tea cuz he is too lazy to ask Josh to do it. Or maybe they have some sort of pact going. I don't know.

But mom would complain about him constantly. Say that he smells. Or that he doesn't do much of anything. Or that he feels entitled to certain things.

I tell her to talk to him about it but she won't because she knows she'll blow up at him.

I have been talking to Monica for a while and I have been telling her that she has to tell people how she feels. She fears conflict and I understand that. Conflict sucks and it is scary but for the chance for something better through communication, it is worth it.

But here is Josh, someone whom I have heard him talk about me behind my back ( he claims in jest ) and someone is feels he is entitled to watch tv shows and.get the Xbox or a room or a couch or anything like that, that pisses me off ... and yet I don't talk to him about how he talks down to me and Michael or how he feels that other people should work to make his life easier.

He wrecked my car, Alice, while I was in jail. He did! Yes, under the order of Lynn but regardless he should be held responsible. But I know I will never see that money. Especially on a waitress's paycheck. He has problems paying for clothes for freaking work ... or his fines.

And not only that, he wrecked mom's car too. The one day I couldn't drive him cuz James wanted to an old friend, Stephanie and her kid ( hated that weekend ). One of the parents were suppose to have picked him up but instead let him drive himself. The one night ( and one night alone ) he drove the family car, he wrecked it.

And now he sleeps on the couch in the living. Mom.complains that he bitches whenever something is too loud ... But it is a god damn living room. Life happens there. So the fact that he sleeps wheel into noon. So virtually no one can make much noise in the morning to get ready for much of anything.

And we were gonna put him in the attic since Bobby left and it was one thing after another. There wasn't tba bed up there. My mentioned that the boss's wife might have one but weeks and months past without.mom.calling and asking her if she had one we.could use. Then, since I got tired of not knowing and mom complaining about the smell josh was leaving behind in Nakoma's room since.he was staying there.momentarily, I took it upon myself to ask her and put the damn thing in the car myself and take it home.

He helped move it upstairs ... where we saw the mess that Bobby left up there after he moved. Trash everywhere. Broken computer components. Things he has taken from Nakoma and others in the house and claimed that he never saw. It was gross and disgusting.

I helped.clean it up and told Josh he was responsible for taking care of the clean-up of the room if he wanted it. That was sometime in the summer. For weeks, he wouldn't even phantom the idea of going up there. He claimed it's too hot. So I went to the auction and acquired a few fans. One being the perfect size for the attic window. Weeks continued to go. Still nothing. No action. And the day I brought it up to him, he raised his voice with me and copped an attitude about being tired and having to ask Mom or Dad about it even though I told him that I talked to them about it prior because they told me to talk to him about it.

Then days later flipped the story to make me sound like a crazy person when he thought I was not within ear shot.

But I got tired of sharing a room with Tyler ... well, Tyler's stuff since he now sleeps next door but leaves his stuff here. But I have no privacy. Stuff keeps missing and i wake up to CJ suddenly in my room, claiming to be looking for Tyler ( who he knows is mostly on the other side of the duplex  ... where CJ himself lives! ). Even dad just opens the door. At least mom and Nakoma ( and yes even Josh ) respects me enough to knock before entering.

So one day ( last week ) I got bored and annoyed and I cleaned the attic completely and.moved things around. And then I realized that I put more work into that room than anyone else did. Especially Josh.

But then mom and Josh started to complain that the insulation were bare and that it wouldn't be safe because Bobby supposedly got "scabies" from the exposed insulation. So last weekend, in used trash bags and wallpaper to cover up as much as I could.

I figures it would work out because with Josh on the couch mom feels comfortable having to tiptoe in her own house because Josh sleeps in the living room until noon and then takes over the TV ( her words ). I figured if I move upstairs then Josh can have the room Tyler no longer sleeps in with me.

Then mom and dad came up with Nakoma actually getting Tyler s room instead of Josh since Nakoma has more stuff ( sarcastic: and since she obviously deserves it ) and Josh can move into Nakoma's old room since he doesn't t have much.

But he has the balls to say that he feels comfortable on the couch and feels he doesn't need to move when dad asked him about it. He even said that moving before Nakoma's stuff was moved would be a waste of time. Then dad looks at me ( as if it is my responsibility ) and says that I gotta figure out how to move Tyler's, Nakoma's stuff and the crap in the room around.

This is ridiculous! Does Josh even deserve my loyalty? Anything I ever told him, he ran to Lynnanne and told her! Ever when she kicked me out of my room to make room for that bitch ( whose name I have forgotten out of anger ... no! It is Bridget! Her name is Bridget ... Da Bitch ) and then promised to give me the basement ... which is the usual bullshit lie that ended up with me moving into another room of Bobby's. He was silent then. He was silent when Lynnanne kicked me out for wanting to go to the Theory of a DeadMan's concert. She never stands for anything.

So why am I even dealing with this? Because of James and his fuck up! Because James never learned to leave well enough alone. But no one deserved to them what happened to me ... and no one deserves what happened to Josh with Lynnanne. So I am stuck to try to repay a debt to a man who probably doesn't even know ... which kills me.

This is bullshit. This is all bullshit. But it is my fault. It is my fault because I should communicate how much bullshit it is. I even fucking agree with it.

I hate this vessel and I hate the rampancy that is making me feel this way. Making me so these things. These leftover pieces of ... fuck if I know.

I hate it all.

And I am starting to hate them all too.

Just Human

I know I complain a lot on this thing and that isn't completely fair. I mean, I know that I love them because when I needed someone they were here. And even though CJ pisses me off, I do love the shit outta him. Bobby too! Nakoma at times too ( probably because I don't do well with kids ). Tyler is kind of my favorite in my house next to Mom ( Sue ). Tyler's habit is the only thing that annoys me about him. And Mom allows herself to think negatively about herself because she is a woman or something like that. I try not to think too hard about it. But honestly, they are all human. And I have to accept them as such. Humans with character flaws and faults. Hell, I have problems so shouldn't I be more understanding?

I am losing it. I am losing everything mentally. Patience. Understanding. Caring. I am losing it all.

Dad has told me that Bobby, CJ, Tyler, Nakoma, Mom and even Dad himself, are all versions of my actual brothers that I still work with.

Nakoma – Tobias ( my 6 y/o nephew )
Bobby – Spencer
CJ - James

Tyler – Michael ( most related to )
Dad – Seth ( minus the actions )
Mom - … well, she doesn't relate to anyone

So living here shouldn't be too hard, right? I don't know why but it is. It is hard to constantly having to deal with their shit and dealing with my brothers at the same time.
Last night, CJ got a text when he came home around 2 in the morning from some chick named Fawn who was visiting a friend whom she had some late night conflict with and was stranded in the next town over and needed a place to stay for the weekend.

If it were me … I would take her in for the weekend she needed. I wouldn't ask or expect anything but I would help with the idea that she is going to leave. Potential asset or just the good deed for the month. But I would have. Now though? If I was living by myself … I probably wouldn't have answered her text. Especially at 2 in the morning. I would have rolled over and gone back to sleep. Possibly deleted the message so that my brothers wouldn't have come across it.

I worry because:

• Spencer hates women. Especially ones that don't over anything immediately.
• James would try to sleep with her ( regardless of age, sex or creed )
• Michael would have tried to convince her that her 'inner power' was worth exploring
• Tobias would have been shy but would have tried to 'mom' or 'big sister' her
• and Seth … well, we won't talk about what he would have done

Honestly, it is exhausting, frustrating and draining to deal with that innerly. But I have more pull with that than I do with this family that I am living with. I am not a fundamental part of this family. I am an addition. If I am to leave ( or to be kicked out ) the family would revert back to the life they had before. Obviously, financially things would be different ( until the 26^th of the month ) but they would find a way to close the gap that my extra, not essential, finances brought in. And the memories they had that included me would be there but that would fade too as all else.

That is different from what I am used to with my actual brothers. Sometimes, we fight and what not. With me it does tend to get physical ( because I am bad on everything else ). But I know that we are the highest authority to us! There isn't calling the cops or telling anyone “oh he hit me” or even long time repercussion or retaliation for the fighting or arguing.

Here, I could be kicked out, I could be reported ( and break probation ) … a series of other things. Things other people have not just done to me but to my brothers as well. And if they do tend to let a fight or two ( it wouldn't stop at two ) slide, I would either have to leave on my own accord or I will feel indebted to them but being such a inconvenience.

So no matter how much they say otherwise … they are just human.

My Weekend Part II

So around 8pm, James was like, "Dude, this is pathetic. Let's go out, have some fun. You know, that thing you don't do, called socialize."


I was reluctant at first but Dad mentioned something today about letting my brothers express themselves more and being more social myself. And it so happen that Kayla and Michelle wanted us to hang out again after the last time was such a blast. Besides, I could ask to spend the night and I can take care of seeing Sam ( my PO officer ) the next day and get that out of the way before I get reported for noncompliance.


So I went upstairs to pack while James showered. On the way out there Dad wanted to play a million questions ( mostly to poke fun at it ) and Nakoma physically latched herself to my leg so that I wouldn't leave. I told everyone my plans ( leaving James to keep quite about whatever he wanted to do ) and in the mist of it all, somewhat of an argument ensued. Kayla and Melissa arrived and I virtually ran out the door to avoid losing the small cool I had left ... forgetting a jacket and my phone charger.


While driving, Kayla and Melissa said that I could stay but that I had to leave at 6 in the morning because then everyone would be doing their own stuff and since I am a new friend I couldn't just stay at their house alone, which was completely reasonable. However, that meant that I had to try to find someone else to hang with until my 8pm appointment.


Well, since I was focused on my thing, I wasn't very sociable. Matter of fact, I might have been more of a dick then initially intended when my attention was requested. So Melissa said that she was dropping me and Kayla off her Kayla's house since I no longer seemed like the "ray of sunshine" as before. James complained a little but I didn't care. Less people and less annoyance, really.


Well, we got dropped off and James and Kayla hung out while I worked on trying to find someone I knew that knew me and actually still lived in the area. I figured that Tammy could help me out but her boyfriend was around and it would looked bad if we just showed up. A few other people were just like "no" and others just didn't bother to reply. One was like, "If you can get 'candy' ( weed ) and then maybe you can". That last person was Jennifer G. I was disgusted and pissed and ... started to scrape the bottom of the barrel.


My ex-girlfriend Chasity said that she might be able to do it, if mom ( her mom but her mom loves me enough to call me son ) would be willing to wake up that early. That was okay but I needed a back up plan. Luckily shortly after that, Brandi and Matt messaged me back saying that they wouldn't have a problem with me coming in in the morning and staying with them until my appointment.


That helped me sleep better.


I woke up a little before 6 and went upstairs to use the bathroom. Kayla and James were no where to be seen. Walking into the bathroom I saw an array of clothing all over the place. Some of them were mine. I guess that James must have worn my clothes prior to leaving. There was blood on the boxers. A lot of it. I could only imagine how it got there as I vomited in the toilet. I went down and got a small trash bag to wrap the bloody clothes into and collected the other articles of my clothes from the floor.


Then I woke up James and which woke up Kayla and then she says we have to leave because her mother was coming home ... and her mother does not like either of us. So he showered ( I didn't ask ) and I found everything that we brought with us and tried to erase our existence there. We left and started walking towards the rendezvous a few blocks away to be picked up by Matt.


Matt picked us us in the Subaru that he has been trying to sell me for 3k. Wouldn't be such a bad idea if I didn't hear from others that he is laughing behind our back about how it is barely staying intact. That it wasn't worth 1k but with the extra money he was gonna get a truck or something. As nice as a Subaru as it looks on the outside, the fact that he tried to pull one over my eyes pisses me off. I'd blow him off if it wasn't for Brandi, his fiance.


Brandi ... well, she is another story all together for another time.


I came to their house and James went to sleep upstairs and I stayed on the couch but soon passed out on the couch. When I woke up, it was just Brandi and Izzy and Izzy was running around being a kid. It was hard to look at Izzy because Izzy and Xavier used to play together a lot and ... well, memories filled my head. So I talked to Brandi, trying hard not to think about the things that I absolutely love about her.


I remember when Jasmine first left, that I got surprisingly really close to Brandi, There was this one time I got low, like really low, and she was there and saved me. We shared a moment there that we both knew that it was but ... just didn't act on it. I was still stuck on Jasmine and she had Matt. And then when I got arrested she came to visit me and ... it killed me and saved me both at the same time.


So it was a struggle to be so close to her and to just ... sit there and talk. Not like we have really done anything else other than that but it was still ... there.


But we did. We talked about our old support group and told her a little of what was going on with me at the time. We talked about how things have changed since back then and how things need to change now. We were hinting at something without coming near to it.


Then we talked about ... how I remembered Xavier when I saw Izzy. Luckily, I don't remember Jasmine directly because she was never really around whenever Izzy was over for a play date but ... remembering Xavier still hurt because I haven't seen him in two years. She seemed to sympathize but by that point I closed everything out to keep my head. She was just Brandi then. Not the woman I loved after Jasmine or the woman who saved me. Just some woman across from me whose name is Brandi who had 3 children and a fiance who is trying to sell me a crap car.


After our talk, I went upstairs too find something else to do. Something that didn't involve people. I found Matt's XBox and tried to play some Max Payne 3 but the disc was missing. Actually, with the games he had, almost every disc he had had the vital disc I needed was missing. I eventually got on his Xbox and played a simulation that was already on the hard drive. I was doing well with it, adapting with plans not failing the mission.


Eventually, Matt came home and we went to a smoke run. When we came back, it was about thirty minutes until my appointment. Gave Tammy a call because I convinced her to give me a ride home even though her boyfriend was in town. At that point, I didn't care about the "ripples". I had to get home because I couldn't stay in Clearfield area any longer. It was starting to make me physically ill ... and I was starting to get antsy looking out the window looking for the "right people".

She was late picking me so I just barely made my appointment and I quickly did what needed to be done and left. I think they were annoyed that I was cutting it close.

The drive one was ... interesting. We talked. We did more than talk ... but not much more. Got home at almost record time ( yea, process that ). But we talked about her boyfriend and what is right ( and wrong ) with him and what she keeps getting confused with concerning me. I stick around her for Tyra because I care about Tyra and I miss her and want to be a good role model to her but being in a relationship with Tammy would be ... well, it would be a lot of headache really for both of us. So we talked about that and she ended up sticking with her boyfriend.

I really need to figure out what I am doing here. I am cutting things close and putting myself through more heartache and headache than necessary. The new year is coming and change has to come with it.

My Weekend Part 1

So, I was suppose to see Candi again on Saturday. We even planned for a week for this because I didn't want anything to go wrong this time around. She said that she had some things to do in the morning but that she would leave around 2pm for the 3 hour drive. Mom and Dad went to a company Christmas Party that I passed up to see Candi. Nakoma went to hang out with her cousins, Tyler left with Bon to do what they do and CJ and Bobby had a friend over and they were gonna be upstairs. I was gonna have Candi to myself to talk, watch movies and ... "stuff". She would see me on Saturday so I could introduce her to the folks when they got home and she would spend the night and then on Sunday spend time with her daughters, then come back until she left Monday morning.

Well, I texted her in the morning and everything seemed to still be the plan so when 2pm came and went without a "I'm out the door and on my way" message, I did not worry much ... until 6pm came and she wasn't here. I thought the worst and sent her a text message. She replied after like 15 minutes saying she was just leaving the door.

Okay, I am sure that whatever she was doing just took a lot longer than expected. No worries. As long as she is still okay and coming down, right?

In the next three hours, I cleared up the kitchen and finished 95% of the laundry, swept and picked up the carpeted living room ( because the broom got out my frustrations ), made everything not smell like dog ( which is a trade secret that people are seriously willing to kill for ) and re-showered and put on some of my nicest ( and most flattering ) clothes,.

So around 9pm, I sent her another text message, asking her if she was okay. Maybe she was in a car wreck or fell asleep at the wheel or something. I was getting worried ... again. She replied back that she was in traffic and it would take longer than she expected. She said she was in Halifax. 2 and a half hours away. Disappointed by not defeated, I kept my hopes up.

Nakoma came home because Emily was being a bully by locking her in the clothes because Nakoma didn't do what she wanted her to do.

So Nakoma and I ate some homemade ( prison taught ) Ramon Noodles and we played Tales from the Borderlands ( I played she gave suggestions to the choices ). Mom and Dad came home and asked where my friend was. Sadly, I said, that she probably isn't coming over, and then immediately launched myself into what they have been doing for the past 7 hours. They helped prep the company party and did some Christmas shopping and got most of the things on the list before actually going to the party. Since the council consisted of all three of us, so even though I wasn't there, I wanted to make sure the things I wanted the boys and Nakoma to get was purchased.

After that, we all watched some TV, where I passed out around ... 11? I woke up around 1 thinking "crap! she could have called or texted and I missed it! She probably went home if I didn't answer." Checked my phone and there was no message ... at all, call or otherwise.

Depression started to actually really set in. I had to talk to someone so I started talking to my platonic soulmate, Katelyn. See, Katelyn ( if you read the the last few times I wrote about potentially seeing Candi ) told me not to give up and not to compare her ( and every other woman ) like she is Jasmine. I have to give them a chance and not be so harsh, she said.

So when I told Kay ( short for Katelyn ) everything and she asked, "Isn't this like the 4th or 5th time she has been a no-show?" I reply, "Something like that."

I was kind of shocked that she replied, "She's a shitbag. Block her number. Go to bed."

I told her I will go to bed but I ( because I am stupid beyond belief ) stayed a wake. Around 2am, she texted me that she just got to her mom's house 30 minutes away and that she was exhausted and that she will see me tomorrow.

I ... I got ... I wasn't happy. Not even in the slightest. So I wrote back that I am glad that she is safe and that she should stay there and have a good weekend ... and then I passed out. Woke up and nothing new until closer to the afternoon where she was like, I understand that you are upset but if you want me to come over let me know.

I replied, "You know my address, come if you want". But I didn't rearrange my schedule or tell anyone to expect someone. I worked on the computer so that US would have a terminal here in T.O.W. since the laptop is gone in the wind ( because of Lynnanne ).

You know this ain't ...

So, yesterday, Candi was suppose to come down from Camp Hill. We talked about it and she said the latest she would leave her place would be around 2-3 pm. Magnum was hosting a party for their employee and even though I am not officially on their payroll, I have done a lot of work with Dad so they invited me to socialize and bump elbows with the other employees of the company.

But I wanted to actually hang out with Candi, and since it is 3 hours from where he is to where I am and Mom and Dad were leaving around 2-3 pm to prep for the party at 7 pm, I felt I had plenty of time to get showered and dressed, clean up the living areas of the room and finish the choirs I got and herd the boys where they would be comfortable and out of the way.

Estimated time of arrival, 5-6 pm. However, 6:30pm I text her asking if she was okay and she replied that she was and she was heading out the door now.

Really? But hey, things happened. She told me that she was going Christmas Shopping prior so I can kind of understanding that things at malls and whatnot probably didn't go according to plan. Hell, my other friend, Kayla, said she was going to go Christmas Shopping today for 6 hours to get everyone on her list on one day but that it was kinda crazy today so she didn't even bother.

So, I kept myself busy. Mom and Dad were gone doing their own Christmas shop and help prep for the party so they were gone, Tyler were in and out with Bon, Bobby and CJ had a girl over and they are ... I don't know. Or really care. They were out of my hair and I already got a earful from Spencer about the little fight he had with Dad about Spencer working on his own computer. Longer story in another post probably on his WordPress ( ProfSimonSpencer) I am sure.

So, all around, I was annoyed and getting mad so I started getting things done . Laundry, dishes, sweeping and cleaning and trying to get Bobby to help with the computer (to appease both Spencer and Dad) but he was too busy with his guest so that one task kind of crawled. Spencer in my ear telling me that people time and time again will let us go and depending on any of these T.O.W. inhabitants is a complete waste of time. Especially, trying to have something happen with this "Candi woman" is destined to fail like my marriage to Jasmine.

Trying to push him aside to not punch and throw everything took a lot. Also, the thought that whatever mess made would have to be fixed and cleaned up by me before anyone noticed. There have already been a few things I had to throw away to keep myself calm and cleared from any suspicion.

Zach and Matt ( his friend ) came over to drop off Nakoma. She seemed to have gotten into it with our cousin Emily. Emily seems to be slapping Nakoma and throwing her into closets to keep her from reporting her to her parents. Nakoma told Zach ( her older brother ) and Zach is pretty good on laying down the law with his siblings so I figured that I let them handle it within house. But I told Nakoma if Emily does it again, then I will have to take action. Then Nakoma started talking about her real dad and her feelings about him. I tried to be as supportive as I can and I made her some "Chill" Ramon ( because she had tooth taken out and she needed softer food ). We talked for a little bit and we played Tales from the Borderlands ( Xbox 360 ) together until Mom and Dad came home.

"Where is your friend?" they asked.

I was lost on what to say but honestly since this wasn't the first time that she didn't show up but the 4th time, I figured that I had this coming after the 2nd time.

I shrug and say, "I am not worth seeing, I guess", and I continued helping them get stuff in and talking about what they did while they were out Christmas Shopping and how the party was. Then we all came to the living room and while they watched midnight TV, I must have passed out.

I woke up around 1 in the morning, cursing that I slept and checked my phone. No phone call, no text message. I talked to Katelyn ( platonic soulmate ) and she was the one who told me the first time when she just disappeared when she was suppose to have came up to see me, that not everyone is Jasmine. I need to be understanding. But when I told her that this is the 4th time she just didn't show up she said ( and I quote ) " OMG! The fifth time? Go to bed. Block her number. She is a shitbag."

Sadly, I stayed up until I got a message from her:

I just got to my mom's house. I'm dead exhausted. I'm going to sleep for now n I can come up early am if u want if not I'll understand ;(
Really? REALLY?! 8 hours for a 3 hour drive?

I told her that I was glad that she was safe at her mom's and to stay there and to enjoy her family and daughters since she came to see them and to 'take care'. My version of saying "Bye Felicia" without being a bitch. Then she said that if I still want her to come in tomorrow she can if I don't have any plans.

Today is Bobby's birthday. Not that that means much because he is going to hang out with his girlfriend but I ... I broke down that this isn't the first time or the second time and honestly I shouldn't have let there be a third time but this is fourth ( or fifth honestly because now that I think about it there has to have been another time ) and I told her that ... that it hurts and that it wasn't fair that I change not just my own plans but my family's plans and work plans ( breaking my own rules with priorities ).

She replied:

I know and I understand completely there is no execuse I'm sorry that's all I can say if you decide u want to see me I'll be in until Monday around 10:30-11am

Paris once told me that I have to not let people have priorities over the priority of me. I honestly shouldn't have let it have gotten this bad. And she has made like no effort to either see me or comfort me about not being here multiple times. If someone cares then they make the effort and if they can't but want to, they will try to make up for it. If they don't or won't then they'll keep giving excuses and give minimal effort.

I think it is time to move on.

Hating the Mask

Today, was a bad day. Dad referred to me as a pussy again. When he does that I want to throw stuff at him, smash his head in, shoot him in the thigh and step in it to make him suffer, crack a baseball bat at his back to just watch him suffer.

The Darkness breaking through. Like withdraw.

But Spencer order me nit to take any action. That relocation from the situation I created can't be escaped from. That the legacy must be returned to U.S. and that suffering the constant insults and belittling is my punishment I must endure for speeding up his damn timetables

But I know if I take actions, then he'll say that he was "just kidding" and that "I shouldn't have taken it so seriously" or I "shouldn't get butthurt" our some dumb shit or something stupid that he always says. Don't take it personally but they'll label me as such.

Fuck! I'm angry ... again! Angry all the time. And I'm not the beat you down kind of guy .. I'm the tie you to the bed when you sleep as I burn your house down around you kind of thing.

Or maybe I should bring Seth back. I notice how he looks at them. Even Nakoma. And CJ. He wants to beat CJ. He wants to break Bobby. He wants to ... he doesn't wan anything good for these people.

And this is my brother! They don't know what have been done just cause. Living in TOW at first there were little restrictions. Bad things happened. Some of my brothers keep good of that feeling while most of us tried to change and adapt to U.S.'s rules for TOW.

My family now won't know. The first few knew and they ... they aren't ... I can't let that happen again. Spencer thinks that I have forgotten but sometimes I remember. I know I forget because of him but sometimes I remember.

I can't let ... I have to control my brothers. My real brothers. They'll ruin everything.

Maybe I have to leave. I hate this mask I have to put on to protect people. So let me stop and save them by leaving.

It'll be best for everyone. Pack up and move on to the next level. Unless, I can come up with another solution but honestly I hate quitting and running.

As the anger grows

Lately, I've been extremely more angry. Angry at dad, Bobby, CJ ... Even Nakoma.

Saturday, Nakoma wanted to to watch scary movies with me and we had fun. Her running behind me during the scary parts and me being the big brother that I am too reassure her that there odd nothing to worry about.

After the movie, she was on her way downstairs when she saw a sticker she put on her months ago that said, "being drug free is the key to success". She started say that being drug free isn't really the key to success. I tried to explain to her that drugs confuse and distract you more so than one needs.

She started to argue that I was wrong.

Then I started to get upset because I know her ideals comes from dad. Dad himself doesn't do drugs now but her grew up in the age of sex, drugs and rock and roll. It kind of formed him into the person he is today. But he is kind if laxed on they idea of addicts and drugs, where as I have a stricter idea of drugs and what not.

It upset me that those ideals are being absorbed by Nakoma. Actually, it pissed me off.

But getting upset with her wasn't right. I was so upset that I stormed out, leaving her alone and not dissing to her the rest of the night.

The next day I felt horrible about being that crossed with her. I should have listened to what she had to say and worked with that. Not just label what I thought she was going to say as wrong but hear her out and give her my opinion.

That is the person I want to be. Ok want to be the good influence. To treat everyone I come across on a respectable adult level regardless of age or relation.

It is how I wanted to be after Michael found Mr, it is how I wanted to be when I was married to

Jasmine and how I want to treat my children.

I can't let this anger get the best of me. I have to ... calm down and deal with situations with assertiveness and not aggressiveness.

I need to be better ...

Scary Halloween

So Friday, instead of bringing Nakoma with Karla and I to the Haunted House in Philiphsburg, Nakoma went with mom and dad to see Blind Shift in Clearfield and Karla had dinner with her folks. What did I do you ask? Well, Kayla offered to take me to another Haunted House in Beccaria and I took it because CJ had brought a female friend over and James was getting excited ( which usually isn't a good sign ).

So I showered and half way through my hair cut she arrived so it is incomplete. I look like Kid from the movie "Kid N Play" but shorter than the old school eraser head look. But I figured since it was so late and all that no one would notice in a dark haunted house.

The ride to the Haunted House was interesting. She talked less about her past fuck buddies and actually told me about where we were going. When she started taking I realized that I should have taken Spencer's suggestion and do research on where we were going but I felt since it was such short notice that it wouldn't be worth the rush effort. That and it is just a haunted house, right?

Turned out that she actually used to live at this Haunted House when she was a preteen. She wasn't clear if it was actually haunted but she was told a lot off ghost stories about the place when she was younger. The place was built in the 1800 and the Historical Society restored it be functional during the holidays ... especially Halloween.

We got there and I was expecting more people but I was relieved that it wasn't that packed. Kayla knew a guy or two who were dressed up as monsters there. Not really surprising but still a sight annoyance. I've been around people who were "popular" but with Kayla I find it more annoying than flattering or whatever.

Regardless, the house was huge. Like close to, if not exactly, twenty rooms and three stories. The actors portraying demented and psychotic hotel workers and tenants on something they call "Dead and Breakfast" ( a play on "bed and breakfast" ). None of it was really corny. Reminded me of America Horror Story kinda stuff.

Kayla made it an effort to hold me close. Probably to make sure I didn't explore the place independently like I wanted to. I looked at everything like I was investigating a crime scene again. Identifying items of interests and what not. Noticing knives before they were grabbed by the actors and finding trails of blood and analyzing how demented the scene was. And this place was really well planned to be very demented. Pale faces, splattered with blood, with clean clothes ( other than the blood ) and crazy hair. Reminded me of the Devil's Rejects in a way. Really interesting. Really glad it was fake.

Afterwards we chilled for a little while and then she took me home. She wanted to meet the familly even though I explained that the adults were out with the event. She came in and I tried to treat her as much as a "just friend" girl as possible. I didn't need the extra hassle of my brothers ( and potentially dad ) and she got the hint and was doing the same thing. However, after she left, she seemed to have done too well of a job and now my brothers ( at least CJ doesn't like her ). I suppose that is okay for the moment. If she ends up being more long term then ... she'll make up for the behavior of that night. If not that she is no worse for wear.

I am not sure what I am going to do with her. If she is just someone who is currently there or if there is some sort of deeper meaning for her existence in my life. Do I want her in my life? I am not talking permanently or anything like that but more of a "is she useful" as  Spencer would ask of person that is introduced into not just my life but our lives. I allow myself to be a little more understanding and compassionate ( thank you earlier version of Jasmine ). People aren't just to be used and then thrown away when no longer useful. That isn't how people should be.

At the same time, you shouldn't have people in your life that suck up what they can from you be it attention, love nor money without some sort of equivalent exchange. Kayla satisfy a certain level of companionship that I don't mind at the moment but at the back of my mind, I do have to remember that she is an ex-girlfriend ... who dumped me at that.I shouldn't be so desperate for companionship that I am willing to fall into the same trap that I did years ago.

But I am all about second chances, aren't I?

Getting Out of Jail ... Again

It has been a while since I last updated and I have a lot to update.

Well, first off all, Monday, September 14th, I got arrested sometime in the afternoon. It turns out that while I was paying Lynnanne during the 2-3 months I was living with her, not only was she not paying the rent but she was not paying my fines either.

Why was she paying for everything for me? Well, I am on medication ( I have been since ... 2010 or 11 ) and even when I was in jail, they gave me what they could afford ( because the correctional system does their best to pay as little as possible ), but when I got released they refused to give me my meds, telling me to go and get a doctor to subscribe me meds. Well, the medical system works that you have to see a therapist for about a month before you even get to even see the psychiatrist and then you have to wait for things to be approved ( so they know you aren’t abusing stuff ) so the process for that is like 2 months ... and that is after you wait to get insurance and since I don’t have an official job so no insurance for that so I have get welfare health care for the month. And on top of that, the first 2-3 I was in State College, getting things done and then Lynnanne kicked me out for going to the Theory of a Deadman and I moved in with mom ( Sue ) and dad ( Chuck ). So having all that transferred over was a headache and a half whenever you are “right in the head” and without my medication I am not exactly ... always there.

Anyways, she didn’t pay my fines so I was arrested. Luckily, mom was home and she was able to find out what was going on and what needed to be done. Call dad, call my PO and the Judge to see what can be worked out, etc, etc.

Being back in jail wasn’t bad. I didn’t go back to a block. Because they know of my mental health condition and I return without medication, they had to keep me in insolation. But the jail was over filled, so for the first day I was in holding on a mattress and the second day I was in the Multi-Purpose Room ( gym ) and the third day, they put me in Detox ( which is this jail’s isolation room ). I talked to mom on the first visitation day and she broke down that with this particular fine and because the Judge doesn’t seem to care much for me, he wants me to pay the whole amount compared to what is due or making arrangements.

The amount was $560. And it is the middle of the month. No one had that kind of money and I didn’t get paid for another two weeks. I told her that since I spent years in prison time before my last 10 1/2 month incarceration a few months ago, that 2 weeks would a breeze. She said that she and dad would do as much as they can but they have been struggling too. I wasn’t worried. Two weeks and I will have them pay it from my account and I will not have to worry about this particular fine.

The first few days I slept each day, all day. The third or fourth day I was all slept out so I started to talk to the C.O.s that all seem to remember me. I asked for paper and a pen to write and boy did I write! I wrote something of like 10 pages of things that I wanted to do and take care of when I get released on the 1st of September and some other things I wanted to get done by the New Year ( more on that later ).

Anyways, on the 25th of September, a C.O. comes in and tells me to pack my shit. My first response was, “Where am I moving to now?” and he goes “You getting out, man! Home free!” I look at him sideways because this particular CO was the same douche that let me and my old cellie sit in a flooded cell full of shit water for like 2 hours because our toilet clogged and overflew.

I got out to booking and I got them to let me make a phone call so I called Sue because I am sure that she must have had a hand in getting me out a few days earlier than expected. She was happy to hear from me yet she expected me to call today. I asked her how did I get out and she hesitated but she eventually told me ...

My Biological Mother ( BioMom ) paid my fine to get me out.

When I went into jail, dad tried to talk to people ( whom he knew I knew ... which is a fraction from people that “US” know ) and one of them was BioMom. She worked her magic that Spencer says that she has always been good at doing to win over mom and dad ( Chuck and Sue ) and she paid my fine for me to get out.

Was I pissed? Extremely. And when dad came to pick me up, I let him know that he shouldn’t have done that and that there could be consequences to this action. He tried to have me explain how I felt and I tried to explain the little I know from my “brothers” and from what was on the files that have been gathered over the years on the Biologicals. He was reasonable. Not saying that I was wrong or lying but that there could be some misconception and misunderstanding since the woman on the phone with them who claimed to be BioMom was nice and educated and seemed to be a caring mother who misses the prodigal son.

I almost feel for it until Spencer recalled his experience and the experience of the others. It is hard pressed who to believe because my brothers have always been there for me and rarely ever lead me astray. But I have picked my family. Hopefully this one lasts longer than the last one ...

Also, I know where my concentration has to be. I have to work on me for the next few months until after the New Years. A lot has to happen and I have to work on it - priority number one right now.

The good thing is that Dad said that he is glad that everything worked out the way it did because Nakoma ( Sue’s Daughter so my Little Sister ) ‘s birthday was today. Dad said that she told them that “No matter what you do for my birthday, it means nothing since Nick isn’t here!” so they didn’t tell her that I am coming home to be a surprise to her. That seriously made me the happiest person alive, no doubt.

So I came home, surprised her and we parties in the back yard with a few of her friends and Dad’s bosses, Michael and Diana. We had pizza and cake and soda and all kinds of stuff that breaks my diet and whatnot but it was worth it after a week and a half of jail food!

Lesser of two EVILS

I'm kinda sick between a rock and a hard place. I've been meaning to move outta Lynn's for a while. I want to trust her husband Josh that sometimes acts like my friend but goes to her with everything I say in "guy confidence". And Bridget is a complete and utter bitch! She is gonna be the reason I go back to jail. And Lynn...oh my gawd, Lynn is a different issue all together.

All together, being with Lynn and crew isn't doing me any better mentally. That and I really don't have much money to myself because Lynn tells me that I owe her like "so much money". If I don't get out soon then I'm stuck for a long while.

And then there is my second option which is with Lynn's father and my adopted dad Chuck. He couldn't duo much for me while I was I jail because He wasn't allowed by the warden but he's always been available when I called on him. Whenever him or his now wife Sue and their kids heard my cry they came to help every time. However they are in the hole too because of some unforeseen situations and they'll ask for money too but as long as it isn't Sue directly asking I'll be able too say bio for the most part.

But something negative, personal and private happened between these two factors of my life and things got intense. The situation deflated a bit but there is still tension. One side does not want to see the other and I'm I the middle and I hate it! Lynn its making me choose either Team Lynn or Team Chuck and it kills me.

What's worse? Tomorrow is the Theory of a Deadman concert is tomorrow and I already planned a date for it with Natasha. Nothing serious just friends. My eyes are still on SunShine. But Natasha seems to love Theory so I might as well bring her right.

But my ride was Chuck and if I can't talk to him then I can't get him to pick us up for the concert. And fuck if Bridget is gonna let me use her car after me still sitting on the fence between this Lynn vs Chuck thing.

Grrr Bullshit! Utter Bullshit!