My Weekend Part II

So around 8pm, James was like, "Dude, this is pathetic. Let's go out, have some fun. You know, that thing you don't do, called socialize."


I was reluctant at first but Dad mentioned something today about letting my brothers express themselves more and being more social myself. And it so happen that Kayla and Michelle wanted us to hang out again after the last time was such a blast. Besides, I could ask to spend the night and I can take care of seeing Sam ( my PO officer ) the next day and get that out of the way before I get reported for noncompliance.


So I went upstairs to pack while James showered. On the way out there Dad wanted to play a million questions ( mostly to poke fun at it ) and Nakoma physically latched herself to my leg so that I wouldn't leave. I told everyone my plans ( leaving James to keep quite about whatever he wanted to do ) and in the mist of it all, somewhat of an argument ensued. Kayla and Melissa arrived and I virtually ran out the door to avoid losing the small cool I had left ... forgetting a jacket and my phone charger.


While driving, Kayla and Melissa said that I could stay but that I had to leave at 6 in the morning because then everyone would be doing their own stuff and since I am a new friend I couldn't just stay at their house alone, which was completely reasonable. However, that meant that I had to try to find someone else to hang with until my 8pm appointment.


Well, since I was focused on my thing, I wasn't very sociable. Matter of fact, I might have been more of a dick then initially intended when my attention was requested. So Melissa said that she was dropping me and Kayla off her Kayla's house since I no longer seemed like the "ray of sunshine" as before. James complained a little but I didn't care. Less people and less annoyance, really.


Well, we got dropped off and James and Kayla hung out while I worked on trying to find someone I knew that knew me and actually still lived in the area. I figured that Tammy could help me out but her boyfriend was around and it would looked bad if we just showed up. A few other people were just like "no" and others just didn't bother to reply. One was like, "If you can get 'candy' ( weed ) and then maybe you can". That last person was Jennifer G. I was disgusted and pissed and ... started to scrape the bottom of the barrel.


My ex-girlfriend Chasity said that she might be able to do it, if mom ( her mom but her mom loves me enough to call me son ) would be willing to wake up that early. That was okay but I needed a back up plan. Luckily shortly after that, Brandi and Matt messaged me back saying that they wouldn't have a problem with me coming in in the morning and staying with them until my appointment.


That helped me sleep better.


I woke up a little before 6 and went upstairs to use the bathroom. Kayla and James were no where to be seen. Walking into the bathroom I saw an array of clothing all over the place. Some of them were mine. I guess that James must have worn my clothes prior to leaving. There was blood on the boxers. A lot of it. I could only imagine how it got there as I vomited in the toilet. I went down and got a small trash bag to wrap the bloody clothes into and collected the other articles of my clothes from the floor.


Then I woke up James and which woke up Kayla and then she says we have to leave because her mother was coming home ... and her mother does not like either of us. So he showered ( I didn't ask ) and I found everything that we brought with us and tried to erase our existence there. We left and started walking towards the rendezvous a few blocks away to be picked up by Matt.


Matt picked us us in the Subaru that he has been trying to sell me for 3k. Wouldn't be such a bad idea if I didn't hear from others that he is laughing behind our back about how it is barely staying intact. That it wasn't worth 1k but with the extra money he was gonna get a truck or something. As nice as a Subaru as it looks on the outside, the fact that he tried to pull one over my eyes pisses me off. I'd blow him off if it wasn't for Brandi, his fiance.


Brandi ... well, she is another story all together for another time.


I came to their house and James went to sleep upstairs and I stayed on the couch but soon passed out on the couch. When I woke up, it was just Brandi and Izzy and Izzy was running around being a kid. It was hard to look at Izzy because Izzy and Xavier used to play together a lot and ... well, memories filled my head. So I talked to Brandi, trying hard not to think about the things that I absolutely love about her.


I remember when Jasmine first left, that I got surprisingly really close to Brandi, There was this one time I got low, like really low, and she was there and saved me. We shared a moment there that we both knew that it was but ... just didn't act on it. I was still stuck on Jasmine and she had Matt. And then when I got arrested she came to visit me and ... it killed me and saved me both at the same time.


So it was a struggle to be so close to her and to just ... sit there and talk. Not like we have really done anything else other than that but it was still ... there.


But we did. We talked about our old support group and told her a little of what was going on with me at the time. We talked about how things have changed since back then and how things need to change now. We were hinting at something without coming near to it.


Then we talked about ... how I remembered Xavier when I saw Izzy. Luckily, I don't remember Jasmine directly because she was never really around whenever Izzy was over for a play date but ... remembering Xavier still hurt because I haven't seen him in two years. She seemed to sympathize but by that point I closed everything out to keep my head. She was just Brandi then. Not the woman I loved after Jasmine or the woman who saved me. Just some woman across from me whose name is Brandi who had 3 children and a fiance who is trying to sell me a crap car.


After our talk, I went upstairs too find something else to do. Something that didn't involve people. I found Matt's XBox and tried to play some Max Payne 3 but the disc was missing. Actually, with the games he had, almost every disc he had had the vital disc I needed was missing. I eventually got on his Xbox and played a simulation that was already on the hard drive. I was doing well with it, adapting with plans not failing the mission.


Eventually, Matt came home and we went to a smoke run. When we came back, it was about thirty minutes until my appointment. Gave Tammy a call because I convinced her to give me a ride home even though her boyfriend was in town. At that point, I didn't care about the "ripples". I had to get home because I couldn't stay in Clearfield area any longer. It was starting to make me physically ill ... and I was starting to get antsy looking out the window looking for the "right people".

She was late picking me so I just barely made my appointment and I quickly did what needed to be done and left. I think they were annoyed that I was cutting it close.

The drive one was ... interesting. We talked. We did more than talk ... but not much more. Got home at almost record time ( yea, process that ). But we talked about her boyfriend and what is right ( and wrong ) with him and what she keeps getting confused with concerning me. I stick around her for Tyra because I care about Tyra and I miss her and want to be a good role model to her but being in a relationship with Tammy would be ... well, it would be a lot of headache really for both of us. So we talked about that and she ended up sticking with her boyfriend.

I really need to figure out what I am doing here. I am cutting things close and putting myself through more heartache and headache than necessary. The new year is coming and change has to come with it.

You know this ain't ...

So, yesterday, Candi was suppose to come down from Camp Hill. We talked about it and she said the latest she would leave her place would be around 2-3 pm. Magnum was hosting a party for their employee and even though I am not officially on their payroll, I have done a lot of work with Dad so they invited me to socialize and bump elbows with the other employees of the company.

But I wanted to actually hang out with Candi, and since it is 3 hours from where he is to where I am and Mom and Dad were leaving around 2-3 pm to prep for the party at 7 pm, I felt I had plenty of time to get showered and dressed, clean up the living areas of the room and finish the choirs I got and herd the boys where they would be comfortable and out of the way.

Estimated time of arrival, 5-6 pm. However, 6:30pm I text her asking if she was okay and she replied that she was and she was heading out the door now.

Really? But hey, things happened. She told me that she was going Christmas Shopping prior so I can kind of understanding that things at malls and whatnot probably didn't go according to plan. Hell, my other friend, Kayla, said she was going to go Christmas Shopping today for 6 hours to get everyone on her list on one day but that it was kinda crazy today so she didn't even bother.

So, I kept myself busy. Mom and Dad were gone doing their own Christmas shop and help prep for the party so they were gone, Tyler were in and out with Bon, Bobby and CJ had a girl over and they are ... I don't know. Or really care. They were out of my hair and I already got a earful from Spencer about the little fight he had with Dad about Spencer working on his own computer. Longer story in another post probably on his WordPress ( ProfSimonSpencer) I am sure.

So, all around, I was annoyed and getting mad so I started getting things done . Laundry, dishes, sweeping and cleaning and trying to get Bobby to help with the computer (to appease both Spencer and Dad) but he was too busy with his guest so that one task kind of crawled. Spencer in my ear telling me that people time and time again will let us go and depending on any of these T.O.W. inhabitants is a complete waste of time. Especially, trying to have something happen with this "Candi woman" is destined to fail like my marriage to Jasmine.

Trying to push him aside to not punch and throw everything took a lot. Also, the thought that whatever mess made would have to be fixed and cleaned up by me before anyone noticed. There have already been a few things I had to throw away to keep myself calm and cleared from any suspicion.

Zach and Matt ( his friend ) came over to drop off Nakoma. She seemed to have gotten into it with our cousin Emily. Emily seems to be slapping Nakoma and throwing her into closets to keep her from reporting her to her parents. Nakoma told Zach ( her older brother ) and Zach is pretty good on laying down the law with his siblings so I figured that I let them handle it within house. But I told Nakoma if Emily does it again, then I will have to take action. Then Nakoma started talking about her real dad and her feelings about him. I tried to be as supportive as I can and I made her some "Chill" Ramon ( because she had tooth taken out and she needed softer food ). We talked for a little bit and we played Tales from the Borderlands ( Xbox 360 ) together until Mom and Dad came home.

"Where is your friend?" they asked.

I was lost on what to say but honestly since this wasn't the first time that she didn't show up but the 4th time, I figured that I had this coming after the 2nd time.

I shrug and say, "I am not worth seeing, I guess", and I continued helping them get stuff in and talking about what they did while they were out Christmas Shopping and how the party was. Then we all came to the living room and while they watched midnight TV, I must have passed out.

I woke up around 1 in the morning, cursing that I slept and checked my phone. No phone call, no text message. I talked to Katelyn ( platonic soulmate ) and she was the one who told me the first time when she just disappeared when she was suppose to have came up to see me, that not everyone is Jasmine. I need to be understanding. But when I told her that this is the 4th time she just didn't show up she said ( and I quote ) " OMG! The fifth time? Go to bed. Block her number. She is a shitbag."

Sadly, I stayed up until I got a message from her:

I just got to my mom's house. I'm dead exhausted. I'm going to sleep for now n I can come up early am if u want if not I'll understand ;(
Really? REALLY?! 8 hours for a 3 hour drive?

I told her that I was glad that she was safe at her mom's and to stay there and to enjoy her family and daughters since she came to see them and to 'take care'. My version of saying "Bye Felicia" without being a bitch. Then she said that if I still want her to come in tomorrow she can if I don't have any plans.

Today is Bobby's birthday. Not that that means much because he is going to hang out with his girlfriend but I ... I broke down that this isn't the first time or the second time and honestly I shouldn't have let there be a third time but this is fourth ( or fifth honestly because now that I think about it there has to have been another time ) and I told her that ... that it hurts and that it wasn't fair that I change not just my own plans but my family's plans and work plans ( breaking my own rules with priorities ).

She replied:

I know and I understand completely there is no execuse I'm sorry that's all I can say if you decide u want to see me I'll be in until Monday around 10:30-11am

Paris once told me that I have to not let people have priorities over the priority of me. I honestly shouldn't have let it have gotten this bad. And she has made like no effort to either see me or comfort me about not being here multiple times. If someone cares then they make the effort and if they can't but want to, they will try to make up for it. If they don't or won't then they'll keep giving excuses and give minimal effort.

I think it is time to move on.