I am the NoBody that gets Blamed for Everything

I hate living with people. Why? Because of my morale and personal ethic, I do a lot. I see something needs to be done, I tend to do it unless someone else can do it better or I am busy with something else.

However, in this household, Dad ( Chuck ) finds it comical to say that random things are my fault. He finds it funny. But it is funny at my expense. Hence why I find it annoying ... and another reason I hate living with people.

1 other person, very doable, especially when I pick them through a list of candidates. But not a bunch of people with so many different personalities, needs, wants and agendas.

So it is annoying that when something is done wrong and I am involved, not to hate the idea that I am involved in situation that I originally had nothing to do with. Some of that is my fault. The ones I volunteer myself for, completely my fault. The ones that I am recruited to handle, I get pissed when it is only given to me because no one else wants the responsibility. And that includes the person that it is centered around.

Case in point, Josh had work today. Dad asked me about his work schedule. Honestly, I couldn't remember cleanly ( or quickly enough for dad ) to be confident about his answer. Also, since I was in the middle of something else, I am sure that he would have wanted me to go to Josh ( who sleeps until his clock in time ) and ask him, which I hate doing because Josh in the morning makes me want to throw him into the Pit.

Well, luckily for me today, Dad went to ask him and found out that there was a conflict in the schedule. So he recruited me to find Josh a ride ... to his work ... which is about 8 - 10 blocks away. But I went through the assets I have but I do not have any last minute assets set up. Most I ask a few days a head of time. So most of them were either at work already or to have them drive all the way here just to drive Josh 8 - 10 blocks ( and no gas money mind you ) would not only be foolish but also a waste of time.

I ended up asking CJ to find someone. He said that Brandon's friend could do it but we didn't know that until dad had to drive back and pick up Josh for work. CJ even came back to drop off Sadie's fucking dog but couldn't send a text message or leave a note about Brandon being able to do the 10 block drive.

Yet, I get grilled and hassled about knowing and not knowing and getting information wrong and shit. Oh gawd, when they talk like that in front of me ( or even behind my back and I overheard ) I swear I'd burn them all alive if Protocol S wasn't in place.

I am just getting tired of dealing with people ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And I hate even more that I have to deal with other people's bullshit and crap.

And Mom ( Sue ) always asks me why I want to move out?!

I barely own the area I sleep in. And it is annoying. Simon says that they are gonna want everything that they ever gave me back. Saying that they only let me use it. But honestly, I am getting to the point where that will be ok with me.Very few things are keeping me here.

Like L ... and the promise I made to her after what happened.
And Nakoma ... damn imprint

Not Good Enough for Mom

Lately, for some reason I cannot remember, my dad had most if it's pretty busy lately.

There was a week that the boss, Michael and his wife Diana, had some trip that they went to ... or maybe it was some sort of concert. So dad had to be in State College the entire week ... which means that he needed me to drive him up there and be bored for several hours as he works ... the entire week. So I'd wake up, change clothes cuz I couldn't always find the time to shower, and leave with him to State College.

Then the next week, we had to rush a 1500 t-shirt order by Thursday and it was Tuesday ... and we were just starting to learn and loss the equipment. CJ and Tyler had to alternate 12 hour shifts with Josh and Terry. I had to transport the whole time and drive dad to work and State College and the Renovo trip.

And that weekend, I wanted hang out with Amanda. She said she changed but that didn't really matter to be cuz I knew better. No, I wanted to go somewhere where I don't get asked to rotate dogs that I don't like or own ( I don't like dogs ) or to get tea cuz dad can't get it himself cuz he's in pain or to put away everyone else's dinner.

But instead, a personal friend of Michael's was in town for business and requested me personally ... by freaking name! Would have been exciting ... if I didn't already have plans to mentally "check out". So I struggled through the weekend of working with Michael's old mentor, Gene, and his two workers, Eric and John, and his grandson Nick ( who I called Peter Parker ).

I did end up going to Jennifer's pace buy only to have my clothes washed cuz I was worried about bringing poison sumac back to the house. So I showered as she was very pissy about me coming over just to shower and have my clothes washed ( completely understandable ). Then I passed out on her couch as James and her watched some sort of horse show on Netflix. I woke up and immediately rushed home.

I did have the family's only car. Totally only gone for two hours after working for Gene.

Yet, last week, mom ( a.k.a. Sue ) has been on my ass about everything. Throwing in my face that I almost ran a red light months ago ( because if a flashback of Jasmine, which none cares to know ) even though she allows me to drive everyone else, including her daughter, husband and son everywhere. But when it comes to her, I try so damn hard to impress her so she can feel comfortable with me driving her but she won't have it. She keeps bringing it up to shut me down for everything that requires trust.

And she says that she can't trust me to leave to go to a friend's place cuz I don't come back on time. And it isn't like I don't. There was this one time that a family emergency occurred and someone else had to use their car. There was no real reason to have be back on a particular day. I didn't have the car or anything. I think they just wanted their slave back.

And then she complained about James and his "women" and then they got into it. James saying she doesn't give two "sugar coated fucks" ( his words ) until she realizes she gets less attention from him and she complains that he is gonna get diseases and what not with all the "exercise" he is involved him. Then it becomes girlfriend bickering back and forth until someone walks away.

And it had been that way for about a while with her. Yelling at us. Bitching a lot more often. And especially at us ... which is very rare.

And in Friday, since I didn't get to have a relaxing weekend, I decided to try again. This time with Monica ( a girl James threw towards me cuz she is a "good girl" ).

But dad had a wedding to duo but since he knows I hate weddings ( for many different reasons ) he said he wouldn't need me but if he did it would only be for a few hours. But Sue went postal. Saying that everyone cancels on him when he needs it.

Not like I haven't been working my ass off for the pass 3 weeks. Even skipped a outing with my friends because of dad's boss's mentor who knew my name. DaFaq!

And what really pissed me off was when Sue said that I shouldn't leave just to get a piece of ass. I wanted to slap her and throw the car into the fucking mountain side. How dare she confuse me for James's escapades.

I try to put thought and faith in the people who probably don't deserve it but I'm the king of second chances so I believe people can redeem themselves. But that comment she made about Monica being a piece of ass ... hurtful.

I haven't been able to really be able to talk to her straight since then. But with James ...she didn't need me for much of anything other than to complain that I'm not doing enough ... when her other sons also until 2 in the afternoon and she watches tv with Josh all day.

Yea, the life I am forced to live ...

One of Those Nights

Nights like this, where I wake up in they middle of the night, where I gaff no work to do and I do not want to wake anyone with trying to do choirs at 4 in the morning, I am left with my thoughts.

And my thoughts almost always goes back to Jasmine. Sometimes, I try to push my mind to the bloodbath of my younger stages of life but I dose some ghosts work harder to haunt.

Before, when I had a bad day or a bad dream, I'd wake up to Jasmine next to me sometimes and I'd just cuddle myself to hee and quietly cry. Just to get it out. But then I'd smile because I had her to release to. Granted, she probably never know because she would be sleeping but a lot of times, her personality, my love for her, our family, they all kept the demons out for me. And when they got in, just her existence of someone so compassion and love and understanding ... made me feel that ... a monster like me can still be loved.

I no longer have that.

When I moved in here, I wanted to return the favor of them taking me in. But ... I'm starting to feel like a servant. A slave. A favored slave out of  one but still a slave that isn't allowed to leave.

I think ... Spencer knows they need me ... butt it isn't the same as being loved. Of loving. Like with Jasmine. And I've tried finding someone, anyone else, but I swear they see they monster and leaves.

Mom says I try too hard ... but what is to hard when it comes to saving your own life?

Maybe I just need to do something before morning choirs at 7. Maybe ... I need to do something. A pain that might dull the pain of her leaving me like Todd.

You know this ain't ...

So, yesterday, Candi was suppose to come down from Camp Hill. We talked about it and she said the latest she would leave her place would be around 2-3 pm. Magnum was hosting a party for their employee and even though I am not officially on their payroll, I have done a lot of work with Dad so they invited me to socialize and bump elbows with the other employees of the company.

But I wanted to actually hang out with Candi, and since it is 3 hours from where he is to where I am and Mom and Dad were leaving around 2-3 pm to prep for the party at 7 pm, I felt I had plenty of time to get showered and dressed, clean up the living areas of the room and finish the choirs I got and herd the boys where they would be comfortable and out of the way.

Estimated time of arrival, 5-6 pm. However, 6:30pm I text her asking if she was okay and she replied that she was and she was heading out the door now.

Really? But hey, things happened. She told me that she was going Christmas Shopping prior so I can kind of understanding that things at malls and whatnot probably didn't go according to plan. Hell, my other friend, Kayla, said she was going to go Christmas Shopping today for 6 hours to get everyone on her list on one day but that it was kinda crazy today so she didn't even bother.

So, I kept myself busy. Mom and Dad were gone doing their own Christmas shop and help prep for the party so they were gone, Tyler were in and out with Bon, Bobby and CJ had a girl over and they are ... I don't know. Or really care. They were out of my hair and I already got a earful from Spencer about the little fight he had with Dad about Spencer working on his own computer. Longer story in another post probably on his WordPress ( ProfSimonSpencer) I am sure.

So, all around, I was annoyed and getting mad so I started getting things done . Laundry, dishes, sweeping and cleaning and trying to get Bobby to help with the computer (to appease both Spencer and Dad) but he was too busy with his guest so that one task kind of crawled. Spencer in my ear telling me that people time and time again will let us go and depending on any of these T.O.W. inhabitants is a complete waste of time. Especially, trying to have something happen with this "Candi woman" is destined to fail like my marriage to Jasmine.

Trying to push him aside to not punch and throw everything took a lot. Also, the thought that whatever mess made would have to be fixed and cleaned up by me before anyone noticed. There have already been a few things I had to throw away to keep myself calm and cleared from any suspicion.

Zach and Matt ( his friend ) came over to drop off Nakoma. She seemed to have gotten into it with our cousin Emily. Emily seems to be slapping Nakoma and throwing her into closets to keep her from reporting her to her parents. Nakoma told Zach ( her older brother ) and Zach is pretty good on laying down the law with his siblings so I figured that I let them handle it within house. But I told Nakoma if Emily does it again, then I will have to take action. Then Nakoma started talking about her real dad and her feelings about him. I tried to be as supportive as I can and I made her some "Chill" Ramon ( because she had tooth taken out and she needed softer food ). We talked for a little bit and we played Tales from the Borderlands ( Xbox 360 ) together until Mom and Dad came home.

"Where is your friend?" they asked.

I was lost on what to say but honestly since this wasn't the first time that she didn't show up but the 4th time, I figured that I had this coming after the 2nd time.

I shrug and say, "I am not worth seeing, I guess", and I continued helping them get stuff in and talking about what they did while they were out Christmas Shopping and how the party was. Then we all came to the living room and while they watched midnight TV, I must have passed out.

I woke up around 1 in the morning, cursing that I slept and checked my phone. No phone call, no text message. I talked to Katelyn ( platonic soulmate ) and she was the one who told me the first time when she just disappeared when she was suppose to have came up to see me, that not everyone is Jasmine. I need to be understanding. But when I told her that this is the 4th time she just didn't show up she said ( and I quote ) " OMG! The fifth time? Go to bed. Block her number. She is a shitbag."

Sadly, I stayed up until I got a message from her:

I just got to my mom's house. I'm dead exhausted. I'm going to sleep for now n I can come up early am if u want if not I'll understand ;(
Really? REALLY?! 8 hours for a 3 hour drive?

I told her that I was glad that she was safe at her mom's and to stay there and to enjoy her family and daughters since she came to see them and to 'take care'. My version of saying "Bye Felicia" without being a bitch. Then she said that if I still want her to come in tomorrow she can if I don't have any plans.

Today is Bobby's birthday. Not that that means much because he is going to hang out with his girlfriend but I ... I broke down that this isn't the first time or the second time and honestly I shouldn't have let there be a third time but this is fourth ( or fifth honestly because now that I think about it there has to have been another time ) and I told her that ... that it hurts and that it wasn't fair that I change not just my own plans but my family's plans and work plans ( breaking my own rules with priorities ).

She replied:

I know and I understand completely there is no execuse I'm sorry that's all I can say if you decide u want to see me I'll be in until Monday around 10:30-11am

Paris once told me that I have to not let people have priorities over the priority of me. I honestly shouldn't have let it have gotten this bad. And she has made like no effort to either see me or comfort me about not being here multiple times. If someone cares then they make the effort and if they can't but want to, they will try to make up for it. If they don't or won't then they'll keep giving excuses and give minimal effort.

I think it is time to move on.

Dreaming of Eternity

Ever had a dream about an ex that shakes you? You wake up feeling that something is missing and then it hits you that what is missing is them.

That's what happened to me this morning. I woke up by dad telling me that I had to be up for the Renovo trip for work. I went to brush my teeth and I looked at myself in the mirror and went I snapped back into reality I saw tears in my eyes.

Then I got angry. How dare I think so lowly of myself to want her back. To dream of her at all after what she done to me.

But, God forgive this fool, I miss her and there is a part of me that honestly hopes she thinks of me ... of us. Of what we used to have.

Of the promise of eternity.