What I Am Responsible For

I cannot pinpoint what day this happened. In the past 30 days I am sure.

It had something to do with me and mom arguing again. I am sure he won't remember. He barely remembers much of anything that is actually important. Where he leaves things. Appointments that he has. Work schedules or even events that isn't work related.

Whilst spitting some "holier, wiser, smart and better than thou" bullspit, he goes "no wonder your wife left". He said it so quickly and moved on to the next thing he was bitching/griping/complaining about something ( yes it started with me and mom debating or potentially bumping heads about something ).

Like I said, he probably won't ever remember saying it or if he does, he'll half-assly say he 'very well might have said it', or something weak like that.

This is where he is. He is always right. Even when he is wrong he is right. He angers me so much. He disgusts me so much. Not before, but when Simon showed me how manipulative he is, especially to those in the house, I want to puke when I think about it all.

So why am I still here. Why didnt I leave then when he said what he said ( obviously to hurt me )?

Sue, Tyler and Nakoma.
Because of L ... LaFall. It is the least I can do for what happened. What I am responsible for.

We'd Leave the Greater to Suffer for the Few

Sue is starting to actually have dreams of LaFall alive rather than dead like that night of the car wreck in August 2012. She said that she had a dream last night where everyone was on some sort of vacation and they kept changing the rooms on her after everyone got settled. After the 5th move, she got frustrated and asked why they kept moving us. They ( or Chuck ) told her that there was something in the rooms and if she stayed there for too long then she would want to stay.

So Sue, in the dream, got everyone preoccupied and started to snoop around in the room and found a closest in which she and her kids had whenever they were younger. They would use to hid in the closest when they were younger .... and Sue thoughts she heard something in this closet that magically appear.

She opens the door and LaFall jumps up. Then she asks Sue to not leave her. Then Chuck comes in and starts to pull her away from this LaFall.

Sue told me this dream she had last night ... and she told me she would leave all of us to stay with her.

Chuck and Sue translate all of that into Sue not forgiving herself for the death of LaFall. I see it that Sue is one more step closer to seeing that death is the ultimate choice to be with LaFall.

I want to be made that she would leave all of us in a heartbeat for LaFall. 6-7 ( 3 hers and 3-4 dad's depending on if she can tolerate Lynnanne or not that day )s children. 1 Husband. Friends and Family. House. Home. Better life. But obviously all of that means nothing without LaFall.

But I cannot be that angry. I would slaughter all of them if I knew I could rewind time and get my family back. If I could get back Jasmine and Xavier. When we were a good family.

Because the 'alive dream' that Sue just got, I have had ever since July 27th of 2014. Every night ... save a few.

I hope some angel or demon never comes to both me and Sue with the same offer of sacrifice to get what we truly desire. We share that pain and hurt and carry it with us every day ... but it isn't the same ... and she'll never notice.

She barely notices the change now.

Worse Christmas Ever

So Christmas Day, I was kind of excited.  I got the following people things:

Dad ( Charles ):
 -  car radio ( which included radio, adapter and placement plate ) ( ~80$ )
 - cup ( "hard to be nice when it is fun to be naughty" ) ( ~5$ )

Mom ( Sue ) :
 - Season 7 of SuperNatural ( ~ 5$ )
 - Twilight Behind the Scenes Book ( ~5$ )

Bobby:
 - NeverWinter Nights ( ~10$ )
 - 5 KickAss Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Diablo 2 ( ~10$ ) ( almost a gift from my brother Daniel from several years  ago: sentimental value )
 - Steam Gift Card ( ~20$ )

CJ:
 - GameStop Gift Card ( ~25$ )

Tyler:
 - Devil May Cry HD Pack: DMC 1, 2 and 3 ( ~13$ )

Nakoma:
 - Care Bears Movie ( ~5$ )
 - Cartoon Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Viva Pinta XBox 360 Game ( ~15$ )

Josh:
 - Star Trek KeyChain ( ~5$ )
 - Gears of War 1-3? ( ~10-20$ )


So I spent a pretty penny for Christmas for everyone. But I really don't care for the money. That is kind of expected when it comes to Christmas. However, when I started to take pictures of people with their gifts on Christmas, Dad got on my case, saying that he doesn't want these pictures up.

Then CJ made the comment saying that why would anyone want to post pictures for people they don't know to see. Fuck him! I know all those people that I put on my Facebook and they seem to care more than his fucking ass. The only thing that he seems to care about is if I can drive him to see his drug dealer. Other than that, the little fuck gives no fucks.

I mean ... How dare they? How dare they say these things after everything I went through. After everything I continue to go through. Not just me but with them. The financial responsibilities and the effort I put into this family that seems to ... I don't know how they ... who they think I am?

I have no pictures of my life of prior to me coming out of jail. I have no pictures of the 'prior's' lives before me. Pictures of Theodore and Michael and Guy and Chris and James and Spencer and anyone else ... their families ... their existence ... their lives ... as if they didn't matter.

Dad said a while ago, because of something that he didn't and couldn't understand, that I was a liar. He even told our boss, MY BOSS, that I was a liar and everything I say is a lie. He never could understand the struggle and suffering I have been through alone for United Separation.

But I have trusted him many times. Given him money for services and trusted him to pay for things later when I give him money now ... and every time he has let me down. Forgotten and spent the money on other things.

And Josh, thinking he knows shit about my life. Time and time again, I listen to him when he needs an ear and time and time again I bail him out of situations with Sue and Chuck and time and time again, I have to deal with his drivel and his "I know it all" and "I am superior" attitude because Michael enjoys him and his company and conversation. Even though when I confide in him about anything ( things ranging from me moving out from Lynnanne's place to asking him to vouch for me about the XBox I paid HIM for ) he lets me down by 'snitching' ( to Lynnanne about me moving ) and 'forgetting' or not giving enough of a shit about  ( when it came to the XBox ).

And why do I do all of that? Because of what James did? Because of Michael and his foolish ideals of trusting people?

When he went to jail and I tried to get his 'then' girlfriend to do anything, she did nothing and I felt his resentment at me for it. Even now after they have 'broken up', no apologies and no ... reassurance. And he continues to bitch and complain about everything when he owes so much.  He has wrecked both my car ( PT Cruiser - Alice )  and Sue's Durago. They have been in the red to keep him out of jail while they willing let me go in and sit.

But oh, not josh. Never Josh. Their ex-son in law. Their ex-son in law that they let sit in his room all day while I get up early mornings to take care of chores and run people around.

And Sue?! Always complaining about me to others and never wanting to talk to me. Even though I have given her the connection of son and mom ( foolishly it seems ) and even when I let her and James ... someone whom he claims is her 'bestie' ( whateverthefuck that means ), she still complains that we do not spend enough time.

Does she understand when we are not with her then we are running errands for her husband?! Does she understand that most nights I leave her at 9-9.30 and don't get back until like 5-6? And to what? Assholic kids ( siblings ) and adults ( parents ) who do not even know how to begin to understand?

Sadly enough the only one who seems to remotely get it is Nakoma ...

And not only that ... the proof of my life, with Jasmine and Xavier ... I miss my family. My family that no longer exists anymore. And yet ... I think about them constantly. Their ghost haunts me. Reminds me of what I have missed and what I no longer can have.

Is this hell? Did I succeed July 27th 2014?

Felicia left me and as much as that hurt, I found it a personal success that I am getting over it without incident. Especially with this crappy ass support system of people who doubt me and oppress me and put me down. They think I am better here?! Really?

Worst
Christmas
Ever

Not Good Enough for Mom

Lately, for some reason I cannot remember, my dad had most if it's pretty busy lately.

There was a week that the boss, Michael and his wife Diana, had some trip that they went to ... or maybe it was some sort of concert. So dad had to be in State College the entire week ... which means that he needed me to drive him up there and be bored for several hours as he works ... the entire week. So I'd wake up, change clothes cuz I couldn't always find the time to shower, and leave with him to State College.

Then the next week, we had to rush a 1500 t-shirt order by Thursday and it was Tuesday ... and we were just starting to learn and loss the equipment. CJ and Tyler had to alternate 12 hour shifts with Josh and Terry. I had to transport the whole time and drive dad to work and State College and the Renovo trip.

And that weekend, I wanted hang out with Amanda. She said she changed but that didn't really matter to be cuz I knew better. No, I wanted to go somewhere where I don't get asked to rotate dogs that I don't like or own ( I don't like dogs ) or to get tea cuz dad can't get it himself cuz he's in pain or to put away everyone else's dinner.

But instead, a personal friend of Michael's was in town for business and requested me personally ... by freaking name! Would have been exciting ... if I didn't already have plans to mentally "check out". So I struggled through the weekend of working with Michael's old mentor, Gene, and his two workers, Eric and John, and his grandson Nick ( who I called Peter Parker ).

I did end up going to Jennifer's pace buy only to have my clothes washed cuz I was worried about bringing poison sumac back to the house. So I showered as she was very pissy about me coming over just to shower and have my clothes washed ( completely understandable ). Then I passed out on her couch as James and her watched some sort of horse show on Netflix. I woke up and immediately rushed home.

I did have the family's only car. Totally only gone for two hours after working for Gene.

Yet, last week, mom ( a.k.a. Sue ) has been on my ass about everything. Throwing in my face that I almost ran a red light months ago ( because if a flashback of Jasmine, which none cares to know ) even though she allows me to drive everyone else, including her daughter, husband and son everywhere. But when it comes to her, I try so damn hard to impress her so she can feel comfortable with me driving her but she won't have it. She keeps bringing it up to shut me down for everything that requires trust.

And she says that she can't trust me to leave to go to a friend's place cuz I don't come back on time. And it isn't like I don't. There was this one time that a family emergency occurred and someone else had to use their car. There was no real reason to have be back on a particular day. I didn't have the car or anything. I think they just wanted their slave back.

And then she complained about James and his "women" and then they got into it. James saying she doesn't give two "sugar coated fucks" ( his words ) until she realizes she gets less attention from him and she complains that he is gonna get diseases and what not with all the "exercise" he is involved him. Then it becomes girlfriend bickering back and forth until someone walks away.

And it had been that way for about a while with her. Yelling at us. Bitching a lot more often. And especially at us ... which is very rare.

And in Friday, since I didn't get to have a relaxing weekend, I decided to try again. This time with Monica ( a girl James threw towards me cuz she is a "good girl" ).

But dad had a wedding to duo but since he knows I hate weddings ( for many different reasons ) he said he wouldn't need me but if he did it would only be for a few hours. But Sue went postal. Saying that everyone cancels on him when he needs it.

Not like I haven't been working my ass off for the pass 3 weeks. Even skipped a outing with my friends because of dad's boss's mentor who knew my name. DaFaq!

And what really pissed me off was when Sue said that I shouldn't leave just to get a piece of ass. I wanted to slap her and throw the car into the fucking mountain side. How dare she confuse me for James's escapades.

I try to put thought and faith in the people who probably don't deserve it but I'm the king of second chances so I believe people can redeem themselves. But that comment she made about Monica being a piece of ass ... hurtful.

I haven't been able to really be able to talk to her straight since then. But with James ...she didn't need me for much of anything other than to complain that I'm not doing enough ... when her other sons also until 2 in the afternoon and she watches tv with Josh all day.

Yea, the life I am forced to live ...

Just do it MYSELF

Do yesterday, I was extremely frustrated. Partially from not having cigarettes, partially from Harley doing what she always seems to do, partially from not having time for my own thing because I'm doing mom and dad's thing. Not one thing but many.

And dad wanted me to drive up to Nan s place because he wanted to see a relative that he hasn't seen in a while. I was annoyed and tired and frustrated. But he kept bitching do I went with him but he drove.

On the way, he started his spew on how he doesn't believe that I would be able to get my son back unless I am with then. Saying that this society and world's mindset isn't in my favor. A black Nan with a history of violence and mental health issue will not have much of a way time trying to get him son back. But that being in this family, they will see that I have a support system.

I tried to echoes how I didn't think that mattered because of the good work I've done so far. The agencies that work with me and the progress I've been making since I've been out should be plenty to show that I'm on the right path of progress.

Then he pulled out "and where did you do all this progress at? Our house." Catch 22. Stuck from all directions.

And the conversation was frustrating to say the least. Especially with him saying "we need to speak reality and not fantasy", referring to my life, my world, my thoughts and opinion as fantasy, was pissing me off extremely.

Honestly, what I got from that conversation is that I'm relying too much on this family. It is starting to sound like what Spencer was thinking about when it came to the Lost Original's situation and family. That they wanted to use him for some reason. That he couldn't escape. Not until MAD gave him the escape he needed from this world ... and ours.

I cannot let that happen to me. If I leave, it'll be by my terms. If I fail, it will be by my terms. Fantasy or not! I rather repeat the process a million times and eventually succeed in my terms rather than easily succeed due to someone else.

I don't want to put do much reliance on other TOW people. That is what happened when it came to Jasmine. And I was so dependant that when I finally lost her, I lost it.

I have to set a date to leave. With or without their blessing.

Enough people hate me in this world. And if this family hates me for wanting to advance in my own life ... then so be it.

The Definition of Insanity ... Women

It had been a while since I've typed last on my own blog. Been busy. I'll make another post about that later.

For now, we'll talk about Harley.

She got a hold of me again. Honey words of how sorry she is and how she is a victim of circumstance. And I'm not sure if it is because I understand how circumstances can control a person's life or if it is because I'm foolish enough to think there is an actual but I agreed to give her another chance.

Spencer already washed his hands from trying to give me advice on what I should do ( more like complain ... no, more like bitch about how not just woken but TOWian women are not worth anyone's time ). However, I can feel his disapproval.

Regardless, I restarted our relationship ( for the third time ). I know that this is one strong way to get over Jasmine and feel like I have someone in this world that I could spend on.

However, the first weekend, I suggested we do something. Silly me to think that she would be available to do it. But it was different. She actually told me she couldn't because of a legit reason ... and she kept in touch with me the whole weekend through text messages and phone calls.

That, ladies and gentlemen, I'd what I like to call effort. I understand life happens. I am the king of understanding how life happens. But when life happens, you inform those important in your life of life happening. That is effort and that is really all I want. Someone who considers me as much as I consider them to inform me of what they are up to and to make me an active part of their life.

So I planned to pick her up for my boss of Magnum Broadcasting's 50th birthday. It was gonna be a social and business party kind of thing and I figured that I know just keep things in check and she can she exactly hour busy of a guy I am. So she sees that I do try hard I'm everything I do.

She actually was able to come. Flight incident with Tobias ( and potentially James ) but she was understanding of what I do for my family and work ( which tends to be intertwined ).

She even met a local celebrity, a guy named Tyson who does a paranormal show for Magnum. She was too shy to go up to him do I got his autograph for her. And then he personally came over to give us a few ticket to his next "haunting investigation".

To say the least, Harley was swooning from the experience and they fact I did that for her.

I convinced mom and dad ( yea in my 30s I have to convince my parents ) to let her stay the night. It was nice. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I felt she was too.

Slight problem taking her home with the parents but I realized I have to find a better way to define myself and what I want.

The remainder of the week, she had been very forward about seeing me again. Of actually being with me. I suggested we go to the haunting investigation but that she should spend the night again as well. She seemed all for it ...

Until Friday morning, the day I was going to come pick her up. She said she had to be at work a few hours after the haunting investigation and didn't want to burden me with it. I told her that it would not be a burden at all and that I would make arrangements. Then after work on Friday, she said she had a lot to do on that day. I asked if we could find a way to work together and figure out what to do.

She doesn't reply for several hours. And when she does, she sent me a picture of a shirt saying that it would be cute to have.

I told her I was disappointed and upset that she keeps trying to find ways to not see me.

And that was the last communication we had since last night. But if she doesn't say something by tomorrow night, I'm done with her. I care for her ... a lot! But I have to value myself and my time and effort. I cannot be with someone who does not value me.

Paris told me that if people don't value and my time then why should I value them or theirs. Come Sunday if I don't hear back from her the I'm blocking her on social media and blocking her number from messaging me.

Honestly, at this point, I'm just tired if the constant bullshit from women. Virtually everyone at this point. This is ridiculous.

New Over Old

It has been a very long while since I have updated on this thing. Not because I haven't wanted to because I do a lot. Just not so much time. With being with this adopted family, a few things comes with it that are both benefits and set backs.

Since 'dad' works for Magnum Broadcasting ( radio station that has 6 stations under this one title ). Dad works on all of them but mainly the one near us ( Real Country 1260 ) and the one in State College ( QWIK Rock 105.7 ). Him and the boss of the company are like best friends. They talk about personal stuff and they rely on each other heavily. It is great to see great friends work together.

Luckily, dad seems to have a lot on his plate and I have a lot to try to get rid of in my head and since self harm isn't a practice looked favorably here, working myself to exhaustion ( pass or fail, success or complete fuck-up ). I work myself so hard because when I do I don't think of Jasmine or my son.

However, Spencer says that they take advantage of that. That they rely on me so much that if I am to leave then that this family would fail. And since he is in the committee, he does plan on U.S. leaving this family. he says we have things to do.

And I agree but ... I don't know. I get angry at them a lot and they disappoint me often but that is understandable, according to M.A.D. He says that people ( especially T.O.W. people ) are not perfect and most then to settle in that ideal and stay there rather than accept it as a possible outcome for trying.

But I do tend to do a lot. A few weeks ago, Dad needed my help with a Man Expo ( an Expo for everything masculine country ) and I was running around the place! Trying not to stay in one place too long or else James would get all chit chatty or flirty or too friendly. I ran from place to place to move things and check if anyone needed help or direction. Igor ( Uncle Larry and Auntie Shelly's new adopted kid from the Ukraine ) was extremely useful. I feel that he has had the same background that I had but came out better, granted a little more damaged than most would like to see.

But I worked myself so hard. And even though I worked myself to exhaustion within the 1st hour ( to the point where everyone who I went to look for something to do, just annoyingly politely sent me away ), that I injured myself. Spencer says that it was a Charlie Horse from physically quickly turning from one task to another that my thighs decided that it was enough. He claimed that it should go away but after laying in the kitchen on the floor waiting for it to go away ( keep in mind that many people came around and saw me on the ground and did nothing ), I got annoyed doing nothing and just waiting. So I crawled to a counter and grabbed a fork and stabbed myself on the opposite side of the thigh.

Now, you should be asking why and that is understandable if you didn't know my upbringing. When I was with Seth, he was always kind of a dick and hard ass about training but there was this one time where I realized how ... 'intense' he was/is.

I was tired of running for morning routine to which I can relate to military PT in T.O.W. and I told Seth that I was tired of running. He then 'hurt' my legs and asked which was more painful? The old pain or the new pain? I replied the new one. Then he asked if I felt the old pain. I said, no. Then he made me finish morning routine or else he would keep giving me new pain that would make me forget about the previous old pain.

I guess, I took from that, if you give yourself new pain, you would forget the old pain. I think I do that with the work ( work - new pain, Jasmine - old pain ). And this situation, since I knew I had to keep going or else me laying on the ground in pain would eventually allow my heart ( or whatever ) to think of Jasmine. I had to avoid that. So I did.

I finished the tasks I had to do, limping the rest of the day but pushing myself to make myself finish the task infront of me.

Dad found out. He hasn't asked me to go to any other event since then. I still do stuff at home though. I still find stuff to do, break or fix, success or fail, good or bad. Anything to .. not to experience the pain of losing Jasmine.

One of Those Nights

Nights like this, where I wake up in they middle of the night, where I gaff no work to do and I do not want to wake anyone with trying to do choirs at 4 in the morning, I am left with my thoughts.

And my thoughts almost always goes back to Jasmine. Sometimes, I try to push my mind to the bloodbath of my younger stages of life but I dose some ghosts work harder to haunt.

Before, when I had a bad day or a bad dream, I'd wake up to Jasmine next to me sometimes and I'd just cuddle myself to hee and quietly cry. Just to get it out. But then I'd smile because I had her to release to. Granted, she probably never know because she would be sleeping but a lot of times, her personality, my love for her, our family, they all kept the demons out for me. And when they got in, just her existence of someone so compassion and love and understanding ... made me feel that ... a monster like me can still be loved.

I no longer have that.

When I moved in here, I wanted to return the favor of them taking me in. But ... I'm starting to feel like a servant. A slave. A favored slave out of  one but still a slave that isn't allowed to leave.

I think ... Spencer knows they need me ... butt it isn't the same as being loved. Of loving. Like with Jasmine. And I've tried finding someone, anyone else, but I swear they see they monster and leaves.

Mom says I try too hard ... but what is to hard when it comes to saving your own life?

Maybe I just need to do something before morning choirs at 7. Maybe ... I need to do something. A pain that might dull the pain of her leaving me like Todd.

It Isn't Being 'ButtHurt'. It Is About Respect and Appreciation

Today, is the day that Saving Abel ( and Kira, Smile Empty Soul and Veer Union ) comes to the After Dark to perform a concert. I vaguely remember seeing Saving Abel before when Heather still had me under her spell. But then again, I could be confused. Thinking back to that time, a lot of things happened that I am not sure of.

Anyways, Dad needed help, as usual, and volunteered me into going, even though I have mentioned that I didn't want to go because the After Dark is in Clearfield and I no longer have any love for anything in Clearfield ( mainly because there is no love for me in Clearfield ). But he kept insisting he needed me and the boys to help.

So after working with Michael yesterday in Renovo, with CJ and his friend Logan, working a 4 way relay communication plan from the top of the mountain to the bottom that took us all day, Michael gave CJ a check for 100$ to split!

He was talking as if he and Logan was gonna split it 50/50 ( most likely to smoke weed ) and I was like, I drove you mother fuckers up here and did more of the technical stuff ( reading the meter for them to repeat on walkie-talkies down the mountain to Michael so he knew how to rotate the disk ). At the fucking very least it should be cut in 1/3 ( each getting around 33$ ). Then I remembered that the Elite Halo 3 Xbox 360 that he said he would give to me for 30$ so I told him that let's just let you keep the money but I keep the Halo 3 Xbox. Then he started whining that if he were to give me 20$ then he would be losing 10$. I was about the slam on the breaks and take the damn check and rip that shit up. Instead Spencer said that even though he is, in Spencer's words, a Neanderthal, throw enough logic and he'll change gears. So I explained to him that work I did compared to those two. Then he reluctantly agreed to the terms ( manly cuz Logan says that giving me an Xbox 360 he doesn't know where is and that doesn't work to keep the money makes sense - don't worry, I got that part covered ).

Well, anyways, I was upset about the whole payment thing. I don't get paid for any of the work I do for Dad or Michael. Matter of fact, Michael says that my payment is for the family using the company car since Josh wrecked theirs. But I don't even control the car and the only reason I am the one who drives it the most is because other than Mom, I am the only one with a license. I don't just take the car and I always replace the gas that I use ( unlike everyone else in the household who asks to be taken here, there and everywhere in-between ).

And why would he give the fucking check to CJ and not me? The older one and more reliable one. The one who has always been there when he needed it. I opened up to him so much about my 'military' experience and background. I thought we had somewhat of a kinship or brotherhood. Obviously, he tries CJ, the kid who whines and complains ( Michael's words ) whenever asked to do anything tough.

So that pissed me off Saturday.

And on Sunday, on the way to this fucking concert, dad was talking on why he  relied on CJ and Bobby to do security and I was like "WTF! I do everything you asked without question and I am not weak!" Then I explained that when I was living with Bernie in Philipsburg, they had me  life and hold trees to cut and move logs to the barn and even had me cut the logs for firewood. And that was a regular basis. CJ at one time ( according to Dad ) moved a 400lb furnace by myself. Yeah okay, whatever. He made a comment that he would have CJ and Bobby do security over me. Something about me having something to prove, which makes sense because they constantly put me down on things that I want to do.

Like earlier that morning, I was playing Max Payne 3 multiplayer and they were on my ass every time I got shot and died ( BTW, the Sawed Off is a game broken weapon ).

But with what Spencer keep saying about me being a tool to this family rather than an actual member. He says that is what always happens when it comes to T.O.W. families. Every persona has experienced let down after let down.

So getting there, I was already on the verge of pissed at everything. Getting there, I was hopeful. I was thinking I was far enough away from anywhere familiar and I doubt that anyone I knew had money to come to a concert they probably didn't want to go to. Until I got there and saw fucking Jesse Spencer. Jasmine's ex boyfriend before me but this douchebag hassled me when I came back from jail on FaceBook. Fucking FaceBook tough but if there was someone I wanted to take my frustration on was this dude who remained my FaceBook friend just to be a douche to me when I came back.

I tried tell Dad and the boys about it but they told me just to suck it up and worked. I just wanted to let them know that if this guys comes up to me, I won't even hold back. He won't throw a punch to set me off. Probably just talk to me and I would drop him for being a dick and for having Jasmine before me. But I doubt Dad, the boys ... or anyone would have understood. Yes, they seem to really get me, don't they.

But I did work. I directed and worked and get shit down. Even drove the bus driver to the local WalMart to grab bus maintainence things before having to drive the boys home ( because they were whiny and complaining about being there ). Luckily, when we were leaving, Lynnanne was coming with her boyfriend, so I considered that a bullet dodged.

That was until CJ and Bobby and Logan smoked up in the car. I was pissed. Angry. But ... again, I pussied out on putting my foot down. I guess I was worried about over stepping or allowing my anger from before handle this unrelated situation. So I just put on my headset and got home.

I just need ... something to change. And honestly, I hate it when I am wrong and Spencer is absolutly right.

Questioning my Fatherhood

Yesterday, Dad invited the local relatives over for a BBQ in our backyard. I didn't really want to make an appearance because ... well, I don't know them that well. I rather meet people in segments and slowly rather than 'oh hi! my name is ... ". I rather see you a few times while doing a choir. Give them time to get used to me. But in a group setting, it is difficult for U.S. to say the least.

Well, my cousin, Zack, brought his girlfriend ( whose name escapes me but I am sure it starts with a K so I am gonna call her K ) came too and brought her nephew.

He looked the size of Xavier but more energetic.

Suddenly, I started to miss him tremendously. And I started to question ... if I allowed him to have more fun when he was with me. When we were a family, Jasmine kind of took care of the fun aspect but she was always out and about ( probably with AJ ). I mean, we had fun but he wasn't anywhere near as active as this nephew of K was.

I think about Xavier, constantly ... but there are times that I question if I were a good enough father to my son :(

The Monster Within Lives

So today, I saw my therapist ( whom I call Doc ) and I was gonna tell her that Harley got a hold of me and that things are getting back on track. That I have made the decision to move out of my parents place before June 1st ( almost a year after my return to society ). About the phone calls and progress I've been making allot improving my life and lifestyle. 

I was .... 

But I brought up Jasmine's video from her YouTube. She said she still hasn't seen it even though I sent it to her about two weeks ago. The reason I brought it up because she said something that made me feel that she needed more information that even I didn't know since I haven't seen this final video from my wife and Doc doesn't know who she was/is.

The first video is a video that I tend to watch when I miss my old life. It is her with Xavier and she is apologizing for taking out her frustration on me. She was lovely and sweet and get laugh rang. She was my beautiful wife.

Sometimes, when I watch it, I forget that she was sleeping with 2-3 different guys ( unknown to me ) then.

Then I played the FORBIDDEN VIDEO for the Doc. The video that The Professor has specifically told me never to watch. But so many people have. People around me have seen it. Prior to Doc, my Mom ( Sue ) watched it. 

I left my own session for 15.minutes because even sitting in the waiting room, I felt I could hear something through the walls and it boiled me.

She opened the door to let me return to the remainder of our session. She said she didn't believe a lot if what she heard. I reminded her that I never seen the video. She said that she believes that the so-called happiness that Jasmine claims to having is false because the person she is with isn't telling her the truth about anything. I told her I haven't seen the video. 

She asked if I understood how afraid Jasmine was/is of me. 

I told her I never saw the video.

I explained no one was hurt. Hell, I was the only one hurt or even touched for that matter. I was the one who was bleeding ( both inside from her and outside from me ). I was not a danger to anyone else but me. No one else but myself. And Doc agrees ... but still insists that she was still scared ... off what she saw in me.

I left the season early. I got into the car wanting to flipping out. I controlled it. Until, about 3/4 of the way home, the song My Stupid Hay by Shawn Mullins played and I pulled over and thrashed around in the car. Punched the dents into the ceiling off the cockpit and cried a little ... loudly.

I thought I was less upset until I came home. We have this tree in front of our house. I got out the car and punched it lightly, just to get out a little. Then I punched it again, but with everything that I had. Obviously it hurt. But then I threw a three hit combo ... cuz I wanted another pain that wasn't ... in my heart. I needed outside pain to outweigh the inner one ... for now.

Not a permanent fix but something for right now. I don't think a masochist lifestyle it's really for me. But in all honesty, I kinda hope I broke my hand

Running Trend ...

Alright, this is another girl post. I suppose that it is women that tend to bother me enough to post about.

Well, anyways, Candi hasn't sent anything or replied to my messages in over 2 weeks. I would have been mad if it hasn't been like 5 no shows ( i have yet to see her ) and scarce phone calls ( 1-2 total ) and limited text messages in the 4-5 months of our psudeo relationship. The last time we talked was probably the end of last month, and I stopped trying to be excited or hopeful about seeing her. I was waiting to be surprised but more of the same continued so I continued on doing me.

In between, I haven't really been trying to find anyone in particular but I did try to maintain friendships and what not ( like in The Sims ). Not exactly flirting but still making advances where it seemed to fit.

Most of the women I mentioned in my New Year Resolution post I have taken a big step from. Ignoring messages and forgetting phone numbers. But, loneliness sets in sometimes.

It did for Jen. We started talking again. Like daily. It bothered me that she was still married and everything because of how closely related it was too my own relationship with my wife but it was different enough from her point of view. She says that it was him who stopped caring and who was pushing her away and making her life miserable.

I believed I wanted to rescue her from an uncaring environment and give her something more. Give myself something more. The ideas that a monster like me could be loved.

I admit, I started trying after the night where I opened up to her. I started to hope.

We made plans to hang out for Valentine's Weekend. However, last minute she got 'sick' ( even though she went back to work that weekend after calling off ) and we changed our plans.  Rather than dinner and movie stuff that we were going to do, we would just get a hotel room for two weekends after. Just us, talking, learning, being together ... testing out the waters.

Well, last weekend, she just disappeared. Stopped texting, no calls, even her Facebook was gone ! I figured something was done wrong or she found out something about me that drove her away. At first, I tried to ignore the pain of rejection and started to just go back to the grind. Worked twice as hard on house work and my "internship".

Several days and a breakdown later she messages me out of the blue. No intro and no real detailed explanation. Just that she had a breakdown cuz her husband stated to realize that he was going to be an ex-husband and he made everything harder on her.

Memory guilt slides the mental knife deeper into my soul ... but what would it matter if I am finally loved at the end, right?

I confront her about her talking to me if she really cared. If she was going through something, she didn't have to go along with it alone. I wanted to be there for her but that I wasn't going to have a repeat of Candi. I simply wasn't. She said that she would try harder to be better for both of us.

I told her that I'd see her in a few days since I'd be in the area and I'd pick her up for work. So I did. We talked a little but I could tell that something was not right. She seemed scared and distracted and just distant. I tried to tell her that I wanted to help. She was physically fine but emotional and mental abuse was a possibility ... Jasmine claimed I did the same thing but I never did. I always raised her up. Always tried to support her. Maybe she said it to others to gain people on her side.

Anyways, I tired to convince her that I was on her side. Wanted to be involved in what was going on. She said she wanted to run away and I told her that we would. I didn't want to be in this area. The memories killed me here and she agreed she had memories to run from too. We started to connect but she had to go to work.

I tried to hold her hand, hug her, kiss her ... but she wasn't "feeling" it. So I dropped her off and went on with my job of that day.

Came back to check up on her later and her demeanor completely changed. She was happier. Actually smiling which was not what she was doing before at all. I wanted to hug her in congratulating her change of mood but she was actually working with customers and gfs station related things. I tried waiting because ... well, I just wanted to have a few moments. Take a picture or something but people kept coming in and I had no idea if any particular person would tell her husband and cause her more trouble so I just got gas and left. She bought me two packs of smokes though. 

We talked for a days but once again, she has stopped replying to my text and messages. This weekend was suppose to be the Hotel Weekend. But I can't do this? Well, not this way.

I'd help if she asked. I'd stay if she showed she wanted me to. But without knowing, without the communication, I could be wasting my time and lately the committee has been on my case about T.O.W. people wasting our time and resources.

So last night, I sent her a text. A text that said that I cared tremendously but I was not going to have a repeat of Candi  ( or Jasmine for that matter ). If she cared then she'll make the effort but I'm not going be the only one trying. I'm not gonna be a side dude to someone I want to make my main focus. So I told her to take care of herself.

If she wants me she'll find me and make the effort. She'll come back.

But my breath is too valuable to me to waste on holding it. That I've at least learned

Revisiting the Haunted House

James suggested that I find someone like what Kayla was for a while. Someone to help release "stress". Normally, I would just work out out something in my own room but I don't have a room. I jump from bed to bed at home.

Luckily, James knew the best candidate. An old ex girlfriend who we constantly fight with but after our fights the make up sex made it ... tolerable. Until it didn't.

Her name is Jen G ( different Jen from Jen D ). She is living with an ex boy friend of James' old friend. However James's friend went back to jail for attempting suicide because he did not pay his fines and his boyfriend simply moved on to dude after dude after dude.

Anyways Jen G and I have been making this a semi regular stress reliever kinda thing. The first time I went to her place though I noticed writing on the wall. It was the name of an ex my brother Danny used to see. A Britt A. G. It was all over Jen's room and she hated it. She couldn't wait until she got the paint to paint over it. I thought it must be torturous with what the name meant because after our first try at a relationship, it was Britt that caused the initial rift.

But I had to admit that it helped. The stress reliever I mean. The work out.

But the name on the walls and in the closest ... something about it ...

Then it hit me. When I first got with Jasmine, she mentioned that she had an apartment with two people in our database, Elizabeth G. ... and her cousin Britt A. G..

So the house I was relieving stress at ... my wife was in. She did stuff here. Lived here. Slept there. Loved there. Partied here.

A life before she even met me.

So the last time I "worked out" with Jen G, I asked if there was any other names in the house. She showed me into the spare room. I asked what was the name.

She whimper Jasmine. She knew about it already. Keeping it from me, of course. She lived in a house with ghosts of people who meant more to me. Just have been torturous for her. A fitting hell for me.

I asked her where Jasmine's name was in this room. She said it was in the closet behind a bed.

And almost without thinking, almost effortlessly, I flip the bed away to open a closet full of boxes and worthless crap that meant nothing to me. I looked around in the dark closet to see her name. I fumbled my cell phone to produce light into the dark tomb that contained evidence of my wife.

Then I realized that I needed to take out the crap and boxes to see the walls. So I started to take boxes out ... and then throw boxes out of the closet. One after another. I heard screaming but I didn't care. I was tranced, focused, determined to find her name. Her signature. Her ... essence in the past. I just wanted her back in some way. Something that .... idk, proved she wasn't evil.

That the woman I loved more than myself existed. That ... I want tricked, maybe? That I ruined her. That I made her the horrible person who would throw her husband in jail and take away his son and his life and EVERYTHING!

And then I heard crying behind me. I turned to Jen G crying infront of a box I must have thrown. Glass as everywhere around the box from the box.

I slowly stood up to see that I trashed the room. Boxes everywhere and some of the stuff inside was all over the place. I turned back to the closet and realized I would have to do a lot more throwing to get you where I'm sure Jasmine wrote her name.

I stood there. Knowing that I kind of snapped, knowing that I must have been scaring Jen G. Hell, I was kinda scaring myself. But I wanted to know. I wanted to see. Right then, I just wanted her anyway I could still have my beautifully innocent wife.

I felt tears coming. The desperation ... how sad and pathetic it was was creeping up on me. I started to feel it and I didn't want anyone else to see it. The tears. The tears that I destroyed my life and everyone around it.

So I left. I got into the car I borrowed for the night and the phone played Lorde - Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat. Not her life song or our song but her 'I'm leaving you' song. The song that kills me everyone I hear it. I tried to make myself immune to it but it did not work. At least not this time.

Driving home, driving over 100 mph was a minimum. I wanted to drive fast. Drive away from the memories ... our maybe I was going to hit a pebble. But I'm too good a driver for that. Way too good a driver. But I pushed that damn Subaru to its fucking limit! And it was semi-Manuel so it pushed me. Took my head away from where my heart wanted it to be.

I know others night have thought it stupid, especially with the fact my sister LaFall died in a car crash. And honestly, I can't say that I didn't want to die either right then. But I didn't. So I still have work here to do obviously.

Obviously some work

Dealing with the Monster called Nicolas

So, yesterday, I realized I didn't want to be home so I managed to get access to the car. I was going to hang out with Jen G but … half way there, she texted that her roommate Doug D had a problem with all the guests she had coming in and out of the place ( I think ). Regardless, I felt it was too much drama. Too much … of a mess to want to even deal with and very little reward to come out of it.

So I messaged Jenn D. Now Jenn D … well, she is someone who I was acquainted with a few years back. Before Jasmine but after coming back from Retreat. Never thought she would be interested in me only because ( I admit sadly ) I believed that she wanted a country guy because she was a country girl.

Well, we started talking again and she told me she has always been into me. Sadly that was around the same time I was trying to get with Candi and I didn't want to try to see one girl and have a girl on the side. But I did want to keep her as a friend. She seemed genuine and I needed more of that around me. So we kept close.

But then Candi's constant lack of conviction and effort made me lean away from her and try to talk to Jenn. But then even Jenn decided to step away from me so I focused more on me for a while and less on everyone else. With Candi it was easy because she never bothered to see me and didn't really message me unless I messaged her first.

Well, today, I just realized that I wanted to talk to someone new. Someone outside from my norm and I wanted to see if she would go for it. And she did and we went to grab something to eat at McDonalds/ I tried paying but I soon found out that the card Dad returned to me was my old card that was deactivated. Jenn was nice enough to cover for me and try to get me to not … 'overact'. She was trying to calm me down.

Then we started talking and the talk got deep. She talked about what she heard about me and wanted to hear things from my side. I asked her what she heard and she told me she heard from Jasmine's aunt, Audrey that I was a monster. Even used the word devil.

I realized that no matter how much I try to hide who I am, that will always show through. No matter what good deeds I attempt to accomplish or what I have done, the monster in me that I was raised to be will show.

While contiplating whether I should just jump out the car and leave or return the company car and disappear, Jenn told me to look at her and I did. And she kissed me. Actually kissed me. And I didn't have flash backs of Jasmine or how horrible I was. All of that washed away and I just wanted … to prove that I was a Good Beast. That I deserved to live.

And I returned the kiss. Hard. Desperate. Determined. I remembered the conversations Jenn and I had and I remembered … the potential of what I could offer.

And when the kiss was over, I realized that I was back in the company car, stopped in the middle of the road, a little dazed actually now that I remember it.

I drove us to the park and we sat and I talked. I told her about Jasmine and MY brothers and my world and the life I had before even coming here. And she sat and she listened as I went on and on and on and everything came out. The suicide around me and my suicide attempts, MY brothers and their roles, what Jasmine meant to me and what happened up to The Incident. Everything I could. And when I realized I gave her a little too much, I looked at her and she just reached for my hand and held it. Told me she was there for me.

Then we went into her life and she opened up. Opened up about her dad and his problems and how he should have stopped what happened to her. I won't repeat her story because … well, it is her story but it was rough. Something I am sure that James could relate to.

After her story, I embraced her and we kissed again. And then we joked around about how I didn't think I was a good kisser. She said that she was willing to teach me how to do it better but she wanted have one more test go so I gave it everything I got. I even used some of James' old tips that he gave me a few years back. When it was over, she just looked at me … and then she just busted up with giggles and this big ass smile.

I think I passed.

We just sat and talked for a while and then I mentioned that I should get her home. We were out for like 3hours! Her ( soon to be ex ) husband and son were home probably worried. She said that her son was in good hands and that 'to hell' with her husband. I told her that she still should get home and then she had this extremely sad face.

Then I suggested we drive to Wal-Mart. She needed a new job anyways. So we went and she applied and we talked and joked while she filed out an application right there. I got a few pictures and I realized that my hair … it was too much James, too much Spencer. And I didn't want to share. I know, I know, it was kind of what I was thinking when I was with Jasmine but … I didn't want this relationship to be a mess like that one. I kept too many secrets. I compromised too much. No, I have to learn to that if I want something I have to stand by it!

After that, I was about to drive her home when she said that she wanted to meet my parents ( Chuck and Sue ). I looked at her. I knew. She didn't want to go home. I knew then that I would have to see her tomorrow. Just to be safe. Not hang out but just see if she was hurt or damaged or anything.

Anyways, I called and got the green light to bring her home to meet them. We talked and chit-chatted on the way there and I think I was trying to calm and prep myself down as well as prep and calm her down about meeting my family.

And the short version is that mom and dad loved her! She went toe to toe with Dad and his … playful dick-headedness and mom and her understood each other for being bother hard working women and all that. Even shared horror stories of jobs not being able to pa their employees on time.

Josh worked with Jenn before ( which I totally forgot ) so for them it was like seeing an good old friend. Honestly, it turned out really well, all things considered.

The drink home was a little sobering. I knew that she was going back to her husband and she asked me to explain to him where she was and how long she was gone. We worked on our cover stories ( like my days of old in Haven ) and when we got there, we executed it. He was a disappointment from the first sight. I doubt a heads up would have made much of a difference. He looked like a slob. And he was oddly shaped. He must have been way more impressive

She was kind of shaky, which was understandable. I got to leave. She had to stay. It meant far more to her than it ever could to me really. We had to be careful. I was polite and nice. Not overbearing and believable. He seemed like he was understanding and nice about it. Shook my hand and used nice words to both me and her. When I shook his hand, I gave him the handshake I learned to give from the military. The one where you show you are stronger. I was. He knew. I smiled at him and I left giving Jenn and hug and a kiss on her neck to let me know if anything happens and that I'd be here like lightning.

The next day, I was coming back from sleeping at Tyra and Tammy's place and drive into the gas station she worked at. Half the pumps didn't work and the pump that did only allowed one time of gas. The ATM inside didn't work and it looked under supplied. No wonder she never got her paychecks on time. But she looked fine. No bruises and no extra make up or anything. But I could tell that she looked exhausted. She told me that they argued throughout the night on how she brought 'someone like me' to their house.

I instantly thought on how dad claimed to have all these people who would fight or him and protect him because he was some big deal. But I never did. Not even Jackie and Tye did that for me because they respected that I had to fight my own battles and wars. Mostly so my head would blow up ( like most tends to ). But it would have been nice to call up Bobby and CJ and Tyler to come and beat some sense into this guy's head. To pull a 'Fight Club' on him. To tell him to make things end with Jenn to her complete benefit.

But I knew I couldn't … I wouldn't. Not their problem. Hell, it wasn't even mine. It was Jenn's. I had to do what Jackie and Tye do for me. Let me fight my battles. But I told her that I was here if anything happened. And I left with a hug and premium gas.

I worry now, but I also have hope. I have a few things to do. I have to end it with Candi … if she ever really allows there to be a conversation between us. And I do believe I am going to end it with her. I am not used to this but honestly, it is something that has to happen. I really liked Candi, or at least the idea of Candi. She is nice and sweet and smart and determined … but she wasn't determined with me or even with us. And I need someone who is … better than that. Someone who makes that effort. Talks and … well, someone who wants to be known.

Things are not okay with Kay

Katelyn ( Kay ) and I had an argument last year. We started arguing about something related to how I treated our friendship. She mentioned something that lead to her saying all I talked to her about was other girls.

When she said that, I was hurt until I went back in our conversations and realized it was true. I did talk a lot about other girls. Not like James talk but about the failed attempts at a friend's/relationship stuff.

I was/am trying to get over Jasmine. Maybe it was how I was trying to not feel like a complete failure and Kay has always been my voice of reason. The grounded voice that told me what I needed to hear. She didn't let me get away with shit but she did it in a way that didn't make me want to smash things. She was my platonic soulmate ( we joked ).

And then/now, I needed guidance. More than just good advice.

And she was yelling at me for trying to move on from Jasmine and telling her about it. I got mad. I slammed in my desk and then tried to calm myself. I looked back and saw that I did talk about other things and I tried to talk to her do many times and she just ... never got back to me.

I told her that I tried to talk to her about other things. My blog ( which I have on my Facebook bio but no one notices luckily ) and my Second Chance Review page and video games and such. Especially Jasmine. I even pointed that I know about what is going on in her life and I comment and like her life events because since I can't be where she is ( she lives in Michigan ). She says she doesn't really even check other people's stuff on Facebook.

We went back and forth until she said she got it out if her system and she was okay. I didn't want to argue anymore and I didn't want to lose my ( platonic ) soulmate so I dropped it too.

Since then, I made a New Year Resolution based upon what we argued about ( worry less about other women and more about me ) and I made her more of an active part of SCR. she became my editor. She didn't like my writers though because she thought they ... were horrible writers.

And that was okay with me. She was so much better at writing than most people I knew. She had multiple fanfics with a big fan base so she had to be good at catching what I miss grammar wise and maybe help fix it towards the direction I wanted it to go.

But she, like, reviewed like two and I've had to kind of go over the rest in a mad dash before the 3pm deadline on Friday. Well either today or yesterday I mentioned that I needed a review and she was on top of it with a review of the Darkest of Days. I was so happy.

And with the new direction I want to take with SCR I wanted her to post it on the Facebook page and group of SCR and suddenly she had no time and she seemed annoyed.

I don't know what I do that asks people do much but if my ( platonic ) soulmate is asked with me ... maybe I'm doing life wrong

New Year Goals for 2016!

So the New Year is here and things need to get better. Seriously can't keep going on like this because it isn't productive. It isn't enough. Not for me and definitely not for U.S. They are just tolerating it at the moment but ... I can't fail them too. And honestly, they are far more important than whatever affairs I have going on so I have to start putting them higher on the priority ladder.

Also, I was talking to Vincent a few days ago before the New Year and I gave him a break down of what I have been doing and the previously, mentioned that I have to do more for me and even though I have started to get rid of people in my life that I felt were weeds ... I kept a few of them for nostalgia reasons.

That needs to stop. A lot of things need to stop ... and a few things need to start.

GOALS FOR 2016

• Delete Social Media "friends" that don't post, are connected to anyone who isn't for morally supporting me in my life. Trying to make my digital footprint more useful.

On my Facebook, there are a lot of people that I have on there that aren't really for me, even when they say they are. They have no real purpose other than I saw potential in them and yet they dropped the ball hardcore. I am not Michael. I am bad at seeing the good in people and having it pan out. It always turns out to be false. I would just shut down the whole Social Media thing but it isn't just for me but it is part of the "revised" NJS Project idea.

Spencer says that a public image needs to be established. Not only to try to reach more resources but also for the next version ( if there is going to be a next version ) to pick up from and watch and have a better idea on what he has behind him.

But then again, that is just if he picks up from where I leave. He might be assigned to do his own thing and leave my life alone to just disappear like so many other personas before me.

Regardless, I have to weed out people who depress me, disappoint me, let me down and are just worthless in my personal growth. That's first and foremost. 

• The Legacy Webisodes ( Preparing a Legend )

Do any of you guys remember seeing Iron Man 2? Tony Stark ( Iron Man ) did not have a good relationship with his father and Tony held on to that for a long time. When he was dealing with the events of Iron Man 2, he was watching old work videos of his father. While watching one of his father's work videos, his father took aside some time to talk to his "future" son. Telling him how much he meant to him and what he needed to do to succeed in life. Somewhere, within that video Tony gained a new found love for his father and the solution to the movie's problem.

I don't know what Xavier, my son, will face in the future but I do know I want to be there ... incase I am not there for him. Jasmine has him now and because of the PFA ( a form of a Restraining Order ) I can't be there for him for another 2 years!

The plan is that I want to leave lessons that I am learning for him. I don't want him to make the mistakes I have made. I want him to learn from what I have done to make himself better. So whenever I come up with an idea for a lesson or anything, I try to make a 3-5 minute video about it, in hopes that he'll see it and learn from it.

So far, I have made 4 to 5 videos about different things that I know about life. Maybe I might advance that to things about me. Me! Not U.S. Sounds kind of selfish but I have to prepare him somehow even if I am not there. Some of these things are kind of advance for him now but I am hoping that once he is older he will see the videos and see how much I loved and cared for him.

I am still debating if I want the others to be in it. Spencer, James, Michael, Danny, Tobias ... even other people in my life. Still working on just doing it ya know cuz I can't just pull it out and do it whenever. I have to find a quiet place or ( in the case where mom ... sue, was driving ) with people around me that won't distract and just watch and understand. 

• Remembrance ( a homage to those important in my life but aren't in it anymore )

Even though there are a lot of people that are ( currently ) linked digitally and personally to me that I need to get rid of there are a few that I do feel something for about no longer being in my life. Some of them are really close while other are just people I want to know that they lost a great change to be part of something more.

I suppose I just to let certain people know who they are to me. Because some people need to know that their actions have effects on other people. A lot of people tell me that other people don't matter and that what you do is just on you. But they are wrong. I have learned that no one person is an island. What every single person does effects another, whether they know it or not.

And whether good or bad, people have to know what they have done. And since it is my life, they have to know what they have done to me ... since I'll be getting rid of anyway for them to contact me at all.

I haven't started but I have plenty of plans on what to say to and to whom. That is a work in process.

• Obtain myself another Personal Vehicle

For those of you that don't know, around the time that Jasmine left, I purchased a family car. Not a car to look cool with or to impress anyone but I wanted a car more for Xavier. Something safe and practical. So I got a 2003 PT Cruiser ( it was cheaper than getting a Volvo or Subaru ).

However, whenever I went away, I let my sister use the car because she needed it ( even though it was under me and my mom ( Sue ) 's name ). Lynn made it seem like she need it far more than my mom did but I did tell them to share it if they both need it. Well, some sort of conflict arrised with it and mom just told Lynnanne to use it since she was being difficult. In the arguing, my insurance ( that grandad, Sue's dad had me on ) ran out.

Shortly after that, Josh slipped on some black ice and wrecked it. So coming back, I had no car ( even though Lynn said she would pay for me to get a new car ... even though she didn't have one herself ) and have been driving mom's car ( until Josh wrecked that too and now we are driving a car that dad's boss is giving to us on loan until we can purchase another one ).

Since moving in with mom and dad, I have been giving them a big chuck of my money to help with the rent and bills and such ( hell, I am living here after all ). But mom is working on a settlement that will bring in a lot of money come the end of January. However, there is a chance it won't come in and I am prepared mentally for that but if it does, they will repay all that money that I used for the rent/bills and with that, I am getting a new car for myself.

Matt, Brandi's fiance, has a Subaru that he wants to sell for 3400$ and I want it ( because it is a Subaru and I love Subarus ). However, Tammy told me that while she was hanging out with her sister Amy, Brandi and Matt, that Brandi and Matt where laughing at the fact that I was going to buy a fucked up car. Naturally, that would bar me from even talking to them but I do want that car. So let's be smart about it, I'll look around for another car but if I don't find one that I like, then I'll tell Matt that I'll take it but I am going to take it to a trusted mechanic ( this family that I am living with now knows a lot of mechanics ) to see what is wrong with it and what I need to spend to bring it up to code. If it is more than what the asking price is for it then I'll tell him that I'll take it off his hands for what the junk yard would take it for ( maybe a few hundred more to sweeten the pot ).

That will reduce the price considerably and with the left over money, I'll pay for the repairs and have my own 'Fast and Furious' rally car! I am looking forward to this. I expect to pay somewhere between 1000-1500$ for the car and then at the most another 1k for the repairs. That I am okay with.

• Obtain another Home Base

When I first got my place in Clearfield, I was working on making it a ... well, a Home Base. No one knew where I lived and I moved so much equipment into the place. What I could move without being too suspicious. Obtained TVs, monitors, hardware. I needed a personal Central Hub for information and data saving ... on a budget.

Then I got with Jasmine and my Head Quarters became a home. Changed everything. Packed away most of the equipment and put "family" stuff up. Pictures and got things family orientated furniture and such. Even got things for Xavier before he got born. And when my apartment wasn't enough, we moved across the hall to a bigger place.

And even though I had to get rid of the work, I still kept my apartment practical and ... well, it worked. But being in jail caused me to lose all that and Lynnann only really saved things that she figured she would eventually need herself. 93% of what I owned is gone. Never to be seen again. When the realization of how much history and stuff was actually gone ... I admit, I cried. Not just for me but for my brothers too. Their stuff was gone too. Letters and pictures and equipment and so, so much more.

And living with Lynnann after jail ... well, I wasn't content. James was because they didn't give a fuck where he went as long as it didn't follow him home but I wasn't. No matter what I did, it wasn't enough. And I wanted to constantly kill Bridget.

Living with Mom and Dad now isn't so bad. It is slightly better. And I do so much here that I keep myself busy but at the same time, I have no room, I have no where to actually keep my stuff so it is kind of shattered throughout the house in "hiding" spots.

I need my own safe haven. My own place. Damn, at the moment, I'll settle for my own room. Just something to call mine.

Mom and Dad want to buy the whole duplex when Mom gets her settlement. I will get a room in that one ( and maybe another one for Xavier when I get him back ) but would that really be enough. Mom and Dad want me close to them because they worry about a encore of my incident with Jasmine ( since I am still having flashbacks and whatnot ) so I have to prove that I can handle that and take hold of my life again.

I am not sure if I want to live with anyone else really but I think I might have to at first. And if I don't live with Mom and Dad, they would be okay if I live close enough for them to take action if something did happen. However, if U.S. feels that being a hindrance then we might ghost. I am hoping that things don't come to do that but that depends on how well I handle this year.

• Expand on my Second Chance Reviews page

I started this project of mine before I left at the end of Summer of 2014 and when I came back mid 2015, I have been trying really hard to keep up with it. A post by the end of the work week ( Friday ) so that people who get their paychecks on Fridays can see it and go to the store with a better idea on what to pick up.

I have been trying to get lesser named games and older games that are cheaper because that is what Second Chance Reviews ( SCR ) is all about. The poorer gamer who wants a heads up on a good or bad game or for games who got a bad wrap to get another swing!

So far, I have a Facebook Group and Facebook Page. I also have a Google Blogspot page and my friend, Shawn got me a website for SCR. I honestly didn't think I would have so many venues so quickly but feel lucky to have so much for something that I just started taking more seriously. I even have myself an Editor ( Katelyn ) and two writers so far ( JenM and ReneH ). I want 1-2 more writers so I can just worry about the actual upkeep of the website but for the moment I am also a writer and I have to admit that it is tough for me to keep up on posting every week and play a particular game for a week and write a review for it by Friday ( with everything else that I have to do around the house and for U.S. ).

The week before Christmas and Christmas itself and then New Years Day were void of actual posts. I haven't just been slacking but the holidays suck for actual free time.

Also, it doesn't help that dad keeps saying that it isn't important since it doesn't bring in any money but I am constantly surrounded by 'nah' sayers so I let that shit roll off me and keep doing me.

I was never in this for the money but I was in it for the love of gaming! It is part of who I am. 

( Actually, I would have more fun making webisodes on how to operate firearms since I am seriously more interested in that! But I am not allowed to even touch a firearm :'( )

This year, I want to at least force myself to post ( either through me or through writers I find ) 3-4x times a month. I also need to find a way to better manage the website. It is nice to have a website but if it doesn't look good then what's the point. I want to be able to purchase advertisement before mid-year. Facebook got avenues for that and since I know both Shawn and Dad, they would advertise for me on a discounted rate ( I hope ).

Next year, if I do well with this I'll start "First Impression". More on that Next Year!

• Indulge into the Gaming Scene

I enjoy playing video games. I do take care of things. I help cook, clean and work ( ask people who know me )! I take care of what I need to take care of and when I got myself some well desired free time, I juggle everything else ( social media, friends, video games ... trust me that is a lot to juggle ).

Well, lately, I have been trying to join a few  FB groups involving gaming and whatnot. I got myself a Twitch Account in hopes to start my own Twitch channel come the turn of the year ( that plan feel behind a little. still waiting on parts ). Lynn won't return the XBox I bought or the games I owned and I found a few that my brothers "borrowed" while I was away ( not knowing what else is floating around in this house ).

I have tried to focus on my Second Chance Reviews websites/pages/blogs but it is a lot for one person. I am trying to befriend and recruit as much as I can but ... well, money is the great motivator that I do not have lol But I am hoping that some people who play video games and who know how to write a little are willing to give their options on some underdogs of games! :D

The community is out there. I just have to convince them to do something they already love and try something new. So far I have two writers ( JenM and ReneH ) and editor ( Katelyn ).

KayM - Editor

ReneH - Writer

JennM - Writer

It is growing but I want more!

I want an active Twitch Account that I broadcast on regularly ( once a week ... twice tops! ) and it will be more up to date games than my SCR site. I would like to get a new XBox 360 that's mine ( since my sister Lynn won't give back the one I paid her for, cause she has amnesia about me paying her for it ) and trying to share 2 in a household of 7 with 3 TV is hard ( trust me it is ). If I have the money, I'll buy a Xbox One but I don't know if its sharing protocol allows for inbox window to see me while I play ... or if I have to buy a computer to even do that.

I also want to build a Gaming PC. Danny ( my computer tech in T.O.W. ) says that it would take a little under 400$ to get a good one. There a few games I want to have on my Twitch Broadcasting account. Mainly Elder Scrolls Online, Diablo, StarBound and this GunZ 2 game! Good stuff, I'll say.

But before all of that, I have to update my computer. Graphics Card and maybe a new processor. I got the hardware so I am about half way there, no? Once again, Mom and Dad says they'll pay for that too.

If not then I'll have to re-evaluate my family contributions.

• Stop Putting Anyone ( Women ) Over Me

I don't know where I went wrong with Jasmine but Vincent says that my problem with her ( and probably every woman in my life ) is that I put them before me. I explain to him that women I do that to, I love to that level to care about them before me. Then he says, "And they know it and they use that shit as a stepping stone. Once they realize you are starting to not support their damn weight they will find another stone. Don't be that stone." ( paraphrased from Vincent )

I have to admit that since I have been back, I have been through a lot of heartache. Some of them James set up "dates" for me and other times, I find interest in people. Let's go down the list and write what went wrong.

Lacey - "my racist dad wouldn't understand" - her words

Brandi - taken ... sadly

Ebu - I decided to friendzone

Shiane - strung me along for months

( photo not available )

Bre - taken

Chantell - disappeared

Marsha - nutcase

Stephanie - too stuck in her old ways to change

Samantha - complete diss

Denise - "not black enough"

Ashley - old love who became too slutty to tolerate

Melissa - over-complicating and weird

Frosty - friendzoned me

Jeanie - she was too tired to bother

Kayla - FwB ex-gf who moved on ... multiple times

Amanda - uninterested

Mandy - semi-mutual friendzoned

Jeska - BDSM who lost interest and became unreliable

Krystal ( KiK ) - major mood swings ... potential catfish

Jennay - disappeared

April - not "black" enough

Karla - career focused

Right now, I am trying to make things work with Candi but I am feeling that once again, I am making all the effort. I think I am going to give her one more month and then drop her and call it quits if things don't approve ... across the board. No dating. No talking. No trying to impress. Nope. Done. Finish. Fin! Completely too old, too tired and too heartbroken to keep trying
like this to just keep falling. Yeah, I could switch up tactics but honestly, this is a young guy's game and I am way behind and got way more important things to do.

Sorry ladies, I am officially done bothering to try anymore. The only thing I got on me is my son now. And speaking of which ...

• Get Xavier Back

Honestly, before I went to jail, Jasmine would not have had a snowball chance in hell of getting Xavier in a custody battle. At the time, I was way more stable. My name was on everything since I actually paid for everything ( if not the majority of everything ). I owned the apartment and the things inside of it ( expect for her closest of stuff she owned ). I owned a car and I had a steady flow of money that came in a went directly into bills. The teachers would come in to help prep Xavier for school and it was me who was with him and them and it was me who worked with him after they left and kept the records and recorded everything and ... EVERYTHING! I did everything and I regretted nothing. He was my son, the product of love ( I thought ) and I wanted the world for him.

Then when Jasmine told me ... what she told me ... I felt that I failed everyone. That I was a joke to everyone. The most important person to me next to my son didn't just betray me but has been. She has been playing me for a fool and ... what she did was more than cheat on me, she killed my soul. The inner me that believed and hoped and dreamt that a messed up person like me can have a happy ending - that is what she killed. And I couldn't handle that. I've been shot and stabbed and beaten and even tortured. But that, that hurt way more than anything because that killed who I was.

And I attempted to make the pain stop.

And from that, they arrested me and she tried to take as much from me as possible. The most precious thing was my son. And since coming back ... well, I can't say that I have been doing everything as I can because I know that I have to figure out what I want to return to him as. I can't return to him as the destroyed man that his mother left behind. I can't be the monster I was before, either. And I can't be ... I need to be better.

I need the following:
- self-sustaining money flow
- suitable and comfortable living environment ( to my own standards along with the government )

- my own form of transportation
- my anger and other emotions under control
- better support system ( for him, not for me )
- to be on track with what U.S. needs/wants

Not exactly a tall order but still none of those things are an over night task. I got the SSI back but it isn't fixed. I have to refund the money that Lynn took while I was in jail so I lose a little under 200$ from each check to pay it back. The difficulties with that whole situation lies here if you want to read more on that.

And depending how this duplex idea pans out determines if I stay here or look elsewhere for what I need when it comes to Xavier and I. I love my family here ( believe it or not ) but it is kind of crazy here. Regardless of each of their immature personalities, 7 people is a lot to deal with ( without adding the whole U.S. situation ). And then there are the 3 days that I don't care for but I have to help take care of ( the owners of the dogs barely take care of them but they throw fits about us giving them away ).

I am hoping that I can control a little more of what happens on the other side of the house when the whole duplex is purchased but if I can't handle it or I don't feel that we all are on the same page, I will go elsewhere to try to make it happen. I am not looking to move anyone in if I get to have him over at my place. Like I am not looking for another person to help me with him. I needed Jasmine for that and I relied on her so much ( for mental/moral support ) that when she left, it broke down completely. I have to be able to grow beyond that while I am here in T.O.W. I can't let what happen before or anything like that breakdown happen again. I can't lose my son. I can't lose the Legacy.

Now, the reason I am working on weeding out the worthless people isn't just because for me but I have to surround myself with a better caliber of people for him. Who I hang out with, he will be exposed to so I have to work on that a lot better.

I wasn't that angry as a person before on the outside. I held it in for Xavier ... for Jasmine. I held everyone of my brothers back as long as I could. I swear I did but ... one vs six doesn't work. So rather than doing the same thing as before, I have to learn new skills. I have to learn to manage them. To handle them. To make sure that I deserve the title of Primary.

And I have to stand on my own. I can not stress that enough. There is only so much I can stand other people supporting me. Especially, family, as strange as that seems. I am too old to still be home. Visit for a little while but I am starting to feel that it is time that I make a move for advancement here.

I have to be more than me for Xavier. Because I gave him my word ...

But that is the goals for 2016 for now. I am hoping that I keep that very much on track for a whole year. And this entry has extended long enough so ... hopefully more on progress very soon.