Running Trend ...

Alright, this is another girl post. I suppose that it is women that tend to bother me enough to post about.

Well, anyways, Candi hasn't sent anything or replied to my messages in over 2 weeks. I would have been mad if it hasn't been like 5 no shows ( i have yet to see her ) and scarce phone calls ( 1-2 total ) and limited text messages in the 4-5 months of our psudeo relationship. The last time we talked was probably the end of last month, and I stopped trying to be excited or hopeful about seeing her. I was waiting to be surprised but more of the same continued so I continued on doing me.

In between, I haven't really been trying to find anyone in particular but I did try to maintain friendships and what not ( like in The Sims ). Not exactly flirting but still making advances where it seemed to fit.

Most of the women I mentioned in my New Year Resolution post I have taken a big step from. Ignoring messages and forgetting phone numbers. But, loneliness sets in sometimes.

It did for Jen. We started talking again. Like daily. It bothered me that she was still married and everything because of how closely related it was too my own relationship with my wife but it was different enough from her point of view. She says that it was him who stopped caring and who was pushing her away and making her life miserable.

I believed I wanted to rescue her from an uncaring environment and give her something more. Give myself something more. The ideas that a monster like me could be loved.

I admit, I started trying after the night where I opened up to her. I started to hope.

We made plans to hang out for Valentine's Weekend. However, last minute she got 'sick' ( even though she went back to work that weekend after calling off ) and we changed our plans.  Rather than dinner and movie stuff that we were going to do, we would just get a hotel room for two weekends after. Just us, talking, learning, being together ... testing out the waters.

Well, last weekend, she just disappeared. Stopped texting, no calls, even her Facebook was gone ! I figured something was done wrong or she found out something about me that drove her away. At first, I tried to ignore the pain of rejection and started to just go back to the grind. Worked twice as hard on house work and my "internship".

Several days and a breakdown later she messages me out of the blue. No intro and no real detailed explanation. Just that she had a breakdown cuz her husband stated to realize that he was going to be an ex-husband and he made everything harder on her.

Memory guilt slides the mental knife deeper into my soul ... but what would it matter if I am finally loved at the end, right?

I confront her about her talking to me if she really cared. If she was going through something, she didn't have to go along with it alone. I wanted to be there for her but that I wasn't going to have a repeat of Candi. I simply wasn't. She said that she would try harder to be better for both of us.

I told her that I'd see her in a few days since I'd be in the area and I'd pick her up for work. So I did. We talked a little but I could tell that something was not right. She seemed scared and distracted and just distant. I tried to tell her that I wanted to help. She was physically fine but emotional and mental abuse was a possibility ... Jasmine claimed I did the same thing but I never did. I always raised her up. Always tried to support her. Maybe she said it to others to gain people on her side.

Anyways, I tired to convince her that I was on her side. Wanted to be involved in what was going on. She said she wanted to run away and I told her that we would. I didn't want to be in this area. The memories killed me here and she agreed she had memories to run from too. We started to connect but she had to go to work.

I tried to hold her hand, hug her, kiss her ... but she wasn't "feeling" it. So I dropped her off and went on with my job of that day.

Came back to check up on her later and her demeanor completely changed. She was happier. Actually smiling which was not what she was doing before at all. I wanted to hug her in congratulating her change of mood but she was actually working with customers and gfs station related things. I tried waiting because ... well, I just wanted to have a few moments. Take a picture or something but people kept coming in and I had no idea if any particular person would tell her husband and cause her more trouble so I just got gas and left. She bought me two packs of smokes though. 

We talked for a days but once again, she has stopped replying to my text and messages. This weekend was suppose to be the Hotel Weekend. But I can't do this? Well, not this way.

I'd help if she asked. I'd stay if she showed she wanted me to. But without knowing, without the communication, I could be wasting my time and lately the committee has been on my case about T.O.W. people wasting our time and resources.

So last night, I sent her a text. A text that said that I cared tremendously but I was not going to have a repeat of Candi  ( or Jasmine for that matter ). If she cared then she'll make the effort but I'm not going be the only one trying. I'm not gonna be a side dude to someone I want to make my main focus. So I told her to take care of herself.

If she wants me she'll find me and make the effort. She'll come back.

But my breath is too valuable to me to waste on holding it. That I've at least learned

Dealing with the Monster called Nicolas

So, yesterday, I realized I didn't want to be home so I managed to get access to the car. I was going to hang out with Jen G but … half way there, she texted that her roommate Doug D had a problem with all the guests she had coming in and out of the place ( I think ). Regardless, I felt it was too much drama. Too much … of a mess to want to even deal with and very little reward to come out of it.

So I messaged Jenn D. Now Jenn D … well, she is someone who I was acquainted with a few years back. Before Jasmine but after coming back from Retreat. Never thought she would be interested in me only because ( I admit sadly ) I believed that she wanted a country guy because she was a country girl.

Well, we started talking again and she told me she has always been into me. Sadly that was around the same time I was trying to get with Candi and I didn't want to try to see one girl and have a girl on the side. But I did want to keep her as a friend. She seemed genuine and I needed more of that around me. So we kept close.

But then Candi's constant lack of conviction and effort made me lean away from her and try to talk to Jenn. But then even Jenn decided to step away from me so I focused more on me for a while and less on everyone else. With Candi it was easy because she never bothered to see me and didn't really message me unless I messaged her first.

Well, today, I just realized that I wanted to talk to someone new. Someone outside from my norm and I wanted to see if she would go for it. And she did and we went to grab something to eat at McDonalds/ I tried paying but I soon found out that the card Dad returned to me was my old card that was deactivated. Jenn was nice enough to cover for me and try to get me to not … 'overact'. She was trying to calm me down.

Then we started talking and the talk got deep. She talked about what she heard about me and wanted to hear things from my side. I asked her what she heard and she told me she heard from Jasmine's aunt, Audrey that I was a monster. Even used the word devil.

I realized that no matter how much I try to hide who I am, that will always show through. No matter what good deeds I attempt to accomplish or what I have done, the monster in me that I was raised to be will show.

While contiplating whether I should just jump out the car and leave or return the company car and disappear, Jenn told me to look at her and I did. And she kissed me. Actually kissed me. And I didn't have flash backs of Jasmine or how horrible I was. All of that washed away and I just wanted … to prove that I was a Good Beast. That I deserved to live.

And I returned the kiss. Hard. Desperate. Determined. I remembered the conversations Jenn and I had and I remembered … the potential of what I could offer.

And when the kiss was over, I realized that I was back in the company car, stopped in the middle of the road, a little dazed actually now that I remember it.

I drove us to the park and we sat and I talked. I told her about Jasmine and MY brothers and my world and the life I had before even coming here. And she sat and she listened as I went on and on and on and everything came out. The suicide around me and my suicide attempts, MY brothers and their roles, what Jasmine meant to me and what happened up to The Incident. Everything I could. And when I realized I gave her a little too much, I looked at her and she just reached for my hand and held it. Told me she was there for me.

Then we went into her life and she opened up. Opened up about her dad and his problems and how he should have stopped what happened to her. I won't repeat her story because … well, it is her story but it was rough. Something I am sure that James could relate to.

After her story, I embraced her and we kissed again. And then we joked around about how I didn't think I was a good kisser. She said that she was willing to teach me how to do it better but she wanted have one more test go so I gave it everything I got. I even used some of James' old tips that he gave me a few years back. When it was over, she just looked at me … and then she just busted up with giggles and this big ass smile.

I think I passed.

We just sat and talked for a while and then I mentioned that I should get her home. We were out for like 3hours! Her ( soon to be ex ) husband and son were home probably worried. She said that her son was in good hands and that 'to hell' with her husband. I told her that she still should get home and then she had this extremely sad face.

Then I suggested we drive to Wal-Mart. She needed a new job anyways. So we went and she applied and we talked and joked while she filed out an application right there. I got a few pictures and I realized that my hair … it was too much James, too much Spencer. And I didn't want to share. I know, I know, it was kind of what I was thinking when I was with Jasmine but … I didn't want this relationship to be a mess like that one. I kept too many secrets. I compromised too much. No, I have to learn to that if I want something I have to stand by it!

After that, I was about to drive her home when she said that she wanted to meet my parents ( Chuck and Sue ). I looked at her. I knew. She didn't want to go home. I knew then that I would have to see her tomorrow. Just to be safe. Not hang out but just see if she was hurt or damaged or anything.

Anyways, I called and got the green light to bring her home to meet them. We talked and chit-chatted on the way there and I think I was trying to calm and prep myself down as well as prep and calm her down about meeting my family.

And the short version is that mom and dad loved her! She went toe to toe with Dad and his … playful dick-headedness and mom and her understood each other for being bother hard working women and all that. Even shared horror stories of jobs not being able to pa their employees on time.

Josh worked with Jenn before ( which I totally forgot ) so for them it was like seeing an good old friend. Honestly, it turned out really well, all things considered.

The drink home was a little sobering. I knew that she was going back to her husband and she asked me to explain to him where she was and how long she was gone. We worked on our cover stories ( like my days of old in Haven ) and when we got there, we executed it. He was a disappointment from the first sight. I doubt a heads up would have made much of a difference. He looked like a slob. And he was oddly shaped. He must have been way more impressive

She was kind of shaky, which was understandable. I got to leave. She had to stay. It meant far more to her than it ever could to me really. We had to be careful. I was polite and nice. Not overbearing and believable. He seemed like he was understanding and nice about it. Shook my hand and used nice words to both me and her. When I shook his hand, I gave him the handshake I learned to give from the military. The one where you show you are stronger. I was. He knew. I smiled at him and I left giving Jenn and hug and a kiss on her neck to let me know if anything happens and that I'd be here like lightning.

The next day, I was coming back from sleeping at Tyra and Tammy's place and drive into the gas station she worked at. Half the pumps didn't work and the pump that did only allowed one time of gas. The ATM inside didn't work and it looked under supplied. No wonder she never got her paychecks on time. But she looked fine. No bruises and no extra make up or anything. But I could tell that she looked exhausted. She told me that they argued throughout the night on how she brought 'someone like me' to their house.

I instantly thought on how dad claimed to have all these people who would fight or him and protect him because he was some big deal. But I never did. Not even Jackie and Tye did that for me because they respected that I had to fight my own battles and wars. Mostly so my head would blow up ( like most tends to ). But it would have been nice to call up Bobby and CJ and Tyler to come and beat some sense into this guy's head. To pull a 'Fight Club' on him. To tell him to make things end with Jenn to her complete benefit.

But I knew I couldn't … I wouldn't. Not their problem. Hell, it wasn't even mine. It was Jenn's. I had to do what Jackie and Tye do for me. Let me fight my battles. But I told her that I was here if anything happened. And I left with a hug and premium gas.

I worry now, but I also have hope. I have a few things to do. I have to end it with Candi … if she ever really allows there to be a conversation between us. And I do believe I am going to end it with her. I am not used to this but honestly, it is something that has to happen. I really liked Candi, or at least the idea of Candi. She is nice and sweet and smart and determined … but she wasn't determined with me or even with us. And I need someone who is … better than that. Someone who makes that effort. Talks and … well, someone who wants to be known.

Important Questions

Jasmine’s Question:
“How do you feel and react when you found out you had conceived a baby?”

Honestly, Jasmine woke me up in the middle of the night all excited, exclaiming that the pregnancy test was positive. I was still waking up. I was weighting out whether I was still sleeping or have I woken up yet. I cannot say I was numb. I cannot say that I was excited or scared or disappointed. I think, at the moment, I accepted it and ran through the primary scenarios of where this will take me and smiled.

I guess it is still something that blows my mind. I know that there is a huge responsibility here and it isn’t one that can be declined. So since I found out, I’ve made sure that every move make is towards the family my consequences created. I know it might sound like I feel that I am stuck with a burden or an unwanted / undesired situation but … see it from this angle. ‘FATE RARLY CALLS UPON US AT A MOMENT OF OUR CHOOSING’ This is a pure example of that. Obviously a chain of events have lead me on this road that I wasn’t really aware I was on. But I know I am on it now and I preparing as I go on this adventure with Jasmine.

My Own Question:
“How do I feel about being a father?”

I suppose the more and more that it settles in my mind, I feel more and more terrified. Everyone tells me that I would make a great father but how often do other’s expectations of me fall through? More times than I like honestly. So I try and try and try to make myself not just a guy who seems like a good dad.

I don’t remember having an actual father or an actual family but I was raised by many people. I have seen the best and the worse of different families. There are fathers and mothers who people say that they are raising their kids and family right but under the roof and behind the doors are hells and torment. Family members who dislike themselves and each other. Who struggle with the ideal of what it means to be a family. To truly raise a family as a responsibility and not just another toy to play with or something to do.

I see mothers who let their kid disappear for hours on end. I see fathers who curse their mother, the world, their life, their own freakin kids in front of their own friend kids. I see fathers who would rather spend time with other people MORE SO THAN their own family. I see parents who only want babies but when their babies grow they no longer want them and they get pregnant again to take care of another baby. Trust me when I have seen the worse of people. The way that they say, “I love my children and I’ll do anything for them” but they don’t just fall short of their own expectations but they never really seem to try.

I hate those kind of people. With all my heart, I do.

So I do not want to be those kinda people. I want to be the person that will easily sacrifice myself for my family. To put myself in the best position to be helpful to my family. To put my own family before my self AND THAT INCLUDES MY OWN FEARS AND FAILURES!

I look at my own short comings and I try to destroy them for the sake of my family. I have to be the best I can be to be the best for my family so my family can in turn be the best they can be as well. But with that I have to be careful too. I don’t want to push too hard. Sometimes the best of intentions and create hell on earth. Luckily I have Jasmine to help me to keep calm and to relax at times ( something that I tend to have problems with doing lol ).

Alright, so I can see why people would say that I would make a great dad. But as the saying goes ‘WORDS, PROMISES AND GOOD WISHES DO NOT AMOUNT TO ACTION!’ I shouldn’t lax in my pursuit in being the best father and husband to my family. A lot of hard work is in store for me and in such a small period of time. No room for error now. Gotta give it my all!