Just do it MYSELF

Do yesterday, I was extremely frustrated. Partially from not having cigarettes, partially from Harley doing what she always seems to do, partially from not having time for my own thing because I'm doing mom and dad's thing. Not one thing but many.

And dad wanted me to drive up to Nan s place because he wanted to see a relative that he hasn't seen in a while. I was annoyed and tired and frustrated. But he kept bitching do I went with him but he drove.

On the way, he started his spew on how he doesn't believe that I would be able to get my son back unless I am with then. Saying that this society and world's mindset isn't in my favor. A black Nan with a history of violence and mental health issue will not have much of a way time trying to get him son back. But that being in this family, they will see that I have a support system.

I tried to echoes how I didn't think that mattered because of the good work I've done so far. The agencies that work with me and the progress I've been making since I've been out should be plenty to show that I'm on the right path of progress.

Then he pulled out "and where did you do all this progress at? Our house." Catch 22. Stuck from all directions.

And the conversation was frustrating to say the least. Especially with him saying "we need to speak reality and not fantasy", referring to my life, my world, my thoughts and opinion as fantasy, was pissing me off extremely.

Honestly, what I got from that conversation is that I'm relying too much on this family. It is starting to sound like what Spencer was thinking about when it came to the Lost Original's situation and family. That they wanted to use him for some reason. That he couldn't escape. Not until MAD gave him the escape he needed from this world ... and ours.

I cannot let that happen to me. If I leave, it'll be by my terms. If I fail, it will be by my terms. Fantasy or not! I rather repeat the process a million times and eventually succeed in my terms rather than easily succeed due to someone else.

I don't want to put do much reliance on other TOW people. That is what happened when it came to Jasmine. And I was so dependant that when I finally lost her, I lost it.

I have to set a date to leave. With or without their blessing.

Enough people hate me in this world. And if this family hates me for wanting to advance in my own life ... then so be it.

The Definition of Insanity ... Women

It had been a while since I've typed last on my own blog. Been busy. I'll make another post about that later.

For now, we'll talk about Harley.

She got a hold of me again. Honey words of how sorry she is and how she is a victim of circumstance. And I'm not sure if it is because I understand how circumstances can control a person's life or if it is because I'm foolish enough to think there is an actual but I agreed to give her another chance.

Spencer already washed his hands from trying to give me advice on what I should do ( more like complain ... no, more like bitch about how not just woken but TOWian women are not worth anyone's time ). However, I can feel his disapproval.

Regardless, I restarted our relationship ( for the third time ). I know that this is one strong way to get over Jasmine and feel like I have someone in this world that I could spend on.

However, the first weekend, I suggested we do something. Silly me to think that she would be available to do it. But it was different. She actually told me she couldn't because of a legit reason ... and she kept in touch with me the whole weekend through text messages and phone calls.

That, ladies and gentlemen, I'd what I like to call effort. I understand life happens. I am the king of understanding how life happens. But when life happens, you inform those important in your life of life happening. That is effort and that is really all I want. Someone who considers me as much as I consider them to inform me of what they are up to and to make me an active part of their life.

So I planned to pick her up for my boss of Magnum Broadcasting's 50th birthday. It was gonna be a social and business party kind of thing and I figured that I know just keep things in check and she can she exactly hour busy of a guy I am. So she sees that I do try hard I'm everything I do.

She actually was able to come. Flight incident with Tobias ( and potentially James ) but she was understanding of what I do for my family and work ( which tends to be intertwined ).

She even met a local celebrity, a guy named Tyson who does a paranormal show for Magnum. She was too shy to go up to him do I got his autograph for her. And then he personally came over to give us a few ticket to his next "haunting investigation".

To say the least, Harley was swooning from the experience and they fact I did that for her.

I convinced mom and dad ( yea in my 30s I have to convince my parents ) to let her stay the night. It was nice. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I felt she was too.

Slight problem taking her home with the parents but I realized I have to find a better way to define myself and what I want.

The remainder of the week, she had been very forward about seeing me again. Of actually being with me. I suggested we go to the haunting investigation but that she should spend the night again as well. She seemed all for it ...

Until Friday morning, the day I was going to come pick her up. She said she had to be at work a few hours after the haunting investigation and didn't want to burden me with it. I told her that it would not be a burden at all and that I would make arrangements. Then after work on Friday, she said she had a lot to do on that day. I asked if we could find a way to work together and figure out what to do.

She doesn't reply for several hours. And when she does, she sent me a picture of a shirt saying that it would be cute to have.

I told her I was disappointed and upset that she keeps trying to find ways to not see me.

And that was the last communication we had since last night. But if she doesn't say something by tomorrow night, I'm done with her. I care for her ... a lot! But I have to value myself and my time and effort. I cannot be with someone who does not value me.

Paris told me that if people don't value and my time then why should I value them or theirs. Come Sunday if I don't hear back from her the I'm blocking her on social media and blocking her number from messaging me.

Honestly, at this point, I'm just tired if the constant bullshit from women. Virtually everyone at this point. This is ridiculous.

Shouldn't Miss You

So this weekend just ... feels more stressful than it should. So much more stressful than it should. Like nothing has happened that has me specifically stressed. Yea, yesterday was kind of hectic with the all day radio station handling the high school wrestling matches. Even the boys are all gone so I have an Xbox to myself so I played the shit outta the Destiny Demo for my other brothers.

Then .... BOOM! Thoughts of missing someone who I haven't thought about in a long while but saw on my phone almost daily ....

Shiane!

Just out of the blue. And then I went through the pictures I still had on my on my phone of her and I remember the feelings I have got her came rushing back full force.

Maybe this is just me being upset that this weekend I was suppose to send with Jenn D but she disappeared and won't reply to my txt messages or anything.

This is the second month of the year of my New Year's Resolution and even though I haven't put these girls before me, I am still going through them. Hell, I'm even repeating. Both Jenn D and Shiane were on the list of women who walked off.

These people don't deserve me. I'm a hard worker. I actually try to be compassion and loving and understanding. And yet I'm passed up for douche bags and assholes?! Maybe everyone is suing something that I'm not.

This is seriously sad. That's probably why I'm in such a shitty mood. ;(

Tonight, I think I'm gonna force myself to work again. I need my head on straight.

Maybe I do need my meds ...

Dealing with the Monster called Nicolas

So, yesterday, I realized I didn't want to be home so I managed to get access to the car. I was going to hang out with Jen G but … half way there, she texted that her roommate Doug D had a problem with all the guests she had coming in and out of the place ( I think ). Regardless, I felt it was too much drama. Too much … of a mess to want to even deal with and very little reward to come out of it.

So I messaged Jenn D. Now Jenn D … well, she is someone who I was acquainted with a few years back. Before Jasmine but after coming back from Retreat. Never thought she would be interested in me only because ( I admit sadly ) I believed that she wanted a country guy because she was a country girl.

Well, we started talking again and she told me she has always been into me. Sadly that was around the same time I was trying to get with Candi and I didn't want to try to see one girl and have a girl on the side. But I did want to keep her as a friend. She seemed genuine and I needed more of that around me. So we kept close.

But then Candi's constant lack of conviction and effort made me lean away from her and try to talk to Jenn. But then even Jenn decided to step away from me so I focused more on me for a while and less on everyone else. With Candi it was easy because she never bothered to see me and didn't really message me unless I messaged her first.

Well, today, I just realized that I wanted to talk to someone new. Someone outside from my norm and I wanted to see if she would go for it. And she did and we went to grab something to eat at McDonalds/ I tried paying but I soon found out that the card Dad returned to me was my old card that was deactivated. Jenn was nice enough to cover for me and try to get me to not … 'overact'. She was trying to calm me down.

Then we started talking and the talk got deep. She talked about what she heard about me and wanted to hear things from my side. I asked her what she heard and she told me she heard from Jasmine's aunt, Audrey that I was a monster. Even used the word devil.

I realized that no matter how much I try to hide who I am, that will always show through. No matter what good deeds I attempt to accomplish or what I have done, the monster in me that I was raised to be will show.

While contiplating whether I should just jump out the car and leave or return the company car and disappear, Jenn told me to look at her and I did. And she kissed me. Actually kissed me. And I didn't have flash backs of Jasmine or how horrible I was. All of that washed away and I just wanted … to prove that I was a Good Beast. That I deserved to live.

And I returned the kiss. Hard. Desperate. Determined. I remembered the conversations Jenn and I had and I remembered … the potential of what I could offer.

And when the kiss was over, I realized that I was back in the company car, stopped in the middle of the road, a little dazed actually now that I remember it.

I drove us to the park and we sat and I talked. I told her about Jasmine and MY brothers and my world and the life I had before even coming here. And she sat and she listened as I went on and on and on and everything came out. The suicide around me and my suicide attempts, MY brothers and their roles, what Jasmine meant to me and what happened up to The Incident. Everything I could. And when I realized I gave her a little too much, I looked at her and she just reached for my hand and held it. Told me she was there for me.

Then we went into her life and she opened up. Opened up about her dad and his problems and how he should have stopped what happened to her. I won't repeat her story because … well, it is her story but it was rough. Something I am sure that James could relate to.

After her story, I embraced her and we kissed again. And then we joked around about how I didn't think I was a good kisser. She said that she was willing to teach me how to do it better but she wanted have one more test go so I gave it everything I got. I even used some of James' old tips that he gave me a few years back. When it was over, she just looked at me … and then she just busted up with giggles and this big ass smile.

I think I passed.

We just sat and talked for a while and then I mentioned that I should get her home. We were out for like 3hours! Her ( soon to be ex ) husband and son were home probably worried. She said that her son was in good hands and that 'to hell' with her husband. I told her that she still should get home and then she had this extremely sad face.

Then I suggested we drive to Wal-Mart. She needed a new job anyways. So we went and she applied and we talked and joked while she filed out an application right there. I got a few pictures and I realized that my hair … it was too much James, too much Spencer. And I didn't want to share. I know, I know, it was kind of what I was thinking when I was with Jasmine but … I didn't want this relationship to be a mess like that one. I kept too many secrets. I compromised too much. No, I have to learn to that if I want something I have to stand by it!

After that, I was about to drive her home when she said that she wanted to meet my parents ( Chuck and Sue ). I looked at her. I knew. She didn't want to go home. I knew then that I would have to see her tomorrow. Just to be safe. Not hang out but just see if she was hurt or damaged or anything.

Anyways, I called and got the green light to bring her home to meet them. We talked and chit-chatted on the way there and I think I was trying to calm and prep myself down as well as prep and calm her down about meeting my family.

And the short version is that mom and dad loved her! She went toe to toe with Dad and his … playful dick-headedness and mom and her understood each other for being bother hard working women and all that. Even shared horror stories of jobs not being able to pa their employees on time.

Josh worked with Jenn before ( which I totally forgot ) so for them it was like seeing an good old friend. Honestly, it turned out really well, all things considered.

The drink home was a little sobering. I knew that she was going back to her husband and she asked me to explain to him where she was and how long she was gone. We worked on our cover stories ( like my days of old in Haven ) and when we got there, we executed it. He was a disappointment from the first sight. I doubt a heads up would have made much of a difference. He looked like a slob. And he was oddly shaped. He must have been way more impressive

She was kind of shaky, which was understandable. I got to leave. She had to stay. It meant far more to her than it ever could to me really. We had to be careful. I was polite and nice. Not overbearing and believable. He seemed like he was understanding and nice about it. Shook my hand and used nice words to both me and her. When I shook his hand, I gave him the handshake I learned to give from the military. The one where you show you are stronger. I was. He knew. I smiled at him and I left giving Jenn and hug and a kiss on her neck to let me know if anything happens and that I'd be here like lightning.

The next day, I was coming back from sleeping at Tyra and Tammy's place and drive into the gas station she worked at. Half the pumps didn't work and the pump that did only allowed one time of gas. The ATM inside didn't work and it looked under supplied. No wonder she never got her paychecks on time. But she looked fine. No bruises and no extra make up or anything. But I could tell that she looked exhausted. She told me that they argued throughout the night on how she brought 'someone like me' to their house.

I instantly thought on how dad claimed to have all these people who would fight or him and protect him because he was some big deal. But I never did. Not even Jackie and Tye did that for me because they respected that I had to fight my own battles and wars. Mostly so my head would blow up ( like most tends to ). But it would have been nice to call up Bobby and CJ and Tyler to come and beat some sense into this guy's head. To pull a 'Fight Club' on him. To tell him to make things end with Jenn to her complete benefit.

But I knew I couldn't … I wouldn't. Not their problem. Hell, it wasn't even mine. It was Jenn's. I had to do what Jackie and Tye do for me. Let me fight my battles. But I told her that I was here if anything happened. And I left with a hug and premium gas.

I worry now, but I also have hope. I have a few things to do. I have to end it with Candi … if she ever really allows there to be a conversation between us. And I do believe I am going to end it with her. I am not used to this but honestly, it is something that has to happen. I really liked Candi, or at least the idea of Candi. She is nice and sweet and smart and determined … but she wasn't determined with me or even with us. And I need someone who is … better than that. Someone who makes that effort. Talks and … well, someone who wants to be known.