Just do it MYSELF

Do yesterday, I was extremely frustrated. Partially from not having cigarettes, partially from Harley doing what she always seems to do, partially from not having time for my own thing because I'm doing mom and dad's thing. Not one thing but many.

And dad wanted me to drive up to Nan s place because he wanted to see a relative that he hasn't seen in a while. I was annoyed and tired and frustrated. But he kept bitching do I went with him but he drove.

On the way, he started his spew on how he doesn't believe that I would be able to get my son back unless I am with then. Saying that this society and world's mindset isn't in my favor. A black Nan with a history of violence and mental health issue will not have much of a way time trying to get him son back. But that being in this family, they will see that I have a support system.

I tried to echoes how I didn't think that mattered because of the good work I've done so far. The agencies that work with me and the progress I've been making since I've been out should be plenty to show that I'm on the right path of progress.

Then he pulled out "and where did you do all this progress at? Our house." Catch 22. Stuck from all directions.

And the conversation was frustrating to say the least. Especially with him saying "we need to speak reality and not fantasy", referring to my life, my world, my thoughts and opinion as fantasy, was pissing me off extremely.

Honestly, what I got from that conversation is that I'm relying too much on this family. It is starting to sound like what Spencer was thinking about when it came to the Lost Original's situation and family. That they wanted to use him for some reason. That he couldn't escape. Not until MAD gave him the escape he needed from this world ... and ours.

I cannot let that happen to me. If I leave, it'll be by my terms. If I fail, it will be by my terms. Fantasy or not! I rather repeat the process a million times and eventually succeed in my terms rather than easily succeed due to someone else.

I don't want to put do much reliance on other TOW people. That is what happened when it came to Jasmine. And I was so dependant that when I finally lost her, I lost it.

I have to set a date to leave. With or without their blessing.

Enough people hate me in this world. And if this family hates me for wanting to advance in my own life ... then so be it.

Proof is in the Cleaning

So, after I realized that my two hours of gamage was all I was getting when dad came down to work, cook, eat and watch TV, I went upstairs to lay down only to find out that the usual spots were taken. I looked into Tyler's room and saw CJ's futon frame still sitting there and the room still in disarray even though the boys have been home since Thursday.

So today, I rolled up my sleeves and started cleaning. Put clothes away and threw away trash and rearranged the room.

Originally, I was just gonna clean until Matt, Brandi and Amanda came to pick me up to hang out over night at their place. Honestly, I want crazy about hanging out with Amanda. She's nice but really forward and eager to jump into a relationship with me ... and she never even seen me before! O.O Stranger Danger!

Anyways, I threw stuff set and tried to set up my side of the room. I know I'll be leaving in a few months but that doesn't mean that in the mean time that if I can actually lay in a bed that I won't. Besides, I figured it would be nice to have a room ... even if I am sharing it with Tyler. Luckily, I like Tyler the most.

But I finished, while having to wait downstairs for two hours to take dad to the clinic and to get ham for Easter Sunday. I even swapped the broke ass tv that was hidden under junk in the room for a better one that was in the basement. I wanted to hook up a Xbox 360 on it but the one I found in the room, Bobby kept saying that it wouldn't work and would be a waste of my time. That comment annoys me.

Dad would use to say that I was wasting my time with Second Chance Reviews because it didn't bring money into the house. I ignored him and it had started growing slowly and steadily. I'm proud of it.

But last week, dad was on one of his rants about me leaving and said something like, 'if you think you can get Xavier without us, you are wrong. You will not be able to get Xavier back without us'. I wanted fyi punch him in the face so hard.

Both mom and dad think that I can't cut it in this fucked up TOW world but they very little about me. I lived on my own for a long while before Jasmine or anyone else was introduced into the picture. And they think they get what The Incident was all about but they never had a clue. Probably listened to Lynnanne and her fucked up web of lies and misconceptions. And whenever I try to open up and explain what happened, they either give me a blank stare or they flat out tell me I'm wrong.

It is like this entire house doubts me and I want to like ... idk .... burn it to the ground or something. And I don't get it cuz I do so much. Hell, I do more than any of my siblings or even my parents ( considering I do both and all jobs, choirs and tasks at time ).

I think I cleaned up the room for more than to just have space off my own. I did it to price to myself that I still got it. That I can still do what I put my mind set on.

So enjoy my little victory ... and trust me when I said I pulled off a miracle. This room was a living mess! This is a wicked improvement!