I am the NoBody that gets Blamed for Everything

I hate living with people. Why? Because of my morale and personal ethic, I do a lot. I see something needs to be done, I tend to do it unless someone else can do it better or I am busy with something else.

However, in this household, Dad ( Chuck ) finds it comical to say that random things are my fault. He finds it funny. But it is funny at my expense. Hence why I find it annoying ... and another reason I hate living with people.

1 other person, very doable, especially when I pick them through a list of candidates. But not a bunch of people with so many different personalities, needs, wants and agendas.

So it is annoying that when something is done wrong and I am involved, not to hate the idea that I am involved in situation that I originally had nothing to do with. Some of that is my fault. The ones I volunteer myself for, completely my fault. The ones that I am recruited to handle, I get pissed when it is only given to me because no one else wants the responsibility. And that includes the person that it is centered around.

Case in point, Josh had work today. Dad asked me about his work schedule. Honestly, I couldn't remember cleanly ( or quickly enough for dad ) to be confident about his answer. Also, since I was in the middle of something else, I am sure that he would have wanted me to go to Josh ( who sleeps until his clock in time ) and ask him, which I hate doing because Josh in the morning makes me want to throw him into the Pit.

Well, luckily for me today, Dad went to ask him and found out that there was a conflict in the schedule. So he recruited me to find Josh a ride ... to his work ... which is about 8 - 10 blocks away. But I went through the assets I have but I do not have any last minute assets set up. Most I ask a few days a head of time. So most of them were either at work already or to have them drive all the way here just to drive Josh 8 - 10 blocks ( and no gas money mind you ) would not only be foolish but also a waste of time.

I ended up asking CJ to find someone. He said that Brandon's friend could do it but we didn't know that until dad had to drive back and pick up Josh for work. CJ even came back to drop off Sadie's fucking dog but couldn't send a text message or leave a note about Brandon being able to do the 10 block drive.

Yet, I get grilled and hassled about knowing and not knowing and getting information wrong and shit. Oh gawd, when they talk like that in front of me ( or even behind my back and I overheard ) I swear I'd burn them all alive if Protocol S wasn't in place.

I am just getting tired of dealing with people ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And I hate even more that I have to deal with other people's bullshit and crap.

And Mom ( Sue ) always asks me why I want to move out?!

I barely own the area I sleep in. And it is annoying. Simon says that they are gonna want everything that they ever gave me back. Saying that they only let me use it. But honestly, I am getting to the point where that will be ok with me.Very few things are keeping me here.

Like L ... and the promise I made to her after what happened.
And Nakoma ... damn imprint

Worse Christmas Ever

So Christmas Day, I was kind of excited.  I got the following people things:

Dad ( Charles ):
 -  car radio ( which included radio, adapter and placement plate ) ( ~80$ )
 - cup ( "hard to be nice when it is fun to be naughty" ) ( ~5$ )

Mom ( Sue ) :
 - Season 7 of SuperNatural ( ~ 5$ )
 - Twilight Behind the Scenes Book ( ~5$ )

Bobby:
 - NeverWinter Nights ( ~10$ )
 - 5 KickAss Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Diablo 2 ( ~10$ ) ( almost a gift from my brother Daniel from several years  ago: sentimental value )
 - Steam Gift Card ( ~20$ )

CJ:
 - GameStop Gift Card ( ~25$ )

Tyler:
 - Devil May Cry HD Pack: DMC 1, 2 and 3 ( ~13$ )

Nakoma:
 - Care Bears Movie ( ~5$ )
 - Cartoon Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Viva Pinta XBox 360 Game ( ~15$ )

Josh:
 - Star Trek KeyChain ( ~5$ )
 - Gears of War 1-3? ( ~10-20$ )


So I spent a pretty penny for Christmas for everyone. But I really don't care for the money. That is kind of expected when it comes to Christmas. However, when I started to take pictures of people with their gifts on Christmas, Dad got on my case, saying that he doesn't want these pictures up.

Then CJ made the comment saying that why would anyone want to post pictures for people they don't know to see. Fuck him! I know all those people that I put on my Facebook and they seem to care more than his fucking ass. The only thing that he seems to care about is if I can drive him to see his drug dealer. Other than that, the little fuck gives no fucks.

I mean ... How dare they? How dare they say these things after everything I went through. After everything I continue to go through. Not just me but with them. The financial responsibilities and the effort I put into this family that seems to ... I don't know how they ... who they think I am?

I have no pictures of my life of prior to me coming out of jail. I have no pictures of the 'prior's' lives before me. Pictures of Theodore and Michael and Guy and Chris and James and Spencer and anyone else ... their families ... their existence ... their lives ... as if they didn't matter.

Dad said a while ago, because of something that he didn't and couldn't understand, that I was a liar. He even told our boss, MY BOSS, that I was a liar and everything I say is a lie. He never could understand the struggle and suffering I have been through alone for United Separation.

But I have trusted him many times. Given him money for services and trusted him to pay for things later when I give him money now ... and every time he has let me down. Forgotten and spent the money on other things.

And Josh, thinking he knows shit about my life. Time and time again, I listen to him when he needs an ear and time and time again I bail him out of situations with Sue and Chuck and time and time again, I have to deal with his drivel and his "I know it all" and "I am superior" attitude because Michael enjoys him and his company and conversation. Even though when I confide in him about anything ( things ranging from me moving out from Lynnanne's place to asking him to vouch for me about the XBox I paid HIM for ) he lets me down by 'snitching' ( to Lynnanne about me moving ) and 'forgetting' or not giving enough of a shit about  ( when it came to the XBox ).

And why do I do all of that? Because of what James did? Because of Michael and his foolish ideals of trusting people?

When he went to jail and I tried to get his 'then' girlfriend to do anything, she did nothing and I felt his resentment at me for it. Even now after they have 'broken up', no apologies and no ... reassurance. And he continues to bitch and complain about everything when he owes so much.  He has wrecked both my car ( PT Cruiser - Alice )  and Sue's Durago. They have been in the red to keep him out of jail while they willing let me go in and sit.

But oh, not josh. Never Josh. Their ex-son in law. Their ex-son in law that they let sit in his room all day while I get up early mornings to take care of chores and run people around.

And Sue?! Always complaining about me to others and never wanting to talk to me. Even though I have given her the connection of son and mom ( foolishly it seems ) and even when I let her and James ... someone whom he claims is her 'bestie' ( whateverthefuck that means ), she still complains that we do not spend enough time.

Does she understand when we are not with her then we are running errands for her husband?! Does she understand that most nights I leave her at 9-9.30 and don't get back until like 5-6? And to what? Assholic kids ( siblings ) and adults ( parents ) who do not even know how to begin to understand?

Sadly enough the only one who seems to remotely get it is Nakoma ...

And not only that ... the proof of my life, with Jasmine and Xavier ... I miss my family. My family that no longer exists anymore. And yet ... I think about them constantly. Their ghost haunts me. Reminds me of what I have missed and what I no longer can have.

Is this hell? Did I succeed July 27th 2014?

Felicia left me and as much as that hurt, I found it a personal success that I am getting over it without incident. Especially with this crappy ass support system of people who doubt me and oppress me and put me down. They think I am better here?! Really?

Worst
Christmas
Ever

Being Quite about Josh's Lazy and Ungrateful Behavior

Josh has been living here since the beginning of the year. And it has always been something. Mom always complains about him but she sits with him and mindlessly watches TV with him and dad on a daily. There are times that dad will surpass him and all the way upstairs or break in the middle of my stream to ask me to do something. Like rotate the damn dogs ( I don't even like dogs ), or to take out the trash ( cuz the boys blow him off ) or to make him tea cuz he is too lazy to ask Josh to do it. Or maybe they have some sort of pact going. I don't know.

But mom would complain about him constantly. Say that he smells. Or that he doesn't do much of anything. Or that he feels entitled to certain things.

I tell her to talk to him about it but she won't because she knows she'll blow up at him.

I have been talking to Monica for a while and I have been telling her that she has to tell people how she feels. She fears conflict and I understand that. Conflict sucks and it is scary but for the chance for something better through communication, it is worth it.

But here is Josh, someone whom I have heard him talk about me behind my back ( he claims in jest ) and someone is feels he is entitled to watch tv shows and.get the Xbox or a room or a couch or anything like that, that pisses me off ... and yet I don't talk to him about how he talks down to me and Michael or how he feels that other people should work to make his life easier.

He wrecked my car, Alice, while I was in jail. He did! Yes, under the order of Lynn but regardless he should be held responsible. But I know I will never see that money. Especially on a waitress's paycheck. He has problems paying for clothes for freaking work ... or his fines.

And not only that, he wrecked mom's car too. The one day I couldn't drive him cuz James wanted to an old friend, Stephanie and her kid ( hated that weekend ). One of the parents were suppose to have picked him up but instead let him drive himself. The one night ( and one night alone ) he drove the family car, he wrecked it.

And now he sleeps on the couch in the living. Mom.complains that he bitches whenever something is too loud ... But it is a god damn living room. Life happens there. So the fact that he sleeps wheel into noon. So virtually no one can make much noise in the morning to get ready for much of anything.

And we were gonna put him in the attic since Bobby left and it was one thing after another. There wasn't tba bed up there. My mentioned that the boss's wife might have one but weeks and months past without.mom.calling and asking her if she had one we.could use. Then, since I got tired of not knowing and mom complaining about the smell josh was leaving behind in Nakoma's room since.he was staying there.momentarily, I took it upon myself to ask her and put the damn thing in the car myself and take it home.

He helped move it upstairs ... where we saw the mess that Bobby left up there after he moved. Trash everywhere. Broken computer components. Things he has taken from Nakoma and others in the house and claimed that he never saw. It was gross and disgusting.

I helped.clean it up and told Josh he was responsible for taking care of the clean-up of the room if he wanted it. That was sometime in the summer. For weeks, he wouldn't even phantom the idea of going up there. He claimed it's too hot. So I went to the auction and acquired a few fans. One being the perfect size for the attic window. Weeks continued to go. Still nothing. No action. And the day I brought it up to him, he raised his voice with me and copped an attitude about being tired and having to ask Mom or Dad about it even though I told him that I talked to them about it prior because they told me to talk to him about it.

Then days later flipped the story to make me sound like a crazy person when he thought I was not within ear shot.

But I got tired of sharing a room with Tyler ... well, Tyler's stuff since he now sleeps next door but leaves his stuff here. But I have no privacy. Stuff keeps missing and i wake up to CJ suddenly in my room, claiming to be looking for Tyler ( who he knows is mostly on the other side of the duplex  ... where CJ himself lives! ). Even dad just opens the door. At least mom and Nakoma ( and yes even Josh ) respects me enough to knock before entering.

So one day ( last week ) I got bored and annoyed and I cleaned the attic completely and.moved things around. And then I realized that I put more work into that room than anyone else did. Especially Josh.

But then mom and Josh started to complain that the insulation were bare and that it wouldn't be safe because Bobby supposedly got "scabies" from the exposed insulation. So last weekend, in used trash bags and wallpaper to cover up as much as I could.

I figures it would work out because with Josh on the couch mom feels comfortable having to tiptoe in her own house because Josh sleeps in the living room until noon and then takes over the TV ( her words ). I figured if I move upstairs then Josh can have the room Tyler no longer sleeps in with me.

Then mom and dad came up with Nakoma actually getting Tyler s room instead of Josh since Nakoma has more stuff ( sarcastic: and since she obviously deserves it ) and Josh can move into Nakoma's old room since he doesn't t have much.

But he has the balls to say that he feels comfortable on the couch and feels he doesn't need to move when dad asked him about it. He even said that moving before Nakoma's stuff was moved would be a waste of time. Then dad looks at me ( as if it is my responsibility ) and says that I gotta figure out how to move Tyler's, Nakoma's stuff and the crap in the room around.

This is ridiculous! Does Josh even deserve my loyalty? Anything I ever told him, he ran to Lynnanne and told her! Ever when she kicked me out of my room to make room for that bitch ( whose name I have forgotten out of anger ... no! It is Bridget! Her name is Bridget ... Da Bitch ) and then promised to give me the basement ... which is the usual bullshit lie that ended up with me moving into another room of Bobby's. He was silent then. He was silent when Lynnanne kicked me out for wanting to go to the Theory of a DeadMan's concert. She never stands for anything.

So why am I even dealing with this? Because of James and his fuck up! Because James never learned to leave well enough alone. But no one deserved to them what happened to me ... and no one deserves what happened to Josh with Lynnanne. So I am stuck to try to repay a debt to a man who probably doesn't even know ... which kills me.

This is bullshit. This is all bullshit. But it is my fault. It is my fault because I should communicate how much bullshit it is. I even fucking agree with it.

I hate this vessel and I hate the rampancy that is making me feel this way. Making me so these things. These leftover pieces of ... fuck if I know.

I hate it all.

And I am starting to hate them all too.

Unauthorized User

So lately, I've had Spencer in my ear about security on our devices. Mainly, the phone and computer. He had been worried that Nakoma has access to the computer that haired to have sensitive information on it. Not just dossiers and profiles of Peele were are involved with but also personal information to, from and on each of us personas. ( I know me personally still have pictures and videos of my wife and son on that computer and android )

But with Bobby gone off to Lancaster, I had less to worry about. Nakoma is going and only really wants to play games and listen to YouTube videos.

However, yesterday, Bobby came back. Some sort of check up after he had his teeth removed. I was concerned but figured I had time to fix the security protocols. Especially the Idol Protocols ( Protocol I, Spencer dubbed it ), being what happens when the computer is left inactive ( otherwise if the user is AFK ).

Last night, after my first Skype meeting with Doc, Spencer ran upstairs and was frantic. Saying one of "worthless neanderthals" were in the desktop downstairs. Coming down, I saw CJ in the computer, on my personal profile, playing a game. Bobby was in the other dude with Tyler. Conversation stopped when I was seen and they left. When CJ closed out his window, I saw our social media up. Skype, Facebook, folders, etc. Things I left up ...

Potentially, my private Skype session with my therapist was shared on my desktop downstairs ( or at the very least was noticed ). Conversations with assets, clients, friends and other family was also potentially accessed as well.

Would CJ access these things? Would he care? Would he use these things against us ( knowingly...or unknowingly )? And Bobby was close by. I still remember my rage when I found out he deleted a security protocol from my android in the guise of calling his girlfriend. I lost pictures of my son because of him.

I have no one to blame but myself. Spencer has been telling me to increase the security on our devices and information. Even if they will claim they wouldn't care what's on it, in dad's: Charles's words "if [ they ] wanted access to my stuff, I couldn't stop them", which doesn't settle well with Spencer about the sensitive and personal information we have accumulated over the past year.

Hell, had to reformat my phone and even with Recovery Protocols 3.4, enough information is still missing to be considered an annoyance.

Spencer is starting on a retaliation program to either act as a reactive protocol to digital privacy invasion from the family here or a break-in program to prove to Chuck that he isn't the only person with knowledge of computers.

I now have to up the security on our devices that hold and have access to sensitive and personal information. And this gives him not ammunition to petition U.S. relocation from the Myers.

Lately, his campaign to do so grits with each day and I'm losing footing to prove that they are still a viable resource.

I'm afraid that lately, the invasion of privacy, the inferiority attitude from the younger set of the Myer boys and Spencer's Slave Propaganda Campaign  isn't looking good in my favor. Relocation might be something that is going to happen whether I want it to or not.

Favoritism Wins Everytime

So ever since dad knew me, he knew I would love to work security anywhere. I did it a few times in Clarion and I loved it! Mostly basement bands and parties that required cover charges.

Hell, I met my first love, Amanda, when I was bouncing.

But yesterday, I was resting on the couch while he was talking to CJ about getting him some sort of certificate or permission or whatever so that he can start bouncing at some place or another with Bobby.

First off, WHAT THE FUCK?! I bust my ass here on a daily to make things work. I help mom with laundry, dishes, trash and three fucking dogs that I hate. I don't do that because I love doing things that I hate, I do that cuz I live here and I pull my weight and I care about these TOWians. Same fucking reason why I go to work and bust my fucking ass with/for dad either at the station or wherever he needs me without pay or compensation. Because I fucking care. And it is the same reason I drive the boys to places they want/need to go. I pull my weight around here that rivals the head of household and ... I get passed over for a dream job that I would have loved because CJ and Bobby are his sons even though it is usually a struggle to get them to do much of anything! And they are arrogant and ignorant and over confident. They would be perfect for fucking it up.

And me with my social anxiety problem would not be an issue because I don't have to socialize. I have to regulate. I have to tell people to pay before they enter. I have to control situations before they become a problem. I would have to be the presence of the result of acting a fool at our establishment. I am trustworthy and dedicated and focused.

Not them.

I push myself to prove themselves and they ... they couldn't give two shits because they know that if they ask ( or don't ask ) they'll get what they want.

I can't even get a fucking room to myself and they get a upper duplex to themselves.

If this isn't bullshit, then I don't know or even understand what would classify as that.

It Isn't Being 'ButtHurt'. It Is About Respect and Appreciation

Today, is the day that Saving Abel ( and Kira, Smile Empty Soul and Veer Union ) comes to the After Dark to perform a concert. I vaguely remember seeing Saving Abel before when Heather still had me under her spell. But then again, I could be confused. Thinking back to that time, a lot of things happened that I am not sure of.

Anyways, Dad needed help, as usual, and volunteered me into going, even though I have mentioned that I didn't want to go because the After Dark is in Clearfield and I no longer have any love for anything in Clearfield ( mainly because there is no love for me in Clearfield ). But he kept insisting he needed me and the boys to help.

So after working with Michael yesterday in Renovo, with CJ and his friend Logan, working a 4 way relay communication plan from the top of the mountain to the bottom that took us all day, Michael gave CJ a check for 100$ to split!

He was talking as if he and Logan was gonna split it 50/50 ( most likely to smoke weed ) and I was like, I drove you mother fuckers up here and did more of the technical stuff ( reading the meter for them to repeat on walkie-talkies down the mountain to Michael so he knew how to rotate the disk ). At the fucking very least it should be cut in 1/3 ( each getting around 33$ ). Then I remembered that the Elite Halo 3 Xbox 360 that he said he would give to me for 30$ so I told him that let's just let you keep the money but I keep the Halo 3 Xbox. Then he started whining that if he were to give me 20$ then he would be losing 10$. I was about the slam on the breaks and take the damn check and rip that shit up. Instead Spencer said that even though he is, in Spencer's words, a Neanderthal, throw enough logic and he'll change gears. So I explained to him that work I did compared to those two. Then he reluctantly agreed to the terms ( manly cuz Logan says that giving me an Xbox 360 he doesn't know where is and that doesn't work to keep the money makes sense - don't worry, I got that part covered ).

Well, anyways, I was upset about the whole payment thing. I don't get paid for any of the work I do for Dad or Michael. Matter of fact, Michael says that my payment is for the family using the company car since Josh wrecked theirs. But I don't even control the car and the only reason I am the one who drives it the most is because other than Mom, I am the only one with a license. I don't just take the car and I always replace the gas that I use ( unlike everyone else in the household who asks to be taken here, there and everywhere in-between ).

And why would he give the fucking check to CJ and not me? The older one and more reliable one. The one who has always been there when he needed it. I opened up to him so much about my 'military' experience and background. I thought we had somewhat of a kinship or brotherhood. Obviously, he tries CJ, the kid who whines and complains ( Michael's words ) whenever asked to do anything tough.

So that pissed me off Saturday.

And on Sunday, on the way to this fucking concert, dad was talking on why he  relied on CJ and Bobby to do security and I was like "WTF! I do everything you asked without question and I am not weak!" Then I explained that when I was living with Bernie in Philipsburg, they had me  life and hold trees to cut and move logs to the barn and even had me cut the logs for firewood. And that was a regular basis. CJ at one time ( according to Dad ) moved a 400lb furnace by myself. Yeah okay, whatever. He made a comment that he would have CJ and Bobby do security over me. Something about me having something to prove, which makes sense because they constantly put me down on things that I want to do.

Like earlier that morning, I was playing Max Payne 3 multiplayer and they were on my ass every time I got shot and died ( BTW, the Sawed Off is a game broken weapon ).

But with what Spencer keep saying about me being a tool to this family rather than an actual member. He says that is what always happens when it comes to T.O.W. families. Every persona has experienced let down after let down.

So getting there, I was already on the verge of pissed at everything. Getting there, I was hopeful. I was thinking I was far enough away from anywhere familiar and I doubt that anyone I knew had money to come to a concert they probably didn't want to go to. Until I got there and saw fucking Jesse Spencer. Jasmine's ex boyfriend before me but this douchebag hassled me when I came back from jail on FaceBook. Fucking FaceBook tough but if there was someone I wanted to take my frustration on was this dude who remained my FaceBook friend just to be a douche to me when I came back.

I tried tell Dad and the boys about it but they told me just to suck it up and worked. I just wanted to let them know that if this guys comes up to me, I won't even hold back. He won't throw a punch to set me off. Probably just talk to me and I would drop him for being a dick and for having Jasmine before me. But I doubt Dad, the boys ... or anyone would have understood. Yes, they seem to really get me, don't they.

But I did work. I directed and worked and get shit down. Even drove the bus driver to the local WalMart to grab bus maintainence things before having to drive the boys home ( because they were whiny and complaining about being there ). Luckily, when we were leaving, Lynnanne was coming with her boyfriend, so I considered that a bullet dodged.

That was until CJ and Bobby and Logan smoked up in the car. I was pissed. Angry. But ... again, I pussied out on putting my foot down. I guess I was worried about over stepping or allowing my anger from before handle this unrelated situation. So I just put on my headset and got home.

I just need ... something to change. And honestly, I hate it when I am wrong and Spencer is absolutly right.

Proof is in the Cleaning

So, after I realized that my two hours of gamage was all I was getting when dad came down to work, cook, eat and watch TV, I went upstairs to lay down only to find out that the usual spots were taken. I looked into Tyler's room and saw CJ's futon frame still sitting there and the room still in disarray even though the boys have been home since Thursday.

So today, I rolled up my sleeves and started cleaning. Put clothes away and threw away trash and rearranged the room.

Originally, I was just gonna clean until Matt, Brandi and Amanda came to pick me up to hang out over night at their place. Honestly, I want crazy about hanging out with Amanda. She's nice but really forward and eager to jump into a relationship with me ... and she never even seen me before! O.O Stranger Danger!

Anyways, I threw stuff set and tried to set up my side of the room. I know I'll be leaving in a few months but that doesn't mean that in the mean time that if I can actually lay in a bed that I won't. Besides, I figured it would be nice to have a room ... even if I am sharing it with Tyler. Luckily, I like Tyler the most.

But I finished, while having to wait downstairs for two hours to take dad to the clinic and to get ham for Easter Sunday. I even swapped the broke ass tv that was hidden under junk in the room for a better one that was in the basement. I wanted to hook up a Xbox 360 on it but the one I found in the room, Bobby kept saying that it wouldn't work and would be a waste of my time. That comment annoys me.

Dad would use to say that I was wasting my time with Second Chance Reviews because it didn't bring money into the house. I ignored him and it had started growing slowly and steadily. I'm proud of it.

But last week, dad was on one of his rants about me leaving and said something like, 'if you think you can get Xavier without us, you are wrong. You will not be able to get Xavier back without us'. I wanted fyi punch him in the face so hard.

Both mom and dad think that I can't cut it in this fucked up TOW world but they very little about me. I lived on my own for a long while before Jasmine or anyone else was introduced into the picture. And they think they get what The Incident was all about but they never had a clue. Probably listened to Lynnanne and her fucked up web of lies and misconceptions. And whenever I try to open up and explain what happened, they either give me a blank stare or they flat out tell me I'm wrong.

It is like this entire house doubts me and I want to like ... idk .... burn it to the ground or something. And I don't get it cuz I do so much. Hell, I do more than any of my siblings or even my parents ( considering I do both and all jobs, choirs and tasks at time ).

I think I cleaned up the room for more than to just have space off my own. I did it to price to myself that I still got it. That I can still do what I put my mind set on.

So enjoy my little victory ... and trust me when I said I pulled off a miracle. This room was a living mess! This is a wicked improvement!

Their Agenda vs My Agenda

So, since I told mom about me planning on moving out, things have gotten ... a little stressful to say the least. Granted the plan isn't really formed yet but I am working on the details. Looking at locations and apartments. Checking out places for affordable used cars. Looking for opportunities in different areas. Doing research and all and trying to form somewhat of a plan on moving forward.

However, with mom, she simply wasn't happy with the idea. Dad started making moves to add the other side of the duplex to our household financial responsibilities. She said that the reason they even got the other duplex was to move me in.

Which is weird cuz they moved Bobby and CJ over there and I can't live with them with their recreational activities and then inviting random people in and then not doing much of anything since I've been there.

No thanks. I don't want to do everything while they get high with every Jane, John and Jones that they bring in.

If they offered me the other side of the duplex with set rent and shit, that would make sense but they just added responsibilities without having much of a way to pay for it without me.

Well, at least I'll be in the better half before I leave. I'll be rooming with my brother, Tyler so no real privacy but at least I'll like my roommate. And I'll have a room. A shared room but a room nonetheless.

Just Human

I know I complain a lot on this thing and that isn't completely fair. I mean, I know that I love them because when I needed someone they were here. And even though CJ pisses me off, I do love the shit outta him. Bobby too! Nakoma at times too ( probably because I don't do well with kids ). Tyler is kind of my favorite in my house next to Mom ( Sue ). Tyler's habit is the only thing that annoys me about him. And Mom allows herself to think negatively about herself because she is a woman or something like that. I try not to think too hard about it. But honestly, they are all human. And I have to accept them as such. Humans with character flaws and faults. Hell, I have problems so shouldn't I be more understanding?

I am losing it. I am losing everything mentally. Patience. Understanding. Caring. I am losing it all.

Dad has told me that Bobby, CJ, Tyler, Nakoma, Mom and even Dad himself, are all versions of my actual brothers that I still work with.

Nakoma – Tobias ( my 6 y/o nephew )
Bobby – Spencer
CJ - James

Tyler – Michael ( most related to )
Dad – Seth ( minus the actions )
Mom - … well, she doesn't relate to anyone

So living here shouldn't be too hard, right? I don't know why but it is. It is hard to constantly having to deal with their shit and dealing with my brothers at the same time.
Last night, CJ got a text when he came home around 2 in the morning from some chick named Fawn who was visiting a friend whom she had some late night conflict with and was stranded in the next town over and needed a place to stay for the weekend.

If it were me … I would take her in for the weekend she needed. I wouldn't ask or expect anything but I would help with the idea that she is going to leave. Potential asset or just the good deed for the month. But I would have. Now though? If I was living by myself … I probably wouldn't have answered her text. Especially at 2 in the morning. I would have rolled over and gone back to sleep. Possibly deleted the message so that my brothers wouldn't have come across it.

I worry because:

• Spencer hates women. Especially ones that don't over anything immediately.
• James would try to sleep with her ( regardless of age, sex or creed )
• Michael would have tried to convince her that her 'inner power' was worth exploring
• Tobias would have been shy but would have tried to 'mom' or 'big sister' her
• and Seth … well, we won't talk about what he would have done

Honestly, it is exhausting, frustrating and draining to deal with that innerly. But I have more pull with that than I do with this family that I am living with. I am not a fundamental part of this family. I am an addition. If I am to leave ( or to be kicked out ) the family would revert back to the life they had before. Obviously, financially things would be different ( until the 26^th of the month ) but they would find a way to close the gap that my extra, not essential, finances brought in. And the memories they had that included me would be there but that would fade too as all else.

That is different from what I am used to with my actual brothers. Sometimes, we fight and what not. With me it does tend to get physical ( because I am bad on everything else ). But I know that we are the highest authority to us! There isn't calling the cops or telling anyone “oh he hit me” or even long time repercussion or retaliation for the fighting or arguing.

Here, I could be kicked out, I could be reported ( and break probation ) … a series of other things. Things other people have not just done to me but to my brothers as well. And if they do tend to let a fight or two ( it wouldn't stop at two ) slide, I would either have to leave on my own accord or I will feel indebted to them but being such a inconvenience.

So no matter how much they say otherwise … they are just human.

My Weekend Part 1

So, I was suppose to see Candi again on Saturday. We even planned for a week for this because I didn't want anything to go wrong this time around. She said that she had some things to do in the morning but that she would leave around 2pm for the 3 hour drive. Mom and Dad went to a company Christmas Party that I passed up to see Candi. Nakoma went to hang out with her cousins, Tyler left with Bon to do what they do and CJ and Bobby had a friend over and they were gonna be upstairs. I was gonna have Candi to myself to talk, watch movies and ... "stuff". She would see me on Saturday so I could introduce her to the folks when they got home and she would spend the night and then on Sunday spend time with her daughters, then come back until she left Monday morning.

Well, I texted her in the morning and everything seemed to still be the plan so when 2pm came and went without a "I'm out the door and on my way" message, I did not worry much ... until 6pm came and she wasn't here. I thought the worst and sent her a text message. She replied after like 15 minutes saying she was just leaving the door.

Okay, I am sure that whatever she was doing just took a lot longer than expected. No worries. As long as she is still okay and coming down, right?

In the next three hours, I cleared up the kitchen and finished 95% of the laundry, swept and picked up the carpeted living room ( because the broom got out my frustrations ), made everything not smell like dog ( which is a trade secret that people are seriously willing to kill for ) and re-showered and put on some of my nicest ( and most flattering ) clothes,.

So around 9pm, I sent her another text message, asking her if she was okay. Maybe she was in a car wreck or fell asleep at the wheel or something. I was getting worried ... again. She replied back that she was in traffic and it would take longer than she expected. She said she was in Halifax. 2 and a half hours away. Disappointed by not defeated, I kept my hopes up.

Nakoma came home because Emily was being a bully by locking her in the clothes because Nakoma didn't do what she wanted her to do.

So Nakoma and I ate some homemade ( prison taught ) Ramon Noodles and we played Tales from the Borderlands ( I played she gave suggestions to the choices ). Mom and Dad came home and asked where my friend was. Sadly, I said, that she probably isn't coming over, and then immediately launched myself into what they have been doing for the past 7 hours. They helped prep the company party and did some Christmas shopping and got most of the things on the list before actually going to the party. Since the council consisted of all three of us, so even though I wasn't there, I wanted to make sure the things I wanted the boys and Nakoma to get was purchased.

After that, we all watched some TV, where I passed out around ... 11? I woke up around 1 thinking "crap! she could have called or texted and I missed it! She probably went home if I didn't answer." Checked my phone and there was no message ... at all, call or otherwise.

Depression started to actually really set in. I had to talk to someone so I started talking to my platonic soulmate, Katelyn. See, Katelyn ( if you read the the last few times I wrote about potentially seeing Candi ) told me not to give up and not to compare her ( and every other woman ) like she is Jasmine. I have to give them a chance and not be so harsh, she said.

So when I told Kay ( short for Katelyn ) everything and she asked, "Isn't this like the 4th or 5th time she has been a no-show?" I reply, "Something like that."

I was kind of shocked that she replied, "She's a shitbag. Block her number. Go to bed."

I told her I will go to bed but I ( because I am stupid beyond belief ) stayed a wake. Around 2am, she texted me that she just got to her mom's house 30 minutes away and that she was exhausted and that she will see me tomorrow.

I ... I got ... I wasn't happy. Not even in the slightest. So I wrote back that I am glad that she is safe and that she should stay there and have a good weekend ... and then I passed out. Woke up and nothing new until closer to the afternoon where she was like, I understand that you are upset but if you want me to come over let me know.

I replied, "You know my address, come if you want". But I didn't rearrange my schedule or tell anyone to expect someone. I worked on the computer so that US would have a terminal here in T.O.W. since the laptop is gone in the wind ( because of Lynnanne ).

Hating the Mask

Today, was a bad day. Dad referred to me as a pussy again. When he does that I want to throw stuff at him, smash his head in, shoot him in the thigh and step in it to make him suffer, crack a baseball bat at his back to just watch him suffer.

The Darkness breaking through. Like withdraw.

But Spencer order me nit to take any action. That relocation from the situation I created can't be escaped from. That the legacy must be returned to U.S. and that suffering the constant insults and belittling is my punishment I must endure for speeding up his damn timetables

But I know if I take actions, then he'll say that he was "just kidding" and that "I shouldn't have taken it so seriously" or I "shouldn't get butthurt" our some dumb shit or something stupid that he always says. Don't take it personally but they'll label me as such.

Fuck! I'm angry ... again! Angry all the time. And I'm not the beat you down kind of guy .. I'm the tie you to the bed when you sleep as I burn your house down around you kind of thing.

Or maybe I should bring Seth back. I notice how he looks at them. Even Nakoma. And CJ. He wants to beat CJ. He wants to break Bobby. He wants to ... he doesn't wan anything good for these people.

And this is my brother! They don't know what have been done just cause. Living in TOW at first there were little restrictions. Bad things happened. Some of my brothers keep good of that feeling while most of us tried to change and adapt to U.S.'s rules for TOW.

My family now won't know. The first few knew and they ... they aren't ... I can't let that happen again. Spencer thinks that I have forgotten but sometimes I remember. I know I forget because of him but sometimes I remember.

I can't let ... I have to control my brothers. My real brothers. They'll ruin everything.

Maybe I have to leave. I hate this mask I have to put on to protect people. So let me stop and save them by leaving.

It'll be best for everyone. Pack up and move on to the next level. Unless, I can come up with another solution but honestly I hate quitting and running.

Without Me

So, for some reason that I can only explain as stupid evil coincidence, I ended up going something that was close enough to Jasmine's name that it brought up her Facebook profile.

It has a new picture. And a new covert photo ... of Xavier.

Oh my God he had grown so much! I don't even recognize him. Gawd I feel like breaking down. Too many things happening.

Candi's open disrespect
Jasmine reusing her old profile
Xavier growing up ... without me
Me trying to quit smoking ... a week ago
Mom, Dad, CJ, Bobby, Josh .... everyone

I'm just ... I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know if I can handle any of this much longer

Scary Halloween

So Friday, instead of bringing Nakoma with Karla and I to the Haunted House in Philiphsburg, Nakoma went with mom and dad to see Blind Shift in Clearfield and Karla had dinner with her folks. What did I do you ask? Well, Kayla offered to take me to another Haunted House in Beccaria and I took it because CJ had brought a female friend over and James was getting excited ( which usually isn't a good sign ).

So I showered and half way through my hair cut she arrived so it is incomplete. I look like Kid from the movie "Kid N Play" but shorter than the old school eraser head look. But I figured since it was so late and all that no one would notice in a dark haunted house.

The ride to the Haunted House was interesting. She talked less about her past fuck buddies and actually told me about where we were going. When she started taking I realized that I should have taken Spencer's suggestion and do research on where we were going but I felt since it was such short notice that it wouldn't be worth the rush effort. That and it is just a haunted house, right?

Turned out that she actually used to live at this Haunted House when she was a preteen. She wasn't clear if it was actually haunted but she was told a lot off ghost stories about the place when she was younger. The place was built in the 1800 and the Historical Society restored it be functional during the holidays ... especially Halloween.

We got there and I was expecting more people but I was relieved that it wasn't that packed. Kayla knew a guy or two who were dressed up as monsters there. Not really surprising but still a sight annoyance. I've been around people who were "popular" but with Kayla I find it more annoying than flattering or whatever.

Regardless, the house was huge. Like close to, if not exactly, twenty rooms and three stories. The actors portraying demented and psychotic hotel workers and tenants on something they call "Dead and Breakfast" ( a play on "bed and breakfast" ). None of it was really corny. Reminded me of America Horror Story kinda stuff.

Kayla made it an effort to hold me close. Probably to make sure I didn't explore the place independently like I wanted to. I looked at everything like I was investigating a crime scene again. Identifying items of interests and what not. Noticing knives before they were grabbed by the actors and finding trails of blood and analyzing how demented the scene was. And this place was really well planned to be very demented. Pale faces, splattered with blood, with clean clothes ( other than the blood ) and crazy hair. Reminded me of the Devil's Rejects in a way. Really interesting. Really glad it was fake.

Afterwards we chilled for a little while and then she took me home. She wanted to meet the familly even though I explained that the adults were out with the event. She came in and I tried to treat her as much as a "just friend" girl as possible. I didn't need the extra hassle of my brothers ( and potentially dad ) and she got the hint and was doing the same thing. However, after she left, she seemed to have done too well of a job and now my brothers ( at least CJ doesn't like her ). I suppose that is okay for the moment. If she ends up being more long term then ... she'll make up for the behavior of that night. If not that she is no worse for wear.

I am not sure what I am going to do with her. If she is just someone who is currently there or if there is some sort of deeper meaning for her existence in my life. Do I want her in my life? I am not talking permanently or anything like that but more of a "is she useful" as  Spencer would ask of person that is introduced into not just my life but our lives. I allow myself to be a little more understanding and compassionate ( thank you earlier version of Jasmine ). People aren't just to be used and then thrown away when no longer useful. That isn't how people should be.

At the same time, you shouldn't have people in your life that suck up what they can from you be it attention, love nor money without some sort of equivalent exchange. Kayla satisfy a certain level of companionship that I don't mind at the moment but at the back of my mind, I do have to remember that she is an ex-girlfriend ... who dumped me at that.I shouldn't be so desperate for companionship that I am willing to fall into the same trap that I did years ago.

But I am all about second chances, aren't I?

Sibling Status - CJ

I don't know what I am feeling today. Today I am feeling ... angry. I have to stop feeling angry because being emotional is what got me sent to jail this time around. This feeling and the thinking that comes afterwards.

Today, CJ ( my brother from the 4th adopted family ) likes fucking with me. Mostly because the last time we wrestled I didn't end up on top before we had to stop. It angers me that I lost and I want to fight him again. But I don't want to ... I fight dirty whenever I feel I need to win. Because even though winning isn't everything ... it is the only thing to matters? Why?

Losing meaning future teasing because I believe that CJ is a bully at heart. Not a major bully. I low level one. A bully that people like. Not a bully that beats up the small guy but a guy that fucks with people mostly because he can. That's a bully, right? "Low level" is the term that the Professor uses.

Now don't get me wrong, he is still my brother and I still love him like I love all ( most ) of my families members that I have ever lived with. I just see him ... no maybe I am confused again. I get confused with this "normal" living. I feel like a TOW verteran trying to intergrate himself back into society without taking out personal targets as his own personal militiant.

No, I have to realize that that my experience doesn't neccesarily count as experience here. My past trauma ( aside from the one experienced with Jasmine ) won't be considered as relevant. So I have to get over it.

So all in all, I have to not get into a fight with CJ or anyone else ... even though it would make me feel good but it would make the situation that I live with more difficult. Okay let's say that I lose to CJ then it just gets worse but if I "win" then I'll be seen as a threat and danger rather than the nice, gullible, weak guy that they think I am. God, this sucks. I have to either find a way to be assertive without seeming like a push over bitch or I sit in the status of being a push over bitch.

God, today is not a good day is it ...