Things are not okay with Kay

Katelyn ( Kay ) and I had an argument last year. We started arguing about something related to how I treated our friendship. She mentioned something that lead to her saying all I talked to her about was other girls.

When she said that, I was hurt until I went back in our conversations and realized it was true. I did talk a lot about other girls. Not like James talk but about the failed attempts at a friend's/relationship stuff.

I was/am trying to get over Jasmine. Maybe it was how I was trying to not feel like a complete failure and Kay has always been my voice of reason. The grounded voice that told me what I needed to hear. She didn't let me get away with shit but she did it in a way that didn't make me want to smash things. She was my platonic soulmate ( we joked ).

And then/now, I needed guidance. More than just good advice.

And she was yelling at me for trying to move on from Jasmine and telling her about it. I got mad. I slammed in my desk and then tried to calm myself. I looked back and saw that I did talk about other things and I tried to talk to her do many times and she just ... never got back to me.

I told her that I tried to talk to her about other things. My blog ( which I have on my Facebook bio but no one notices luckily ) and my Second Chance Review page and video games and such. Especially Jasmine. I even pointed that I know about what is going on in her life and I comment and like her life events because since I can't be where she is ( she lives in Michigan ). She says she doesn't really even check other people's stuff on Facebook.

We went back and forth until she said she got it out if her system and she was okay. I didn't want to argue anymore and I didn't want to lose my ( platonic ) soulmate so I dropped it too.

Since then, I made a New Year Resolution based upon what we argued about ( worry less about other women and more about me ) and I made her more of an active part of SCR. she became my editor. She didn't like my writers though because she thought they ... were horrible writers.

And that was okay with me. She was so much better at writing than most people I knew. She had multiple fanfics with a big fan base so she had to be good at catching what I miss grammar wise and maybe help fix it towards the direction I wanted it to go.

But she, like, reviewed like two and I've had to kind of go over the rest in a mad dash before the 3pm deadline on Friday. Well either today or yesterday I mentioned that I needed a review and she was on top of it with a review of the Darkest of Days. I was so happy.

And with the new direction I want to take with SCR I wanted her to post it on the Facebook page and group of SCR and suddenly she had no time and she seemed annoyed.

I don't know what I do that asks people do much but if my ( platonic ) soulmate is asked with me ... maybe I'm doing life wrong

Sound Deception by Simon

I woke up early this morning and went downstairs to play Deus Ex: Human Revolution I got from the Xbox Live 360 Free Game for the month for a few hours when Dad came downstairs. He asked if it was okay for him to use my computer to record some stuff for a station's program that he has to do. He mentioned that he had to use he headset to hear and record and I mentioned that it doesn't work on my computer yet. He asked why it doesn't work and I told him that Bobby said that it just didn't have what it needed to play sound.

He plugs his headset in and boom, sound! Making me look more like an idiot than I am willing to feel like that early in the morning. He says that since his headset was a USB plug in that that might have been the reason that the sound works.

Later, I was telling Spencer, "Hey! The sound works on the terminal!"

"I know," he replied.

"What? How did you know?"

"Cuz I fixed it this morning. That's how."

"Well, Dad said ... ", I started.

"Forget what the moron thinks he knows. He makes a living out of making people feel he knows what he is doing ... and his son is no better."

This inter-family fighting ... is giving me a major headache this weekend. :(

Just Human

I know I complain a lot on this thing and that isn't completely fair. I mean, I know that I love them because when I needed someone they were here. And even though CJ pisses me off, I do love the shit outta him. Bobby too! Nakoma at times too ( probably because I don't do well with kids ). Tyler is kind of my favorite in my house next to Mom ( Sue ). Tyler's habit is the only thing that annoys me about him. And Mom allows herself to think negatively about herself because she is a woman or something like that. I try not to think too hard about it. But honestly, they are all human. And I have to accept them as such. Humans with character flaws and faults. Hell, I have problems so shouldn't I be more understanding?

I am losing it. I am losing everything mentally. Patience. Understanding. Caring. I am losing it all.

Dad has told me that Bobby, CJ, Tyler, Nakoma, Mom and even Dad himself, are all versions of my actual brothers that I still work with.

Nakoma – Tobias ( my 6 y/o nephew )
Bobby – Spencer
CJ - James

Tyler – Michael ( most related to )
Dad – Seth ( minus the actions )
Mom - … well, she doesn't relate to anyone

So living here shouldn't be too hard, right? I don't know why but it is. It is hard to constantly having to deal with their shit and dealing with my brothers at the same time.
Last night, CJ got a text when he came home around 2 in the morning from some chick named Fawn who was visiting a friend whom she had some late night conflict with and was stranded in the next town over and needed a place to stay for the weekend.

If it were me … I would take her in for the weekend she needed. I wouldn't ask or expect anything but I would help with the idea that she is going to leave. Potential asset or just the good deed for the month. But I would have. Now though? If I was living by myself … I probably wouldn't have answered her text. Especially at 2 in the morning. I would have rolled over and gone back to sleep. Possibly deleted the message so that my brothers wouldn't have come across it.

I worry because:

• Spencer hates women. Especially ones that don't over anything immediately.
• James would try to sleep with her ( regardless of age, sex or creed )
• Michael would have tried to convince her that her 'inner power' was worth exploring
• Tobias would have been shy but would have tried to 'mom' or 'big sister' her
• and Seth … well, we won't talk about what he would have done

Honestly, it is exhausting, frustrating and draining to deal with that innerly. But I have more pull with that than I do with this family that I am living with. I am not a fundamental part of this family. I am an addition. If I am to leave ( or to be kicked out ) the family would revert back to the life they had before. Obviously, financially things would be different ( until the 26^th of the month ) but they would find a way to close the gap that my extra, not essential, finances brought in. And the memories they had that included me would be there but that would fade too as all else.

That is different from what I am used to with my actual brothers. Sometimes, we fight and what not. With me it does tend to get physical ( because I am bad on everything else ). But I know that we are the highest authority to us! There isn't calling the cops or telling anyone “oh he hit me” or even long time repercussion or retaliation for the fighting or arguing.

Here, I could be kicked out, I could be reported ( and break probation ) … a series of other things. Things other people have not just done to me but to my brothers as well. And if they do tend to let a fight or two ( it wouldn't stop at two ) slide, I would either have to leave on my own accord or I will feel indebted to them but being such a inconvenience.

So no matter how much they say otherwise … they are just human.

The Monster Within

I have been ... getting angry lately. More angry than I should. I get angry at my Dad for his opinions that he claims to be absolute truths and my brother Bobby for being a waste of great potential and CJ for not appreciating the great people in his life and not ignoring the worthless ones and for Tyler for .... I don't know ... for the fact that he is going through a KISS stage of his teenage years and Tink for being a brat and Mom for putting up with so much.

And most of all, I am so angry at myself for dealing with so much of this shit. For not trying to beat up Bobby and CJ for superiority. For not using Spencer's help to out think dad with his ( so called ) logic. For seeing the same thing that I see in every family that i have ever been in really? I think ultimately, people just disappointment me.

Do I have high expectations? Or do people that take me in just take advantage of me and the things that I have?

Who would do that? I do not remember if I have mentioned it but Lynnanne was with me during the 10 months that I was in jail. She visited, paid to have money on my books, told me she took care of my affairs being the old apartment and bills and such. She made me believe that she cared and that she did a lot of me. It turned out that all she really wanted was Xavier and my money. She took 1400$ from me while i was in jail, wrecked my car and took all my money while I was living with her when I got out of jail. I saw her fucked up collection of unwanted people that she collected and used. Her brother Bobby, his girlfriend Shiane, the bitch Bridget and her husband Josh. She took from everyone. She used everyone and abused the love they all had for her. Never kept to any of her promises. Everything she said she did or was going to do was a lie. It was all horrible. She is horrible.

People are horrible,

But she wasn't the only one who is starting to make me question the people who claimed to love me. Obviously the leader of that list is Jasmine. My sweet, sweet wife that cheated on me with her best friend that I left her go out with constantly, Arthur ( AJ ) Shorter. The man that ruined my life. He knew and he took advantage and ... I trusted him and I trusted her and I trusted everyone. I trusted the people who didn't tell me but knew. So many people knew and the people that knew and told me, even though I didn't believe them at the time, I hold them dear to my heart and soul. But those that knew and kept it to themselves. Never bothered to tell me that my wife was sleeping with another man for half of our marriage, they can burn in hell.

And the people directly responsible ...

I am angry. I am so angry at everything that it kills me. I don't want to be angry but I enjoy being angry. It feels better than feeling the pain of the stupid and the hateful and manipulative. I don't think I hate ... not yet. I am just angry ... and I have a feeling that one day ... one day soon ...that anger will turn into action. Maybe in me punching a wall ... or a tree ... nothing extreme, right? Baby steps,

How do I fix this? How do I deal with this constant anger and disappointment and frustration? How do I deal with this ... and live with it?

....

Parents get frustrated with their children when they don't act like perfect angels. Some run. Others work on the problem the best they can. they aren't perfect but they knew that things get better. Some relatives with other relatives do the same thing. Okay, let's step away from family since that whole "nothing is thicker than blood kind of thing". Would you want to see your best friend drown knowing you could save them.

I am angry ... I am angry because I have seen a lot of people come and go. I have lost a lot of friends and let too many enemies go on the principles of what Michael believes in. I wasn't raised like that. I was raised to not have friends to lose and to take no prisoners. But here I am, two time doped ( Jasmine and Lynn ), listening to a super conservative man talk about his borderline racists and sexists and nationalist bigotry views, feeling inferring to CJ and Bobby because I do not want to hurt them ... or worse because I remember how I was like, pissed that my mom is on the verge of losing her newly gained marriage, and ... I just feel so out of place. I feel like I don't belong with this idea of normal.

In my mind, a growing idea that keeps getting bigger with age ..., I will always be a monster. And secretly everyone knows it. So I gotta suck it up and just ... be okay being the monster.