One of Those Nights

Nights like this, where I wake up in they middle of the night, where I gaff no work to do and I do not want to wake anyone with trying to do choirs at 4 in the morning, I am left with my thoughts.

And my thoughts almost always goes back to Jasmine. Sometimes, I try to push my mind to the bloodbath of my younger stages of life but I dose some ghosts work harder to haunt.

Before, when I had a bad day or a bad dream, I'd wake up to Jasmine next to me sometimes and I'd just cuddle myself to hee and quietly cry. Just to get it out. But then I'd smile because I had her to release to. Granted, she probably never know because she would be sleeping but a lot of times, her personality, my love for her, our family, they all kept the demons out for me. And when they got in, just her existence of someone so compassion and love and understanding ... made me feel that ... a monster like me can still be loved.

I no longer have that.

When I moved in here, I wanted to return the favor of them taking me in. But ... I'm starting to feel like a servant. A slave. A favored slave out of  one but still a slave that isn't allowed to leave.

I think ... Spencer knows they need me ... butt it isn't the same as being loved. Of loving. Like with Jasmine. And I've tried finding someone, anyone else, but I swear they see they monster and leaves.

Mom says I try too hard ... but what is to hard when it comes to saving your own life?

Maybe I just need to do something before morning choirs at 7. Maybe ... I need to do something. A pain that might dull the pain of her leaving me like Todd.

He said, She didn't

So yesterday, I was home with mom, waiting for my Life Manager to come in for her appointment. The boys sluggishly got themselves to school and Tink was her usual cranky self but Mom got her to school on time. Dad and Mom were having their usual back and forth. Dad teasing too much and Mom … well, she wasn't in the best of moods for it. Dad likes pushing Mom though and she laughs about it so I shouldn't be worried, right?

Well, after he left, James and her talked a little. Shared some point of views while I was bringing clothes downstairs from the upper rooms. We threw some clothes into the wash and took care of some of the dishes before I dragged James upstairs to watch me do some simulation training. It didn't take long for Mom to come upstairs to use the bathroom. When she got out, James couldn't wait to resume girl talk. I tried to go back to the simulation. I needed a release as of late and this was my best way of getting it.

But I did keep one ear open. Mostly, Mom talking about how Dad plans on using her money. This, that and the third. Dad is making plans on what to use the money for and Mom doesn't feel that he is going through it with her. She feels that he is just gonna use it and she just gonna be okay with it. I cut myself in and asked her “Have you tried talking to him about it?” She replied that she has but he shushes her up saying, “Do we have to talk about this right now?” No matter what time it is. I then asked, “Do you push the issue?” where she replied that she has simply given up at this point. I returned to my exercise. Lose cause if she isn't willing to fight for what is hers.

But James is all sympathetic. Trying to sound like he cared about her but whenever I looked at him I knew what he was staring at. Jeez, constantly calling her “Mom” constantly isn't working as much as I would like.

But she started going off about how he promised Bobby and myself a car. And then she started talking about how Dad wanted to use some of her money to help re-launch Dad's online business and that he is gonna repay this person and that person with her money. Then she started saying that Dad was going to repay the boys for him using their survival benefits to pay for rent. I zoned out and focused on my performance. I hated getting a low score. I needed to achieve something to feel like I was still keeping my skills some what sharp.

Then she started saying that she didn't understand why she had to re-pay people for living here. Spencer happened to walk by and I noticed he stopped. He tapped my shoulder and I paused my simulation.

“Wait a minute here,” I started, “You mean paying for the rent here?” She said yea.

I kind of understood. When I was moved in, dad said that he would repay the money I put into the family. I was gonna factor out 300$ and consider that rent even though I don't have my own room. And I rarely ever use anything that isn't already offered to me. And if I do want/need to use something ( such as the SUV ) I try to make sure I have the money to cover for the gas ( not maintenance because that argument is ridiculous in my opinion ).

I sat up to listen better and even Spencer got closer as he removed his glasses. That is “more serious” maneuver.

She continued saying that that arrangement between Dad and I was never discussed with her at all. I asked her that since they were married wouldn't/shouldn't they have discussed and agreed on it. She said no.

Spencer shook his head and replaced his glasses. “I knew these T.O.W. People were not worth the trouble.” And with that, he walked back downstairs to work on his terminal.

And then she started to say that she shouldn't pay for me to get a new car because she didn't wreck it. Matter of fact, she was against anyone else driving it other than me and her. Since Josh wrecked it, then Josh should pay for it.

I just shook my head and let James continue talking to her while I went back to my simulation. I needed to beat the crap out of something.

Next, I need to figure out an exit strategy ...

Sound Deception by Simon

I woke up early this morning and went downstairs to play Deus Ex: Human Revolution I got from the Xbox Live 360 Free Game for the month for a few hours when Dad came downstairs. He asked if it was okay for him to use my computer to record some stuff for a station's program that he has to do. He mentioned that he had to use he headset to hear and record and I mentioned that it doesn't work on my computer yet. He asked why it doesn't work and I told him that Bobby said that it just didn't have what it needed to play sound.

He plugs his headset in and boom, sound! Making me look more like an idiot than I am willing to feel like that early in the morning. He says that since his headset was a USB plug in that that might have been the reason that the sound works.

Later, I was telling Spencer, "Hey! The sound works on the terminal!"

"I know," he replied.

"What? How did you know?"

"Cuz I fixed it this morning. That's how."

"Well, Dad said ... ", I started.

"Forget what the moron thinks he knows. He makes a living out of making people feel he knows what he is doing ... and his son is no better."

This inter-family fighting ... is giving me a major headache this weekend. :(

Just Human

I know I complain a lot on this thing and that isn't completely fair. I mean, I know that I love them because when I needed someone they were here. And even though CJ pisses me off, I do love the shit outta him. Bobby too! Nakoma at times too ( probably because I don't do well with kids ). Tyler is kind of my favorite in my house next to Mom ( Sue ). Tyler's habit is the only thing that annoys me about him. And Mom allows herself to think negatively about herself because she is a woman or something like that. I try not to think too hard about it. But honestly, they are all human. And I have to accept them as such. Humans with character flaws and faults. Hell, I have problems so shouldn't I be more understanding?

I am losing it. I am losing everything mentally. Patience. Understanding. Caring. I am losing it all.

Dad has told me that Bobby, CJ, Tyler, Nakoma, Mom and even Dad himself, are all versions of my actual brothers that I still work with.

Nakoma – Tobias ( my 6 y/o nephew )
Bobby – Spencer
CJ - James

Tyler – Michael ( most related to )
Dad – Seth ( minus the actions )
Mom - … well, she doesn't relate to anyone

So living here shouldn't be too hard, right? I don't know why but it is. It is hard to constantly having to deal with their shit and dealing with my brothers at the same time.
Last night, CJ got a text when he came home around 2 in the morning from some chick named Fawn who was visiting a friend whom she had some late night conflict with and was stranded in the next town over and needed a place to stay for the weekend.

If it were me … I would take her in for the weekend she needed. I wouldn't ask or expect anything but I would help with the idea that she is going to leave. Potential asset or just the good deed for the month. But I would have. Now though? If I was living by myself … I probably wouldn't have answered her text. Especially at 2 in the morning. I would have rolled over and gone back to sleep. Possibly deleted the message so that my brothers wouldn't have come across it.

I worry because:

• Spencer hates women. Especially ones that don't over anything immediately.
• James would try to sleep with her ( regardless of age, sex or creed )
• Michael would have tried to convince her that her 'inner power' was worth exploring
• Tobias would have been shy but would have tried to 'mom' or 'big sister' her
• and Seth … well, we won't talk about what he would have done

Honestly, it is exhausting, frustrating and draining to deal with that innerly. But I have more pull with that than I do with this family that I am living with. I am not a fundamental part of this family. I am an addition. If I am to leave ( or to be kicked out ) the family would revert back to the life they had before. Obviously, financially things would be different ( until the 26^th of the month ) but they would find a way to close the gap that my extra, not essential, finances brought in. And the memories they had that included me would be there but that would fade too as all else.

That is different from what I am used to with my actual brothers. Sometimes, we fight and what not. With me it does tend to get physical ( because I am bad on everything else ). But I know that we are the highest authority to us! There isn't calling the cops or telling anyone “oh he hit me” or even long time repercussion or retaliation for the fighting or arguing.

Here, I could be kicked out, I could be reported ( and break probation ) … a series of other things. Things other people have not just done to me but to my brothers as well. And if they do tend to let a fight or two ( it wouldn't stop at two ) slide, I would either have to leave on my own accord or I will feel indebted to them but being such a inconvenience.

So no matter how much they say otherwise … they are just human.

You know this ain't ...

So, yesterday, Candi was suppose to come down from Camp Hill. We talked about it and she said the latest she would leave her place would be around 2-3 pm. Magnum was hosting a party for their employee and even though I am not officially on their payroll, I have done a lot of work with Dad so they invited me to socialize and bump elbows with the other employees of the company.

But I wanted to actually hang out with Candi, and since it is 3 hours from where he is to where I am and Mom and Dad were leaving around 2-3 pm to prep for the party at 7 pm, I felt I had plenty of time to get showered and dressed, clean up the living areas of the room and finish the choirs I got and herd the boys where they would be comfortable and out of the way.

Estimated time of arrival, 5-6 pm. However, 6:30pm I text her asking if she was okay and she replied that she was and she was heading out the door now.

Really? But hey, things happened. She told me that she was going Christmas Shopping prior so I can kind of understanding that things at malls and whatnot probably didn't go according to plan. Hell, my other friend, Kayla, said she was going to go Christmas Shopping today for 6 hours to get everyone on her list on one day but that it was kinda crazy today so she didn't even bother.

So, I kept myself busy. Mom and Dad were gone doing their own Christmas shop and help prep for the party so they were gone, Tyler were in and out with Bon, Bobby and CJ had a girl over and they are ... I don't know. Or really care. They were out of my hair and I already got a earful from Spencer about the little fight he had with Dad about Spencer working on his own computer. Longer story in another post probably on his WordPress ( ProfSimonSpencer) I am sure.

So, all around, I was annoyed and getting mad so I started getting things done . Laundry, dishes, sweeping and cleaning and trying to get Bobby to help with the computer (to appease both Spencer and Dad) but he was too busy with his guest so that one task kind of crawled. Spencer in my ear telling me that people time and time again will let us go and depending on any of these T.O.W. inhabitants is a complete waste of time. Especially, trying to have something happen with this "Candi woman" is destined to fail like my marriage to Jasmine.

Trying to push him aside to not punch and throw everything took a lot. Also, the thought that whatever mess made would have to be fixed and cleaned up by me before anyone noticed. There have already been a few things I had to throw away to keep myself calm and cleared from any suspicion.

Zach and Matt ( his friend ) came over to drop off Nakoma. She seemed to have gotten into it with our cousin Emily. Emily seems to be slapping Nakoma and throwing her into closets to keep her from reporting her to her parents. Nakoma told Zach ( her older brother ) and Zach is pretty good on laying down the law with his siblings so I figured that I let them handle it within house. But I told Nakoma if Emily does it again, then I will have to take action. Then Nakoma started talking about her real dad and her feelings about him. I tried to be as supportive as I can and I made her some "Chill" Ramon ( because she had tooth taken out and she needed softer food ). We talked for a little bit and we played Tales from the Borderlands ( Xbox 360 ) together until Mom and Dad came home.

"Where is your friend?" they asked.

I was lost on what to say but honestly since this wasn't the first time that she didn't show up but the 4th time, I figured that I had this coming after the 2nd time.

I shrug and say, "I am not worth seeing, I guess", and I continued helping them get stuff in and talking about what they did while they were out Christmas Shopping and how the party was. Then we all came to the living room and while they watched midnight TV, I must have passed out.

I woke up around 1 in the morning, cursing that I slept and checked my phone. No phone call, no text message. I talked to Katelyn ( platonic soulmate ) and she was the one who told me the first time when she just disappeared when she was suppose to have came up to see me, that not everyone is Jasmine. I need to be understanding. But when I told her that this is the 4th time she just didn't show up she said ( and I quote ) " OMG! The fifth time? Go to bed. Block her number. She is a shitbag."

Sadly, I stayed up until I got a message from her:

I just got to my mom's house. I'm dead exhausted. I'm going to sleep for now n I can come up early am if u want if not I'll understand ;(
Really? REALLY?! 8 hours for a 3 hour drive?

I told her that I was glad that she was safe at her mom's and to stay there and to enjoy her family and daughters since she came to see them and to 'take care'. My version of saying "Bye Felicia" without being a bitch. Then she said that if I still want her to come in tomorrow she can if I don't have any plans.

Today is Bobby's birthday. Not that that means much because he is going to hang out with his girlfriend but I ... I broke down that this isn't the first time or the second time and honestly I shouldn't have let there be a third time but this is fourth ( or fifth honestly because now that I think about it there has to have been another time ) and I told her that ... that it hurts and that it wasn't fair that I change not just my own plans but my family's plans and work plans ( breaking my own rules with priorities ).

She replied:

I know and I understand completely there is no execuse I'm sorry that's all I can say if you decide u want to see me I'll be in until Monday around 10:30-11am

Paris once told me that I have to not let people have priorities over the priority of me. I honestly shouldn't have let it have gotten this bad. And she has made like no effort to either see me or comfort me about not being here multiple times. If someone cares then they make the effort and if they can't but want to, they will try to make up for it. If they don't or won't then they'll keep giving excuses and give minimal effort.

I think it is time to move on.

Difference in Family Ties

So, not sure if I made any posts about me living with my sister Lynnanne and her kicking me out, keeping my games and console, losing over 85% of my possessions, taking over 2 800$ from me ( and asking for 700$ when she kicked me out ) and allowing my little sister ( who was right at the time ) to smoke weed. Yea, she's a piece of work, right?

Well, I've been trying to find a way to get my money or the stuff she still has back. I've talked to my card company but they are kind of dragging their feet on the whole thing while still and they cops are virtually useless. They told me to call a layer while the lawyer told me to contact yet police. Yea, useful.

I talked to my Life Manager ( Nikki from Service Access Management ) and she suggested that I try the State Police with evidence at my disposal. So, I've collected bank statements from my card company of transactions made while I was in jail and transactions made while I was living with her (

I owed her 500$ in rent which she never paid to the landlord, hence why we had to move, and she took the remaining two hundred and spent it ). Granted she bought me a few packs of cigarettes but still not justifiable for her to take my whole amount for whatever she sent it.

Well I keep notes of my actions fir everything progressive and deals with rebuilding my life. I left the notebook in the living room and I came back my dad was where I was so I'm sure he read what I wrote. He started talking to me, asking if this is what I'm trying to do.

I told him I'm exploring every option before actually taking actions but it seems like a very likely plausibility since other avenues aren't working. Then dad started to say that it would be a waste of time to pursue that avenue because:

 1) I'm a black guy in a white county. Unfair, sad truth but a truth none the less
2) The actual of time and energy required for something that would not work anyways would simply be a waste of time
3) That will piss Lynnanne off to the point to where she could destroy the remainder of my stuff or sell them meaning I won't receive anything ( or take other forms of retaliation ).
4) Even if I succeed in pursuing charges and and the courts sends her to jail and makes her pay back the money, you'll have to wait until after she is released from jail and when she is released she'll have to get a crappy job and pay like 15 - 30$ a month so it would take forever for her to actually pay back what she took.

While saying all of this, he reminds me that he doesn't care what happens to her but he doesn't want me to waste my time if my goal is revenge in any way.

He kept asking me, "Why are you doing this?" "Why do you want to do this?"

Many Andes ran through my head but Spencer was acid from me, saying that he'll shoot down my opinion because of his "superiority complex" ( Spencer's words ). So I thought hard and hard and I honestly couldn't think of an uber smart answer for dad's question.

Of course I want Lynn to pay for what she did, not only did to me but to everyone she mistreated. But dad explained that she won't learn anything. She is so stubborn that she wouldn't feel remorse or anything while she's in jail and she will do her damnest to make any form of retribution a struggle and annoyance for me. And that is just her own obstacle! There is the whole correctional system being as flawed and broken as it is. Makes it seem like no matter what I would want it wouldn't pan out.

But when I came to my own private conclusion, I heard MAD chuckle in the other room. Obviously, he approved of my conclusion.

I just want to do it simply because I want to do it. I dint care whether she learns a lesson. I'm no teacher and I have no love to teach her a damn thing. And as important as the money should be, I'm slightly indifferent ( a little more if a struggle for my actual things but I've lost things before. Hell, U.S. still gives me shit for losing the treasure chest ).

No, I want to do this because honestly I don't want myself or U.S. seen as easily pushed over. We've let this happened repeatively for far too long. I've let this happen for far too long. I'm an tired of being used. Tired of letting bad people do bad things. In the DRT I didn't let shit like this slide then. I shouldn't let shit like this happen now.

The Monster Within

I have been ... getting angry lately. More angry than I should. I get angry at my Dad for his opinions that he claims to be absolute truths and my brother Bobby for being a waste of great potential and CJ for not appreciating the great people in his life and not ignoring the worthless ones and for Tyler for .... I don't know ... for the fact that he is going through a KISS stage of his teenage years and Tink for being a brat and Mom for putting up with so much.

And most of all, I am so angry at myself for dealing with so much of this shit. For not trying to beat up Bobby and CJ for superiority. For not using Spencer's help to out think dad with his ( so called ) logic. For seeing the same thing that I see in every family that i have ever been in really? I think ultimately, people just disappointment me.

Do I have high expectations? Or do people that take me in just take advantage of me and the things that I have?

Who would do that? I do not remember if I have mentioned it but Lynnanne was with me during the 10 months that I was in jail. She visited, paid to have money on my books, told me she took care of my affairs being the old apartment and bills and such. She made me believe that she cared and that she did a lot of me. It turned out that all she really wanted was Xavier and my money. She took 1400$ from me while i was in jail, wrecked my car and took all my money while I was living with her when I got out of jail. I saw her fucked up collection of unwanted people that she collected and used. Her brother Bobby, his girlfriend Shiane, the bitch Bridget and her husband Josh. She took from everyone. She used everyone and abused the love they all had for her. Never kept to any of her promises. Everything she said she did or was going to do was a lie. It was all horrible. She is horrible.

People are horrible,

But she wasn't the only one who is starting to make me question the people who claimed to love me. Obviously the leader of that list is Jasmine. My sweet, sweet wife that cheated on me with her best friend that I left her go out with constantly, Arthur ( AJ ) Shorter. The man that ruined my life. He knew and he took advantage and ... I trusted him and I trusted her and I trusted everyone. I trusted the people who didn't tell me but knew. So many people knew and the people that knew and told me, even though I didn't believe them at the time, I hold them dear to my heart and soul. But those that knew and kept it to themselves. Never bothered to tell me that my wife was sleeping with another man for half of our marriage, they can burn in hell.

And the people directly responsible ...

I am angry. I am so angry at everything that it kills me. I don't want to be angry but I enjoy being angry. It feels better than feeling the pain of the stupid and the hateful and manipulative. I don't think I hate ... not yet. I am just angry ... and I have a feeling that one day ... one day soon ...that anger will turn into action. Maybe in me punching a wall ... or a tree ... nothing extreme, right? Baby steps,

How do I fix this? How do I deal with this constant anger and disappointment and frustration? How do I deal with this ... and live with it?

....

Parents get frustrated with their children when they don't act like perfect angels. Some run. Others work on the problem the best they can. they aren't perfect but they knew that things get better. Some relatives with other relatives do the same thing. Okay, let's step away from family since that whole "nothing is thicker than blood kind of thing". Would you want to see your best friend drown knowing you could save them.

I am angry ... I am angry because I have seen a lot of people come and go. I have lost a lot of friends and let too many enemies go on the principles of what Michael believes in. I wasn't raised like that. I was raised to not have friends to lose and to take no prisoners. But here I am, two time doped ( Jasmine and Lynn ), listening to a super conservative man talk about his borderline racists and sexists and nationalist bigotry views, feeling inferring to CJ and Bobby because I do not want to hurt them ... or worse because I remember how I was like, pissed that my mom is on the verge of losing her newly gained marriage, and ... I just feel so out of place. I feel like I don't belong with this idea of normal.

In my mind, a growing idea that keeps getting bigger with age ..., I will always be a monster. And secretly everyone knows it. So I gotta suck it up and just ... be okay being the monster.

Progressive Morning

Today was a very productive day.

This morning, I called the insurance company about the accident Beauty had a few months back. They were asking for 105$ a month and that is just too high for our finances so I got them down to 50$ a month. I think the next time I talk to them, I will try to get them down to 25$ a month which would will be better allowed by our budget.

I also called SilverScreen, a local video store in our town, and asked them about the Clerk position they had open. They said that they were still looking for someone to fill in the position. I reminded them that I left my filled appliction and resume there a little over a week ago. I managed to get the name of the owner of the store, a Lenard Martin Jr., and looked up his number in the phone book. I got his number and gave him a call and told him, as a nervous potential, that I was very interested in getting the job. He said that he would look forward to finding my resume and application in the pool of applications. I hope that he sees that I am the man for the job.

I called the Holiday Inn Express inquiring about their Accounts Payable Clerk position. I didn't get too far with that but they are still looking so that is a good thing. I got the name of Julie being the manager who is the one who would be searching through the paperwork so that is good to know. I might try again later on next week to see if it is still open and that I am very interested in the position.

In class today, I was talking to the instructor, Candy, about Beauty's situation with her daughter and she said that she had a name of a lawyer who might be able to look into the sitution free of charge. Another step into the right situation. She also said that maybe it might be something worth bringing CYS into. I have to do more research with that.

It feels good to be working with the team again. Things are being done. Spencer helped make sense of the complicated stuff. lol

MAD wants to restart the MWMN broadcast for me. Maybe he is hoping I would help him with his Mad Image Inc broadcase but that would require that he actually do some artwork. We'll work around it.

Sadly James is kinda flirting with Nikki, something he shouldn't be doing but I got him to talk less to her. Other than that, I don't see any harm in him talking to Kay or some of his other friends. Just as long as they aren't too suggesting. At least Nikki knows that I am off limits.

Tobias likes the games we play but ... I have other things to worry about other than keeping him entertained. That's Michael's ( Mad's ) job.