It Isn't Being 'ButtHurt'. It Is About Respect and Appreciation

Today, is the day that Saving Abel ( and Kira, Smile Empty Soul and Veer Union ) comes to the After Dark to perform a concert. I vaguely remember seeing Saving Abel before when Heather still had me under her spell. But then again, I could be confused. Thinking back to that time, a lot of things happened that I am not sure of.

Anyways, Dad needed help, as usual, and volunteered me into going, even though I have mentioned that I didn't want to go because the After Dark is in Clearfield and I no longer have any love for anything in Clearfield ( mainly because there is no love for me in Clearfield ). But he kept insisting he needed me and the boys to help.

So after working with Michael yesterday in Renovo, with CJ and his friend Logan, working a 4 way relay communication plan from the top of the mountain to the bottom that took us all day, Michael gave CJ a check for 100$ to split!

He was talking as if he and Logan was gonna split it 50/50 ( most likely to smoke weed ) and I was like, I drove you mother fuckers up here and did more of the technical stuff ( reading the meter for them to repeat on walkie-talkies down the mountain to Michael so he knew how to rotate the disk ). At the fucking very least it should be cut in 1/3 ( each getting around 33$ ). Then I remembered that the Elite Halo 3 Xbox 360 that he said he would give to me for 30$ so I told him that let's just let you keep the money but I keep the Halo 3 Xbox. Then he started whining that if he were to give me 20$ then he would be losing 10$. I was about the slam on the breaks and take the damn check and rip that shit up. Instead Spencer said that even though he is, in Spencer's words, a Neanderthal, throw enough logic and he'll change gears. So I explained to him that work I did compared to those two. Then he reluctantly agreed to the terms ( manly cuz Logan says that giving me an Xbox 360 he doesn't know where is and that doesn't work to keep the money makes sense - don't worry, I got that part covered ).

Well, anyways, I was upset about the whole payment thing. I don't get paid for any of the work I do for Dad or Michael. Matter of fact, Michael says that my payment is for the family using the company car since Josh wrecked theirs. But I don't even control the car and the only reason I am the one who drives it the most is because other than Mom, I am the only one with a license. I don't just take the car and I always replace the gas that I use ( unlike everyone else in the household who asks to be taken here, there and everywhere in-between ).

And why would he give the fucking check to CJ and not me? The older one and more reliable one. The one who has always been there when he needed it. I opened up to him so much about my 'military' experience and background. I thought we had somewhat of a kinship or brotherhood. Obviously, he tries CJ, the kid who whines and complains ( Michael's words ) whenever asked to do anything tough.

So that pissed me off Saturday.

And on Sunday, on the way to this fucking concert, dad was talking on why he  relied on CJ and Bobby to do security and I was like "WTF! I do everything you asked without question and I am not weak!" Then I explained that when I was living with Bernie in Philipsburg, they had me  life and hold trees to cut and move logs to the barn and even had me cut the logs for firewood. And that was a regular basis. CJ at one time ( according to Dad ) moved a 400lb furnace by myself. Yeah okay, whatever. He made a comment that he would have CJ and Bobby do security over me. Something about me having something to prove, which makes sense because they constantly put me down on things that I want to do.

Like earlier that morning, I was playing Max Payne 3 multiplayer and they were on my ass every time I got shot and died ( BTW, the Sawed Off is a game broken weapon ).

But with what Spencer keep saying about me being a tool to this family rather than an actual member. He says that is what always happens when it comes to T.O.W. families. Every persona has experienced let down after let down.

So getting there, I was already on the verge of pissed at everything. Getting there, I was hopeful. I was thinking I was far enough away from anywhere familiar and I doubt that anyone I knew had money to come to a concert they probably didn't want to go to. Until I got there and saw fucking Jesse Spencer. Jasmine's ex boyfriend before me but this douchebag hassled me when I came back from jail on FaceBook. Fucking FaceBook tough but if there was someone I wanted to take my frustration on was this dude who remained my FaceBook friend just to be a douche to me when I came back.

I tried tell Dad and the boys about it but they told me just to suck it up and worked. I just wanted to let them know that if this guys comes up to me, I won't even hold back. He won't throw a punch to set me off. Probably just talk to me and I would drop him for being a dick and for having Jasmine before me. But I doubt Dad, the boys ... or anyone would have understood. Yes, they seem to really get me, don't they.

But I did work. I directed and worked and get shit down. Even drove the bus driver to the local WalMart to grab bus maintainence things before having to drive the boys home ( because they were whiny and complaining about being there ). Luckily, when we were leaving, Lynnanne was coming with her boyfriend, so I considered that a bullet dodged.

That was until CJ and Bobby and Logan smoked up in the car. I was pissed. Angry. But ... again, I pussied out on putting my foot down. I guess I was worried about over stepping or allowing my anger from before handle this unrelated situation. So I just put on my headset and got home.

I just need ... something to change. And honestly, I hate it when I am wrong and Spencer is absolutly right.

Just Human

I know I complain a lot on this thing and that isn't completely fair. I mean, I know that I love them because when I needed someone they were here. And even though CJ pisses me off, I do love the shit outta him. Bobby too! Nakoma at times too ( probably because I don't do well with kids ). Tyler is kind of my favorite in my house next to Mom ( Sue ). Tyler's habit is the only thing that annoys me about him. And Mom allows herself to think negatively about herself because she is a woman or something like that. I try not to think too hard about it. But honestly, they are all human. And I have to accept them as such. Humans with character flaws and faults. Hell, I have problems so shouldn't I be more understanding?

I am losing it. I am losing everything mentally. Patience. Understanding. Caring. I am losing it all.

Dad has told me that Bobby, CJ, Tyler, Nakoma, Mom and even Dad himself, are all versions of my actual brothers that I still work with.

Nakoma – Tobias ( my 6 y/o nephew )
Bobby – Spencer
CJ - James

Tyler – Michael ( most related to )
Dad – Seth ( minus the actions )
Mom - … well, she doesn't relate to anyone

So living here shouldn't be too hard, right? I don't know why but it is. It is hard to constantly having to deal with their shit and dealing with my brothers at the same time.
Last night, CJ got a text when he came home around 2 in the morning from some chick named Fawn who was visiting a friend whom she had some late night conflict with and was stranded in the next town over and needed a place to stay for the weekend.

If it were me … I would take her in for the weekend she needed. I wouldn't ask or expect anything but I would help with the idea that she is going to leave. Potential asset or just the good deed for the month. But I would have. Now though? If I was living by myself … I probably wouldn't have answered her text. Especially at 2 in the morning. I would have rolled over and gone back to sleep. Possibly deleted the message so that my brothers wouldn't have come across it.

I worry because:

• Spencer hates women. Especially ones that don't over anything immediately.
• James would try to sleep with her ( regardless of age, sex or creed )
• Michael would have tried to convince her that her 'inner power' was worth exploring
• Tobias would have been shy but would have tried to 'mom' or 'big sister' her
• and Seth … well, we won't talk about what he would have done

Honestly, it is exhausting, frustrating and draining to deal with that innerly. But I have more pull with that than I do with this family that I am living with. I am not a fundamental part of this family. I am an addition. If I am to leave ( or to be kicked out ) the family would revert back to the life they had before. Obviously, financially things would be different ( until the 26^th of the month ) but they would find a way to close the gap that my extra, not essential, finances brought in. And the memories they had that included me would be there but that would fade too as all else.

That is different from what I am used to with my actual brothers. Sometimes, we fight and what not. With me it does tend to get physical ( because I am bad on everything else ). But I know that we are the highest authority to us! There isn't calling the cops or telling anyone “oh he hit me” or even long time repercussion or retaliation for the fighting or arguing.

Here, I could be kicked out, I could be reported ( and break probation ) … a series of other things. Things other people have not just done to me but to my brothers as well. And if they do tend to let a fight or two ( it wouldn't stop at two ) slide, I would either have to leave on my own accord or I will feel indebted to them but being such a inconvenience.

So no matter how much they say otherwise … they are just human.

Hating the Mask

Today, was a bad day. Dad referred to me as a pussy again. When he does that I want to throw stuff at him, smash his head in, shoot him in the thigh and step in it to make him suffer, crack a baseball bat at his back to just watch him suffer.

The Darkness breaking through. Like withdraw.

But Spencer order me nit to take any action. That relocation from the situation I created can't be escaped from. That the legacy must be returned to U.S. and that suffering the constant insults and belittling is my punishment I must endure for speeding up his damn timetables

But I know if I take actions, then he'll say that he was "just kidding" and that "I shouldn't have taken it so seriously" or I "shouldn't get butthurt" our some dumb shit or something stupid that he always says. Don't take it personally but they'll label me as such.

Fuck! I'm angry ... again! Angry all the time. And I'm not the beat you down kind of guy .. I'm the tie you to the bed when you sleep as I burn your house down around you kind of thing.

Or maybe I should bring Seth back. I notice how he looks at them. Even Nakoma. And CJ. He wants to beat CJ. He wants to break Bobby. He wants to ... he doesn't wan anything good for these people.

And this is my brother! They don't know what have been done just cause. Living in TOW at first there were little restrictions. Bad things happened. Some of my brothers keep good of that feeling while most of us tried to change and adapt to U.S.'s rules for TOW.

My family now won't know. The first few knew and they ... they aren't ... I can't let that happen again. Spencer thinks that I have forgotten but sometimes I remember. I know I forget because of him but sometimes I remember.

I can't let ... I have to control my brothers. My real brothers. They'll ruin everything.

Maybe I have to leave. I hate this mask I have to put on to protect people. So let me stop and save them by leaving.

It'll be best for everyone. Pack up and move on to the next level. Unless, I can come up with another solution but honestly I hate quitting and running.

Difference in Family Ties

So, not sure if I made any posts about me living with my sister Lynnanne and her kicking me out, keeping my games and console, losing over 85% of my possessions, taking over 2 800$ from me ( and asking for 700$ when she kicked me out ) and allowing my little sister ( who was right at the time ) to smoke weed. Yea, she's a piece of work, right?

Well, I've been trying to find a way to get my money or the stuff she still has back. I've talked to my card company but they are kind of dragging their feet on the whole thing while still and they cops are virtually useless. They told me to call a layer while the lawyer told me to contact yet police. Yea, useful.

I talked to my Life Manager ( Nikki from Service Access Management ) and she suggested that I try the State Police with evidence at my disposal. So, I've collected bank statements from my card company of transactions made while I was in jail and transactions made while I was living with her (

I owed her 500$ in rent which she never paid to the landlord, hence why we had to move, and she took the remaining two hundred and spent it ). Granted she bought me a few packs of cigarettes but still not justifiable for her to take my whole amount for whatever she sent it.

Well I keep notes of my actions fir everything progressive and deals with rebuilding my life. I left the notebook in the living room and I came back my dad was where I was so I'm sure he read what I wrote. He started talking to me, asking if this is what I'm trying to do.

I told him I'm exploring every option before actually taking actions but it seems like a very likely plausibility since other avenues aren't working. Then dad started to say that it would be a waste of time to pursue that avenue because:

 1) I'm a black guy in a white county. Unfair, sad truth but a truth none the less
2) The actual of time and energy required for something that would not work anyways would simply be a waste of time
3) That will piss Lynnanne off to the point to where she could destroy the remainder of my stuff or sell them meaning I won't receive anything ( or take other forms of retaliation ).
4) Even if I succeed in pursuing charges and and the courts sends her to jail and makes her pay back the money, you'll have to wait until after she is released from jail and when she is released she'll have to get a crappy job and pay like 15 - 30$ a month so it would take forever for her to actually pay back what she took.

While saying all of this, he reminds me that he doesn't care what happens to her but he doesn't want me to waste my time if my goal is revenge in any way.

He kept asking me, "Why are you doing this?" "Why do you want to do this?"

Many Andes ran through my head but Spencer was acid from me, saying that he'll shoot down my opinion because of his "superiority complex" ( Spencer's words ). So I thought hard and hard and I honestly couldn't think of an uber smart answer for dad's question.

Of course I want Lynn to pay for what she did, not only did to me but to everyone she mistreated. But dad explained that she won't learn anything. She is so stubborn that she wouldn't feel remorse or anything while she's in jail and she will do her damnest to make any form of retribution a struggle and annoyance for me. And that is just her own obstacle! There is the whole correctional system being as flawed and broken as it is. Makes it seem like no matter what I would want it wouldn't pan out.

But when I came to my own private conclusion, I heard MAD chuckle in the other room. Obviously, he approved of my conclusion.

I just want to do it simply because I want to do it. I dint care whether she learns a lesson. I'm no teacher and I have no love to teach her a damn thing. And as important as the money should be, I'm slightly indifferent ( a little more if a struggle for my actual things but I've lost things before. Hell, U.S. still gives me shit for losing the treasure chest ).

No, I want to do this because honestly I don't want myself or U.S. seen as easily pushed over. We've let this happened repeatively for far too long. I've let this happen for far too long. I'm an tired of being used. Tired of letting bad people do bad things. In the DRT I didn't let shit like this slide then. I shouldn't let shit like this happen now.

They Are All The Same

I'm so angry right now. Ever since Candi told me she was coming down to Clearfield County I had to admit that I was excited. Finally get to connect with another human being that seems remotely normal. Someone at seems to at least be on my level.

But there was a slight "tick" that bothered me. She never asked for my address and she didn't really want to pinpoint a time. Spencer chimed in my head about the bet I lost to Paris about Angel and whether she would show up for a lunch date our not over two years ago.

"She didn't show so you lost the bet," Spencer reminded me. Proof that he needed to show that women were never worth anyone's time.

But Candi had to be different. I noted against Spencer's logic that she was different. So I worked out a way, with her, to still be able to help out at the LIVE EVENT at State College and to help the Magnum Broadcasting boss, Michael, with a simple job that would take the hours and I had to pick up Josh from work at four in the morning with enough time to still see Candi this weekend before she had to head back to Camp Hill.

So to start of my Saturday, I woke up an hour late to picking up Josh which pissed me off because I had to get up at 4 in the morning and he had been waiting for about an hour, and then we had to stay in State College fit like the hours until the live event. I got up to the radio station to crash there and Josh took the SUV home since Michael was gonna drive us home.

Well, when we, myself, Tyler and Bon, got to the station we found various places to sleep. I woke up to dad calling asking where I was. I looked at the clock to find out I slept a half hour post the live event start so I grabbed Tyler and Bon and he headed to the event. Tyler put on the mascot outfit and Bon helped around the site.

Me? I was angry at myself and other prior were making me want to hurt so I kinda isolated myself in the QWIK ROCK truck. Dianna can't in to check on me and she apologized for not being able to get me free tickets to the SevenDust, ShineDown and Breaking Benjamin concert but I was okay with it, mainly because I was going to get to see Candi and I told her all about this artist woman I meant and everything.

Candi didn't actually text me until noon, saying she slept in too. I guess, it was sleep in day or something. We talked about what I had to do left and that I was looking forward to our "date".

We packed up whenever the event was over and returned to the station where Michael picked Mr up to take me to get gas and fill up a generator. Even though it took the better part of like 3-4 hours, I was okay with it because I was gonna see Candi. Sadly my phone kept ding so I could keep in constant contact buy she knew that but she also knew that I was excited about seeing her.

She mentioned that she was going to see her daughters which was cool. She hadn't seen them in a while and ... well they are her kids. I get it. I was still excited about seeing her afterwards.

Well, Michael and me finished and he took me to his house where I charged my phone and called dad to pick me up from State College. Michael paid me for my services for the day and we left fit me to go home and prepare for me to be gone for the rest of the weekend with a great woman.

I can't home, texted Candi that I got home and should be ready in half an hour and since she was staying was half an hour away anyways everything kind of lined up.

I started to give myself a hair cut and realized I had a great lesson for Xavier: the ability to learn to do things yourself. I recorded it while cutting my own hair. I hour the message git across via video.

Then took a shower and then sat back ... for two hours. Since we talked about me staying overnight I wasn't able to borrow the car but she had one and had no problem picking me up so she said ... but two hours without texting me why is was so late?

I waited another hour and I texted her asking if she forgot or something. She replied that she was sorry but that she was still with her daughters. I asked if she still edged to make the trip since she usually sleep between eight and nine because of her meds and she said she could handle it.

Here I am, on my couch, no word from Candi. It is past five in the morning ... and I am the full again waiting for the girl to come back.

I can't do this again. I really can't do this again. No respect. None at all. If she had she would have at least told me that "hey, it is getting late and I'm so sorry but can we chill tomorrow?"

I'm angry. So so angry. What's wrong with me? Am I not worth common courtesy? I've given her nothing but the best of me. Been up front with her about so much .... and now ...

But why? Why is it that dad, CJ, James all can get people to like them and here I am with people who ... I know the reason. I have always known the reason.

Because monsters never get happy endings.

Gawd, I need a cigarette

The Monster Within

I have been ... getting angry lately. More angry than I should. I get angry at my Dad for his opinions that he claims to be absolute truths and my brother Bobby for being a waste of great potential and CJ for not appreciating the great people in his life and not ignoring the worthless ones and for Tyler for .... I don't know ... for the fact that he is going through a KISS stage of his teenage years and Tink for being a brat and Mom for putting up with so much.

And most of all, I am so angry at myself for dealing with so much of this shit. For not trying to beat up Bobby and CJ for superiority. For not using Spencer's help to out think dad with his ( so called ) logic. For seeing the same thing that I see in every family that i have ever been in really? I think ultimately, people just disappointment me.

Do I have high expectations? Or do people that take me in just take advantage of me and the things that I have?

Who would do that? I do not remember if I have mentioned it but Lynnanne was with me during the 10 months that I was in jail. She visited, paid to have money on my books, told me she took care of my affairs being the old apartment and bills and such. She made me believe that she cared and that she did a lot of me. It turned out that all she really wanted was Xavier and my money. She took 1400$ from me while i was in jail, wrecked my car and took all my money while I was living with her when I got out of jail. I saw her fucked up collection of unwanted people that she collected and used. Her brother Bobby, his girlfriend Shiane, the bitch Bridget and her husband Josh. She took from everyone. She used everyone and abused the love they all had for her. Never kept to any of her promises. Everything she said she did or was going to do was a lie. It was all horrible. She is horrible.

People are horrible,

But she wasn't the only one who is starting to make me question the people who claimed to love me. Obviously the leader of that list is Jasmine. My sweet, sweet wife that cheated on me with her best friend that I left her go out with constantly, Arthur ( AJ ) Shorter. The man that ruined my life. He knew and he took advantage and ... I trusted him and I trusted her and I trusted everyone. I trusted the people who didn't tell me but knew. So many people knew and the people that knew and told me, even though I didn't believe them at the time, I hold them dear to my heart and soul. But those that knew and kept it to themselves. Never bothered to tell me that my wife was sleeping with another man for half of our marriage, they can burn in hell.

And the people directly responsible ...

I am angry. I am so angry at everything that it kills me. I don't want to be angry but I enjoy being angry. It feels better than feeling the pain of the stupid and the hateful and manipulative. I don't think I hate ... not yet. I am just angry ... and I have a feeling that one day ... one day soon ...that anger will turn into action. Maybe in me punching a wall ... or a tree ... nothing extreme, right? Baby steps,

How do I fix this? How do I deal with this constant anger and disappointment and frustration? How do I deal with this ... and live with it?

....

Parents get frustrated with their children when they don't act like perfect angels. Some run. Others work on the problem the best they can. they aren't perfect but they knew that things get better. Some relatives with other relatives do the same thing. Okay, let's step away from family since that whole "nothing is thicker than blood kind of thing". Would you want to see your best friend drown knowing you could save them.

I am angry ... I am angry because I have seen a lot of people come and go. I have lost a lot of friends and let too many enemies go on the principles of what Michael believes in. I wasn't raised like that. I was raised to not have friends to lose and to take no prisoners. But here I am, two time doped ( Jasmine and Lynn ), listening to a super conservative man talk about his borderline racists and sexists and nationalist bigotry views, feeling inferring to CJ and Bobby because I do not want to hurt them ... or worse because I remember how I was like, pissed that my mom is on the verge of losing her newly gained marriage, and ... I just feel so out of place. I feel like I don't belong with this idea of normal.

In my mind, a growing idea that keeps getting bigger with age ..., I will always be a monster. And secretly everyone knows it. So I gotta suck it up and just ... be okay being the monster.