Worse Christmas Ever

So Christmas Day, I was kind of excited.  I got the following people things:

Dad ( Charles ):
 -  car radio ( which included radio, adapter and placement plate ) ( ~80$ )
 - cup ( "hard to be nice when it is fun to be naughty" ) ( ~5$ )

Mom ( Sue ) :
 - Season 7 of SuperNatural ( ~ 5$ )
 - Twilight Behind the Scenes Book ( ~5$ )

Bobby:
 - NeverWinter Nights ( ~10$ )
 - 5 KickAss Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Diablo 2 ( ~10$ ) ( almost a gift from my brother Daniel from several years  ago: sentimental value )
 - Steam Gift Card ( ~20$ )

CJ:
 - GameStop Gift Card ( ~25$ )

Tyler:
 - Devil May Cry HD Pack: DMC 1, 2 and 3 ( ~13$ )

Nakoma:
 - Care Bears Movie ( ~5$ )
 - Cartoon Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Viva Pinta XBox 360 Game ( ~15$ )

Josh:
 - Star Trek KeyChain ( ~5$ )
 - Gears of War 1-3? ( ~10-20$ )


So I spent a pretty penny for Christmas for everyone. But I really don't care for the money. That is kind of expected when it comes to Christmas. However, when I started to take pictures of people with their gifts on Christmas, Dad got on my case, saying that he doesn't want these pictures up.

Then CJ made the comment saying that why would anyone want to post pictures for people they don't know to see. Fuck him! I know all those people that I put on my Facebook and they seem to care more than his fucking ass. The only thing that he seems to care about is if I can drive him to see his drug dealer. Other than that, the little fuck gives no fucks.

I mean ... How dare they? How dare they say these things after everything I went through. After everything I continue to go through. Not just me but with them. The financial responsibilities and the effort I put into this family that seems to ... I don't know how they ... who they think I am?

I have no pictures of my life of prior to me coming out of jail. I have no pictures of the 'prior's' lives before me. Pictures of Theodore and Michael and Guy and Chris and James and Spencer and anyone else ... their families ... their existence ... their lives ... as if they didn't matter.

Dad said a while ago, because of something that he didn't and couldn't understand, that I was a liar. He even told our boss, MY BOSS, that I was a liar and everything I say is a lie. He never could understand the struggle and suffering I have been through alone for United Separation.

But I have trusted him many times. Given him money for services and trusted him to pay for things later when I give him money now ... and every time he has let me down. Forgotten and spent the money on other things.

And Josh, thinking he knows shit about my life. Time and time again, I listen to him when he needs an ear and time and time again I bail him out of situations with Sue and Chuck and time and time again, I have to deal with his drivel and his "I know it all" and "I am superior" attitude because Michael enjoys him and his company and conversation. Even though when I confide in him about anything ( things ranging from me moving out from Lynnanne's place to asking him to vouch for me about the XBox I paid HIM for ) he lets me down by 'snitching' ( to Lynnanne about me moving ) and 'forgetting' or not giving enough of a shit about  ( when it came to the XBox ).

And why do I do all of that? Because of what James did? Because of Michael and his foolish ideals of trusting people?

When he went to jail and I tried to get his 'then' girlfriend to do anything, she did nothing and I felt his resentment at me for it. Even now after they have 'broken up', no apologies and no ... reassurance. And he continues to bitch and complain about everything when he owes so much.  He has wrecked both my car ( PT Cruiser - Alice )  and Sue's Durago. They have been in the red to keep him out of jail while they willing let me go in and sit.

But oh, not josh. Never Josh. Their ex-son in law. Their ex-son in law that they let sit in his room all day while I get up early mornings to take care of chores and run people around.

And Sue?! Always complaining about me to others and never wanting to talk to me. Even though I have given her the connection of son and mom ( foolishly it seems ) and even when I let her and James ... someone whom he claims is her 'bestie' ( whateverthefuck that means ), she still complains that we do not spend enough time.

Does she understand when we are not with her then we are running errands for her husband?! Does she understand that most nights I leave her at 9-9.30 and don't get back until like 5-6? And to what? Assholic kids ( siblings ) and adults ( parents ) who do not even know how to begin to understand?

Sadly enough the only one who seems to remotely get it is Nakoma ...

And not only that ... the proof of my life, with Jasmine and Xavier ... I miss my family. My family that no longer exists anymore. And yet ... I think about them constantly. Their ghost haunts me. Reminds me of what I have missed and what I no longer can have.

Is this hell? Did I succeed July 27th 2014?

Felicia left me and as much as that hurt, I found it a personal success that I am getting over it without incident. Especially with this crappy ass support system of people who doubt me and oppress me and put me down. They think I am better here?! Really?

Worst
Christmas
Ever

My Weekend Part 1

So, I was suppose to see Candi again on Saturday. We even planned for a week for this because I didn't want anything to go wrong this time around. She said that she had some things to do in the morning but that she would leave around 2pm for the 3 hour drive. Mom and Dad went to a company Christmas Party that I passed up to see Candi. Nakoma went to hang out with her cousins, Tyler left with Bon to do what they do and CJ and Bobby had a friend over and they were gonna be upstairs. I was gonna have Candi to myself to talk, watch movies and ... "stuff". She would see me on Saturday so I could introduce her to the folks when they got home and she would spend the night and then on Sunday spend time with her daughters, then come back until she left Monday morning.

Well, I texted her in the morning and everything seemed to still be the plan so when 2pm came and went without a "I'm out the door and on my way" message, I did not worry much ... until 6pm came and she wasn't here. I thought the worst and sent her a text message. She replied after like 15 minutes saying she was just leaving the door.

Okay, I am sure that whatever she was doing just took a lot longer than expected. No worries. As long as she is still okay and coming down, right?

In the next three hours, I cleared up the kitchen and finished 95% of the laundry, swept and picked up the carpeted living room ( because the broom got out my frustrations ), made everything not smell like dog ( which is a trade secret that people are seriously willing to kill for ) and re-showered and put on some of my nicest ( and most flattering ) clothes,.

So around 9pm, I sent her another text message, asking her if she was okay. Maybe she was in a car wreck or fell asleep at the wheel or something. I was getting worried ... again. She replied back that she was in traffic and it would take longer than she expected. She said she was in Halifax. 2 and a half hours away. Disappointed by not defeated, I kept my hopes up.

Nakoma came home because Emily was being a bully by locking her in the clothes because Nakoma didn't do what she wanted her to do.

So Nakoma and I ate some homemade ( prison taught ) Ramon Noodles and we played Tales from the Borderlands ( I played she gave suggestions to the choices ). Mom and Dad came home and asked where my friend was. Sadly, I said, that she probably isn't coming over, and then immediately launched myself into what they have been doing for the past 7 hours. They helped prep the company party and did some Christmas shopping and got most of the things on the list before actually going to the party. Since the council consisted of all three of us, so even though I wasn't there, I wanted to make sure the things I wanted the boys and Nakoma to get was purchased.

After that, we all watched some TV, where I passed out around ... 11? I woke up around 1 thinking "crap! she could have called or texted and I missed it! She probably went home if I didn't answer." Checked my phone and there was no message ... at all, call or otherwise.

Depression started to actually really set in. I had to talk to someone so I started talking to my platonic soulmate, Katelyn. See, Katelyn ( if you read the the last few times I wrote about potentially seeing Candi ) told me not to give up and not to compare her ( and every other woman ) like she is Jasmine. I have to give them a chance and not be so harsh, she said.

So when I told Kay ( short for Katelyn ) everything and she asked, "Isn't this like the 4th or 5th time she has been a no-show?" I reply, "Something like that."

I was kind of shocked that she replied, "She's a shitbag. Block her number. Go to bed."

I told her I will go to bed but I ( because I am stupid beyond belief ) stayed a wake. Around 2am, she texted me that she just got to her mom's house 30 minutes away and that she was exhausted and that she will see me tomorrow.

I ... I got ... I wasn't happy. Not even in the slightest. So I wrote back that I am glad that she is safe and that she should stay there and have a good weekend ... and then I passed out. Woke up and nothing new until closer to the afternoon where she was like, I understand that you are upset but if you want me to come over let me know.

I replied, "You know my address, come if you want". But I didn't rearrange my schedule or tell anyone to expect someone. I worked on the computer so that US would have a terminal here in T.O.W. since the laptop is gone in the wind ( because of Lynnanne ).

They Are All The Same

I'm so angry right now. Ever since Candi told me she was coming down to Clearfield County I had to admit that I was excited. Finally get to connect with another human being that seems remotely normal. Someone at seems to at least be on my level.

But there was a slight "tick" that bothered me. She never asked for my address and she didn't really want to pinpoint a time. Spencer chimed in my head about the bet I lost to Paris about Angel and whether she would show up for a lunch date our not over two years ago.

"She didn't show so you lost the bet," Spencer reminded me. Proof that he needed to show that women were never worth anyone's time.

But Candi had to be different. I noted against Spencer's logic that she was different. So I worked out a way, with her, to still be able to help out at the LIVE EVENT at State College and to help the Magnum Broadcasting boss, Michael, with a simple job that would take the hours and I had to pick up Josh from work at four in the morning with enough time to still see Candi this weekend before she had to head back to Camp Hill.

So to start of my Saturday, I woke up an hour late to picking up Josh which pissed me off because I had to get up at 4 in the morning and he had been waiting for about an hour, and then we had to stay in State College fit like the hours until the live event. I got up to the radio station to crash there and Josh took the SUV home since Michael was gonna drive us home.

Well, when we, myself, Tyler and Bon, got to the station we found various places to sleep. I woke up to dad calling asking where I was. I looked at the clock to find out I slept a half hour post the live event start so I grabbed Tyler and Bon and he headed to the event. Tyler put on the mascot outfit and Bon helped around the site.

Me? I was angry at myself and other prior were making me want to hurt so I kinda isolated myself in the QWIK ROCK truck. Dianna can't in to check on me and she apologized for not being able to get me free tickets to the SevenDust, ShineDown and Breaking Benjamin concert but I was okay with it, mainly because I was going to get to see Candi and I told her all about this artist woman I meant and everything.

Candi didn't actually text me until noon, saying she slept in too. I guess, it was sleep in day or something. We talked about what I had to do left and that I was looking forward to our "date".

We packed up whenever the event was over and returned to the station where Michael picked Mr up to take me to get gas and fill up a generator. Even though it took the better part of like 3-4 hours, I was okay with it because I was gonna see Candi. Sadly my phone kept ding so I could keep in constant contact buy she knew that but she also knew that I was excited about seeing her.

She mentioned that she was going to see her daughters which was cool. She hadn't seen them in a while and ... well they are her kids. I get it. I was still excited about seeing her afterwards.

Well, Michael and me finished and he took me to his house where I charged my phone and called dad to pick me up from State College. Michael paid me for my services for the day and we left fit me to go home and prepare for me to be gone for the rest of the weekend with a great woman.

I can't home, texted Candi that I got home and should be ready in half an hour and since she was staying was half an hour away anyways everything kind of lined up.

I started to give myself a hair cut and realized I had a great lesson for Xavier: the ability to learn to do things yourself. I recorded it while cutting my own hair. I hour the message git across via video.

Then took a shower and then sat back ... for two hours. Since we talked about me staying overnight I wasn't able to borrow the car but she had one and had no problem picking me up so she said ... but two hours without texting me why is was so late?

I waited another hour and I texted her asking if she forgot or something. She replied that she was sorry but that she was still with her daughters. I asked if she still edged to make the trip since she usually sleep between eight and nine because of her meds and she said she could handle it.

Here I am, on my couch, no word from Candi. It is past five in the morning ... and I am the full again waiting for the girl to come back.

I can't do this again. I really can't do this again. No respect. None at all. If she had she would have at least told me that "hey, it is getting late and I'm so sorry but can we chill tomorrow?"

I'm angry. So so angry. What's wrong with me? Am I not worth common courtesy? I've given her nothing but the best of me. Been up front with her about so much .... and now ...

But why? Why is it that dad, CJ, James all can get people to like them and here I am with people who ... I know the reason. I have always known the reason.

Because monsters never get happy endings.

Gawd, I need a cigarette