We'd Leave the Greater to Suffer for the Few

Sue is starting to actually have dreams of LaFall alive rather than dead like that night of the car wreck in August 2012. She said that she had a dream last night where everyone was on some sort of vacation and they kept changing the rooms on her after everyone got settled. After the 5th move, she got frustrated and asked why they kept moving us. They ( or Chuck ) told her that there was something in the rooms and if she stayed there for too long then she would want to stay.

So Sue, in the dream, got everyone preoccupied and started to snoop around in the room and found a closest in which she and her kids had whenever they were younger. They would use to hid in the closest when they were younger .... and Sue thoughts she heard something in this closet that magically appear.

She opens the door and LaFall jumps up. Then she asks Sue to not leave her. Then Chuck comes in and starts to pull her away from this LaFall.

Sue told me this dream she had last night ... and she told me she would leave all of us to stay with her.

Chuck and Sue translate all of that into Sue not forgiving herself for the death of LaFall. I see it that Sue is one more step closer to seeing that death is the ultimate choice to be with LaFall.

I want to be made that she would leave all of us in a heartbeat for LaFall. 6-7 ( 3 hers and 3-4 dad's depending on if she can tolerate Lynnanne or not that day )s children. 1 Husband. Friends and Family. House. Home. Better life. But obviously all of that means nothing without LaFall.

But I cannot be that angry. I would slaughter all of them if I knew I could rewind time and get my family back. If I could get back Jasmine and Xavier. When we were a good family.

Because the 'alive dream' that Sue just got, I have had ever since July 27th of 2014. Every night ... save a few.

I hope some angel or demon never comes to both me and Sue with the same offer of sacrifice to get what we truly desire. We share that pain and hurt and carry it with us every day ... but it isn't the same ... and she'll never notice.

She barely notices the change now.

Worse Christmas Ever

So Christmas Day, I was kind of excited.  I got the following people things:

Dad ( Charles ):
 -  car radio ( which included radio, adapter and placement plate ) ( ~80$ )
 - cup ( "hard to be nice when it is fun to be naughty" ) ( ~5$ )

Mom ( Sue ) :
 - Season 7 of SuperNatural ( ~ 5$ )
 - Twilight Behind the Scenes Book ( ~5$ )

Bobby:
 - NeverWinter Nights ( ~10$ )
 - 5 KickAss Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Diablo 2 ( ~10$ ) ( almost a gift from my brother Daniel from several years  ago: sentimental value )
 - Steam Gift Card ( ~20$ )

CJ:
 - GameStop Gift Card ( ~25$ )

Tyler:
 - Devil May Cry HD Pack: DMC 1, 2 and 3 ( ~13$ )

Nakoma:
 - Care Bears Movie ( ~5$ )
 - Cartoon Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Viva Pinta XBox 360 Game ( ~15$ )

Josh:
 - Star Trek KeyChain ( ~5$ )
 - Gears of War 1-3? ( ~10-20$ )


So I spent a pretty penny for Christmas for everyone. But I really don't care for the money. That is kind of expected when it comes to Christmas. However, when I started to take pictures of people with their gifts on Christmas, Dad got on my case, saying that he doesn't want these pictures up.

Then CJ made the comment saying that why would anyone want to post pictures for people they don't know to see. Fuck him! I know all those people that I put on my Facebook and they seem to care more than his fucking ass. The only thing that he seems to care about is if I can drive him to see his drug dealer. Other than that, the little fuck gives no fucks.

I mean ... How dare they? How dare they say these things after everything I went through. After everything I continue to go through. Not just me but with them. The financial responsibilities and the effort I put into this family that seems to ... I don't know how they ... who they think I am?

I have no pictures of my life of prior to me coming out of jail. I have no pictures of the 'prior's' lives before me. Pictures of Theodore and Michael and Guy and Chris and James and Spencer and anyone else ... their families ... their existence ... their lives ... as if they didn't matter.

Dad said a while ago, because of something that he didn't and couldn't understand, that I was a liar. He even told our boss, MY BOSS, that I was a liar and everything I say is a lie. He never could understand the struggle and suffering I have been through alone for United Separation.

But I have trusted him many times. Given him money for services and trusted him to pay for things later when I give him money now ... and every time he has let me down. Forgotten and spent the money on other things.

And Josh, thinking he knows shit about my life. Time and time again, I listen to him when he needs an ear and time and time again I bail him out of situations with Sue and Chuck and time and time again, I have to deal with his drivel and his "I know it all" and "I am superior" attitude because Michael enjoys him and his company and conversation. Even though when I confide in him about anything ( things ranging from me moving out from Lynnanne's place to asking him to vouch for me about the XBox I paid HIM for ) he lets me down by 'snitching' ( to Lynnanne about me moving ) and 'forgetting' or not giving enough of a shit about  ( when it came to the XBox ).

And why do I do all of that? Because of what James did? Because of Michael and his foolish ideals of trusting people?

When he went to jail and I tried to get his 'then' girlfriend to do anything, she did nothing and I felt his resentment at me for it. Even now after they have 'broken up', no apologies and no ... reassurance. And he continues to bitch and complain about everything when he owes so much.  He has wrecked both my car ( PT Cruiser - Alice )  and Sue's Durago. They have been in the red to keep him out of jail while they willing let me go in and sit.

But oh, not josh. Never Josh. Their ex-son in law. Their ex-son in law that they let sit in his room all day while I get up early mornings to take care of chores and run people around.

And Sue?! Always complaining about me to others and never wanting to talk to me. Even though I have given her the connection of son and mom ( foolishly it seems ) and even when I let her and James ... someone whom he claims is her 'bestie' ( whateverthefuck that means ), she still complains that we do not spend enough time.

Does she understand when we are not with her then we are running errands for her husband?! Does she understand that most nights I leave her at 9-9.30 and don't get back until like 5-6? And to what? Assholic kids ( siblings ) and adults ( parents ) who do not even know how to begin to understand?

Sadly enough the only one who seems to remotely get it is Nakoma ...

And not only that ... the proof of my life, with Jasmine and Xavier ... I miss my family. My family that no longer exists anymore. And yet ... I think about them constantly. Their ghost haunts me. Reminds me of what I have missed and what I no longer can have.

Is this hell? Did I succeed July 27th 2014?

Felicia left me and as much as that hurt, I found it a personal success that I am getting over it without incident. Especially with this crappy ass support system of people who doubt me and oppress me and put me down. They think I am better here?! Really?

Worst
Christmas
Ever

Just do it MYSELF

Do yesterday, I was extremely frustrated. Partially from not having cigarettes, partially from Harley doing what she always seems to do, partially from not having time for my own thing because I'm doing mom and dad's thing. Not one thing but many.

And dad wanted me to drive up to Nan s place because he wanted to see a relative that he hasn't seen in a while. I was annoyed and tired and frustrated. But he kept bitching do I went with him but he drove.

On the way, he started his spew on how he doesn't believe that I would be able to get my son back unless I am with then. Saying that this society and world's mindset isn't in my favor. A black Nan with a history of violence and mental health issue will not have much of a way time trying to get him son back. But that being in this family, they will see that I have a support system.

I tried to echoes how I didn't think that mattered because of the good work I've done so far. The agencies that work with me and the progress I've been making since I've been out should be plenty to show that I'm on the right path of progress.

Then he pulled out "and where did you do all this progress at? Our house." Catch 22. Stuck from all directions.

And the conversation was frustrating to say the least. Especially with him saying "we need to speak reality and not fantasy", referring to my life, my world, my thoughts and opinion as fantasy, was pissing me off extremely.

Honestly, what I got from that conversation is that I'm relying too much on this family. It is starting to sound like what Spencer was thinking about when it came to the Lost Original's situation and family. That they wanted to use him for some reason. That he couldn't escape. Not until MAD gave him the escape he needed from this world ... and ours.

I cannot let that happen to me. If I leave, it'll be by my terms. If I fail, it will be by my terms. Fantasy or not! I rather repeat the process a million times and eventually succeed in my terms rather than easily succeed due to someone else.

I don't want to put do much reliance on other TOW people. That is what happened when it came to Jasmine. And I was so dependant that when I finally lost her, I lost it.

I have to set a date to leave. With or without their blessing.

Enough people hate me in this world. And if this family hates me for wanting to advance in my own life ... then so be it.

Questioning my Fatherhood

Yesterday, Dad invited the local relatives over for a BBQ in our backyard. I didn't really want to make an appearance because ... well, I don't know them that well. I rather meet people in segments and slowly rather than 'oh hi! my name is ... ". I rather see you a few times while doing a choir. Give them time to get used to me. But in a group setting, it is difficult for U.S. to say the least.

Well, my cousin, Zack, brought his girlfriend ( whose name escapes me but I am sure it starts with a K so I am gonna call her K ) came too and brought her nephew.

He looked the size of Xavier but more energetic.

Suddenly, I started to miss him tremendously. And I started to question ... if I allowed him to have more fun when he was with me. When we were a family, Jasmine kind of took care of the fun aspect but she was always out and about ( probably with AJ ). I mean, we had fun but he wasn't anywhere near as active as this nephew of K was.

I think about Xavier, constantly ... but there are times that I question if I were a good enough father to my son :(

New Year Goals for 2016!

So the New Year is here and things need to get better. Seriously can't keep going on like this because it isn't productive. It isn't enough. Not for me and definitely not for U.S. They are just tolerating it at the moment but ... I can't fail them too. And honestly, they are far more important than whatever affairs I have going on so I have to start putting them higher on the priority ladder.

Also, I was talking to Vincent a few days ago before the New Year and I gave him a break down of what I have been doing and the previously, mentioned that I have to do more for me and even though I have started to get rid of people in my life that I felt were weeds ... I kept a few of them for nostalgia reasons.

That needs to stop. A lot of things need to stop ... and a few things need to start.

GOALS FOR 2016

• Delete Social Media "friends" that don't post, are connected to anyone who isn't for morally supporting me in my life. Trying to make my digital footprint more useful.

On my Facebook, there are a lot of people that I have on there that aren't really for me, even when they say they are. They have no real purpose other than I saw potential in them and yet they dropped the ball hardcore. I am not Michael. I am bad at seeing the good in people and having it pan out. It always turns out to be false. I would just shut down the whole Social Media thing but it isn't just for me but it is part of the "revised" NJS Project idea.

Spencer says that a public image needs to be established. Not only to try to reach more resources but also for the next version ( if there is going to be a next version ) to pick up from and watch and have a better idea on what he has behind him.

But then again, that is just if he picks up from where I leave. He might be assigned to do his own thing and leave my life alone to just disappear like so many other personas before me.

Regardless, I have to weed out people who depress me, disappoint me, let me down and are just worthless in my personal growth. That's first and foremost. 

• The Legacy Webisodes ( Preparing a Legend )

Do any of you guys remember seeing Iron Man 2? Tony Stark ( Iron Man ) did not have a good relationship with his father and Tony held on to that for a long time. When he was dealing with the events of Iron Man 2, he was watching old work videos of his father. While watching one of his father's work videos, his father took aside some time to talk to his "future" son. Telling him how much he meant to him and what he needed to do to succeed in life. Somewhere, within that video Tony gained a new found love for his father and the solution to the movie's problem.

I don't know what Xavier, my son, will face in the future but I do know I want to be there ... incase I am not there for him. Jasmine has him now and because of the PFA ( a form of a Restraining Order ) I can't be there for him for another 2 years!

The plan is that I want to leave lessons that I am learning for him. I don't want him to make the mistakes I have made. I want him to learn from what I have done to make himself better. So whenever I come up with an idea for a lesson or anything, I try to make a 3-5 minute video about it, in hopes that he'll see it and learn from it.

So far, I have made 4 to 5 videos about different things that I know about life. Maybe I might advance that to things about me. Me! Not U.S. Sounds kind of selfish but I have to prepare him somehow even if I am not there. Some of these things are kind of advance for him now but I am hoping that once he is older he will see the videos and see how much I loved and cared for him.

I am still debating if I want the others to be in it. Spencer, James, Michael, Danny, Tobias ... even other people in my life. Still working on just doing it ya know cuz I can't just pull it out and do it whenever. I have to find a quiet place or ( in the case where mom ... sue, was driving ) with people around me that won't distract and just watch and understand. 

• Remembrance ( a homage to those important in my life but aren't in it anymore )

Even though there are a lot of people that are ( currently ) linked digitally and personally to me that I need to get rid of there are a few that I do feel something for about no longer being in my life. Some of them are really close while other are just people I want to know that they lost a great change to be part of something more.

I suppose I just to let certain people know who they are to me. Because some people need to know that their actions have effects on other people. A lot of people tell me that other people don't matter and that what you do is just on you. But they are wrong. I have learned that no one person is an island. What every single person does effects another, whether they know it or not.

And whether good or bad, people have to know what they have done. And since it is my life, they have to know what they have done to me ... since I'll be getting rid of anyway for them to contact me at all.

I haven't started but I have plenty of plans on what to say to and to whom. That is a work in process.

• Obtain myself another Personal Vehicle

For those of you that don't know, around the time that Jasmine left, I purchased a family car. Not a car to look cool with or to impress anyone but I wanted a car more for Xavier. Something safe and practical. So I got a 2003 PT Cruiser ( it was cheaper than getting a Volvo or Subaru ).

However, whenever I went away, I let my sister use the car because she needed it ( even though it was under me and my mom ( Sue ) 's name ). Lynn made it seem like she need it far more than my mom did but I did tell them to share it if they both need it. Well, some sort of conflict arrised with it and mom just told Lynnanne to use it since she was being difficult. In the arguing, my insurance ( that grandad, Sue's dad had me on ) ran out.

Shortly after that, Josh slipped on some black ice and wrecked it. So coming back, I had no car ( even though Lynn said she would pay for me to get a new car ... even though she didn't have one herself ) and have been driving mom's car ( until Josh wrecked that too and now we are driving a car that dad's boss is giving to us on loan until we can purchase another one ).

Since moving in with mom and dad, I have been giving them a big chuck of my money to help with the rent and bills and such ( hell, I am living here after all ). But mom is working on a settlement that will bring in a lot of money come the end of January. However, there is a chance it won't come in and I am prepared mentally for that but if it does, they will repay all that money that I used for the rent/bills and with that, I am getting a new car for myself.

Matt, Brandi's fiance, has a Subaru that he wants to sell for 3400$ and I want it ( because it is a Subaru and I love Subarus ). However, Tammy told me that while she was hanging out with her sister Amy, Brandi and Matt, that Brandi and Matt where laughing at the fact that I was going to buy a fucked up car. Naturally, that would bar me from even talking to them but I do want that car. So let's be smart about it, I'll look around for another car but if I don't find one that I like, then I'll tell Matt that I'll take it but I am going to take it to a trusted mechanic ( this family that I am living with now knows a lot of mechanics ) to see what is wrong with it and what I need to spend to bring it up to code. If it is more than what the asking price is for it then I'll tell him that I'll take it off his hands for what the junk yard would take it for ( maybe a few hundred more to sweeten the pot ).

That will reduce the price considerably and with the left over money, I'll pay for the repairs and have my own 'Fast and Furious' rally car! I am looking forward to this. I expect to pay somewhere between 1000-1500$ for the car and then at the most another 1k for the repairs. That I am okay with.

• Obtain another Home Base

When I first got my place in Clearfield, I was working on making it a ... well, a Home Base. No one knew where I lived and I moved so much equipment into the place. What I could move without being too suspicious. Obtained TVs, monitors, hardware. I needed a personal Central Hub for information and data saving ... on a budget.

Then I got with Jasmine and my Head Quarters became a home. Changed everything. Packed away most of the equipment and put "family" stuff up. Pictures and got things family orientated furniture and such. Even got things for Xavier before he got born. And when my apartment wasn't enough, we moved across the hall to a bigger place.

And even though I had to get rid of the work, I still kept my apartment practical and ... well, it worked. But being in jail caused me to lose all that and Lynnann only really saved things that she figured she would eventually need herself. 93% of what I owned is gone. Never to be seen again. When the realization of how much history and stuff was actually gone ... I admit, I cried. Not just for me but for my brothers too. Their stuff was gone too. Letters and pictures and equipment and so, so much more.

And living with Lynnann after jail ... well, I wasn't content. James was because they didn't give a fuck where he went as long as it didn't follow him home but I wasn't. No matter what I did, it wasn't enough. And I wanted to constantly kill Bridget.

Living with Mom and Dad now isn't so bad. It is slightly better. And I do so much here that I keep myself busy but at the same time, I have no room, I have no where to actually keep my stuff so it is kind of shattered throughout the house in "hiding" spots.

I need my own safe haven. My own place. Damn, at the moment, I'll settle for my own room. Just something to call mine.

Mom and Dad want to buy the whole duplex when Mom gets her settlement. I will get a room in that one ( and maybe another one for Xavier when I get him back ) but would that really be enough. Mom and Dad want me close to them because they worry about a encore of my incident with Jasmine ( since I am still having flashbacks and whatnot ) so I have to prove that I can handle that and take hold of my life again.

I am not sure if I want to live with anyone else really but I think I might have to at first. And if I don't live with Mom and Dad, they would be okay if I live close enough for them to take action if something did happen. However, if U.S. feels that being a hindrance then we might ghost. I am hoping that things don't come to do that but that depends on how well I handle this year.

• Expand on my Second Chance Reviews page

I started this project of mine before I left at the end of Summer of 2014 and when I came back mid 2015, I have been trying really hard to keep up with it. A post by the end of the work week ( Friday ) so that people who get their paychecks on Fridays can see it and go to the store with a better idea on what to pick up.

I have been trying to get lesser named games and older games that are cheaper because that is what Second Chance Reviews ( SCR ) is all about. The poorer gamer who wants a heads up on a good or bad game or for games who got a bad wrap to get another swing!

So far, I have a Facebook Group and Facebook Page. I also have a Google Blogspot page and my friend, Shawn got me a website for SCR. I honestly didn't think I would have so many venues so quickly but feel lucky to have so much for something that I just started taking more seriously. I even have myself an Editor ( Katelyn ) and two writers so far ( JenM and ReneH ). I want 1-2 more writers so I can just worry about the actual upkeep of the website but for the moment I am also a writer and I have to admit that it is tough for me to keep up on posting every week and play a particular game for a week and write a review for it by Friday ( with everything else that I have to do around the house and for U.S. ).

The week before Christmas and Christmas itself and then New Years Day were void of actual posts. I haven't just been slacking but the holidays suck for actual free time.

Also, it doesn't help that dad keeps saying that it isn't important since it doesn't bring in any money but I am constantly surrounded by 'nah' sayers so I let that shit roll off me and keep doing me.

I was never in this for the money but I was in it for the love of gaming! It is part of who I am. 

( Actually, I would have more fun making webisodes on how to operate firearms since I am seriously more interested in that! But I am not allowed to even touch a firearm :'( )

This year, I want to at least force myself to post ( either through me or through writers I find ) 3-4x times a month. I also need to find a way to better manage the website. It is nice to have a website but if it doesn't look good then what's the point. I want to be able to purchase advertisement before mid-year. Facebook got avenues for that and since I know both Shawn and Dad, they would advertise for me on a discounted rate ( I hope ).

Next year, if I do well with this I'll start "First Impression". More on that Next Year!

• Indulge into the Gaming Scene

I enjoy playing video games. I do take care of things. I help cook, clean and work ( ask people who know me )! I take care of what I need to take care of and when I got myself some well desired free time, I juggle everything else ( social media, friends, video games ... trust me that is a lot to juggle ).

Well, lately, I have been trying to join a few  FB groups involving gaming and whatnot. I got myself a Twitch Account in hopes to start my own Twitch channel come the turn of the year ( that plan feel behind a little. still waiting on parts ). Lynn won't return the XBox I bought or the games I owned and I found a few that my brothers "borrowed" while I was away ( not knowing what else is floating around in this house ).

I have tried to focus on my Second Chance Reviews websites/pages/blogs but it is a lot for one person. I am trying to befriend and recruit as much as I can but ... well, money is the great motivator that I do not have lol But I am hoping that some people who play video games and who know how to write a little are willing to give their options on some underdogs of games! :D

The community is out there. I just have to convince them to do something they already love and try something new. So far I have two writers ( JenM and ReneH ) and editor ( Katelyn ).

KayM - Editor

ReneH - Writer

JennM - Writer

It is growing but I want more!

I want an active Twitch Account that I broadcast on regularly ( once a week ... twice tops! ) and it will be more up to date games than my SCR site. I would like to get a new XBox 360 that's mine ( since my sister Lynn won't give back the one I paid her for, cause she has amnesia about me paying her for it ) and trying to share 2 in a household of 7 with 3 TV is hard ( trust me it is ). If I have the money, I'll buy a Xbox One but I don't know if its sharing protocol allows for inbox window to see me while I play ... or if I have to buy a computer to even do that.

I also want to build a Gaming PC. Danny ( my computer tech in T.O.W. ) says that it would take a little under 400$ to get a good one. There a few games I want to have on my Twitch Broadcasting account. Mainly Elder Scrolls Online, Diablo, StarBound and this GunZ 2 game! Good stuff, I'll say.

But before all of that, I have to update my computer. Graphics Card and maybe a new processor. I got the hardware so I am about half way there, no? Once again, Mom and Dad says they'll pay for that too.

If not then I'll have to re-evaluate my family contributions.

• Stop Putting Anyone ( Women ) Over Me

I don't know where I went wrong with Jasmine but Vincent says that my problem with her ( and probably every woman in my life ) is that I put them before me. I explain to him that women I do that to, I love to that level to care about them before me. Then he says, "And they know it and they use that shit as a stepping stone. Once they realize you are starting to not support their damn weight they will find another stone. Don't be that stone." ( paraphrased from Vincent )

I have to admit that since I have been back, I have been through a lot of heartache. Some of them James set up "dates" for me and other times, I find interest in people. Let's go down the list and write what went wrong.

Lacey - "my racist dad wouldn't understand" - her words

Brandi - taken ... sadly

Ebu - I decided to friendzone

Shiane - strung me along for months

( photo not available )

Bre - taken

Chantell - disappeared

Marsha - nutcase

Stephanie - too stuck in her old ways to change

Samantha - complete diss

Denise - "not black enough"

Ashley - old love who became too slutty to tolerate

Melissa - over-complicating and weird

Frosty - friendzoned me

Jeanie - she was too tired to bother

Kayla - FwB ex-gf who moved on ... multiple times

Amanda - uninterested

Mandy - semi-mutual friendzoned

Jeska - BDSM who lost interest and became unreliable

Krystal ( KiK ) - major mood swings ... potential catfish

Jennay - disappeared

April - not "black" enough

Karla - career focused

Right now, I am trying to make things work with Candi but I am feeling that once again, I am making all the effort. I think I am going to give her one more month and then drop her and call it quits if things don't approve ... across the board. No dating. No talking. No trying to impress. Nope. Done. Finish. Fin! Completely too old, too tired and too heartbroken to keep trying
like this to just keep falling. Yeah, I could switch up tactics but honestly, this is a young guy's game and I am way behind and got way more important things to do.

Sorry ladies, I am officially done bothering to try anymore. The only thing I got on me is my son now. And speaking of which ...

• Get Xavier Back

Honestly, before I went to jail, Jasmine would not have had a snowball chance in hell of getting Xavier in a custody battle. At the time, I was way more stable. My name was on everything since I actually paid for everything ( if not the majority of everything ). I owned the apartment and the things inside of it ( expect for her closest of stuff she owned ). I owned a car and I had a steady flow of money that came in a went directly into bills. The teachers would come in to help prep Xavier for school and it was me who was with him and them and it was me who worked with him after they left and kept the records and recorded everything and ... EVERYTHING! I did everything and I regretted nothing. He was my son, the product of love ( I thought ) and I wanted the world for him.

Then when Jasmine told me ... what she told me ... I felt that I failed everyone. That I was a joke to everyone. The most important person to me next to my son didn't just betray me but has been. She has been playing me for a fool and ... what she did was more than cheat on me, she killed my soul. The inner me that believed and hoped and dreamt that a messed up person like me can have a happy ending - that is what she killed. And I couldn't handle that. I've been shot and stabbed and beaten and even tortured. But that, that hurt way more than anything because that killed who I was.

And I attempted to make the pain stop.

And from that, they arrested me and she tried to take as much from me as possible. The most precious thing was my son. And since coming back ... well, I can't say that I have been doing everything as I can because I know that I have to figure out what I want to return to him as. I can't return to him as the destroyed man that his mother left behind. I can't be the monster I was before, either. And I can't be ... I need to be better.

I need the following:
- self-sustaining money flow
- suitable and comfortable living environment ( to my own standards along with the government )

- my own form of transportation
- my anger and other emotions under control
- better support system ( for him, not for me )
- to be on track with what U.S. needs/wants

Not exactly a tall order but still none of those things are an over night task. I got the SSI back but it isn't fixed. I have to refund the money that Lynn took while I was in jail so I lose a little under 200$ from each check to pay it back. The difficulties with that whole situation lies here if you want to read more on that.

And depending how this duplex idea pans out determines if I stay here or look elsewhere for what I need when it comes to Xavier and I. I love my family here ( believe it or not ) but it is kind of crazy here. Regardless of each of their immature personalities, 7 people is a lot to deal with ( without adding the whole U.S. situation ). And then there are the 3 days that I don't care for but I have to help take care of ( the owners of the dogs barely take care of them but they throw fits about us giving them away ).

I am hoping that I can control a little more of what happens on the other side of the house when the whole duplex is purchased but if I can't handle it or I don't feel that we all are on the same page, I will go elsewhere to try to make it happen. I am not looking to move anyone in if I get to have him over at my place. Like I am not looking for another person to help me with him. I needed Jasmine for that and I relied on her so much ( for mental/moral support ) that when she left, it broke down completely. I have to be able to grow beyond that while I am here in T.O.W. I can't let what happen before or anything like that breakdown happen again. I can't lose my son. I can't lose the Legacy.

Now, the reason I am working on weeding out the worthless people isn't just because for me but I have to surround myself with a better caliber of people for him. Who I hang out with, he will be exposed to so I have to work on that a lot better.

I wasn't that angry as a person before on the outside. I held it in for Xavier ... for Jasmine. I held everyone of my brothers back as long as I could. I swear I did but ... one vs six doesn't work. So rather than doing the same thing as before, I have to learn new skills. I have to learn to manage them. To handle them. To make sure that I deserve the title of Primary.

And I have to stand on my own. I can not stress that enough. There is only so much I can stand other people supporting me. Especially, family, as strange as that seems. I am too old to still be home. Visit for a little while but I am starting to feel that it is time that I make a move for advancement here.

I have to be more than me for Xavier. Because I gave him my word ...

But that is the goals for 2016 for now. I am hoping that I keep that very much on track for a whole year. And this entry has extended long enough so ... hopefully more on progress very soon.

As the anger grows

Lately, I've been extremely more angry. Angry at dad, Bobby, CJ ... Even Nakoma.

Saturday, Nakoma wanted to to watch scary movies with me and we had fun. Her running behind me during the scary parts and me being the big brother that I am too reassure her that there odd nothing to worry about.

After the movie, she was on her way downstairs when she saw a sticker she put on her months ago that said, "being drug free is the key to success". She started say that being drug free isn't really the key to success. I tried to explain to her that drugs confuse and distract you more so than one needs.

She started to argue that I was wrong.

Then I started to get upset because I know her ideals comes from dad. Dad himself doesn't do drugs now but her grew up in the age of sex, drugs and rock and roll. It kind of formed him into the person he is today. But he is kind if laxed on they idea of addicts and drugs, where as I have a stricter idea of drugs and what not.

It upset me that those ideals are being absorbed by Nakoma. Actually, it pissed me off.

But getting upset with her wasn't right. I was so upset that I stormed out, leaving her alone and not dissing to her the rest of the night.

The next day I felt horrible about being that crossed with her. I should have listened to what she had to say and worked with that. Not just label what I thought she was going to say as wrong but hear her out and give her my opinion.

That is the person I want to be. Ok want to be the good influence. To treat everyone I come across on a respectable adult level regardless of age or relation.

It is how I wanted to be after Michael found Mr, it is how I wanted to be when I was married to

Jasmine and how I want to treat my children.

I can't let this anger get the best of me. I have to ... calm down and deal with situations with assertiveness and not aggressiveness.

I need to be better ...

Without Me

So, for some reason that I can only explain as stupid evil coincidence, I ended up going something that was close enough to Jasmine's name that it brought up her Facebook profile.

It has a new picture. And a new covert photo ... of Xavier.

Oh my God he had grown so much! I don't even recognize him. Gawd I feel like breaking down. Too many things happening.

Candi's open disrespect
Jasmine reusing her old profile
Xavier growing up ... without me
Me trying to quit smoking ... a week ago
Mom, Dad, CJ, Bobby, Josh .... everyone

I'm just ... I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know if I can handle any of this much longer

They Are All The Same

I'm so angry right now. Ever since Candi told me she was coming down to Clearfield County I had to admit that I was excited. Finally get to connect with another human being that seems remotely normal. Someone at seems to at least be on my level.

But there was a slight "tick" that bothered me. She never asked for my address and she didn't really want to pinpoint a time. Spencer chimed in my head about the bet I lost to Paris about Angel and whether she would show up for a lunch date our not over two years ago.

"She didn't show so you lost the bet," Spencer reminded me. Proof that he needed to show that women were never worth anyone's time.

But Candi had to be different. I noted against Spencer's logic that she was different. So I worked out a way, with her, to still be able to help out at the LIVE EVENT at State College and to help the Magnum Broadcasting boss, Michael, with a simple job that would take the hours and I had to pick up Josh from work at four in the morning with enough time to still see Candi this weekend before she had to head back to Camp Hill.

So to start of my Saturday, I woke up an hour late to picking up Josh which pissed me off because I had to get up at 4 in the morning and he had been waiting for about an hour, and then we had to stay in State College fit like the hours until the live event. I got up to the radio station to crash there and Josh took the SUV home since Michael was gonna drive us home.

Well, when we, myself, Tyler and Bon, got to the station we found various places to sleep. I woke up to dad calling asking where I was. I looked at the clock to find out I slept a half hour post the live event start so I grabbed Tyler and Bon and he headed to the event. Tyler put on the mascot outfit and Bon helped around the site.

Me? I was angry at myself and other prior were making me want to hurt so I kinda isolated myself in the QWIK ROCK truck. Dianna can't in to check on me and she apologized for not being able to get me free tickets to the SevenDust, ShineDown and Breaking Benjamin concert but I was okay with it, mainly because I was going to get to see Candi and I told her all about this artist woman I meant and everything.

Candi didn't actually text me until noon, saying she slept in too. I guess, it was sleep in day or something. We talked about what I had to do left and that I was looking forward to our "date".

We packed up whenever the event was over and returned to the station where Michael picked Mr up to take me to get gas and fill up a generator. Even though it took the better part of like 3-4 hours, I was okay with it because I was gonna see Candi. Sadly my phone kept ding so I could keep in constant contact buy she knew that but she also knew that I was excited about seeing her.

She mentioned that she was going to see her daughters which was cool. She hadn't seen them in a while and ... well they are her kids. I get it. I was still excited about seeing her afterwards.

Well, Michael and me finished and he took me to his house where I charged my phone and called dad to pick me up from State College. Michael paid me for my services for the day and we left fit me to go home and prepare for me to be gone for the rest of the weekend with a great woman.

I can't home, texted Candi that I got home and should be ready in half an hour and since she was staying was half an hour away anyways everything kind of lined up.

I started to give myself a hair cut and realized I had a great lesson for Xavier: the ability to learn to do things yourself. I recorded it while cutting my own hair. I hour the message git across via video.

Then took a shower and then sat back ... for two hours. Since we talked about me staying overnight I wasn't able to borrow the car but she had one and had no problem picking me up so she said ... but two hours without texting me why is was so late?

I waited another hour and I texted her asking if she forgot or something. She replied that she was sorry but that she was still with her daughters. I asked if she still edged to make the trip since she usually sleep between eight and nine because of her meds and she said she could handle it.

Here I am, on my couch, no word from Candi. It is past five in the morning ... and I am the full again waiting for the girl to come back.

I can't do this again. I really can't do this again. No respect. None at all. If she had she would have at least told me that "hey, it is getting late and I'm so sorry but can we chill tomorrow?"

I'm angry. So so angry. What's wrong with me? Am I not worth common courtesy? I've given her nothing but the best of me. Been up front with her about so much .... and now ...

But why? Why is it that dad, CJ, James all can get people to like them and here I am with people who ... I know the reason. I have always known the reason.

Because monsters never get happy endings.

Gawd, I need a cigarette

Dark Horse

So I've been seeing someone ... well, not really seeing anyone because it isn't official or anything.

Okay, let me start over. I knew a woman who taught me how to cook and clean and other daily activities that I had troubles with when I started living by myself. She was so cool and everything and she was so supportive. I considered her a great friend. I even invited her to the last birthday party that I attended.

Candi ( potential GF? )

She didn't show up and that was around the time Jasmine and I were ding better and nothing else matters. Nothing else at all. Not my smoking habit or my meds or going to my support group or even my friends. Nothing mattered because I was improving my family, Jasmine and Xavier.

Because of my dedication to something that already failed before it started, I had to "go away".

Now being back, James has made a campaign to get me hooked up with different women. Some were ridiculously outrageous or even out of my league. Others were simply not interested and others simply did not interest me personally. And there were a few that started off great and I was really excited about. Like Jennay and Shiane and Lacey and even Kayla and Jeska, but they all failed me. They were so stuck on themselves when I needed someone to be there for me as a friend and a partner.

My good friend, Frosty, who James has had a huge crush on, told me that I was comparing every girl to the idea I have out on a pedestal of Jasmine at her best in my mind and that is "not only unrealistic and impossible because that Jasmine isn't and probably never was the real Jasmine but also that means that you haven't let her go or moved on. Is that right for the next girl?"

Upon this revelation I ended James's Woman Search Project do I could move on. Concentrated on my own life and such. I started to get rid of people on my Facebook profile and phone contacts. Less fake people to focus on the people that actually meant something to me.

Candi was someone who survived the First Round of Elimination and I started talking to people, including her, to let them know that I cared about their lives ( something dad seems to feel is pointless ). Some replied while others didn't which made it easier to decide who wouldn't make it past Round Two.

I found myself talking to Candi often. Liking pictures and posts and making comments and what not. Enjoying the interaction because she would actually reply and talk back with some sense. I was enjoying myself with her.

One day, she posted that she was in a relationship to show her respect and everything. I talked her later and found out she did that to make her ex leave her alone. Something in me got excited and we started talking more personally. Dancing around but finally getting to the point that we liked each.

The moment I got her to actually get her to tell me that she likes me was last week and I told her that I have grown to really look forward to talking to her every day. Yes, that is how I say I like someone lol

So we have been talking for about a week, knowing we like each other so the conversion has upgraded a bit without being too teenage sex obsessed. I've confessed a lot of things that most people ( mainly referring to Cat ) freak out and disappear. She understood. She cared. She shared her own tough story which caused her to move to Camp Hill and I understood her situation and realized how small this world really is.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a story for another day!

We grew really close. Played the 20 Question game ( happy I confess ) and we learned a lot about each other.

Well, her mother is going for surgery tomorrow and she came into her parents house in Clearfield to accompany her mother to the Pittsburgh Hospital.

Which means she will be in the same county. Which also should mean that this should be a great opportunity to relax, have fun and try to move on.

I want this, right? No, I need this! I want to be with her. I want to move on from Jasmine. And ity isn't just because I want someone to trace Jasmine because in reality I know that I can't just replace Janine but I can hope that Candi and I can help each other be better. We are both rebuilding our lives and I am sure this can work.

I want this to work.

I need this to work.

I would love it if this would work because I think I might ... no, can't jinx it lol not yet.

But I am ready. I am so ready to experience Candi in her entirety.

The Struggle Contines

So I have spoken of the girl that I liked, Shiane, right? Well, I wrote her a message saying that I miss her and that I hope that she is having fun at college. I said that I look forward to her continuing contact after 1-2 weeks of radio silence and that I know that she is gonna meet a lot of friends in college but that I hope she doesn't forget that she loves me and everything.

Her response is this:

Hi! ^///^ I am thinking of you and this was the nicest thing ever sent to me. ^-^ it is eventful and no I don't have a boyfriend, although I will say I have met someone I wish would let me get  closer to, but all well. ^-^ I miss and love you too.

James says that that screams "Friend-Zone" Love like a blowhorn, so ... yea, another rejection of something that I tried really hard to succeed in. Maybe this woman thing isn't for me.

Yet, James got two women revealing that they have secretly always liked me ... us ... complicated but yeah. James is like a Cj in the sense that he always gets the ladies and when James gets the ladies then he tends to lead them in my direction. Probably why they never seem to work out much for me, since I don't get them myself. But it isn't like I have much of anyone knocking down my door to get to me. I have mentioned a few that have turned me down but trust me when I saw that there is a lot more than just those that I have mention. Like: Dawn and Natasha and Jess and Samantha just to name a few. I think that Ashley is on the fence but to tell you the truth I wasn't the interested in moving that forward more than just a friendship. Is that how all the other girls feel about me? Then how does James ... nevermind.

Anyways, the two women that recently told of their secret interest in me are:

Chantell and Marsha

Marsha isn't exactly my type. James tried to "tap" that but she turned him down the same reason Dawn did ... we both are black and they have had bad experience with black guys. But now she is separating from her husband and I guess is spreading out her options. She is currently fucking around with this Jordan guy but I am not worried about it. My head isn't in that one.

Chantell though is a different story. Kind of a hood rat but still ... idk ... I really don't remember much of her other than there was a great interest in her. She is pretty ... at least to me she is. And she has a mind of her own which is a great quality to have in a woman in my honest opinion. We ( actually me and her ) talked yesterday and we really connected. She confessed that she thought highly of me ( my own qualities ... not getting it confused with James' ) and I confessed my interest in her ( even though I think that she knows that she already knew from back then ). We talked about relationship guidelines ( yea not only am i that kinda guy but she is that kinda girl ) and all but we didn't declare anything. I rather have something like that said at least once so I am not thinking something that isn't.

I don't know though. James suggests that I spread my eggs in more than one basket but I do see the danger in that. It isn't like I am running a biological clock. I just hate being alone at the time. And yet I am not being completely up front about everything about me: like the jail thing and the MH disorders. Not exactly the best thing to put forward.

I don't know. Should I even be doing this?

Today I caught myself searching for Jasmine again. Looking and loving Xavier's pictures and hoping to see a glimpse of Jasmine that wasn't so ... extreme.

Jasmine

And then I was silly enough to try to look into the profiles of the biological mother and that upset me a little. A mixture of past unknown anger and ... guilt maybe? IDK. Stupid moves, really. I need ot leave things in the past. I should drop all these past people and disappear again.

I'll probably do that whenever I get enough money to run.

"Run you clever little boy, run!" - Clara Oswin Oswald - Doctor Who

The Difference Between Her and Me

So my dad,  Chuck,  told me that when Jasmine sent me to jail she immediately trIed to sell all my stuff.  Everything from my consoles and games to my car.  She even had a list of things to take which includes my bank cards and shit.

How can someone I tried to put everything into,  someone who I have sacrificed everything into,  try to destroy and take everything from me. She destroyed or marriage,  took my son,  and then she tried to take everything from me.

What is worse ... I've been searching for her online.  I know I shouldn't because of the PFA but I wasn't contracting her.  Just saying how she and Xavier are doing.

But what I saw broke my heart further.  She claimed that she was in a "life threatening marriage". A life threatening marriage?  I never hurt her.  I never raise a hand against her or my son.  Even when she told me she was doing AJ I was so mad that I hurt myself.

Yes! I tried to kill myself.  I took the only knife we owned and I proceeded to cut myself.  My wrists.  My chest.  My neck.  I wanted to die because the woman of my life, the woman who I chose over anyone else, the mother of my first child,  didn't just Fuck around but blatantly had no love or respect or anything for me.  I was worthless to the woman who I tried to give everything to. I felt worthless.  I felt worse than abandoned.  I felt ... like a was nothing.  At the time, that very instant, I felt that without her I couldn't be anyone.  I couldn't be a father some I must have failed horribly as a husband. 

Life wasn't worth living anymore because of what she did.

And she felt like she was in a life threatening marriage?! What in the world did I do to deserve to be treated do horrible.  To No longer be loved it respected.  To be destroyed and left with nothing.

And you want to know what the worst part is?  The most disgusting part of all of this?

If she came to me and apologized and said she wanted her family together again ... that she wanted me to come back ... I wouldn't skip a beat to come back to her.  I would welcome here back with open arms and a husband mentality.  Why?  Because I am a fool.  A stupid stupid fool I'm love ... because I love her.  I love her so so much still. 

I still look at her picture ( both the old ones on my Facebook and the ones I still have and the new ones online ) and the pieces of my broken heart swell and scream for her.  For her love and affection and her touch and get compassion.

Kay would say that I love the image I have of her but not the real her. Maybe she is right nut I don't know.

My biological mother said that she felt so sorry for what happened and that she still cared for me.  Chuck said that Jasmine called him first when it happened and the story explained to him by her was that of a man who broke and tried to end his life because she created on her husband for over a year.  Not I'm a nagging way but in an apologetic way. 

But there is a video ( a video I can't bring myself to see ) that said a different story.  That spoke of hatred and disgust in me and pride and what she did ... in everything she did.

Gawd I don't know what to feel.  I'm ... I don't know.  I want to die again.  I die a little inside when people tell me what she was doing.  So called friends knew but didn't tell me or maybe I was so blinded by my love for her not to see it or believe in what they were saying.  Jenn, AJ 's sister even told me that she was giving Jake too.  Fuck my heart ... I want s knife.  I want to cut out the pieces of my fucking heart so I don't feel this anymore.  I hate how this feels. I never want to feel this again!

And Jasmine doesn't skip a fucking beat.  She dates.  Sees other men.  Probably has Xavier call them dad!

Fuck Fuck Fuck i hate this so much.

The Prelude to the Return

Well I've been gone for a long time. Something very bad happened. My wife, Jasmine, told me that she has been sleeping with AJ for an ongoing year and that she was in love with him.

I honestly lost it. I attempted to kill myself. Took the only knife in the house and started slashing my arm, wrist, chest and neck. The police came and sent me to a psych ward and then to jail where I waited 10 months and 16 days to plea down to a 9 month sentence. Criminal system right?

Well I'm out now currently living with my adopted sister Lynn, her husband Josh and their bitch of a friend Bridget.

Starting over. Lost my apartment. Most of my stuff. My wife. My son. Even some so called friends. I gained 2 diagnosis: depression and PTSD. I'm trying to rebuild the life that I thought was perfect with less than I started off with.

This is my on going progress...

Important Questions

Jasmine’s Question:
“How do you feel and react when you found out you had conceived a baby?”

Honestly, Jasmine woke me up in the middle of the night all excited, exclaiming that the pregnancy test was positive. I was still waking up. I was weighting out whether I was still sleeping or have I woken up yet. I cannot say I was numb. I cannot say that I was excited or scared or disappointed. I think, at the moment, I accepted it and ran through the primary scenarios of where this will take me and smiled.

I guess it is still something that blows my mind. I know that there is a huge responsibility here and it isn’t one that can be declined. So since I found out, I’ve made sure that every move make is towards the family my consequences created. I know it might sound like I feel that I am stuck with a burden or an unwanted / undesired situation but … see it from this angle. ‘FATE RARLY CALLS UPON US AT A MOMENT OF OUR CHOOSING’ This is a pure example of that. Obviously a chain of events have lead me on this road that I wasn’t really aware I was on. But I know I am on it now and I preparing as I go on this adventure with Jasmine.

My Own Question:
“How do I feel about being a father?”

I suppose the more and more that it settles in my mind, I feel more and more terrified. Everyone tells me that I would make a great father but how often do other’s expectations of me fall through? More times than I like honestly. So I try and try and try to make myself not just a guy who seems like a good dad.

I don’t remember having an actual father or an actual family but I was raised by many people. I have seen the best and the worse of different families. There are fathers and mothers who people say that they are raising their kids and family right but under the roof and behind the doors are hells and torment. Family members who dislike themselves and each other. Who struggle with the ideal of what it means to be a family. To truly raise a family as a responsibility and not just another toy to play with or something to do.

I see mothers who let their kid disappear for hours on end. I see fathers who curse their mother, the world, their life, their own freakin kids in front of their own friend kids. I see fathers who would rather spend time with other people MORE SO THAN their own family. I see parents who only want babies but when their babies grow they no longer want them and they get pregnant again to take care of another baby. Trust me when I have seen the worse of people. The way that they say, “I love my children and I’ll do anything for them” but they don’t just fall short of their own expectations but they never really seem to try.

I hate those kind of people. With all my heart, I do.

So I do not want to be those kinda people. I want to be the person that will easily sacrifice myself for my family. To put myself in the best position to be helpful to my family. To put my own family before my self AND THAT INCLUDES MY OWN FEARS AND FAILURES!

I look at my own short comings and I try to destroy them for the sake of my family. I have to be the best I can be to be the best for my family so my family can in turn be the best they can be as well. But with that I have to be careful too. I don’t want to push too hard. Sometimes the best of intentions and create hell on earth. Luckily I have Jasmine to help me to keep calm and to relax at times ( something that I tend to have problems with doing lol ).

Alright, so I can see why people would say that I would make a great dad. But as the saying goes ‘WORDS, PROMISES AND GOOD WISHES DO NOT AMOUNT TO ACTION!’ I shouldn’t lax in my pursuit in being the best father and husband to my family. A lot of hard work is in store for me and in such a small period of time. No room for error now. Gotta give it my all!