Ghosts Won't Let Me Move On

So last night Tammy offered to let me come over since she actually got a car do I was like, "sure, why not?"

I could feel James smile from another room and Spencer ran in and beginning to rant that "there is no reason to even go to her place or spend time with her! There is no benefit and I'm sure that it'll cause more trouble than is deserved."

And he was completely right. I left anyways. Showered, packed and put lotion on and everything. We had to talk about the drama between us, which isn't really important to the grand scheme of things, but had to be resolved.

Getting there, we talked about Tyra and Dwayen ( hey boyfriend ) and what not. More or less, we talked about a lot of what normal friends talk about while driving. However, she convinced to me that people around her neighborhood were getting nosey and she was worried about Dwayne hearing the wrong things from the wrong person. I told her that Dwayne actually likes me and that I had no intention of doing anything.

We got into the kitchen and we started cleaning and putting things away since she was just dissing out community food before she came to pick me up. And somehow one thing lead to another. I honestly don't know what came over me, whether it was the loneliness or even if was her or me that made the first move but ... things started to happen. You know, the touching and exploring and removal of clothes and whatnot.

We head upstairs and we start going at it ... until I start seeing Jasmine instead of Tammy. I shook my head and tried to keep going. Ignoring it in hopes it would go away and it did ... until it started happening again. 

Tammy and Jasmine don't look anything alike. They have different body types, different voices and personalities ... different everything! Even a age difference!

I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

I turn on the lights and bend over the sink to start heaving. Whatever, this was I wanted it out of me. I didn't even want to have sex with Tammy but it was the idea that I wanted to move on. To move past Jasmine. To get over her. If I can't even get intimate with anyone else ...

Then I looked up and I saw AJ! I immediately punched him in the face ... to find out it was the mirror. I was see him in the mirror ... as me! Me!

Tammy came in and asked what happened. I  was too shaken to reply immediately but I told her that I feel into it not thinking.

As she tried to bandage me up, I thought about why I was hallucinating. Jasmine was easy enough. She is still in me. Haunting me about moving on from her. Cursing me for even trying to breaking the family my end ( even though I am sure she is breaking the family from her end ). 

But AJ? Why him? And why him as me?

Then I realized why. Because Tammy was seeing Dwayne and here I am, with a woman taken by another man. Yea, she is not happy or he is slacking but that doesn't give me the right or ... I don't want to be AJ. I don't want to be a homewrecker. That isn't me. Maybe James but not me and I have to stop James from doing that too! Hell, I hated Lynn because she allowed other men to come into her house and do that shit to her.

No! I had to stop this before it started. It has went too far as it. So i told her I was gonna sleep downstairs. That I wasn't feeling this. She was argumentative at first but I convinced her that this was wrong for both her and me. She threw Jasmine in my face and went to her room and locked it. Probably crying.

Gawd, I don't need this. I don't want this. Not really. But I'll get home tomorrow. Some things need changed.

As the anger grows

Lately, I've been extremely more angry. Angry at dad, Bobby, CJ ... Even Nakoma.

Saturday, Nakoma wanted to to watch scary movies with me and we had fun. Her running behind me during the scary parts and me being the big brother that I am too reassure her that there odd nothing to worry about.

After the movie, she was on her way downstairs when she saw a sticker she put on her months ago that said, "being drug free is the key to success". She started say that being drug free isn't really the key to success. I tried to explain to her that drugs confuse and distract you more so than one needs.

She started to argue that I was wrong.

Then I started to get upset because I know her ideals comes from dad. Dad himself doesn't do drugs now but her grew up in the age of sex, drugs and rock and roll. It kind of formed him into the person he is today. But he is kind if laxed on they idea of addicts and drugs, where as I have a stricter idea of drugs and what not.

It upset me that those ideals are being absorbed by Nakoma. Actually, it pissed me off.

But getting upset with her wasn't right. I was so upset that I stormed out, leaving her alone and not dissing to her the rest of the night.

The next day I felt horrible about being that crossed with her. I should have listened to what she had to say and worked with that. Not just label what I thought she was going to say as wrong but hear her out and give her my opinion.

That is the person I want to be. Ok want to be the good influence. To treat everyone I come across on a respectable adult level regardless of age or relation.

It is how I wanted to be after Michael found Mr, it is how I wanted to be when I was married to

Jasmine and how I want to treat my children.

I can't let this anger get the best of me. I have to ... calm down and deal with situations with assertiveness and not aggressiveness.

I need to be better ...