New Year Goals for 2016!

So the New Year is here and things need to get better. Seriously can't keep going on like this because it isn't productive. It isn't enough. Not for me and definitely not for U.S. They are just tolerating it at the moment but ... I can't fail them too. And honestly, they are far more important than whatever affairs I have going on so I have to start putting them higher on the priority ladder.

Also, I was talking to Vincent a few days ago before the New Year and I gave him a break down of what I have been doing and the previously, mentioned that I have to do more for me and even though I have started to get rid of people in my life that I felt were weeds ... I kept a few of them for nostalgia reasons.

That needs to stop. A lot of things need to stop ... and a few things need to start.

GOALS FOR 2016

• Delete Social Media "friends" that don't post, are connected to anyone who isn't for morally supporting me in my life. Trying to make my digital footprint more useful.

On my Facebook, there are a lot of people that I have on there that aren't really for me, even when they say they are. They have no real purpose other than I saw potential in them and yet they dropped the ball hardcore. I am not Michael. I am bad at seeing the good in people and having it pan out. It always turns out to be false. I would just shut down the whole Social Media thing but it isn't just for me but it is part of the "revised" NJS Project idea.

Spencer says that a public image needs to be established. Not only to try to reach more resources but also for the next version ( if there is going to be a next version ) to pick up from and watch and have a better idea on what he has behind him.

But then again, that is just if he picks up from where I leave. He might be assigned to do his own thing and leave my life alone to just disappear like so many other personas before me.

Regardless, I have to weed out people who depress me, disappoint me, let me down and are just worthless in my personal growth. That's first and foremost. 

• The Legacy Webisodes ( Preparing a Legend )

Do any of you guys remember seeing Iron Man 2? Tony Stark ( Iron Man ) did not have a good relationship with his father and Tony held on to that for a long time. When he was dealing with the events of Iron Man 2, he was watching old work videos of his father. While watching one of his father's work videos, his father took aside some time to talk to his "future" son. Telling him how much he meant to him and what he needed to do to succeed in life. Somewhere, within that video Tony gained a new found love for his father and the solution to the movie's problem.

I don't know what Xavier, my son, will face in the future but I do know I want to be there ... incase I am not there for him. Jasmine has him now and because of the PFA ( a form of a Restraining Order ) I can't be there for him for another 2 years!

The plan is that I want to leave lessons that I am learning for him. I don't want him to make the mistakes I have made. I want him to learn from what I have done to make himself better. So whenever I come up with an idea for a lesson or anything, I try to make a 3-5 minute video about it, in hopes that he'll see it and learn from it.

So far, I have made 4 to 5 videos about different things that I know about life. Maybe I might advance that to things about me. Me! Not U.S. Sounds kind of selfish but I have to prepare him somehow even if I am not there. Some of these things are kind of advance for him now but I am hoping that once he is older he will see the videos and see how much I loved and cared for him.

I am still debating if I want the others to be in it. Spencer, James, Michael, Danny, Tobias ... even other people in my life. Still working on just doing it ya know cuz I can't just pull it out and do it whenever. I have to find a quiet place or ( in the case where mom ... sue, was driving ) with people around me that won't distract and just watch and understand. 

• Remembrance ( a homage to those important in my life but aren't in it anymore )

Even though there are a lot of people that are ( currently ) linked digitally and personally to me that I need to get rid of there are a few that I do feel something for about no longer being in my life. Some of them are really close while other are just people I want to know that they lost a great change to be part of something more.

I suppose I just to let certain people know who they are to me. Because some people need to know that their actions have effects on other people. A lot of people tell me that other people don't matter and that what you do is just on you. But they are wrong. I have learned that no one person is an island. What every single person does effects another, whether they know it or not.

And whether good or bad, people have to know what they have done. And since it is my life, they have to know what they have done to me ... since I'll be getting rid of anyway for them to contact me at all.

I haven't started but I have plenty of plans on what to say to and to whom. That is a work in process.

• Obtain myself another Personal Vehicle

For those of you that don't know, around the time that Jasmine left, I purchased a family car. Not a car to look cool with or to impress anyone but I wanted a car more for Xavier. Something safe and practical. So I got a 2003 PT Cruiser ( it was cheaper than getting a Volvo or Subaru ).

However, whenever I went away, I let my sister use the car because she needed it ( even though it was under me and my mom ( Sue ) 's name ). Lynn made it seem like she need it far more than my mom did but I did tell them to share it if they both need it. Well, some sort of conflict arrised with it and mom just told Lynnanne to use it since she was being difficult. In the arguing, my insurance ( that grandad, Sue's dad had me on ) ran out.

Shortly after that, Josh slipped on some black ice and wrecked it. So coming back, I had no car ( even though Lynn said she would pay for me to get a new car ... even though she didn't have one herself ) and have been driving mom's car ( until Josh wrecked that too and now we are driving a car that dad's boss is giving to us on loan until we can purchase another one ).

Since moving in with mom and dad, I have been giving them a big chuck of my money to help with the rent and bills and such ( hell, I am living here after all ). But mom is working on a settlement that will bring in a lot of money come the end of January. However, there is a chance it won't come in and I am prepared mentally for that but if it does, they will repay all that money that I used for the rent/bills and with that, I am getting a new car for myself.

Matt, Brandi's fiance, has a Subaru that he wants to sell for 3400$ and I want it ( because it is a Subaru and I love Subarus ). However, Tammy told me that while she was hanging out with her sister Amy, Brandi and Matt, that Brandi and Matt where laughing at the fact that I was going to buy a fucked up car. Naturally, that would bar me from even talking to them but I do want that car. So let's be smart about it, I'll look around for another car but if I don't find one that I like, then I'll tell Matt that I'll take it but I am going to take it to a trusted mechanic ( this family that I am living with now knows a lot of mechanics ) to see what is wrong with it and what I need to spend to bring it up to code. If it is more than what the asking price is for it then I'll tell him that I'll take it off his hands for what the junk yard would take it for ( maybe a few hundred more to sweeten the pot ).

That will reduce the price considerably and with the left over money, I'll pay for the repairs and have my own 'Fast and Furious' rally car! I am looking forward to this. I expect to pay somewhere between 1000-1500$ for the car and then at the most another 1k for the repairs. That I am okay with.

• Obtain another Home Base

When I first got my place in Clearfield, I was working on making it a ... well, a Home Base. No one knew where I lived and I moved so much equipment into the place. What I could move without being too suspicious. Obtained TVs, monitors, hardware. I needed a personal Central Hub for information and data saving ... on a budget.

Then I got with Jasmine and my Head Quarters became a home. Changed everything. Packed away most of the equipment and put "family" stuff up. Pictures and got things family orientated furniture and such. Even got things for Xavier before he got born. And when my apartment wasn't enough, we moved across the hall to a bigger place.

And even though I had to get rid of the work, I still kept my apartment practical and ... well, it worked. But being in jail caused me to lose all that and Lynnann only really saved things that she figured she would eventually need herself. 93% of what I owned is gone. Never to be seen again. When the realization of how much history and stuff was actually gone ... I admit, I cried. Not just for me but for my brothers too. Their stuff was gone too. Letters and pictures and equipment and so, so much more.

And living with Lynnann after jail ... well, I wasn't content. James was because they didn't give a fuck where he went as long as it didn't follow him home but I wasn't. No matter what I did, it wasn't enough. And I wanted to constantly kill Bridget.

Living with Mom and Dad now isn't so bad. It is slightly better. And I do so much here that I keep myself busy but at the same time, I have no room, I have no where to actually keep my stuff so it is kind of shattered throughout the house in "hiding" spots.

I need my own safe haven. My own place. Damn, at the moment, I'll settle for my own room. Just something to call mine.

Mom and Dad want to buy the whole duplex when Mom gets her settlement. I will get a room in that one ( and maybe another one for Xavier when I get him back ) but would that really be enough. Mom and Dad want me close to them because they worry about a encore of my incident with Jasmine ( since I am still having flashbacks and whatnot ) so I have to prove that I can handle that and take hold of my life again.

I am not sure if I want to live with anyone else really but I think I might have to at first. And if I don't live with Mom and Dad, they would be okay if I live close enough for them to take action if something did happen. However, if U.S. feels that being a hindrance then we might ghost. I am hoping that things don't come to do that but that depends on how well I handle this year.

• Expand on my Second Chance Reviews page

I started this project of mine before I left at the end of Summer of 2014 and when I came back mid 2015, I have been trying really hard to keep up with it. A post by the end of the work week ( Friday ) so that people who get their paychecks on Fridays can see it and go to the store with a better idea on what to pick up.

I have been trying to get lesser named games and older games that are cheaper because that is what Second Chance Reviews ( SCR ) is all about. The poorer gamer who wants a heads up on a good or bad game or for games who got a bad wrap to get another swing!

So far, I have a Facebook Group and Facebook Page. I also have a Google Blogspot page and my friend, Shawn got me a website for SCR. I honestly didn't think I would have so many venues so quickly but feel lucky to have so much for something that I just started taking more seriously. I even have myself an Editor ( Katelyn ) and two writers so far ( JenM and ReneH ). I want 1-2 more writers so I can just worry about the actual upkeep of the website but for the moment I am also a writer and I have to admit that it is tough for me to keep up on posting every week and play a particular game for a week and write a review for it by Friday ( with everything else that I have to do around the house and for U.S. ).

The week before Christmas and Christmas itself and then New Years Day were void of actual posts. I haven't just been slacking but the holidays suck for actual free time.

Also, it doesn't help that dad keeps saying that it isn't important since it doesn't bring in any money but I am constantly surrounded by 'nah' sayers so I let that shit roll off me and keep doing me.

I was never in this for the money but I was in it for the love of gaming! It is part of who I am. 

( Actually, I would have more fun making webisodes on how to operate firearms since I am seriously more interested in that! But I am not allowed to even touch a firearm :'( )

This year, I want to at least force myself to post ( either through me or through writers I find ) 3-4x times a month. I also need to find a way to better manage the website. It is nice to have a website but if it doesn't look good then what's the point. I want to be able to purchase advertisement before mid-year. Facebook got avenues for that and since I know both Shawn and Dad, they would advertise for me on a discounted rate ( I hope ).

Next year, if I do well with this I'll start "First Impression". More on that Next Year!

• Indulge into the Gaming Scene

I enjoy playing video games. I do take care of things. I help cook, clean and work ( ask people who know me )! I take care of what I need to take care of and when I got myself some well desired free time, I juggle everything else ( social media, friends, video games ... trust me that is a lot to juggle ).

Well, lately, I have been trying to join a few  FB groups involving gaming and whatnot. I got myself a Twitch Account in hopes to start my own Twitch channel come the turn of the year ( that plan feel behind a little. still waiting on parts ). Lynn won't return the XBox I bought or the games I owned and I found a few that my brothers "borrowed" while I was away ( not knowing what else is floating around in this house ).

I have tried to focus on my Second Chance Reviews websites/pages/blogs but it is a lot for one person. I am trying to befriend and recruit as much as I can but ... well, money is the great motivator that I do not have lol But I am hoping that some people who play video games and who know how to write a little are willing to give their options on some underdogs of games! :D

The community is out there. I just have to convince them to do something they already love and try something new. So far I have two writers ( JenM and ReneH ) and editor ( Katelyn ).

KayM - Editor

ReneH - Writer

JennM - Writer

It is growing but I want more!

I want an active Twitch Account that I broadcast on regularly ( once a week ... twice tops! ) and it will be more up to date games than my SCR site. I would like to get a new XBox 360 that's mine ( since my sister Lynn won't give back the one I paid her for, cause she has amnesia about me paying her for it ) and trying to share 2 in a household of 7 with 3 TV is hard ( trust me it is ). If I have the money, I'll buy a Xbox One but I don't know if its sharing protocol allows for inbox window to see me while I play ... or if I have to buy a computer to even do that.

I also want to build a Gaming PC. Danny ( my computer tech in T.O.W. ) says that it would take a little under 400$ to get a good one. There a few games I want to have on my Twitch Broadcasting account. Mainly Elder Scrolls Online, Diablo, StarBound and this GunZ 2 game! Good stuff, I'll say.

But before all of that, I have to update my computer. Graphics Card and maybe a new processor. I got the hardware so I am about half way there, no? Once again, Mom and Dad says they'll pay for that too.

If not then I'll have to re-evaluate my family contributions.

• Stop Putting Anyone ( Women ) Over Me

I don't know where I went wrong with Jasmine but Vincent says that my problem with her ( and probably every woman in my life ) is that I put them before me. I explain to him that women I do that to, I love to that level to care about them before me. Then he says, "And they know it and they use that shit as a stepping stone. Once they realize you are starting to not support their damn weight they will find another stone. Don't be that stone." ( paraphrased from Vincent )

I have to admit that since I have been back, I have been through a lot of heartache. Some of them James set up "dates" for me and other times, I find interest in people. Let's go down the list and write what went wrong.

Lacey - "my racist dad wouldn't understand" - her words

Brandi - taken ... sadly

Ebu - I decided to friendzone

Shiane - strung me along for months

( photo not available )

Bre - taken

Chantell - disappeared

Marsha - nutcase

Stephanie - too stuck in her old ways to change

Samantha - complete diss

Denise - "not black enough"

Ashley - old love who became too slutty to tolerate

Melissa - over-complicating and weird

Frosty - friendzoned me

Jeanie - she was too tired to bother

Kayla - FwB ex-gf who moved on ... multiple times

Amanda - uninterested

Mandy - semi-mutual friendzoned

Jeska - BDSM who lost interest and became unreliable

Krystal ( KiK ) - major mood swings ... potential catfish

Jennay - disappeared

April - not "black" enough

Karla - career focused

Right now, I am trying to make things work with Candi but I am feeling that once again, I am making all the effort. I think I am going to give her one more month and then drop her and call it quits if things don't approve ... across the board. No dating. No talking. No trying to impress. Nope. Done. Finish. Fin! Completely too old, too tired and too heartbroken to keep trying
like this to just keep falling. Yeah, I could switch up tactics but honestly, this is a young guy's game and I am way behind and got way more important things to do.

Sorry ladies, I am officially done bothering to try anymore. The only thing I got on me is my son now. And speaking of which ...

• Get Xavier Back

Honestly, before I went to jail, Jasmine would not have had a snowball chance in hell of getting Xavier in a custody battle. At the time, I was way more stable. My name was on everything since I actually paid for everything ( if not the majority of everything ). I owned the apartment and the things inside of it ( expect for her closest of stuff she owned ). I owned a car and I had a steady flow of money that came in a went directly into bills. The teachers would come in to help prep Xavier for school and it was me who was with him and them and it was me who worked with him after they left and kept the records and recorded everything and ... EVERYTHING! I did everything and I regretted nothing. He was my son, the product of love ( I thought ) and I wanted the world for him.

Then when Jasmine told me ... what she told me ... I felt that I failed everyone. That I was a joke to everyone. The most important person to me next to my son didn't just betray me but has been. She has been playing me for a fool and ... what she did was more than cheat on me, she killed my soul. The inner me that believed and hoped and dreamt that a messed up person like me can have a happy ending - that is what she killed. And I couldn't handle that. I've been shot and stabbed and beaten and even tortured. But that, that hurt way more than anything because that killed who I was.

And I attempted to make the pain stop.

And from that, they arrested me and she tried to take as much from me as possible. The most precious thing was my son. And since coming back ... well, I can't say that I have been doing everything as I can because I know that I have to figure out what I want to return to him as. I can't return to him as the destroyed man that his mother left behind. I can't be the monster I was before, either. And I can't be ... I need to be better.

I need the following:
- self-sustaining money flow
- suitable and comfortable living environment ( to my own standards along with the government )

- my own form of transportation
- my anger and other emotions under control
- better support system ( for him, not for me )
- to be on track with what U.S. needs/wants

Not exactly a tall order but still none of those things are an over night task. I got the SSI back but it isn't fixed. I have to refund the money that Lynn took while I was in jail so I lose a little under 200$ from each check to pay it back. The difficulties with that whole situation lies here if you want to read more on that.

And depending how this duplex idea pans out determines if I stay here or look elsewhere for what I need when it comes to Xavier and I. I love my family here ( believe it or not ) but it is kind of crazy here. Regardless of each of their immature personalities, 7 people is a lot to deal with ( without adding the whole U.S. situation ). And then there are the 3 days that I don't care for but I have to help take care of ( the owners of the dogs barely take care of them but they throw fits about us giving them away ).

I am hoping that I can control a little more of what happens on the other side of the house when the whole duplex is purchased but if I can't handle it or I don't feel that we all are on the same page, I will go elsewhere to try to make it happen. I am not looking to move anyone in if I get to have him over at my place. Like I am not looking for another person to help me with him. I needed Jasmine for that and I relied on her so much ( for mental/moral support ) that when she left, it broke down completely. I have to be able to grow beyond that while I am here in T.O.W. I can't let what happen before or anything like that breakdown happen again. I can't lose my son. I can't lose the Legacy.

Now, the reason I am working on weeding out the worthless people isn't just because for me but I have to surround myself with a better caliber of people for him. Who I hang out with, he will be exposed to so I have to work on that a lot better.

I wasn't that angry as a person before on the outside. I held it in for Xavier ... for Jasmine. I held everyone of my brothers back as long as I could. I swear I did but ... one vs six doesn't work. So rather than doing the same thing as before, I have to learn new skills. I have to learn to manage them. To handle them. To make sure that I deserve the title of Primary.

And I have to stand on my own. I can not stress that enough. There is only so much I can stand other people supporting me. Especially, family, as strange as that seems. I am too old to still be home. Visit for a little while but I am starting to feel that it is time that I make a move for advancement here.

I have to be more than me for Xavier. Because I gave him my word ...

But that is the goals for 2016 for now. I am hoping that I keep that very much on track for a whole year. And this entry has extended long enough so ... hopefully more on progress very soon.

Ghosts Won't Let Me Move On

So last night Tammy offered to let me come over since she actually got a car do I was like, "sure, why not?"

I could feel James smile from another room and Spencer ran in and beginning to rant that "there is no reason to even go to her place or spend time with her! There is no benefit and I'm sure that it'll cause more trouble than is deserved."

And he was completely right. I left anyways. Showered, packed and put lotion on and everything. We had to talk about the drama between us, which isn't really important to the grand scheme of things, but had to be resolved.

Getting there, we talked about Tyra and Dwayen ( hey boyfriend ) and what not. More or less, we talked about a lot of what normal friends talk about while driving. However, she convinced to me that people around her neighborhood were getting nosey and she was worried about Dwayne hearing the wrong things from the wrong person. I told her that Dwayne actually likes me and that I had no intention of doing anything.

We got into the kitchen and we started cleaning and putting things away since she was just dissing out community food before she came to pick me up. And somehow one thing lead to another. I honestly don't know what came over me, whether it was the loneliness or even if was her or me that made the first move but ... things started to happen. You know, the touching and exploring and removal of clothes and whatnot.

We head upstairs and we start going at it ... until I start seeing Jasmine instead of Tammy. I shook my head and tried to keep going. Ignoring it in hopes it would go away and it did ... until it started happening again. 

Tammy and Jasmine don't look anything alike. They have different body types, different voices and personalities ... different everything! Even a age difference!

I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

I turn on the lights and bend over the sink to start heaving. Whatever, this was I wanted it out of me. I didn't even want to have sex with Tammy but it was the idea that I wanted to move on. To move past Jasmine. To get over her. If I can't even get intimate with anyone else ...

Then I looked up and I saw AJ! I immediately punched him in the face ... to find out it was the mirror. I was see him in the mirror ... as me! Me!

Tammy came in and asked what happened. I  was too shaken to reply immediately but I told her that I feel into it not thinking.

As she tried to bandage me up, I thought about why I was hallucinating. Jasmine was easy enough. She is still in me. Haunting me about moving on from her. Cursing me for even trying to breaking the family my end ( even though I am sure she is breaking the family from her end ). 

But AJ? Why him? And why him as me?

Then I realized why. Because Tammy was seeing Dwayne and here I am, with a woman taken by another man. Yea, she is not happy or he is slacking but that doesn't give me the right or ... I don't want to be AJ. I don't want to be a homewrecker. That isn't me. Maybe James but not me and I have to stop James from doing that too! Hell, I hated Lynn because she allowed other men to come into her house and do that shit to her.

No! I had to stop this before it started. It has went too far as it. So i told her I was gonna sleep downstairs. That I wasn't feeling this. She was argumentative at first but I convinced her that this was wrong for both her and me. She threw Jasmine in my face and went to her room and locked it. Probably crying.

Gawd, I don't need this. I don't want this. Not really. But I'll get home tomorrow. Some things need changed.

She makes ME sick!

So my brother Bobby has asked about my dick size before, James' too. I tend to ignore the question and stop James from dropping hiss pants in front of everyone.

Bobby says that Brittany ( an ex friend to me and FwB to James ) and Lynn says we got a white boy dick. I shrug it off. I really don't give two flying fucks on hearsay of what two girls with hallway vaginas have to say. Besides, James says they kept coming back so that tells me that it obviously was not that bad.

But yesterday, Bobby claimed that we had white boy dick. I'm like, are you going to go off what a two tramps who no longer talk or like either me or James anymore? They could be lying for all he knows.

He said that Lynn, my sister had dick pictures to price it. I look to James, obviously pissed, and he gave me his silent "opps" shrug. Then Bobby said that Lynn said that I had sex with her and had sex with her husband Josh. I brushed it off but they look on his face was completely serious.

I started to feel sick. Just the thought of me having sex with her is sickening. Even if she isn't my actual sister, she is a horrible person inside and a disgusting person on the outside. My stomach turned and I wanted to vomit.

But once again, I look to James and he gives me his "opps" shrug and I instantly wanted to snag his head in. Dad came in and Bobby repeated what he said and he looked at me and said "you defiantly didn't do any of that Nick but I completely believe James did."

I swear I need to put a fucking chastity belt on James. Even if it isn't true. It is the idea that I'm guilty by association.

And now, days later, I feel sick to my stomach still. I need to get him tested ASAP. And I need stomach medication to settle the symptoms of this revelation.

I wish I didn't need James. That I could have a conversion without getting angry or so straightforward that it turns people off.

I need to get better socially myself. Then maybe I can move on from James because he is staying to rally damage my image here.

Difference in Family Ties

So, not sure if I made any posts about me living with my sister Lynnanne and her kicking me out, keeping my games and console, losing over 85% of my possessions, taking over 2 800$ from me ( and asking for 700$ when she kicked me out ) and allowing my little sister ( who was right at the time ) to smoke weed. Yea, she's a piece of work, right?

Well, I've been trying to find a way to get my money or the stuff she still has back. I've talked to my card company but they are kind of dragging their feet on the whole thing while still and they cops are virtually useless. They told me to call a layer while the lawyer told me to contact yet police. Yea, useful.

I talked to my Life Manager ( Nikki from Service Access Management ) and she suggested that I try the State Police with evidence at my disposal. So, I've collected bank statements from my card company of transactions made while I was in jail and transactions made while I was living with her (

I owed her 500$ in rent which she never paid to the landlord, hence why we had to move, and she took the remaining two hundred and spent it ). Granted she bought me a few packs of cigarettes but still not justifiable for her to take my whole amount for whatever she sent it.

Well I keep notes of my actions fir everything progressive and deals with rebuilding my life. I left the notebook in the living room and I came back my dad was where I was so I'm sure he read what I wrote. He started talking to me, asking if this is what I'm trying to do.

I told him I'm exploring every option before actually taking actions but it seems like a very likely plausibility since other avenues aren't working. Then dad started to say that it would be a waste of time to pursue that avenue because:

 1) I'm a black guy in a white county. Unfair, sad truth but a truth none the less
2) The actual of time and energy required for something that would not work anyways would simply be a waste of time
3) That will piss Lynnanne off to the point to where she could destroy the remainder of my stuff or sell them meaning I won't receive anything ( or take other forms of retaliation ).
4) Even if I succeed in pursuing charges and and the courts sends her to jail and makes her pay back the money, you'll have to wait until after she is released from jail and when she is released she'll have to get a crappy job and pay like 15 - 30$ a month so it would take forever for her to actually pay back what she took.

While saying all of this, he reminds me that he doesn't care what happens to her but he doesn't want me to waste my time if my goal is revenge in any way.

He kept asking me, "Why are you doing this?" "Why do you want to do this?"

Many Andes ran through my head but Spencer was acid from me, saying that he'll shoot down my opinion because of his "superiority complex" ( Spencer's words ). So I thought hard and hard and I honestly couldn't think of an uber smart answer for dad's question.

Of course I want Lynn to pay for what she did, not only did to me but to everyone she mistreated. But dad explained that she won't learn anything. She is so stubborn that she wouldn't feel remorse or anything while she's in jail and she will do her damnest to make any form of retribution a struggle and annoyance for me. And that is just her own obstacle! There is the whole correctional system being as flawed and broken as it is. Makes it seem like no matter what I would want it wouldn't pan out.

But when I came to my own private conclusion, I heard MAD chuckle in the other room. Obviously, he approved of my conclusion.

I just want to do it simply because I want to do it. I dint care whether she learns a lesson. I'm no teacher and I have no love to teach her a damn thing. And as important as the money should be, I'm slightly indifferent ( a little more if a struggle for my actual things but I've lost things before. Hell, U.S. still gives me shit for losing the treasure chest ).

No, I want to do this because honestly I don't want myself or U.S. seen as easily pushed over. We've let this happened repeatively for far too long. I've let this happen for far too long. I'm an tired of being used. Tired of letting bad people do bad things. In the DRT I didn't let shit like this slide then. I shouldn't let shit like this happen now.

The Monster Within

I have been ... getting angry lately. More angry than I should. I get angry at my Dad for his opinions that he claims to be absolute truths and my brother Bobby for being a waste of great potential and CJ for not appreciating the great people in his life and not ignoring the worthless ones and for Tyler for .... I don't know ... for the fact that he is going through a KISS stage of his teenage years and Tink for being a brat and Mom for putting up with so much.

And most of all, I am so angry at myself for dealing with so much of this shit. For not trying to beat up Bobby and CJ for superiority. For not using Spencer's help to out think dad with his ( so called ) logic. For seeing the same thing that I see in every family that i have ever been in really? I think ultimately, people just disappointment me.

Do I have high expectations? Or do people that take me in just take advantage of me and the things that I have?

Who would do that? I do not remember if I have mentioned it but Lynnanne was with me during the 10 months that I was in jail. She visited, paid to have money on my books, told me she took care of my affairs being the old apartment and bills and such. She made me believe that she cared and that she did a lot of me. It turned out that all she really wanted was Xavier and my money. She took 1400$ from me while i was in jail, wrecked my car and took all my money while I was living with her when I got out of jail. I saw her fucked up collection of unwanted people that she collected and used. Her brother Bobby, his girlfriend Shiane, the bitch Bridget and her husband Josh. She took from everyone. She used everyone and abused the love they all had for her. Never kept to any of her promises. Everything she said she did or was going to do was a lie. It was all horrible. She is horrible.

People are horrible,

But she wasn't the only one who is starting to make me question the people who claimed to love me. Obviously the leader of that list is Jasmine. My sweet, sweet wife that cheated on me with her best friend that I left her go out with constantly, Arthur ( AJ ) Shorter. The man that ruined my life. He knew and he took advantage and ... I trusted him and I trusted her and I trusted everyone. I trusted the people who didn't tell me but knew. So many people knew and the people that knew and told me, even though I didn't believe them at the time, I hold them dear to my heart and soul. But those that knew and kept it to themselves. Never bothered to tell me that my wife was sleeping with another man for half of our marriage, they can burn in hell.

And the people directly responsible ...

I am angry. I am so angry at everything that it kills me. I don't want to be angry but I enjoy being angry. It feels better than feeling the pain of the stupid and the hateful and manipulative. I don't think I hate ... not yet. I am just angry ... and I have a feeling that one day ... one day soon ...that anger will turn into action. Maybe in me punching a wall ... or a tree ... nothing extreme, right? Baby steps,

How do I fix this? How do I deal with this constant anger and disappointment and frustration? How do I deal with this ... and live with it?

....

Parents get frustrated with their children when they don't act like perfect angels. Some run. Others work on the problem the best they can. they aren't perfect but they knew that things get better. Some relatives with other relatives do the same thing. Okay, let's step away from family since that whole "nothing is thicker than blood kind of thing". Would you want to see your best friend drown knowing you could save them.

I am angry ... I am angry because I have seen a lot of people come and go. I have lost a lot of friends and let too many enemies go on the principles of what Michael believes in. I wasn't raised like that. I was raised to not have friends to lose and to take no prisoners. But here I am, two time doped ( Jasmine and Lynn ), listening to a super conservative man talk about his borderline racists and sexists and nationalist bigotry views, feeling inferring to CJ and Bobby because I do not want to hurt them ... or worse because I remember how I was like, pissed that my mom is on the verge of losing her newly gained marriage, and ... I just feel so out of place. I feel like I don't belong with this idea of normal.

In my mind, a growing idea that keeps getting bigger with age ..., I will always be a monster. And secretly everyone knows it. So I gotta suck it up and just ... be okay being the monster.

Lesser of two EVILS

I'm kinda sick between a rock and a hard place. I've been meaning to move outta Lynn's for a while. I want to trust her husband Josh that sometimes acts like my friend but goes to her with everything I say in "guy confidence". And Bridget is a complete and utter bitch! She is gonna be the reason I go back to jail. And Lynn...oh my gawd, Lynn is a different issue all together.

All together, being with Lynn and crew isn't doing me any better mentally. That and I really don't have much money to myself because Lynn tells me that I owe her like "so much money". If I don't get out soon then I'm stuck for a long while.

And then there is my second option which is with Lynn's father and my adopted dad Chuck. He couldn't duo much for me while I was I jail because He wasn't allowed by the warden but he's always been available when I called on him. Whenever him or his now wife Sue and their kids heard my cry they came to help every time. However they are in the hole too because of some unforeseen situations and they'll ask for money too but as long as it isn't Sue directly asking I'll be able too say bio for the most part.

But something negative, personal and private happened between these two factors of my life and things got intense. The situation deflated a bit but there is still tension. One side does not want to see the other and I'm I the middle and I hate it! Lynn its making me choose either Team Lynn or Team Chuck and it kills me.

What's worse? Tomorrow is the Theory of a Deadman concert is tomorrow and I already planned a date for it with Natasha. Nothing serious just friends. My eyes are still on SunShine. But Natasha seems to love Theory so I might as well bring her right.

But my ride was Chuck and if I can't talk to him then I can't get him to pick us up for the concert. And fuck if Bridget is gonna let me use her car after me still sitting on the fence between this Lynn vs Chuck thing.

Grrr Bullshit! Utter Bullshit!

The Prelude to the Return

Well I've been gone for a long time. Something very bad happened. My wife, Jasmine, told me that she has been sleeping with AJ for an ongoing year and that she was in love with him.

I honestly lost it. I attempted to kill myself. Took the only knife in the house and started slashing my arm, wrist, chest and neck. The police came and sent me to a psych ward and then to jail where I waited 10 months and 16 days to plea down to a 9 month sentence. Criminal system right?

Well I'm out now currently living with my adopted sister Lynn, her husband Josh and their bitch of a friend Bridget.

Starting over. Lost my apartment. Most of my stuff. My wife. My son. Even some so called friends. I gained 2 diagnosis: depression and PTSD. I'm trying to rebuild the life that I thought was perfect with less than I started off with.

This is my on going progress...