The Beginning of Change

So, I have been thinking of moving out of here. Not because I don't love this family but because in a few months ... well, there is a lot of reasons.

Spencer doesn't feel that the move to this family was a wise move but he understood that it was an needed opportunity at a time where we needed it. However, he began to realize that a lot of things were the same as living with Lynnanne.

When offered living with Lynnanne, she said that she would help arrange my finances since I wasn't able to when I left jail. They had me on meds while in jail and I suddently left jail and they did not give me any direction or idea on how to get more meds.

The main help she did was to activate my SSI and then request rent money. After a month or two, we moved into a hotel, and it didn't click that she never paid rent with my money or even paid any of my fines that she said she would take care of while I wasn't able to do it myself. And when the concert incident with Lynnanne happened and she kicked me out and Dad and Mom took me in because I wasn't able function right alone.

Over the months of living with Mom and Dad, I have gotten better on my own. I started seeing a personal therapist ( Annette Shutters ) and I started improving my own strength and usefulness. I have gotten some of my basic functioning back and regained brain abilities that I lost since being off my T.O.W. medications. This family has tried to help in their own way but honestly, they do not understand or possiblity truly comprehend what me and my brothers go through.

When I went back to jail when we realized that Lynn never paid any of my fines with my money, Mom and Dad were not able to do much and the BioMom ended up putting the money up to pay up my PFA to get me out of jail. I haven't made a fine payment yet because ... well, Mom and Dad needed help with their own finances.

Spencer does not condone me wanting to help this family, especially to the extent to what I have done. But I feel that ... I don't know. Maybe, it is past guilt trying to make up for fucking up other families that I have previously been  a part of. Also, I do a lot of work to keep my cool and anger more in check. Work to the point of exhaustion and I don't have to energy to have an outburst. It works but when it doesn't, I disappear for a while. I don't want to return to the correctional system nor do I want to jepordize these T.O.W. people's lives. I sincerely care about each of the members of this household. They have accommodated me and my brothers ... at least it seems that they do.

Spencer, however, is not so ... attached. Since the conversation with Mom about the money,  Spencer has made it a point to push an efficient Exit Strategy Order ( ESO ) with the committee to create a sanctuary of our own.

He states that the work that I put into the workings of this currently household ( choirs set up for a household that usually turns to be done by me, aide with Dad's own work on site which I 'sugar-coat' by calling an internship at Magnum and personal chauffeuring for the family ) goes above and beyond, especially when I also give them 85% of the SSI funds for their financial difficulties. He feels that they are using me for labor that I am paying them for.

He has also pointed out time and time again, when Dad has said that he would do things that he doesn't come through.

Michael wanted games during Black Friday so I gave Dad the money to put into his account so I could purchase the games for Michael and he forgot to put the money into his account ... so he kept the money, he keeps pushing Spencer whenever he tries to work on the HUB or any other personal project of his, I sometimes am concerned about how James' interaction with Mom ... and other women that CJ brings home and he talks to and how that would be preserved. And Tobias is starting to get more attached to T.O.W. people which isn't something that has turned out well ... and other things.

Spencer also seems very upset about how none of his projects have been completed because more funds, resources and time have been put into this family instead of U.S. which is ridiculous but I can see how it can be seen as that. I care about these people ... but my loyal HAS to be with U.S.

Luckily, during this same period, I have been talking to Jenn D ( whom we will be calling Harley from now on ). She has reintroduced herself into my life. And I am setting up a proposal that it would be a better situation to start something with her. She has her own finances which she seems to be able to handle. And she seems to want to deal with me ( she is also aware of U.S. so that is a good point ).

However, this is just the planning stages. I still have to figure out how she can still work if she is to move and how we are to get around considering that she still has a son about Xavier's age, so that could be a decently good idea when Xavier is reintroduced into my life.

I made a date ( the one year anniversary month of when I was released from jail ) being June 1st that I want to be out by. Giving me to gain personal assests and giving me time to set up the family here to be okay without me. Time to easy them off me rather than just up-n-leaving.

Obviously, that has been met with a lot of conflict with Mom and Dad. They don't think that I am ready to leave and ... well, I just know that I have to do this. If not for me then for U.S.

More on this later. I am sure.

Ghosts Won't Let Me Move On

So last night Tammy offered to let me come over since she actually got a car do I was like, "sure, why not?"

I could feel James smile from another room and Spencer ran in and beginning to rant that "there is no reason to even go to her place or spend time with her! There is no benefit and I'm sure that it'll cause more trouble than is deserved."

And he was completely right. I left anyways. Showered, packed and put lotion on and everything. We had to talk about the drama between us, which isn't really important to the grand scheme of things, but had to be resolved.

Getting there, we talked about Tyra and Dwayen ( hey boyfriend ) and what not. More or less, we talked about a lot of what normal friends talk about while driving. However, she convinced to me that people around her neighborhood were getting nosey and she was worried about Dwayne hearing the wrong things from the wrong person. I told her that Dwayne actually likes me and that I had no intention of doing anything.

We got into the kitchen and we started cleaning and putting things away since she was just dissing out community food before she came to pick me up. And somehow one thing lead to another. I honestly don't know what came over me, whether it was the loneliness or even if was her or me that made the first move but ... things started to happen. You know, the touching and exploring and removal of clothes and whatnot.

We head upstairs and we start going at it ... until I start seeing Jasmine instead of Tammy. I shook my head and tried to keep going. Ignoring it in hopes it would go away and it did ... until it started happening again. 

Tammy and Jasmine don't look anything alike. They have different body types, different voices and personalities ... different everything! Even a age difference!

I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

I turn on the lights and bend over the sink to start heaving. Whatever, this was I wanted it out of me. I didn't even want to have sex with Tammy but it was the idea that I wanted to move on. To move past Jasmine. To get over her. If I can't even get intimate with anyone else ...

Then I looked up and I saw AJ! I immediately punched him in the face ... to find out it was the mirror. I was see him in the mirror ... as me! Me!

Tammy came in and asked what happened. I  was too shaken to reply immediately but I told her that I feel into it not thinking.

As she tried to bandage me up, I thought about why I was hallucinating. Jasmine was easy enough. She is still in me. Haunting me about moving on from her. Cursing me for even trying to breaking the family my end ( even though I am sure she is breaking the family from her end ). 

But AJ? Why him? And why him as me?

Then I realized why. Because Tammy was seeing Dwayne and here I am, with a woman taken by another man. Yea, she is not happy or he is slacking but that doesn't give me the right or ... I don't want to be AJ. I don't want to be a homewrecker. That isn't me. Maybe James but not me and I have to stop James from doing that too! Hell, I hated Lynn because she allowed other men to come into her house and do that shit to her.

No! I had to stop this before it started. It has went too far as it. So i told her I was gonna sleep downstairs. That I wasn't feeling this. She was argumentative at first but I convinced her that this was wrong for both her and me. She threw Jasmine in my face and went to her room and locked it. Probably crying.

Gawd, I don't need this. I don't want this. Not really. But I'll get home tomorrow. Some things need changed.

December Budgeting at Better Me Committee Meeting

So on the first, my case worker came over to where I work to have a meeting with me, mom and dad since that was where we all were. I was running late though because about an hour prior to the meeting I had to take Josh to work and I thought I had enough time to run him to with and come back.

When I came back to work, I had fifteen minutes left available for the meeting so I decided to talk about the main thing that I wanted to talk about, which was the December Budget. The December Budget that mom and me developed with the main source of income. 

To say the least I was proud of myself ... oh, and mom too.

Me and mom have been working on it for about a week or two and I felt it was kind of solid enough to present to dad as a goal for the month.

The meeting started off week enough but then dad started pointing out obvious holes in the plan. That the budget must have had unforeseen expenses and that unlike all the money the rest of the family makes, dad's money ( the biggest contribution ) was unknown and sporadic. We could estimate how much he'd get but not when he'll get it. 

That makes posing actual bills more difficult because even when based on everyone else's income we can pay all the bills and have plenty left over, the time the bills are due and reported that becomes irrelevant.

Then there is the idea that actual money is spent on food do that we can make it until assistance comes. And then there is the random, unknowable stuff like last month we had to buy spark plugs and the nee rotor. And then there I'd the cigarettes/snuff and random work meals.

However mom and me already considered much ( not all ) of these and we knew that showing dad the spreadsheet would require his own input.

He turned the spreadsheet inside out and in traverse but he couldn't figure out house we got our numbers because according to the spreadsheet we should have extra money at the end of the month but each month ... well we don't.

Nikki suggested that we make an actual account of what goes in and out of the household financially..

Walking Nikki to her car I spoke to her about dad's resistance to the work that we've done. Also, informed her that dad already pulled out three hundred dollars in cash from an account. I'm sure it went towards something that was needed or why else. I was already aware that under half of it went to food for the family.

I think we ( mainly mom and myself ) have to keep track of where they money goes and what not.  My thoughts are my own but I think mom suspects that dad is up to something.

Spencer suggested that U.S. have an exit strategy because this it's looking very simular to the Lynnanne situation. I'm going he's wrong ... but there is no harm in planning.

Difference in Family Ties

So, not sure if I made any posts about me living with my sister Lynnanne and her kicking me out, keeping my games and console, losing over 85% of my possessions, taking over 2 800$ from me ( and asking for 700$ when she kicked me out ) and allowing my little sister ( who was right at the time ) to smoke weed. Yea, she's a piece of work, right?

Well, I've been trying to find a way to get my money or the stuff she still has back. I've talked to my card company but they are kind of dragging their feet on the whole thing while still and they cops are virtually useless. They told me to call a layer while the lawyer told me to contact yet police. Yea, useful.

I talked to my Life Manager ( Nikki from Service Access Management ) and she suggested that I try the State Police with evidence at my disposal. So, I've collected bank statements from my card company of transactions made while I was in jail and transactions made while I was living with her (

I owed her 500$ in rent which she never paid to the landlord, hence why we had to move, and she took the remaining two hundred and spent it ). Granted she bought me a few packs of cigarettes but still not justifiable for her to take my whole amount for whatever she sent it.

Well I keep notes of my actions fir everything progressive and deals with rebuilding my life. I left the notebook in the living room and I came back my dad was where I was so I'm sure he read what I wrote. He started talking to me, asking if this is what I'm trying to do.

I told him I'm exploring every option before actually taking actions but it seems like a very likely plausibility since other avenues aren't working. Then dad started to say that it would be a waste of time to pursue that avenue because:

 1) I'm a black guy in a white county. Unfair, sad truth but a truth none the less
2) The actual of time and energy required for something that would not work anyways would simply be a waste of time
3) That will piss Lynnanne off to the point to where she could destroy the remainder of my stuff or sell them meaning I won't receive anything ( or take other forms of retaliation ).
4) Even if I succeed in pursuing charges and and the courts sends her to jail and makes her pay back the money, you'll have to wait until after she is released from jail and when she is released she'll have to get a crappy job and pay like 15 - 30$ a month so it would take forever for her to actually pay back what she took.

While saying all of this, he reminds me that he doesn't care what happens to her but he doesn't want me to waste my time if my goal is revenge in any way.

He kept asking me, "Why are you doing this?" "Why do you want to do this?"

Many Andes ran through my head but Spencer was acid from me, saying that he'll shoot down my opinion because of his "superiority complex" ( Spencer's words ). So I thought hard and hard and I honestly couldn't think of an uber smart answer for dad's question.

Of course I want Lynn to pay for what she did, not only did to me but to everyone she mistreated. But dad explained that she won't learn anything. She is so stubborn that she wouldn't feel remorse or anything while she's in jail and she will do her damnest to make any form of retribution a struggle and annoyance for me. And that is just her own obstacle! There is the whole correctional system being as flawed and broken as it is. Makes it seem like no matter what I would want it wouldn't pan out.

But when I came to my own private conclusion, I heard MAD chuckle in the other room. Obviously, he approved of my conclusion.

I just want to do it simply because I want to do it. I dint care whether she learns a lesson. I'm no teacher and I have no love to teach her a damn thing. And as important as the money should be, I'm slightly indifferent ( a little more if a struggle for my actual things but I've lost things before. Hell, U.S. still gives me shit for losing the treasure chest ).

No, I want to do this because honestly I don't want myself or U.S. seen as easily pushed over. We've let this happened repeatively for far too long. I've let this happen for far too long. I'm an tired of being used. Tired of letting bad people do bad things. In the DRT I didn't let shit like this slide then. I shouldn't let shit like this happen now.

Getting Out of Jail ... Again

It has been a while since I last updated and I have a lot to update.

Well, first off all, Monday, September 14th, I got arrested sometime in the afternoon. It turns out that while I was paying Lynnanne during the 2-3 months I was living with her, not only was she not paying the rent but she was not paying my fines either.

Why was she paying for everything for me? Well, I am on medication ( I have been since ... 2010 or 11 ) and even when I was in jail, they gave me what they could afford ( because the correctional system does their best to pay as little as possible ), but when I got released they refused to give me my meds, telling me to go and get a doctor to subscribe me meds. Well, the medical system works that you have to see a therapist for about a month before you even get to even see the psychiatrist and then you have to wait for things to be approved ( so they know you aren’t abusing stuff ) so the process for that is like 2 months ... and that is after you wait to get insurance and since I don’t have an official job so no insurance for that so I have get welfare health care for the month. And on top of that, the first 2-3 I was in State College, getting things done and then Lynnanne kicked me out for going to the Theory of a Deadman and I moved in with mom ( Sue ) and dad ( Chuck ). So having all that transferred over was a headache and a half whenever you are “right in the head” and without my medication I am not exactly ... always there.

Anyways, she didn’t pay my fines so I was arrested. Luckily, mom was home and she was able to find out what was going on and what needed to be done. Call dad, call my PO and the Judge to see what can be worked out, etc, etc.

Being back in jail wasn’t bad. I didn’t go back to a block. Because they know of my mental health condition and I return without medication, they had to keep me in insolation. But the jail was over filled, so for the first day I was in holding on a mattress and the second day I was in the Multi-Purpose Room ( gym ) and the third day, they put me in Detox ( which is this jail’s isolation room ). I talked to mom on the first visitation day and she broke down that with this particular fine and because the Judge doesn’t seem to care much for me, he wants me to pay the whole amount compared to what is due or making arrangements.

The amount was $560. And it is the middle of the month. No one had that kind of money and I didn’t get paid for another two weeks. I told her that since I spent years in prison time before my last 10 1/2 month incarceration a few months ago, that 2 weeks would a breeze. She said that she and dad would do as much as they can but they have been struggling too. I wasn’t worried. Two weeks and I will have them pay it from my account and I will not have to worry about this particular fine.

The first few days I slept each day, all day. The third or fourth day I was all slept out so I started to talk to the C.O.s that all seem to remember me. I asked for paper and a pen to write and boy did I write! I wrote something of like 10 pages of things that I wanted to do and take care of when I get released on the 1st of September and some other things I wanted to get done by the New Year ( more on that later ).

Anyways, on the 25th of September, a C.O. comes in and tells me to pack my shit. My first response was, “Where am I moving to now?” and he goes “You getting out, man! Home free!” I look at him sideways because this particular CO was the same douche that let me and my old cellie sit in a flooded cell full of shit water for like 2 hours because our toilet clogged and overflew.

I got out to booking and I got them to let me make a phone call so I called Sue because I am sure that she must have had a hand in getting me out a few days earlier than expected. She was happy to hear from me yet she expected me to call today. I asked her how did I get out and she hesitated but she eventually told me ...

My Biological Mother ( BioMom ) paid my fine to get me out.

When I went into jail, dad tried to talk to people ( whom he knew I knew ... which is a fraction from people that “US” know ) and one of them was BioMom. She worked her magic that Spencer says that she has always been good at doing to win over mom and dad ( Chuck and Sue ) and she paid my fine for me to get out.

Was I pissed? Extremely. And when dad came to pick me up, I let him know that he shouldn’t have done that and that there could be consequences to this action. He tried to have me explain how I felt and I tried to explain the little I know from my “brothers” and from what was on the files that have been gathered over the years on the Biologicals. He was reasonable. Not saying that I was wrong or lying but that there could be some misconception and misunderstanding since the woman on the phone with them who claimed to be BioMom was nice and educated and seemed to be a caring mother who misses the prodigal son.

I almost feel for it until Spencer recalled his experience and the experience of the others. It is hard pressed who to believe because my brothers have always been there for me and rarely ever lead me astray. But I have picked my family. Hopefully this one lasts longer than the last one ...

Also, I know where my concentration has to be. I have to work on me for the next few months until after the New Years. A lot has to happen and I have to work on it - priority number one right now.

The good thing is that Dad said that he is glad that everything worked out the way it did because Nakoma ( Sue’s Daughter so my Little Sister ) ‘s birthday was today. Dad said that she told them that “No matter what you do for my birthday, it means nothing since Nick isn’t here!” so they didn’t tell her that I am coming home to be a surprise to her. That seriously made me the happiest person alive, no doubt.

So I came home, surprised her and we parties in the back yard with a few of her friends and Dad’s bosses, Michael and Diana. We had pizza and cake and soda and all kinds of stuff that breaks my diet and whatnot but it was worth it after a week and a half of jail food!