Ghosts Won't Let Me Move On

So last night Tammy offered to let me come over since she actually got a car do I was like, "sure, why not?"

I could feel James smile from another room and Spencer ran in and beginning to rant that "there is no reason to even go to her place or spend time with her! There is no benefit and I'm sure that it'll cause more trouble than is deserved."

And he was completely right. I left anyways. Showered, packed and put lotion on and everything. We had to talk about the drama between us, which isn't really important to the grand scheme of things, but had to be resolved.

Getting there, we talked about Tyra and Dwayen ( hey boyfriend ) and what not. More or less, we talked about a lot of what normal friends talk about while driving. However, she convinced to me that people around her neighborhood were getting nosey and she was worried about Dwayne hearing the wrong things from the wrong person. I told her that Dwayne actually likes me and that I had no intention of doing anything.

We got into the kitchen and we started cleaning and putting things away since she was just dissing out community food before she came to pick me up. And somehow one thing lead to another. I honestly don't know what came over me, whether it was the loneliness or even if was her or me that made the first move but ... things started to happen. You know, the touching and exploring and removal of clothes and whatnot.

We head upstairs and we start going at it ... until I start seeing Jasmine instead of Tammy. I shook my head and tried to keep going. Ignoring it in hopes it would go away and it did ... until it started happening again. 

Tammy and Jasmine don't look anything alike. They have different body types, different voices and personalities ... different everything! Even a age difference!

I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

I turn on the lights and bend over the sink to start heaving. Whatever, this was I wanted it out of me. I didn't even want to have sex with Tammy but it was the idea that I wanted to move on. To move past Jasmine. To get over her. If I can't even get intimate with anyone else ...

Then I looked up and I saw AJ! I immediately punched him in the face ... to find out it was the mirror. I was see him in the mirror ... as me! Me!

Tammy came in and asked what happened. I  was too shaken to reply immediately but I told her that I feel into it not thinking.

As she tried to bandage me up, I thought about why I was hallucinating. Jasmine was easy enough. She is still in me. Haunting me about moving on from her. Cursing me for even trying to breaking the family my end ( even though I am sure she is breaking the family from her end ). 

But AJ? Why him? And why him as me?

Then I realized why. Because Tammy was seeing Dwayne and here I am, with a woman taken by another man. Yea, she is not happy or he is slacking but that doesn't give me the right or ... I don't want to be AJ. I don't want to be a homewrecker. That isn't me. Maybe James but not me and I have to stop James from doing that too! Hell, I hated Lynn because she allowed other men to come into her house and do that shit to her.

No! I had to stop this before it started. It has went too far as it. So i told her I was gonna sleep downstairs. That I wasn't feeling this. She was argumentative at first but I convinced her that this was wrong for both her and me. She threw Jasmine in my face and went to her room and locked it. Probably crying.

Gawd, I don't need this. I don't want this. Not really. But I'll get home tomorrow. Some things need changed.

Scary Halloween

So Friday, instead of bringing Nakoma with Karla and I to the Haunted House in Philiphsburg, Nakoma went with mom and dad to see Blind Shift in Clearfield and Karla had dinner with her folks. What did I do you ask? Well, Kayla offered to take me to another Haunted House in Beccaria and I took it because CJ had brought a female friend over and James was getting excited ( which usually isn't a good sign ).

So I showered and half way through my hair cut she arrived so it is incomplete. I look like Kid from the movie "Kid N Play" but shorter than the old school eraser head look. But I figured since it was so late and all that no one would notice in a dark haunted house.

The ride to the Haunted House was interesting. She talked less about her past fuck buddies and actually told me about where we were going. When she started taking I realized that I should have taken Spencer's suggestion and do research on where we were going but I felt since it was such short notice that it wouldn't be worth the rush effort. That and it is just a haunted house, right?

Turned out that she actually used to live at this Haunted House when she was a preteen. She wasn't clear if it was actually haunted but she was told a lot off ghost stories about the place when she was younger. The place was built in the 1800 and the Historical Society restored it be functional during the holidays ... especially Halloween.

We got there and I was expecting more people but I was relieved that it wasn't that packed. Kayla knew a guy or two who were dressed up as monsters there. Not really surprising but still a sight annoyance. I've been around people who were "popular" but with Kayla I find it more annoying than flattering or whatever.

Regardless, the house was huge. Like close to, if not exactly, twenty rooms and three stories. The actors portraying demented and psychotic hotel workers and tenants on something they call "Dead and Breakfast" ( a play on "bed and breakfast" ). None of it was really corny. Reminded me of America Horror Story kinda stuff.

Kayla made it an effort to hold me close. Probably to make sure I didn't explore the place independently like I wanted to. I looked at everything like I was investigating a crime scene again. Identifying items of interests and what not. Noticing knives before they were grabbed by the actors and finding trails of blood and analyzing how demented the scene was. And this place was really well planned to be very demented. Pale faces, splattered with blood, with clean clothes ( other than the blood ) and crazy hair. Reminded me of the Devil's Rejects in a way. Really interesting. Really glad it was fake.

Afterwards we chilled for a little while and then she took me home. She wanted to meet the familly even though I explained that the adults were out with the event. She came in and I tried to treat her as much as a "just friend" girl as possible. I didn't need the extra hassle of my brothers ( and potentially dad ) and she got the hint and was doing the same thing. However, after she left, she seemed to have done too well of a job and now my brothers ( at least CJ doesn't like her ). I suppose that is okay for the moment. If she ends up being more long term then ... she'll make up for the behavior of that night. If not that she is no worse for wear.

I am not sure what I am going to do with her. If she is just someone who is currently there or if there is some sort of deeper meaning for her existence in my life. Do I want her in my life? I am not talking permanently or anything like that but more of a "is she useful" as  Spencer would ask of person that is introduced into not just my life but our lives. I allow myself to be a little more understanding and compassionate ( thank you earlier version of Jasmine ). People aren't just to be used and then thrown away when no longer useful. That isn't how people should be.

At the same time, you shouldn't have people in your life that suck up what they can from you be it attention, love nor money without some sort of equivalent exchange. Kayla satisfy a certain level of companionship that I don't mind at the moment but at the back of my mind, I do have to remember that she is an ex-girlfriend ... who dumped me at that.I shouldn't be so desperate for companionship that I am willing to fall into the same trap that I did years ago.

But I am all about second chances, aren't I?