Ghosts Won't Let Me Move On

So last night Tammy offered to let me come over since she actually got a car do I was like, "sure, why not?"

I could feel James smile from another room and Spencer ran in and beginning to rant that "there is no reason to even go to her place or spend time with her! There is no benefit and I'm sure that it'll cause more trouble than is deserved."

And he was completely right. I left anyways. Showered, packed and put lotion on and everything. We had to talk about the drama between us, which isn't really important to the grand scheme of things, but had to be resolved.

Getting there, we talked about Tyra and Dwayen ( hey boyfriend ) and what not. More or less, we talked about a lot of what normal friends talk about while driving. However, she convinced to me that people around her neighborhood were getting nosey and she was worried about Dwayne hearing the wrong things from the wrong person. I told her that Dwayne actually likes me and that I had no intention of doing anything.

We got into the kitchen and we started cleaning and putting things away since she was just dissing out community food before she came to pick me up. And somehow one thing lead to another. I honestly don't know what came over me, whether it was the loneliness or even if was her or me that made the first move but ... things started to happen. You know, the touching and exploring and removal of clothes and whatnot.

We head upstairs and we start going at it ... until I start seeing Jasmine instead of Tammy. I shook my head and tried to keep going. Ignoring it in hopes it would go away and it did ... until it started happening again. 

Tammy and Jasmine don't look anything alike. They have different body types, different voices and personalities ... different everything! Even a age difference!

I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

I turn on the lights and bend over the sink to start heaving. Whatever, this was I wanted it out of me. I didn't even want to have sex with Tammy but it was the idea that I wanted to move on. To move past Jasmine. To get over her. If I can't even get intimate with anyone else ...

Then I looked up and I saw AJ! I immediately punched him in the face ... to find out it was the mirror. I was see him in the mirror ... as me! Me!

Tammy came in and asked what happened. I  was too shaken to reply immediately but I told her that I feel into it not thinking.

As she tried to bandage me up, I thought about why I was hallucinating. Jasmine was easy enough. She is still in me. Haunting me about moving on from her. Cursing me for even trying to breaking the family my end ( even though I am sure she is breaking the family from her end ). 

But AJ? Why him? And why him as me?

Then I realized why. Because Tammy was seeing Dwayne and here I am, with a woman taken by another man. Yea, she is not happy or he is slacking but that doesn't give me the right or ... I don't want to be AJ. I don't want to be a homewrecker. That isn't me. Maybe James but not me and I have to stop James from doing that too! Hell, I hated Lynn because she allowed other men to come into her house and do that shit to her.

No! I had to stop this before it started. It has went too far as it. So i told her I was gonna sleep downstairs. That I wasn't feeling this. She was argumentative at first but I convinced her that this was wrong for both her and me. She threw Jasmine in my face and went to her room and locked it. Probably crying.

Gawd, I don't need this. I don't want this. Not really. But I'll get home tomorrow. Some things need changed.

My Weekend Part II

So around 8pm, James was like, "Dude, this is pathetic. Let's go out, have some fun. You know, that thing you don't do, called socialize."


I was reluctant at first but Dad mentioned something today about letting my brothers express themselves more and being more social myself. And it so happen that Kayla and Michelle wanted us to hang out again after the last time was such a blast. Besides, I could ask to spend the night and I can take care of seeing Sam ( my PO officer ) the next day and get that out of the way before I get reported for noncompliance.


So I went upstairs to pack while James showered. On the way out there Dad wanted to play a million questions ( mostly to poke fun at it ) and Nakoma physically latched herself to my leg so that I wouldn't leave. I told everyone my plans ( leaving James to keep quite about whatever he wanted to do ) and in the mist of it all, somewhat of an argument ensued. Kayla and Melissa arrived and I virtually ran out the door to avoid losing the small cool I had left ... forgetting a jacket and my phone charger.


While driving, Kayla and Melissa said that I could stay but that I had to leave at 6 in the morning because then everyone would be doing their own stuff and since I am a new friend I couldn't just stay at their house alone, which was completely reasonable. However, that meant that I had to try to find someone else to hang with until my 8pm appointment.


Well, since I was focused on my thing, I wasn't very sociable. Matter of fact, I might have been more of a dick then initially intended when my attention was requested. So Melissa said that she was dropping me and Kayla off her Kayla's house since I no longer seemed like the "ray of sunshine" as before. James complained a little but I didn't care. Less people and less annoyance, really.


Well, we got dropped off and James and Kayla hung out while I worked on trying to find someone I knew that knew me and actually still lived in the area. I figured that Tammy could help me out but her boyfriend was around and it would looked bad if we just showed up. A few other people were just like "no" and others just didn't bother to reply. One was like, "If you can get 'candy' ( weed ) and then maybe you can". That last person was Jennifer G. I was disgusted and pissed and ... started to scrape the bottom of the barrel.


My ex-girlfriend Chasity said that she might be able to do it, if mom ( her mom but her mom loves me enough to call me son ) would be willing to wake up that early. That was okay but I needed a back up plan. Luckily shortly after that, Brandi and Matt messaged me back saying that they wouldn't have a problem with me coming in in the morning and staying with them until my appointment.


That helped me sleep better.


I woke up a little before 6 and went upstairs to use the bathroom. Kayla and James were no where to be seen. Walking into the bathroom I saw an array of clothing all over the place. Some of them were mine. I guess that James must have worn my clothes prior to leaving. There was blood on the boxers. A lot of it. I could only imagine how it got there as I vomited in the toilet. I went down and got a small trash bag to wrap the bloody clothes into and collected the other articles of my clothes from the floor.


Then I woke up James and which woke up Kayla and then she says we have to leave because her mother was coming home ... and her mother does not like either of us. So he showered ( I didn't ask ) and I found everything that we brought with us and tried to erase our existence there. We left and started walking towards the rendezvous a few blocks away to be picked up by Matt.


Matt picked us us in the Subaru that he has been trying to sell me for 3k. Wouldn't be such a bad idea if I didn't hear from others that he is laughing behind our back about how it is barely staying intact. That it wasn't worth 1k but with the extra money he was gonna get a truck or something. As nice as a Subaru as it looks on the outside, the fact that he tried to pull one over my eyes pisses me off. I'd blow him off if it wasn't for Brandi, his fiance.


Brandi ... well, she is another story all together for another time.


I came to their house and James went to sleep upstairs and I stayed on the couch but soon passed out on the couch. When I woke up, it was just Brandi and Izzy and Izzy was running around being a kid. It was hard to look at Izzy because Izzy and Xavier used to play together a lot and ... well, memories filled my head. So I talked to Brandi, trying hard not to think about the things that I absolutely love about her.


I remember when Jasmine first left, that I got surprisingly really close to Brandi, There was this one time I got low, like really low, and she was there and saved me. We shared a moment there that we both knew that it was but ... just didn't act on it. I was still stuck on Jasmine and she had Matt. And then when I got arrested she came to visit me and ... it killed me and saved me both at the same time.


So it was a struggle to be so close to her and to just ... sit there and talk. Not like we have really done anything else other than that but it was still ... there.


But we did. We talked about our old support group and told her a little of what was going on with me at the time. We talked about how things have changed since back then and how things need to change now. We were hinting at something without coming near to it.


Then we talked about ... how I remembered Xavier when I saw Izzy. Luckily, I don't remember Jasmine directly because she was never really around whenever Izzy was over for a play date but ... remembering Xavier still hurt because I haven't seen him in two years. She seemed to sympathize but by that point I closed everything out to keep my head. She was just Brandi then. Not the woman I loved after Jasmine or the woman who saved me. Just some woman across from me whose name is Brandi who had 3 children and a fiance who is trying to sell me a crap car.


After our talk, I went upstairs too find something else to do. Something that didn't involve people. I found Matt's XBox and tried to play some Max Payne 3 but the disc was missing. Actually, with the games he had, almost every disc he had had the vital disc I needed was missing. I eventually got on his Xbox and played a simulation that was already on the hard drive. I was doing well with it, adapting with plans not failing the mission.


Eventually, Matt came home and we went to a smoke run. When we came back, it was about thirty minutes until my appointment. Gave Tammy a call because I convinced her to give me a ride home even though her boyfriend was in town. At that point, I didn't care about the "ripples". I had to get home because I couldn't stay in Clearfield area any longer. It was starting to make me physically ill ... and I was starting to get antsy looking out the window looking for the "right people".

She was late picking me so I just barely made my appointment and I quickly did what needed to be done and left. I think they were annoyed that I was cutting it close.

The drive one was ... interesting. We talked. We did more than talk ... but not much more. Got home at almost record time ( yea, process that ). But we talked about her boyfriend and what is right ( and wrong ) with him and what she keeps getting confused with concerning me. I stick around her for Tyra because I care about Tyra and I miss her and want to be a good role model to her but being in a relationship with Tammy would be ... well, it would be a lot of headache really for both of us. So we talked about that and she ended up sticking with her boyfriend.

I really need to figure out what I am doing here. I am cutting things close and putting myself through more heartache and headache than necessary. The new year is coming and change has to come with it.