Worse Christmas Ever

So Christmas Day, I was kind of excited.  I got the following people things:

Dad ( Charles ):
 -  car radio ( which included radio, adapter and placement plate ) ( ~80$ )
 - cup ( "hard to be nice when it is fun to be naughty" ) ( ~5$ )

Mom ( Sue ) :
 - Season 7 of SuperNatural ( ~ 5$ )
 - Twilight Behind the Scenes Book ( ~5$ )

Bobby:
 - NeverWinter Nights ( ~10$ )
 - 5 KickAss Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Diablo 2 ( ~10$ ) ( almost a gift from my brother Daniel from several years  ago: sentimental value )
 - Steam Gift Card ( ~20$ )

CJ:
 - GameStop Gift Card ( ~25$ )

Tyler:
 - Devil May Cry HD Pack: DMC 1, 2 and 3 ( ~13$ )

Nakoma:
 - Care Bears Movie ( ~5$ )
 - Cartoon Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Viva Pinta XBox 360 Game ( ~15$ )

Josh:
 - Star Trek KeyChain ( ~5$ )
 - Gears of War 1-3? ( ~10-20$ )


So I spent a pretty penny for Christmas for everyone. But I really don't care for the money. That is kind of expected when it comes to Christmas. However, when I started to take pictures of people with their gifts on Christmas, Dad got on my case, saying that he doesn't want these pictures up.

Then CJ made the comment saying that why would anyone want to post pictures for people they don't know to see. Fuck him! I know all those people that I put on my Facebook and they seem to care more than his fucking ass. The only thing that he seems to care about is if I can drive him to see his drug dealer. Other than that, the little fuck gives no fucks.

I mean ... How dare they? How dare they say these things after everything I went through. After everything I continue to go through. Not just me but with them. The financial responsibilities and the effort I put into this family that seems to ... I don't know how they ... who they think I am?

I have no pictures of my life of prior to me coming out of jail. I have no pictures of the 'prior's' lives before me. Pictures of Theodore and Michael and Guy and Chris and James and Spencer and anyone else ... their families ... their existence ... their lives ... as if they didn't matter.

Dad said a while ago, because of something that he didn't and couldn't understand, that I was a liar. He even told our boss, MY BOSS, that I was a liar and everything I say is a lie. He never could understand the struggle and suffering I have been through alone for United Separation.

But I have trusted him many times. Given him money for services and trusted him to pay for things later when I give him money now ... and every time he has let me down. Forgotten and spent the money on other things.

And Josh, thinking he knows shit about my life. Time and time again, I listen to him when he needs an ear and time and time again I bail him out of situations with Sue and Chuck and time and time again, I have to deal with his drivel and his "I know it all" and "I am superior" attitude because Michael enjoys him and his company and conversation. Even though when I confide in him about anything ( things ranging from me moving out from Lynnanne's place to asking him to vouch for me about the XBox I paid HIM for ) he lets me down by 'snitching' ( to Lynnanne about me moving ) and 'forgetting' or not giving enough of a shit about  ( when it came to the XBox ).

And why do I do all of that? Because of what James did? Because of Michael and his foolish ideals of trusting people?

When he went to jail and I tried to get his 'then' girlfriend to do anything, she did nothing and I felt his resentment at me for it. Even now after they have 'broken up', no apologies and no ... reassurance. And he continues to bitch and complain about everything when he owes so much.  He has wrecked both my car ( PT Cruiser - Alice )  and Sue's Durago. They have been in the red to keep him out of jail while they willing let me go in and sit.

But oh, not josh. Never Josh. Their ex-son in law. Their ex-son in law that they let sit in his room all day while I get up early mornings to take care of chores and run people around.

And Sue?! Always complaining about me to others and never wanting to talk to me. Even though I have given her the connection of son and mom ( foolishly it seems ) and even when I let her and James ... someone whom he claims is her 'bestie' ( whateverthefuck that means ), she still complains that we do not spend enough time.

Does she understand when we are not with her then we are running errands for her husband?! Does she understand that most nights I leave her at 9-9.30 and don't get back until like 5-6? And to what? Assholic kids ( siblings ) and adults ( parents ) who do not even know how to begin to understand?

Sadly enough the only one who seems to remotely get it is Nakoma ...

And not only that ... the proof of my life, with Jasmine and Xavier ... I miss my family. My family that no longer exists anymore. And yet ... I think about them constantly. Their ghost haunts me. Reminds me of what I have missed and what I no longer can have.

Is this hell? Did I succeed July 27th 2014?

Felicia left me and as much as that hurt, I found it a personal success that I am getting over it without incident. Especially with this crappy ass support system of people who doubt me and oppress me and put me down. They think I am better here?! Really?

Worst
Christmas
Ever

Questioning my Fatherhood

Yesterday, Dad invited the local relatives over for a BBQ in our backyard. I didn't really want to make an appearance because ... well, I don't know them that well. I rather meet people in segments and slowly rather than 'oh hi! my name is ... ". I rather see you a few times while doing a choir. Give them time to get used to me. But in a group setting, it is difficult for U.S. to say the least.

Well, my cousin, Zack, brought his girlfriend ( whose name escapes me but I am sure it starts with a K so I am gonna call her K ) came too and brought her nephew.

He looked the size of Xavier but more energetic.

Suddenly, I started to miss him tremendously. And I started to question ... if I allowed him to have more fun when he was with me. When we were a family, Jasmine kind of took care of the fun aspect but she was always out and about ( probably with AJ ). I mean, we had fun but he wasn't anywhere near as active as this nephew of K was.

I think about Xavier, constantly ... but there are times that I question if I were a good enough father to my son :(

Prison of Guilt

So, yesterday, while I was out and taking CJ and Bobby to their friend's place. When I came back, dad said he wanted to talk to me. Turned out that dad mentioned to mom about getting me a cheap pre-owned Xbox 360 and then mom added that why should they if I am leaving in June.

When I came out, it was kind of s blow out again. Dad was pissed. Saying that he got the other side of the duplex because they wanted to give me room. Spencer wanted me to point that I don't live in the side of the house because they put the worst two sons over there. And that I share a room with Tyler. But I told him it would make U.S. seem ungrateful and to that Spencer started to say that they are "ungrateful morons" ( his words ).

I ignored him as dad was ranting that my 400$+ monthly contribution really resulted to about 20$ ( "if that" - his words ). Her even said that his contribution of 100$ for my fines was taken away from my contribution.

Spencer close to lost it. According to our budgeting goal, we already calculated paying our own fine but dad wanted to use the 100$ that we had held back to help around the house and that he'd help the 250$ fine cuz by that time he would have gotten Bobby's tax return. The actual 400$ was used to get him out of the whole.

It wad annoying being yelled at from both ends and not being able to yell back. But I've learned that most T.O.W. people don't react to escalation well.

Then he started saying that if I really planned to leave in June then I might as well find a new place in the next twelve hours and move out. I told him that he didn't mean that and that he is just upset that my stay isn't permanent. Then he started to have a coughing fit and when that happens his spine pinches and ... well it usually isn't a good thing.

Spencer says that I care too Damn much for these TOWians ... and I fear he is right.oSo I pushed back my moving date. Not definite when but I am seeing Spencer's point. They are keeping me here. And leaving would result in losing there love and support.

But if their support and love is conditional ... then is it true. Maybe they to have  an alternative agenda. 

I have to work harder on the exit strategy

The Beginning of Change

So, I have been thinking of moving out of here. Not because I don't love this family but because in a few months ... well, there is a lot of reasons.

Spencer doesn't feel that the move to this family was a wise move but he understood that it was an needed opportunity at a time where we needed it. However, he began to realize that a lot of things were the same as living with Lynnanne.

When offered living with Lynnanne, she said that she would help arrange my finances since I wasn't able to when I left jail. They had me on meds while in jail and I suddently left jail and they did not give me any direction or idea on how to get more meds.

The main help she did was to activate my SSI and then request rent money. After a month or two, we moved into a hotel, and it didn't click that she never paid rent with my money or even paid any of my fines that she said she would take care of while I wasn't able to do it myself. And when the concert incident with Lynnanne happened and she kicked me out and Dad and Mom took me in because I wasn't able function right alone.

Over the months of living with Mom and Dad, I have gotten better on my own. I started seeing a personal therapist ( Annette Shutters ) and I started improving my own strength and usefulness. I have gotten some of my basic functioning back and regained brain abilities that I lost since being off my T.O.W. medications. This family has tried to help in their own way but honestly, they do not understand or possiblity truly comprehend what me and my brothers go through.

When I went back to jail when we realized that Lynn never paid any of my fines with my money, Mom and Dad were not able to do much and the BioMom ended up putting the money up to pay up my PFA to get me out of jail. I haven't made a fine payment yet because ... well, Mom and Dad needed help with their own finances.

Spencer does not condone me wanting to help this family, especially to the extent to what I have done. But I feel that ... I don't know. Maybe, it is past guilt trying to make up for fucking up other families that I have previously been  a part of. Also, I do a lot of work to keep my cool and anger more in check. Work to the point of exhaustion and I don't have to energy to have an outburst. It works but when it doesn't, I disappear for a while. I don't want to return to the correctional system nor do I want to jepordize these T.O.W. people's lives. I sincerely care about each of the members of this household. They have accommodated me and my brothers ... at least it seems that they do.

Spencer, however, is not so ... attached. Since the conversation with Mom about the money,  Spencer has made it a point to push an efficient Exit Strategy Order ( ESO ) with the committee to create a sanctuary of our own.

He states that the work that I put into the workings of this currently household ( choirs set up for a household that usually turns to be done by me, aide with Dad's own work on site which I 'sugar-coat' by calling an internship at Magnum and personal chauffeuring for the family ) goes above and beyond, especially when I also give them 85% of the SSI funds for their financial difficulties. He feels that they are using me for labor that I am paying them for.

He has also pointed out time and time again, when Dad has said that he would do things that he doesn't come through.

Michael wanted games during Black Friday so I gave Dad the money to put into his account so I could purchase the games for Michael and he forgot to put the money into his account ... so he kept the money, he keeps pushing Spencer whenever he tries to work on the HUB or any other personal project of his, I sometimes am concerned about how James' interaction with Mom ... and other women that CJ brings home and he talks to and how that would be preserved. And Tobias is starting to get more attached to T.O.W. people which isn't something that has turned out well ... and other things.

Spencer also seems very upset about how none of his projects have been completed because more funds, resources and time have been put into this family instead of U.S. which is ridiculous but I can see how it can be seen as that. I care about these people ... but my loyal HAS to be with U.S.

Luckily, during this same period, I have been talking to Jenn D ( whom we will be calling Harley from now on ). She has reintroduced herself into my life. And I am setting up a proposal that it would be a better situation to start something with her. She has her own finances which she seems to be able to handle. And she seems to want to deal with me ( she is also aware of U.S. so that is a good point ).

However, this is just the planning stages. I still have to figure out how she can still work if she is to move and how we are to get around considering that she still has a son about Xavier's age, so that could be a decently good idea when Xavier is reintroduced into my life.

I made a date ( the one year anniversary month of when I was released from jail ) being June 1st that I want to be out by. Giving me to gain personal assests and giving me time to set up the family here to be okay without me. Time to easy them off me rather than just up-n-leaving.

Obviously, that has been met with a lot of conflict with Mom and Dad. They don't think that I am ready to leave and ... well, I just know that I have to do this. If not for me then for U.S.

More on this later. I am sure.

Sound Deception by Simon

I woke up early this morning and went downstairs to play Deus Ex: Human Revolution I got from the Xbox Live 360 Free Game for the month for a few hours when Dad came downstairs. He asked if it was okay for him to use my computer to record some stuff for a station's program that he has to do. He mentioned that he had to use he headset to hear and record and I mentioned that it doesn't work on my computer yet. He asked why it doesn't work and I told him that Bobby said that it just didn't have what it needed to play sound.

He plugs his headset in and boom, sound! Making me look more like an idiot than I am willing to feel like that early in the morning. He says that since his headset was a USB plug in that that might have been the reason that the sound works.

Later, I was telling Spencer, "Hey! The sound works on the terminal!"

"I know," he replied.

"What? How did you know?"

"Cuz I fixed it this morning. That's how."

"Well, Dad said ... ", I started.

"Forget what the moron thinks he knows. He makes a living out of making people feel he knows what he is doing ... and his son is no better."

This inter-family fighting ... is giving me a major headache this weekend. :(

Getting Out of Jail ... Again

It has been a while since I last updated and I have a lot to update.

Well, first off all, Monday, September 14th, I got arrested sometime in the afternoon. It turns out that while I was paying Lynnanne during the 2-3 months I was living with her, not only was she not paying the rent but she was not paying my fines either.

Why was she paying for everything for me? Well, I am on medication ( I have been since ... 2010 or 11 ) and even when I was in jail, they gave me what they could afford ( because the correctional system does their best to pay as little as possible ), but when I got released they refused to give me my meds, telling me to go and get a doctor to subscribe me meds. Well, the medical system works that you have to see a therapist for about a month before you even get to even see the psychiatrist and then you have to wait for things to be approved ( so they know you aren’t abusing stuff ) so the process for that is like 2 months ... and that is after you wait to get insurance and since I don’t have an official job so no insurance for that so I have get welfare health care for the month. And on top of that, the first 2-3 I was in State College, getting things done and then Lynnanne kicked me out for going to the Theory of a Deadman and I moved in with mom ( Sue ) and dad ( Chuck ). So having all that transferred over was a headache and a half whenever you are “right in the head” and without my medication I am not exactly ... always there.

Anyways, she didn’t pay my fines so I was arrested. Luckily, mom was home and she was able to find out what was going on and what needed to be done. Call dad, call my PO and the Judge to see what can be worked out, etc, etc.

Being back in jail wasn’t bad. I didn’t go back to a block. Because they know of my mental health condition and I return without medication, they had to keep me in insolation. But the jail was over filled, so for the first day I was in holding on a mattress and the second day I was in the Multi-Purpose Room ( gym ) and the third day, they put me in Detox ( which is this jail’s isolation room ). I talked to mom on the first visitation day and she broke down that with this particular fine and because the Judge doesn’t seem to care much for me, he wants me to pay the whole amount compared to what is due or making arrangements.

The amount was $560. And it is the middle of the month. No one had that kind of money and I didn’t get paid for another two weeks. I told her that since I spent years in prison time before my last 10 1/2 month incarceration a few months ago, that 2 weeks would a breeze. She said that she and dad would do as much as they can but they have been struggling too. I wasn’t worried. Two weeks and I will have them pay it from my account and I will not have to worry about this particular fine.

The first few days I slept each day, all day. The third or fourth day I was all slept out so I started to talk to the C.O.s that all seem to remember me. I asked for paper and a pen to write and boy did I write! I wrote something of like 10 pages of things that I wanted to do and take care of when I get released on the 1st of September and some other things I wanted to get done by the New Year ( more on that later ).

Anyways, on the 25th of September, a C.O. comes in and tells me to pack my shit. My first response was, “Where am I moving to now?” and he goes “You getting out, man! Home free!” I look at him sideways because this particular CO was the same douche that let me and my old cellie sit in a flooded cell full of shit water for like 2 hours because our toilet clogged and overflew.

I got out to booking and I got them to let me make a phone call so I called Sue because I am sure that she must have had a hand in getting me out a few days earlier than expected. She was happy to hear from me yet she expected me to call today. I asked her how did I get out and she hesitated but she eventually told me ...

My Biological Mother ( BioMom ) paid my fine to get me out.

When I went into jail, dad tried to talk to people ( whom he knew I knew ... which is a fraction from people that “US” know ) and one of them was BioMom. She worked her magic that Spencer says that she has always been good at doing to win over mom and dad ( Chuck and Sue ) and she paid my fine for me to get out.

Was I pissed? Extremely. And when dad came to pick me up, I let him know that he shouldn’t have done that and that there could be consequences to this action. He tried to have me explain how I felt and I tried to explain the little I know from my “brothers” and from what was on the files that have been gathered over the years on the Biologicals. He was reasonable. Not saying that I was wrong or lying but that there could be some misconception and misunderstanding since the woman on the phone with them who claimed to be BioMom was nice and educated and seemed to be a caring mother who misses the prodigal son.

I almost feel for it until Spencer recalled his experience and the experience of the others. It is hard pressed who to believe because my brothers have always been there for me and rarely ever lead me astray. But I have picked my family. Hopefully this one lasts longer than the last one ...

Also, I know where my concentration has to be. I have to work on me for the next few months until after the New Years. A lot has to happen and I have to work on it - priority number one right now.

The good thing is that Dad said that he is glad that everything worked out the way it did because Nakoma ( Sue’s Daughter so my Little Sister ) ‘s birthday was today. Dad said that she told them that “No matter what you do for my birthday, it means nothing since Nick isn’t here!” so they didn’t tell her that I am coming home to be a surprise to her. That seriously made me the happiest person alive, no doubt.

So I came home, surprised her and we parties in the back yard with a few of her friends and Dad’s bosses, Michael and Diana. We had pizza and cake and soda and all kinds of stuff that breaks my diet and whatnot but it was worth it after a week and a half of jail food!