Prison of Guilt

So, yesterday, while I was out and taking CJ and Bobby to their friend's place. When I came back, dad said he wanted to talk to me. Turned out that dad mentioned to mom about getting me a cheap pre-owned Xbox 360 and then mom added that why should they if I am leaving in June.

When I came out, it was kind of s blow out again. Dad was pissed. Saying that he got the other side of the duplex because they wanted to give me room. Spencer wanted me to point that I don't live in the side of the house because they put the worst two sons over there. And that I share a room with Tyler. But I told him it would make U.S. seem ungrateful and to that Spencer started to say that they are "ungrateful morons" ( his words ).

I ignored him as dad was ranting that my 400$+ monthly contribution really resulted to about 20$ ( "if that" - his words ). Her even said that his contribution of 100$ for my fines was taken away from my contribution.

Spencer close to lost it. According to our budgeting goal, we already calculated paying our own fine but dad wanted to use the 100$ that we had held back to help around the house and that he'd help the 250$ fine cuz by that time he would have gotten Bobby's tax return. The actual 400$ was used to get him out of the whole.

It wad annoying being yelled at from both ends and not being able to yell back. But I've learned that most T.O.W. people don't react to escalation well.

Then he started saying that if I really planned to leave in June then I might as well find a new place in the next twelve hours and move out. I told him that he didn't mean that and that he is just upset that my stay isn't permanent. Then he started to have a coughing fit and when that happens his spine pinches and ... well it usually isn't a good thing.

Spencer says that I care too Damn much for these TOWians ... and I fear he is right.oSo I pushed back my moving date. Not definite when but I am seeing Spencer's point. They are keeping me here. And leaving would result in losing there love and support.

But if their support and love is conditional ... then is it true. Maybe they to have  an alternative agenda. 

I have to work harder on the exit strategy

Hating the Mask

Today, was a bad day. Dad referred to me as a pussy again. When he does that I want to throw stuff at him, smash his head in, shoot him in the thigh and step in it to make him suffer, crack a baseball bat at his back to just watch him suffer.

The Darkness breaking through. Like withdraw.

But Spencer order me nit to take any action. That relocation from the situation I created can't be escaped from. That the legacy must be returned to U.S. and that suffering the constant insults and belittling is my punishment I must endure for speeding up his damn timetables

But I know if I take actions, then he'll say that he was "just kidding" and that "I shouldn't have taken it so seriously" or I "shouldn't get butthurt" our some dumb shit or something stupid that he always says. Don't take it personally but they'll label me as such.

Fuck! I'm angry ... again! Angry all the time. And I'm not the beat you down kind of guy .. I'm the tie you to the bed when you sleep as I burn your house down around you kind of thing.

Or maybe I should bring Seth back. I notice how he looks at them. Even Nakoma. And CJ. He wants to beat CJ. He wants to break Bobby. He wants to ... he doesn't wan anything good for these people.

And this is my brother! They don't know what have been done just cause. Living in TOW at first there were little restrictions. Bad things happened. Some of my brothers keep good of that feeling while most of us tried to change and adapt to U.S.'s rules for TOW.

My family now won't know. The first few knew and they ... they aren't ... I can't let that happen again. Spencer thinks that I have forgotten but sometimes I remember. I know I forget because of him but sometimes I remember.

I can't let ... I have to control my brothers. My real brothers. They'll ruin everything.

Maybe I have to leave. I hate this mask I have to put on to protect people. So let me stop and save them by leaving.

It'll be best for everyone. Pack up and move on to the next level. Unless, I can come up with another solution but honestly I hate quitting and running.