Shouldn't Miss You

So this weekend just ... feels more stressful than it should. So much more stressful than it should. Like nothing has happened that has me specifically stressed. Yea, yesterday was kind of hectic with the all day radio station handling the high school wrestling matches. Even the boys are all gone so I have an Xbox to myself so I played the shit outta the Destiny Demo for my other brothers.

Then .... BOOM! Thoughts of missing someone who I haven't thought about in a long while but saw on my phone almost daily ....

Shiane!

Just out of the blue. And then I went through the pictures I still had on my on my phone of her and I remember the feelings I have got her came rushing back full force.

Maybe this is just me being upset that this weekend I was suppose to send with Jenn D but she disappeared and won't reply to my txt messages or anything.

This is the second month of the year of my New Year's Resolution and even though I haven't put these girls before me, I am still going through them. Hell, I'm even repeating. Both Jenn D and Shiane were on the list of women who walked off.

These people don't deserve me. I'm a hard worker. I actually try to be compassion and loving and understanding. And yet I'm passed up for douche bags and assholes?! Maybe everyone is suing something that I'm not.

This is seriously sad. That's probably why I'm in such a shitty mood. ;(

Tonight, I think I'm gonna force myself to work again. I need my head on straight.

Maybe I do need my meds ...

Dark Horse

So I've been seeing someone ... well, not really seeing anyone because it isn't official or anything.

Okay, let me start over. I knew a woman who taught me how to cook and clean and other daily activities that I had troubles with when I started living by myself. She was so cool and everything and she was so supportive. I considered her a great friend. I even invited her to the last birthday party that I attended.

Candi ( potential GF? )

She didn't show up and that was around the time Jasmine and I were ding better and nothing else matters. Nothing else at all. Not my smoking habit or my meds or going to my support group or even my friends. Nothing mattered because I was improving my family, Jasmine and Xavier.

Because of my dedication to something that already failed before it started, I had to "go away".

Now being back, James has made a campaign to get me hooked up with different women. Some were ridiculously outrageous or even out of my league. Others were simply not interested and others simply did not interest me personally. And there were a few that started off great and I was really excited about. Like Jennay and Shiane and Lacey and even Kayla and Jeska, but they all failed me. They were so stuck on themselves when I needed someone to be there for me as a friend and a partner.

My good friend, Frosty, who James has had a huge crush on, told me that I was comparing every girl to the idea I have out on a pedestal of Jasmine at her best in my mind and that is "not only unrealistic and impossible because that Jasmine isn't and probably never was the real Jasmine but also that means that you haven't let her go or moved on. Is that right for the next girl?"

Upon this revelation I ended James's Woman Search Project do I could move on. Concentrated on my own life and such. I started to get rid of people on my Facebook profile and phone contacts. Less fake people to focus on the people that actually meant something to me.

Candi was someone who survived the First Round of Elimination and I started talking to people, including her, to let them know that I cared about their lives ( something dad seems to feel is pointless ). Some replied while others didn't which made it easier to decide who wouldn't make it past Round Two.

I found myself talking to Candi often. Liking pictures and posts and making comments and what not. Enjoying the interaction because she would actually reply and talk back with some sense. I was enjoying myself with her.

One day, she posted that she was in a relationship to show her respect and everything. I talked her later and found out she did that to make her ex leave her alone. Something in me got excited and we started talking more personally. Dancing around but finally getting to the point that we liked each.

The moment I got her to actually get her to tell me that she likes me was last week and I told her that I have grown to really look forward to talking to her every day. Yes, that is how I say I like someone lol

So we have been talking for about a week, knowing we like each other so the conversion has upgraded a bit without being too teenage sex obsessed. I've confessed a lot of things that most people ( mainly referring to Cat ) freak out and disappear. She understood. She cared. She shared her own tough story which caused her to move to Camp Hill and I understood her situation and realized how small this world really is.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a story for another day!

We grew really close. Played the 20 Question game ( happy I confess ) and we learned a lot about each other.

Well, her mother is going for surgery tomorrow and she came into her parents house in Clearfield to accompany her mother to the Pittsburgh Hospital.

Which means she will be in the same county. Which also should mean that this should be a great opportunity to relax, have fun and try to move on.

I want this, right? No, I need this! I want to be with her. I want to move on from Jasmine. And ity isn't just because I want someone to trace Jasmine because in reality I know that I can't just replace Janine but I can hope that Candi and I can help each other be better. We are both rebuilding our lives and I am sure this can work.

I want this to work.

I need this to work.

I would love it if this would work because I think I might ... no, can't jinx it lol not yet.

But I am ready. I am so ready to experience Candi in her entirety.

The Struggle Contines

So I have spoken of the girl that I liked, Shiane, right? Well, I wrote her a message saying that I miss her and that I hope that she is having fun at college. I said that I look forward to her continuing contact after 1-2 weeks of radio silence and that I know that she is gonna meet a lot of friends in college but that I hope she doesn't forget that she loves me and everything.

Her response is this:

Hi! ^///^ I am thinking of you and this was the nicest thing ever sent to me. ^-^ it is eventful and no I don't have a boyfriend, although I will say I have met someone I wish would let me get  closer to, but all well. ^-^ I miss and love you too.

James says that that screams "Friend-Zone" Love like a blowhorn, so ... yea, another rejection of something that I tried really hard to succeed in. Maybe this woman thing isn't for me.

Yet, James got two women revealing that they have secretly always liked me ... us ... complicated but yeah. James is like a Cj in the sense that he always gets the ladies and when James gets the ladies then he tends to lead them in my direction. Probably why they never seem to work out much for me, since I don't get them myself. But it isn't like I have much of anyone knocking down my door to get to me. I have mentioned a few that have turned me down but trust me when I saw that there is a lot more than just those that I have mention. Like: Dawn and Natasha and Jess and Samantha just to name a few. I think that Ashley is on the fence but to tell you the truth I wasn't the interested in moving that forward more than just a friendship. Is that how all the other girls feel about me? Then how does James ... nevermind.

Anyways, the two women that recently told of their secret interest in me are:

Chantell and Marsha

Marsha isn't exactly my type. James tried to "tap" that but she turned him down the same reason Dawn did ... we both are black and they have had bad experience with black guys. But now she is separating from her husband and I guess is spreading out her options. She is currently fucking around with this Jordan guy but I am not worried about it. My head isn't in that one.

Chantell though is a different story. Kind of a hood rat but still ... idk ... I really don't remember much of her other than there was a great interest in her. She is pretty ... at least to me she is. And she has a mind of her own which is a great quality to have in a woman in my honest opinion. We ( actually me and her ) talked yesterday and we really connected. She confessed that she thought highly of me ( my own qualities ... not getting it confused with James' ) and I confessed my interest in her ( even though I think that she knows that she already knew from back then ). We talked about relationship guidelines ( yea not only am i that kinda guy but she is that kinda girl ) and all but we didn't declare anything. I rather have something like that said at least once so I am not thinking something that isn't.

I don't know though. James suggests that I spread my eggs in more than one basket but I do see the danger in that. It isn't like I am running a biological clock. I just hate being alone at the time. And yet I am not being completely up front about everything about me: like the jail thing and the MH disorders. Not exactly the best thing to put forward.

I don't know. Should I even be doing this?

Today I caught myself searching for Jasmine again. Looking and loving Xavier's pictures and hoping to see a glimpse of Jasmine that wasn't so ... extreme.

Jasmine

And then I was silly enough to try to look into the profiles of the biological mother and that upset me a little. A mixture of past unknown anger and ... guilt maybe? IDK. Stupid moves, really. I need ot leave things in the past. I should drop all these past people and disappear again.

I'll probably do that whenever I get enough money to run.

"Run you clever little boy, run!" - Clara Oswin Oswald - Doctor Who

Privately Trying on Seeking Woman

Ok so against my better judgement, James convinces me that with Jasmine moving on from day one that I've spent enough time mourning my failed marriage and that I have to get back on the market.

Now I am bad at the whole dating thing. I suck at remembering dates and always keeping the other in mind when I have so much that I myself I want to do.  But that doesn't mean that I don't want to have someone along side me helping me and me helping them go through life.  Does that make sense? Probably not but I know that I don't want to be alone. I like cuddling, sharing, talking and such.  James is my personal Karma Sutra and he is giving me pointers and, honestly, as important as sex is in a relationship,  I find it more of an annoying choir. Luckily James is a pro in the field and he helps with what I lack.

However, I think that our conflicting interests are starting to cause issues.  Each day I find more people on my social medias whom I don't know and some of the people that I do know are getting the wrong ideas.

However, me, myself didn't have a clue on what to do. There was this girl, Lacy, an old friend, who found me when I came back into civilization and confessed that she had looked me for years. We went on a relaxation date and things were great. We kissed. We cuddled. We talked, joked and laughed. I felt comfortable again. We planned to hang out in the middle of the week.

The middle of the week came and went and nothing. Some excuse or another and then we planned for her to come over and hang out. However, the weekend came and she told me that since she just came out of a bad relationship that maybe she wasn't ready for one with me.

I was understanding.  I might have been willing to venture into moving on but maybe we were moving fast. We agreed that we wouldn't date but that we should still talk as friends. However she would never text first or return text.  Soon she became a memory and I moved on with life.

A few weeks ago she messaged me on Facebook after the "Theory of a Deadman" concert, saying she was there with her new boyfriend Mike. Yes. Another rejection.

James pats me on the back and tells me there are others.  He mentions how my adopted brother Bobby's girlfriend was very nice to us ... when knowing about mostly everything.  I always thOught of her as my personal therapist and James says that the best relationships happen between already established friends ( my paraphrasing ).

So I started talking to her more.  Asking her how she is, what's up with her day, tell me more about yourself, etc. etc. Eventually we bonded and confessed that there might be something there.  Even something as crazy as love. But she said that she didn't want to hurt me or that she didn't want me to hurt her Cuz she is still feeling the sting from when Bobby dumped her. I told her that I didn't want to be strung along until something "better" came around and she seemed to understand.  But she is going to college at the end of August so there is that and I remember college. Not exactly as place to try to keep a LDR working at.  She might surprise me and come back still interested ... but James tells me that if I weren't able to get her before she left, them she is pretty much lost.

Slightly devastated from yet another failure, James claimed that what I needed was a confidence boost. So we traveled to Clearfield for a few days to see a few people and help out others.  Remember that weekend where I helped Danny move his stuff into the U Haul?  Yea what I didn't mention was that James was also trying to see some of his prospects. People I necessarily didn't feel a relationship with them would have been beneficial to me, yet I still consider them friends because they have helped in previous chapters of my life.

Well to say the least, James had no such restraints.

After that week I felt drained and even more confused and depressed and my situation and my thoughts kept coming back to Jasmine. Haunted constantly by her. James doesn't have these problems but sadly I do.

And I don't ... or do I? I mean I can't let it go but I know that I have to eventually let her go because she dropped me like a hot plate.

But recently I've kind of been talking to a female, as a friend only.  Her name is Karla.  She is smart, intelligent, determined and a lot of the qualities that I myself have and value. I talk to her as a friend. And I enjoy the companionship in a way. 

James, on the other hand, has continued on with his activities since we both have such different values that we are searching for. The phone constantly going off and what not. It seems annoying to deal with it but he is my brother and I am stuck with him until the end.

Oh, Just a thought ... if I'm stuck with all my brothers then how am I took have a relationship.  I'll have to give one of them the boot ...