We'd Leave the Greater to Suffer for the Few

Sue is starting to actually have dreams of LaFall alive rather than dead like that night of the car wreck in August 2012. She said that she had a dream last night where everyone was on some sort of vacation and they kept changing the rooms on her after everyone got settled. After the 5th move, she got frustrated and asked why they kept moving us. They ( or Chuck ) told her that there was something in the rooms and if she stayed there for too long then she would want to stay.

So Sue, in the dream, got everyone preoccupied and started to snoop around in the room and found a closest in which she and her kids had whenever they were younger. They would use to hid in the closest when they were younger .... and Sue thoughts she heard something in this closet that magically appear.

She opens the door and LaFall jumps up. Then she asks Sue to not leave her. Then Chuck comes in and starts to pull her away from this LaFall.

Sue told me this dream she had last night ... and she told me she would leave all of us to stay with her.

Chuck and Sue translate all of that into Sue not forgiving herself for the death of LaFall. I see it that Sue is one more step closer to seeing that death is the ultimate choice to be with LaFall.

I want to be made that she would leave all of us in a heartbeat for LaFall. 6-7 ( 3 hers and 3-4 dad's depending on if she can tolerate Lynnanne or not that day )s children. 1 Husband. Friends and Family. House. Home. Better life. But obviously all of that means nothing without LaFall.

But I cannot be that angry. I would slaughter all of them if I knew I could rewind time and get my family back. If I could get back Jasmine and Xavier. When we were a good family.

Because the 'alive dream' that Sue just got, I have had ever since July 27th of 2014. Every night ... save a few.

I hope some angel or demon never comes to both me and Sue with the same offer of sacrifice to get what we truly desire. We share that pain and hurt and carry it with us every day ... but it isn't the same ... and she'll never notice.

She barely notices the change now.

New Over Old

It has been a very long while since I have updated on this thing. Not because I haven't wanted to because I do a lot. Just not so much time. With being with this adopted family, a few things comes with it that are both benefits and set backs.

Since 'dad' works for Magnum Broadcasting ( radio station that has 6 stations under this one title ). Dad works on all of them but mainly the one near us ( Real Country 1260 ) and the one in State College ( QWIK Rock 105.7 ). Him and the boss of the company are like best friends. They talk about personal stuff and they rely on each other heavily. It is great to see great friends work together.

Luckily, dad seems to have a lot on his plate and I have a lot to try to get rid of in my head and since self harm isn't a practice looked favorably here, working myself to exhaustion ( pass or fail, success or complete fuck-up ). I work myself so hard because when I do I don't think of Jasmine or my son.

However, Spencer says that they take advantage of that. That they rely on me so much that if I am to leave then that this family would fail. And since he is in the committee, he does plan on U.S. leaving this family. he says we have things to do.

And I agree but ... I don't know. I get angry at them a lot and they disappoint me often but that is understandable, according to M.A.D. He says that people ( especially T.O.W. people ) are not perfect and most then to settle in that ideal and stay there rather than accept it as a possible outcome for trying.

But I do tend to do a lot. A few weeks ago, Dad needed my help with a Man Expo ( an Expo for everything masculine country ) and I was running around the place! Trying not to stay in one place too long or else James would get all chit chatty or flirty or too friendly. I ran from place to place to move things and check if anyone needed help or direction. Igor ( Uncle Larry and Auntie Shelly's new adopted kid from the Ukraine ) was extremely useful. I feel that he has had the same background that I had but came out better, granted a little more damaged than most would like to see.

But I worked myself so hard. And even though I worked myself to exhaustion within the 1st hour ( to the point where everyone who I went to look for something to do, just annoyingly politely sent me away ), that I injured myself. Spencer says that it was a Charlie Horse from physically quickly turning from one task to another that my thighs decided that it was enough. He claimed that it should go away but after laying in the kitchen on the floor waiting for it to go away ( keep in mind that many people came around and saw me on the ground and did nothing ), I got annoyed doing nothing and just waiting. So I crawled to a counter and grabbed a fork and stabbed myself on the opposite side of the thigh.

Now, you should be asking why and that is understandable if you didn't know my upbringing. When I was with Seth, he was always kind of a dick and hard ass about training but there was this one time where I realized how ... 'intense' he was/is.

I was tired of running for morning routine to which I can relate to military PT in T.O.W. and I told Seth that I was tired of running. He then 'hurt' my legs and asked which was more painful? The old pain or the new pain? I replied the new one. Then he asked if I felt the old pain. I said, no. Then he made me finish morning routine or else he would keep giving me new pain that would make me forget about the previous old pain.

I guess, I took from that, if you give yourself new pain, you would forget the old pain. I think I do that with the work ( work - new pain, Jasmine - old pain ). And this situation, since I knew I had to keep going or else me laying on the ground in pain would eventually allow my heart ( or whatever ) to think of Jasmine. I had to avoid that. So I did.

I finished the tasks I had to do, limping the rest of the day but pushing myself to make myself finish the task infront of me.

Dad found out. He hasn't asked me to go to any other event since then. I still do stuff at home though. I still find stuff to do, break or fix, success or fail, good or bad. Anything to .. not to experience the pain of losing Jasmine.

One of Those Nights

Nights like this, where I wake up in they middle of the night, where I gaff no work to do and I do not want to wake anyone with trying to do choirs at 4 in the morning, I am left with my thoughts.

And my thoughts almost always goes back to Jasmine. Sometimes, I try to push my mind to the bloodbath of my younger stages of life but I dose some ghosts work harder to haunt.

Before, when I had a bad day or a bad dream, I'd wake up to Jasmine next to me sometimes and I'd just cuddle myself to hee and quietly cry. Just to get it out. But then I'd smile because I had her to release to. Granted, she probably never know because she would be sleeping but a lot of times, her personality, my love for her, our family, they all kept the demons out for me. And when they got in, just her existence of someone so compassion and love and understanding ... made me feel that ... a monster like me can still be loved.

I no longer have that.

When I moved in here, I wanted to return the favor of them taking me in. But ... I'm starting to feel like a servant. A slave. A favored slave out of  one but still a slave that isn't allowed to leave.

I think ... Spencer knows they need me ... butt it isn't the same as being loved. Of loving. Like with Jasmine. And I've tried finding someone, anyone else, but I swear they see they monster and leaves.

Mom says I try too hard ... but what is to hard when it comes to saving your own life?

Maybe I just need to do something before morning choirs at 7. Maybe ... I need to do something. A pain that might dull the pain of her leaving me like Todd.