The Definition of Insanity ... Women

It had been a while since I've typed last on my own blog. Been busy. I'll make another post about that later.

For now, we'll talk about Harley.

She got a hold of me again. Honey words of how sorry she is and how she is a victim of circumstance. And I'm not sure if it is because I understand how circumstances can control a person's life or if it is because I'm foolish enough to think there is an actual but I agreed to give her another chance.

Spencer already washed his hands from trying to give me advice on what I should do ( more like complain ... no, more like bitch about how not just woken but TOWian women are not worth anyone's time ). However, I can feel his disapproval.

Regardless, I restarted our relationship ( for the third time ). I know that this is one strong way to get over Jasmine and feel like I have someone in this world that I could spend on.

However, the first weekend, I suggested we do something. Silly me to think that she would be available to do it. But it was different. She actually told me she couldn't because of a legit reason ... and she kept in touch with me the whole weekend through text messages and phone calls.

That, ladies and gentlemen, I'd what I like to call effort. I understand life happens. I am the king of understanding how life happens. But when life happens, you inform those important in your life of life happening. That is effort and that is really all I want. Someone who considers me as much as I consider them to inform me of what they are up to and to make me an active part of their life.

So I planned to pick her up for my boss of Magnum Broadcasting's 50th birthday. It was gonna be a social and business party kind of thing and I figured that I know just keep things in check and she can she exactly hour busy of a guy I am. So she sees that I do try hard I'm everything I do.

She actually was able to come. Flight incident with Tobias ( and potentially James ) but she was understanding of what I do for my family and work ( which tends to be intertwined ).

She even met a local celebrity, a guy named Tyson who does a paranormal show for Magnum. She was too shy to go up to him do I got his autograph for her. And then he personally came over to give us a few ticket to his next "haunting investigation".

To say the least, Harley was swooning from the experience and they fact I did that for her.

I convinced mom and dad ( yea in my 30s I have to convince my parents ) to let her stay the night. It was nice. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I felt she was too.

Slight problem taking her home with the parents but I realized I have to find a better way to define myself and what I want.

The remainder of the week, she had been very forward about seeing me again. Of actually being with me. I suggested we go to the haunting investigation but that she should spend the night again as well. She seemed all for it ...

Until Friday morning, the day I was going to come pick her up. She said she had to be at work a few hours after the haunting investigation and didn't want to burden me with it. I told her that it would not be a burden at all and that I would make arrangements. Then after work on Friday, she said she had a lot to do on that day. I asked if we could find a way to work together and figure out what to do.

She doesn't reply for several hours. And when she does, she sent me a picture of a shirt saying that it would be cute to have.

I told her I was disappointed and upset that she keeps trying to find ways to not see me.

And that was the last communication we had since last night. But if she doesn't say something by tomorrow night, I'm done with her. I care for her ... a lot! But I have to value myself and my time and effort. I cannot be with someone who does not value me.

Paris told me that if people don't value and my time then why should I value them or theirs. Come Sunday if I don't hear back from her the I'm blocking her on social media and blocking her number from messaging me.

Honestly, at this point, I'm just tired if the constant bullshit from women. Virtually everyone at this point. This is ridiculous.

Just Human

I know I complain a lot on this thing and that isn't completely fair. I mean, I know that I love them because when I needed someone they were here. And even though CJ pisses me off, I do love the shit outta him. Bobby too! Nakoma at times too ( probably because I don't do well with kids ). Tyler is kind of my favorite in my house next to Mom ( Sue ). Tyler's habit is the only thing that annoys me about him. And Mom allows herself to think negatively about herself because she is a woman or something like that. I try not to think too hard about it. But honestly, they are all human. And I have to accept them as such. Humans with character flaws and faults. Hell, I have problems so shouldn't I be more understanding?

I am losing it. I am losing everything mentally. Patience. Understanding. Caring. I am losing it all.

Dad has told me that Bobby, CJ, Tyler, Nakoma, Mom and even Dad himself, are all versions of my actual brothers that I still work with.

Nakoma – Tobias ( my 6 y/o nephew )
Bobby – Spencer
CJ - James

Tyler – Michael ( most related to )
Dad – Seth ( minus the actions )
Mom - … well, she doesn't relate to anyone

So living here shouldn't be too hard, right? I don't know why but it is. It is hard to constantly having to deal with their shit and dealing with my brothers at the same time.
Last night, CJ got a text when he came home around 2 in the morning from some chick named Fawn who was visiting a friend whom she had some late night conflict with and was stranded in the next town over and needed a place to stay for the weekend.

If it were me … I would take her in for the weekend she needed. I wouldn't ask or expect anything but I would help with the idea that she is going to leave. Potential asset or just the good deed for the month. But I would have. Now though? If I was living by myself … I probably wouldn't have answered her text. Especially at 2 in the morning. I would have rolled over and gone back to sleep. Possibly deleted the message so that my brothers wouldn't have come across it.

I worry because:

• Spencer hates women. Especially ones that don't over anything immediately.
• James would try to sleep with her ( regardless of age, sex or creed )
• Michael would have tried to convince her that her 'inner power' was worth exploring
• Tobias would have been shy but would have tried to 'mom' or 'big sister' her
• and Seth … well, we won't talk about what he would have done

Honestly, it is exhausting, frustrating and draining to deal with that innerly. But I have more pull with that than I do with this family that I am living with. I am not a fundamental part of this family. I am an addition. If I am to leave ( or to be kicked out ) the family would revert back to the life they had before. Obviously, financially things would be different ( until the 26^th of the month ) but they would find a way to close the gap that my extra, not essential, finances brought in. And the memories they had that included me would be there but that would fade too as all else.

That is different from what I am used to with my actual brothers. Sometimes, we fight and what not. With me it does tend to get physical ( because I am bad on everything else ). But I know that we are the highest authority to us! There isn't calling the cops or telling anyone “oh he hit me” or even long time repercussion or retaliation for the fighting or arguing.

Here, I could be kicked out, I could be reported ( and break probation ) … a series of other things. Things other people have not just done to me but to my brothers as well. And if they do tend to let a fight or two ( it wouldn't stop at two ) slide, I would either have to leave on my own accord or I will feel indebted to them but being such a inconvenience.

So no matter how much they say otherwise … they are just human.