The Definition of Insanity ... Women

It had been a while since I've typed last on my own blog. Been busy. I'll make another post about that later.

For now, we'll talk about Harley.

She got a hold of me again. Honey words of how sorry she is and how she is a victim of circumstance. And I'm not sure if it is because I understand how circumstances can control a person's life or if it is because I'm foolish enough to think there is an actual but I agreed to give her another chance.

Spencer already washed his hands from trying to give me advice on what I should do ( more like complain ... no, more like bitch about how not just woken but TOWian women are not worth anyone's time ). However, I can feel his disapproval.

Regardless, I restarted our relationship ( for the third time ). I know that this is one strong way to get over Jasmine and feel like I have someone in this world that I could spend on.

However, the first weekend, I suggested we do something. Silly me to think that she would be available to do it. But it was different. She actually told me she couldn't because of a legit reason ... and she kept in touch with me the whole weekend through text messages and phone calls.

That, ladies and gentlemen, I'd what I like to call effort. I understand life happens. I am the king of understanding how life happens. But when life happens, you inform those important in your life of life happening. That is effort and that is really all I want. Someone who considers me as much as I consider them to inform me of what they are up to and to make me an active part of their life.

So I planned to pick her up for my boss of Magnum Broadcasting's 50th birthday. It was gonna be a social and business party kind of thing and I figured that I know just keep things in check and she can she exactly hour busy of a guy I am. So she sees that I do try hard I'm everything I do.

She actually was able to come. Flight incident with Tobias ( and potentially James ) but she was understanding of what I do for my family and work ( which tends to be intertwined ).

She even met a local celebrity, a guy named Tyson who does a paranormal show for Magnum. She was too shy to go up to him do I got his autograph for her. And then he personally came over to give us a few ticket to his next "haunting investigation".

To say the least, Harley was swooning from the experience and they fact I did that for her.

I convinced mom and dad ( yea in my 30s I have to convince my parents ) to let her stay the night. It was nice. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I felt she was too.

Slight problem taking her home with the parents but I realized I have to find a better way to define myself and what I want.

The remainder of the week, she had been very forward about seeing me again. Of actually being with me. I suggested we go to the haunting investigation but that she should spend the night again as well. She seemed all for it ...

Until Friday morning, the day I was going to come pick her up. She said she had to be at work a few hours after the haunting investigation and didn't want to burden me with it. I told her that it would not be a burden at all and that I would make arrangements. Then after work on Friday, she said she had a lot to do on that day. I asked if we could find a way to work together and figure out what to do.

She doesn't reply for several hours. And when she does, she sent me a picture of a shirt saying that it would be cute to have.

I told her I was disappointed and upset that she keeps trying to find ways to not see me.

And that was the last communication we had since last night. But if she doesn't say something by tomorrow night, I'm done with her. I care for her ... a lot! But I have to value myself and my time and effort. I cannot be with someone who does not value me.

Paris told me that if people don't value and my time then why should I value them or theirs. Come Sunday if I don't hear back from her the I'm blocking her on social media and blocking her number from messaging me.

Honestly, at this point, I'm just tired if the constant bullshit from women. Virtually everyone at this point. This is ridiculous.

Revisiting the Haunted House

James suggested that I find someone like what Kayla was for a while. Someone to help release "stress". Normally, I would just work out out something in my own room but I don't have a room. I jump from bed to bed at home.

Luckily, James knew the best candidate. An old ex girlfriend who we constantly fight with but after our fights the make up sex made it ... tolerable. Until it didn't.

Her name is Jen G ( different Jen from Jen D ). She is living with an ex boy friend of James' old friend. However James's friend went back to jail for attempting suicide because he did not pay his fines and his boyfriend simply moved on to dude after dude after dude.

Anyways Jen G and I have been making this a semi regular stress reliever kinda thing. The first time I went to her place though I noticed writing on the wall. It was the name of an ex my brother Danny used to see. A Britt A. G. It was all over Jen's room and she hated it. She couldn't wait until she got the paint to paint over it. I thought it must be torturous with what the name meant because after our first try at a relationship, it was Britt that caused the initial rift.

But I had to admit that it helped. The stress reliever I mean. The work out.

But the name on the walls and in the closest ... something about it ...

Then it hit me. When I first got with Jasmine, she mentioned that she had an apartment with two people in our database, Elizabeth G. ... and her cousin Britt A. G..

So the house I was relieving stress at ... my wife was in. She did stuff here. Lived here. Slept there. Loved there. Partied here.

A life before she even met me.

So the last time I "worked out" with Jen G, I asked if there was any other names in the house. She showed me into the spare room. I asked what was the name.

She whimper Jasmine. She knew about it already. Keeping it from me, of course. She lived in a house with ghosts of people who meant more to me. Just have been torturous for her. A fitting hell for me.

I asked her where Jasmine's name was in this room. She said it was in the closet behind a bed.

And almost without thinking, almost effortlessly, I flip the bed away to open a closet full of boxes and worthless crap that meant nothing to me. I looked around in the dark closet to see her name. I fumbled my cell phone to produce light into the dark tomb that contained evidence of my wife.

Then I realized that I needed to take out the crap and boxes to see the walls. So I started to take boxes out ... and then throw boxes out of the closet. One after another. I heard screaming but I didn't care. I was tranced, focused, determined to find her name. Her signature. Her ... essence in the past. I just wanted her back in some way. Something that .... idk, proved she wasn't evil.

That the woman I loved more than myself existed. That ... I want tricked, maybe? That I ruined her. That I made her the horrible person who would throw her husband in jail and take away his son and his life and EVERYTHING!

And then I heard crying behind me. I turned to Jen G crying infront of a box I must have thrown. Glass as everywhere around the box from the box.

I slowly stood up to see that I trashed the room. Boxes everywhere and some of the stuff inside was all over the place. I turned back to the closet and realized I would have to do a lot more throwing to get you where I'm sure Jasmine wrote her name.

I stood there. Knowing that I kind of snapped, knowing that I must have been scaring Jen G. Hell, I was kinda scaring myself. But I wanted to know. I wanted to see. Right then, I just wanted her anyway I could still have my beautifully innocent wife.

I felt tears coming. The desperation ... how sad and pathetic it was was creeping up on me. I started to feel it and I didn't want anyone else to see it. The tears. The tears that I destroyed my life and everyone around it.

So I left. I got into the car I borrowed for the night and the phone played Lorde - Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat. Not her life song or our song but her 'I'm leaving you' song. The song that kills me everyone I hear it. I tried to make myself immune to it but it did not work. At least not this time.

Driving home, driving over 100 mph was a minimum. I wanted to drive fast. Drive away from the memories ... our maybe I was going to hit a pebble. But I'm too good a driver for that. Way too good a driver. But I pushed that damn Subaru to its fucking limit! And it was semi-Manuel so it pushed me. Took my head away from where my heart wanted it to be.

I know others night have thought it stupid, especially with the fact my sister LaFall died in a car crash. And honestly, I can't say that I didn't want to die either right then. But I didn't. So I still have work here to do obviously.

Obviously some work