Tuesday, March 15, 2016

The Beginning of Change

So, I have been thinking of moving out of here. Not because I don't love this family but because in a few months ... well, there is a lot of reasons.

Spencer doesn't feel that the move to this family was a wise move but he understood that it was an needed opportunity at a time where we needed it. However, he began to realize that a lot of things were the same as living with Lynnanne.

When offered living with Lynnanne, she said that she would help arrange my finances since I wasn't able to when I left jail. They had me on meds while in jail and I suddently left jail and they did not give me any direction or idea on how to get more meds.

The main help she did was to activate my SSI and then request rent money. After a month or two, we moved into a hotel, and it didn't click that she never paid rent with my money or even paid any of my fines that she said she would take care of while I wasn't able to do it myself. And when the concert incident with Lynnanne happened and she kicked me out and Dad and Mom took me in because I wasn't able function right alone.

Over the months of living with Mom and Dad, I have gotten better on my own. I started seeing a personal therapist ( Annette Shutters ) and I started improving my own strength and usefulness. I have gotten some of my basic functioning back and regained brain abilities that I lost since being off my T.O.W. medications. This family has tried to help in their own way but honestly, they do not understand or possiblity truly comprehend what me and my brothers go through.

When I went back to jail when we realized that Lynn never paid any of my fines with my money, Mom and Dad were not able to do much and the BioMom ended up putting the money up to pay up my PFA to get me out of jail. I haven't made a fine payment yet because ... well, Mom and Dad needed help with their own finances.

Spencer does not condone me wanting to help this family, especially to the extent to what I have done. But I feel that ... I don't know. Maybe, it is past guilt trying to make up for fucking up other families that I have previously been  a part of. Also, I do a lot of work to keep my cool and anger more in check. Work to the point of exhaustion and I don't have to energy to have an outburst. It works but when it doesn't, I disappear for a while. I don't want to return to the correctional system nor do I want to jepordize these T.O.W. people's lives. I sincerely care about each of the members of this household. They have accommodated me and my brothers ... at least it seems that they do.

Spencer, however, is not so ... attached. Since the conversation with Mom about the money,  Spencer has made it a point to push an efficient Exit Strategy Order ( ESO ) with the committee to create a sanctuary of our own.

He states that the work that I put into the workings of this currently household ( choirs set up for a household that usually turns to be done by me, aide with Dad's own work on site which I 'sugar-coat' by calling an internship at Magnum and personal chauffeuring for the family ) goes above and beyond, especially when I also give them 85% of the SSI funds for their financial difficulties. He feels that they are using me for labor that I am paying them for.

He has also pointed out time and time again, when Dad has said that he would do things that he doesn't come through.

Michael wanted games during Black Friday so I gave Dad the money to put into his account so I could purchase the games for Michael and he forgot to put the money into his account ... so he kept the money, he keeps pushing Spencer whenever he tries to work on the HUB or any other personal project of his, I sometimes am concerned about how James' interaction with Mom ... and other women that CJ brings home and he talks to and how that would be preserved. And Tobias is starting to get more attached to T.O.W. people which isn't something that has turned out well ... and other things.

Spencer also seems very upset about how none of his projects have been completed because more funds, resources and time have been put into this family instead of U.S. which is ridiculous but I can see how it can be seen as that. I care about these people ... but my loyal HAS to be with U.S.

Luckily, during this same period, I have been talking to Jenn D ( whom we will be calling Harley from now on ). She has reintroduced herself into my life. And I am setting up a proposal that it would be a better situation to start something with her. She has her own finances which she seems to be able to handle. And she seems to want to deal with me ( she is also aware of U.S. so that is a good point ).

However, this is just the planning stages. I still have to figure out how she can still work if she is to move and how we are to get around considering that she still has a son about Xavier's age, so that could be a decently good idea when Xavier is reintroduced into my life.

I made a date ( the one year anniversary month of when I was released from jail ) being June 1st that I want to be out by. Giving me to gain personal assests and giving me time to set up the family here to be okay without me. Time to easy them off me rather than just up-n-leaving.

Obviously, that has been met with a lot of conflict with Mom and Dad. They don't think that I am ready to leave and ... well, I just know that I have to do this. If not for me then for U.S.

More on this later. I am sure.