Wednesday, March 16, 2016

The Monster Within Lives

So today, I saw my therapist ( whom I call Doc ) and I was gonna tell her that Harley got a hold of me and that things are getting back on track. That I have made the decision to move out of my parents place before June 1st ( almost a year after my return to society ). About the phone calls and progress I've been making allot improving my life and lifestyle. 

I was .... 

But I brought up Jasmine's video from her YouTube. She said she still hasn't seen it even though I sent it to her about two weeks ago. The reason I brought it up because she said something that made me feel that she needed more information that even I didn't know since I haven't seen this final video from my wife and Doc doesn't know who she was/is.

The first video is a video that I tend to watch when I miss my old life. It is her with Xavier and she is apologizing for taking out her frustration on me. She was lovely and sweet and get laugh rang. She was my beautiful wife.

Sometimes, when I watch it, I forget that she was sleeping with 2-3 different guys ( unknown to me ) then.

Then I played the FORBIDDEN VIDEO for the Doc. The video that The Professor has specifically told me never to watch. But so many people have. People around me have seen it. Prior to Doc, my Mom ( Sue ) watched it. 

I left my own session for 15.minutes because even sitting in the waiting room, I felt I could hear something through the walls and it boiled me.

She opened the door to let me return to the remainder of our session. She said she didn't believe a lot if what she heard. I reminded her that I never seen the video. She said that she believes that the so-called happiness that Jasmine claims to having is false because the person she is with isn't telling her the truth about anything. I told her I haven't seen the video. 

She asked if I understood how afraid Jasmine was/is of me. 
I told her I never saw the video.

I explained no one was hurt. Hell, I was the only one hurt or even touched for that matter. I was the one who was bleeding ( both inside from her and outside from me ). I was not a danger to anyone else but me. No one else but myself. And Doc agrees ... but still insists that she was still scared ... off what she saw in me.

I left the season early. I got into the car wanting to flipping out. I controlled it. Until, about 3/4 of the way home, the song My Stupid Hay by Shawn Mullins played and I pulled over and thrashed around in the car. Punched the dents into the ceiling off the cockpit and cried a little ... loudly.

I thought I was less upset until I came home. We have this tree in front of our house. I got out the car and punched it lightly, just to get out a little. Then I punched it again, but with everything that I had. Obviously it hurt. But then I threw a three hit combo ... cuz I wanted another pain that wasn't ... in my heart. I needed outside pain to outweigh the inner one ... for now.

Not a permanent fix but something for right now. I don't think a masochist lifestyle it's really for me. But in all honesty, I kinda hope I broke my hand