Wednesday, August 19, 2015

The Difference Between Her and Me

So my dad,  Chuck,  told me that when Jasmine sent me to jail she immediately trIed to sell all my stuff.  Everything from my consoles and games to my car.  She even had a list of things to take which includes my bank cards and shit.

How can someone I tried to put everything into,  someone who I have sacrificed everything into,  try to destroy and take everything from me. She destroyed or marriage,  took my son,  and then she tried to take everything from me.

What is worse ... I've been searching for her online.  I know I shouldn't because of the PFA but I wasn't contracting her.  Just saying how she and Xavier are doing.

But what I saw broke my heart further.  She claimed that she was in a "life threatening marriage". A life threatening marriage?  I never hurt her.  I never raise a hand against her or my son.  Even when she told me she was doing AJ I was so mad that I hurt myself.

Yes! I tried to kill myself.  I took the only knife we owned and I proceeded to cut myself.  My wrists.  My chest.  My neck.  I wanted to die because the woman of my life, the woman who I chose over anyone else, the mother of my first child,  didn't just Fuck around but blatantly had no love or respect or anything for me.  I was worthless to the woman who I tried to give everything to. I felt worthless.  I felt worse than abandoned.  I felt ... like a was nothing.  At the time, that very instant, I felt that without her I couldn't be anyone.  I couldn't be a father some I must have failed horribly as a husband. 

Life wasn't worth living anymore because of what she did.

And she felt like she was in a life threatening marriage?! What in the world did I do to deserve to be treated do horrible.  To No longer be loved it respected.  To be destroyed and left with nothing.

And you want to know what the worst part is?  The most disgusting part of all of this?

If she came to me and apologized and said she wanted her family together again ... that she wanted me to come back ... I wouldn't skip a beat to come back to her.  I would welcome here back with open arms and a husband mentality.  Why?  Because I am a fool.  A stupid stupid fool I'm love ... because I love her.  I love her so so much still. 

I still look at her picture ( both the old ones on my Facebook and the ones I still have and the new ones online ) and the pieces of my broken heart swell and scream for her.  For her love and affection and her touch and get compassion.

Kay would say that I love the image I have of her but not the real her. Maybe she is right nut I don't know.

My biological mother said that she felt so sorry for what happened and that she still cared for me.  Chuck said that Jasmine called him first when it happened and the story explained to him by her was that of a man who broke and tried to end his life because she created on her husband for over a year.  Not I'm a nagging way but in an apologetic way. 

But there is a video ( a video I can't bring myself to see ) that said a different story.  That spoke of hatred and disgust in me and pride and what she did ... in everything she did.

Gawd I don't know what to feel.  I'm ... I don't know.  I want to die again.  I die a little inside when people tell me what she was doing.  So called friends knew but didn't tell me or maybe I was so blinded by my love for her not to see it or believe in what they were saying.  Jenn, AJ 's sister even told me that she was giving Jake too.  Fuck my heart ... I want s knife.  I want to cut out the pieces of my fucking heart so I don't feel this anymore.  I hate how this feels. I never want to feel this again!

And Jasmine doesn't skip a fucking beat.  She dates.  Sees other men.  Probably has Xavier call them dad!

Fuck Fuck Fuck i hate this so much.